The Five Phases of Writing a Final Paper, as told by Melania Trump

melaniaWe’re sad to report that finals season is once again upon us, and the only thing that could make this worse is remembering that Donald Trump won the election. But here at 4E, we have decided to embrace reality and take these two terrifying things in stride by finding a way to combine them. With that in mind, here are the five stages of writing a final paper, as told by our future First Lady, Melania Trump.

Phase 1: Confidence

You stroll onto Lau 2 with your squad, feeling good and looking even better. You pick up your usual vanilla latte and lemon poppy-seed muffin from Midnight, snag a prime table near the vending machines, and you’re ready to crush this paper. You’ve totally got this.

Phase 2: Distraction

You’ve got plenty of time. This paper isn’t due for another ten hours. That’s like a week in college time. Before you start writing, you can definitely afford to spend five minutes stalking that guy from your French class on Facebook or searching for some fire memes to retweet.

Phase 3: Realization

Okay, so five minutes has somehow turned into four hours and all you’ve done is people-watch and take a Buzzfeed quiz to find out what Zoey 101 character you are. Time to get serious. You log on to Blackboard to look at the topic for the first time. Wait… What is this paper supposed to be about? It slowly dawns on you that this paper might not be as easy as you initially thought.

Phase 4: Desperation

Ok, it’s officially time to panic. What is going on? When did the professor ever talk about any of this? You are really regretting your decision to skip so many lectures in favor of waiting in line for a crepe at the farmer’s market. At the height of your anxiety, you seriously start to consider how serious this whole “no plagiarism” rule is. Will anyone really notice if you copy and paste your entire paper from Wikipedia?

Phase 5: Acceptance

There’s no more time for panicking. You’ve got an hour left, and if you type fast enough, you’re pretty sure you can still pull a solid B-. Don’t let the fact that you have no idea what is going on stop you! Just make things up! Literally say anything. If this election cycle has taught us one thing, it’s that you can blatantly lie and people will still believe you:

                                                       Example 1
                                                           Example 2
                                                        Example 3

So there you have it: the five phases of writing a research paper, as told by First Lady-elect Melania Trump. From all of us here at 4E, good luck with your finals and with the next four years.

Gifs: giphy.com

Got Jet Lag?

Jetlag

Some of you (by which I mean myself) may have noticed that I’ve been uncharacteristically silent on 4E these past few weeks. The reason: I’ve been in China! The time difference between “the Middle Kingdom” and D.C. is about 12 hours, and as you might imagine, adjusting my sleep schedule has been a piece of cake.

Just kidding. Jet lag is a very real phenomenon, and I’m sure that many of you 4E readers have experienced it. But in case you’ve forgotten how it feels to have your circadian rhythm temporarily destroyed, here’s a handy reminder.

You fall asleep at dinnertime.

Like this, except you’re surrounded by family and friends and also you’re not Tina Fey.

What? You thought that only the elderly do that? You thought wrong. One minute you’re sitting down to eat, the next, your mother is shaking you awake and you have a piece of food stuck to your chin.

You wake up at 2 a.m.

Maybe your parents are practical people who decide to take a pill to help them sleep, thus restoring their normal sleep schedule. But you’re above all that. No, you’re going to pass out and wake up whenever you please! To that end, you’re going to jolt awake disturbingly early and be forced to play inane phone games for five hours.

You get hungry at weird hours.

Yesterday, I had a large breakfast at 7 a.m. At 10:30 a.m., I had lunch. At 2 p.m., I was hungry again. Apparently, when your sleep schedule is off, so is your food schedule. But never fear! This is why snacks were invented: for exhausted travelers who realize that their dad took the last of the ham.

You have difficulty doing basic tasks.

At the grocery store, you’re asked to grab a carton of orange juice. Approaching the stacks and stacks of cartons, you’re suddenly confused beyond belief. Do I normally drink low pulp or no pulp? Does it matter if it’s Tropicana or Minute Maid? What if I don’t want an extra infusion of Vitamin C? If you were in your normal, non-groggy state you’d realize that this internal argument is absurd, because all orange juice is amazing. Of course, there is the distinct possibility that you have difficulty doing basic tasks when you aren’t jet-lagged. We won’t judge.

It should be noted that for all the trouble jet lag can sometimes be, it’s completely worth it. Exploring different countries is one of the most fun things you can do, and as college students, we are in a prime time of our lives to visit and experience other cultures. Just bring some snacks and drink some caffeine, and you’re good to go. Happy traveling, Hoyas!

Photo: youredm.com
Gifs: tumblr.com, photobucket.com, giphy.com