Love Letter to the Witch Who Lives Under the Road Between Regents and Reiss

Dear Witch Who Lives Under The Road Between Regents and Reiss,

What’s cooking? No, literally, what you are cooking down there? There’s always this unhealthy amount of steam coming from the manhole, and I get that you have to feed your family, but I just wanted to check in. I tried understanding the construction email updates, but that requires knowing what things on campus are called. Anyway, I’m 90 percent sure they are going to close down that street sometime soon.

You sort of smell like a rusty harmonica mixed with whatever Florida smells like. Maybe add a little paprika? Oregano? The economy is doing pretty well right now; maybe you can move away from my early morning commute to bio. I don’t want to judge your family recipe, but I will call Child Protective Services if you’re secretly poisoning your children.

Or maybe you’re just a Vape God and enjoy hitting the juul, but instead of cool cucumber, it’s just the creme brulee pod. At least it smells just as bad. If that’s the case, though, I’m still concerned about you, because it looks like you’re addicted. You gotta take care of your pulmonary health, and being Thomas the Dank Engine all day is not a good look. And, heaven forbid you’re smoking that devil’s lettuce (not in my Christian neighborhood!!)??

Whatever you’re toking definitely borders on illegal.

Considering that you live between the sad, lonely uncle STEM building and the cool millennial mom STEM building, perhaps you’re just doing some strange science experiments. If that’s the case, there’s probably enough space for the entire biochemistry department down there. Usually when there’s a constant stream of gross-smelling, billowing gas coming out of a lab, that’s when you get help from your TA. Maybe try using the fume hood?

Update: I think they’re onto you: They’ve cornered you off like some biohazard, which I guess in retrospect, you could be. Whatever you do, just stay safe, witch.

Hoya Spooks-ya!


A Very Last Minute Hoya Halloween

If these Hoyas aren’t doing Halloween right, I don’t know who is.

Just like this past Fourth of July, Halloween falls on a Wednesday this year, and thus, there is mass confusion regarding which weekend is really Halloween. Technically, since it falls on Wednesday night, you’re more than halfway through the five day school/work week so it would be this coming weekend, but, if you consider the week starting on Sunday, maybe it’s really the weekend before? Unclear. To solve this dilemma, many have opted into a 10 day continuous celebration — fun in the beginning — but now, six days into Halloween, has left many with bodies rebelling against polyester costumes and skin tired of oil-based face paints.

As a result of Hallo-polooza, I sit on Lau 1 catching up from the past six days. Halloween and a Hurricane (alliteration, check) was quite the destructive force on my homework. If you were smarter about it, and are one of the lucky ones able to continue the Halloween celebrations as early as tomorrow, I commend you. I also hope you know you’re too late for Amazon Prime at this point, but never fear — below are some ideas for your last minute costumes.

Ghost/Witch/Pumpkin. The classics. I feel like only kids under the age of 12 do these costumes nowadays, but I can’t understand why. What is easier than cutting two holes out of a white sheet, or putting a pillow underneath your orange t-shirt? What about dressing in all black and painting green warts on your face and being a witch? I don’t think I saw a single witch, ghost or pumpkin this past weekend. But I understand… if all of your friends wanted to be sexy fruit, then I guess you have to be sexy fruit (definitely not a real costume though). This would really be the way to go.

Voldemort. Put tape on your nose vertically to distort the shape of it and then another piece horizontally to keep it that way. Black robes and/or clothing, and you’re set, but everyone hates you for murdering Harry’s parents.

The Joker. If you can get your hands on a purple jacket and are having a particularly awful hair day, try it out.  It’s scary what you can find on the Internet — this is not my child, but he’s killing it.

(Zombie) Tourist. Put on your fanny pack, long socks, khakis, Hawaiian print shirts, straw hats, zinc sunscreen on your nose. To make it even better, paint your face white, make your eyes dark and your lips red, and voila, you are a zombie tourist. Creative.

The Grady Daughters (aka those twins from The Shining). Find a friend and a blue dress and tall white socks and some face paint and you have an easy, recognizable Halloween costume.

I hope you enjoy Halloween tomorrow, even though we didn’t wake up to a HOYAlert of more class cancellations this morning. Maybe next hurricane.