Every so often, us girls have those nights that inevitably end in two empty pans of Betty Crocker brownies, five episodes of “One Tree Hill,” emotional hair-braiding sessions and possibly tears while falling asleep to Taylor Swift’s “Cold As You.” We stay up long after the Netflix binge, reflecting on how we literally can’t even deal with why college boys can’t measure up to Chad Michael Murray.
But then there are those times when the nonexistent date you were just complaining about does happen, and is so uncomfortable that you find yourself wishing you had never prayed to Ryan Gosling about your relationship problems in the first place. Allow Jane Hoya to take you through that cringe-worthy dinner and bring back the memories you’ve tried to black out of your romantic history.
6:57 p.m. Jane leaves her house now to feign nonchalance.
7:10 p.m. Ten minutes fashionably late and he isn’t here. Nonchalance backfires.
7:12 p.m. Does she sit? Okay she’s sitting. Now there’s bread. Eats three pieces of bread.
7:14 p.m. He’s standing behind her but she doesn’t notice, as she is preoccupied confirming to the waiter that yes, she has in fact finished the bread basket, and yes, she’d like it refilled before her friend gets here.
7:15 p.m. Jane is still trying to recover from the bread fiasco when here comes her Spanish professor who has spotted her in the restaurant. Now she must simultaneously greet them. Are introductions necessary here? Does she stand? No hugging.
7:20 p.m. Orders burger first. He orders a salad. Without dressing. No croutons?!
7:22 p.m. Jane makes small talk. Complains about two tests this week. He had three midterms, a research paper and his dog died.
7:29 p.m. Conversation at a lull. Accidentally has been rubbing his foot under the table. Thought it was a pole. Excuses herself for the bathroom.
7:40 p.m. There was a line. Was she really in the bathroom for 10 minutes? He’s probably jumping to some unfortunate conclusions right now.
7:42 p.m. Seriously? No croutons?
7:45 p.m. Spanish professor comes back to the table for more conversation. Wants to speak in Spanish this time. Jane has barely spoken in English so far. Forced to speak in Spanish in front of date. May or may not have spit on him while rolling an “r.”
7:52 p.m. Meal comes. All of a sudden he’s asking a lot of questions. Maybe because he feels bored after having finished his lettuce and air in two bites while Jane is struggling to answer between mouthfuls of her burger.
8:10 p.m. Waiter brings dessert unrequested “for the couple.”
8:18 p.m. Check comes. Jane offers to pay. He says he’s got it covered.
8:19 p.m. Changes his mind. Maybe she could throw a few dollars in because burgers generally cost a little more than lettuce.
8:30 p.m. They walk home. He wants to know if they could do that again sometime. What’s the least awkward way to say no? Settles for “I’m busy every evening for the rest of the semester. See you in class tomorrow! Deuces!” Crushed it.
So there you have it, a fun reminder that not going on dates doesn’t necessarily mean you’re missing out on a great time. But what to do if your evening was eerily similar to Jane Hoya’s? Either you pretend it didn’t happen or you watch enough episodes of “Dating Naked” to make you feel better about yourself, because at the very least you weren’t desperate enough to ride a Jetski with a nude stranger. (Note: If this date was especially awkward, you may need to alternate with episodes of “Teen Mom.” Dodged a bullet there!)