Cries for Help: Carvings in Lau Cubicles

As a nearly 230-year-old institution, Georgetown is host to secrets that current students can hardly fathom.

Hopefully no basilisks tho 🐍 #snakesofgeorgetown

Some of these secrets date back to the school’s founding. Messages etched by early students into the stone walls of Healy, White-Gravenor and Dahlgren — “Thou art fairer than a principled Jesuit,” “Thy perfume sweetens the scent of the stankiest Leo’s dish return,” etc. — have faded over time.

Actual footage of the Healy clock ringing every 15 minutes.

However, contemporary graffiti is alive and well in some of the newer and more utilized buildings on campus. Most anonymous messages, in fact, are located in none other than Lauinger Library, a hotspot of ~brutal~ nervous breakdowns on campus.

Lauinger? I barely know her.

Please join me as I reveal the most honest and repulsive thoughts of Georgetown students: those scrawled on the inside of Lau cubicles and Walsh restrooms in desperate acts of self-expression.

Me as I plumb Lau’s dusty depths. Also, if you don’t know what movie this gif is from, I can’t be friends with you.

Georgetown Confessions

It’s amazing that the president found time to helicopter over to Georgetown and vandalize our library! Spelling errors aside, this is 100% a rule to live by. #FightAgainstTheCapitalistCorp

This was found covering approximately 4 feet of vertical space on the lower level of Lau. I mean … say it loud, say it proud??? 😳🤷🏻‍♀️

Breaking down gender barriers one act of vandalism at a time.

You’ve got to admit, coming out and claiming the Walsh fourth floor women’s bathroom as one of your favorite spots on campus is a bold move. Kudos to this brave soul.

Slackademia

This one is honestly too relevant right now. I love how this ~poet~ backed up some linguistics major’s revelation with a quintessentially Georgetown story of academic humiliation.

4E was tipped off that this one was drawn by a struggling freshman who started their “Problem of God” paper the night before it was due and realized that they were supposed to “conduct a survey.” Yikes.

Quarter-Life Crises

If Lana Del Rey went to Georgetown, these would be the lyrics to her No. 1 song. FYI, if unlike this songwriter, the middle stall in the Walsh third floor bathroom isn’t really your vibe, check out these other spots on campus where you can bawl your eyes out.

This picture illustrates what happens when SFSers get too into their Neo-Sovietism class and then realize that they have to make themselves marketable to consulting firms for summer internships.

Classic Georgetown Elitism

Okay, Brock, that’s only because your dad donated a swimming pool there! Get off your high horse, please.

I mean… George Washington probably would have been a Hoya. #justsayin

Hoyas Reveal Their Ugly Side

This statement is unacceptable. Georgetown students are practically defined by their constant belittlement of campus dining and love for mainstream hip-hop. Do better, Hoyas.

Now that you’ve seen some of the innermost thoughts of Georgetown students, I encourage you to look around the next time you’re struggling to write a paper in Lau at 2 a.m. You may find inspiring messages, crude drawings or desperate cries for help.

Either way, the notes left behind by past Hoyas are an important part of Georgetown’s history that current students can and should bond over.

Did you know that Ben Gates holds a degree in American history from Georgetown? #NotableAlum

Best of luck with finals, everyone! Keep scribblin’ away.

Note: I’d like to apologize to all of the people I weirded out while sneaking around Lau and Walsh taking pictures.

Sources: Giphy, Facebook (Georgetown Memes for Non-Conforming Jesuit Teens)

The 5 People You’ll Meet in POG

proof-god-exists1Problem of God is the defining class of every freshman’s experience at Georgetown. It’s likely one of the first classes you’ll ever have attended on the Hilltop. You were probably nervous and anxious walking in, but left feeling pretty confident that you could write a few papers and pull off a decent grade (while of course enriching your understanding of Biblical texts along the way).

Seeing as how these classes tend to be a random assortment of students from across all majors, you’re also likely to meet a lot of other new Hoyas who will excitedly shriek “OH MY GOD, YOU TOTALLY SIT IN FRONT OF ME IN PROBLEM OF GOD!!!!!!” every single time you run into them at Brown House/SAE/Rugby. In order to encapsulate the true mix of students, 4E has compiled a list of the 5 people you’ll definitely meet in your POG class.

  1. The High School Valedictorian: Within the first few minutes of reviewing the syllabus in class, this student already had a million questions about how and when assessments will be graded. “Will there be a curve? When’s the final exam?? Do you offer bonus points?!?!” Don’t worry, no one has ever died in a POG class — yet.
  2. The Confused One: This student probably wandered into class late on the first day because they either forgot to set an alarm or originally went to the wrong classroom. They’ll often forget that you had assigned reading and will always ask to borrow a pencil before any exam.
  3. The Crazy Partier: This freshman looooves going out with all of their new best friends, and they’re not afraid to let you know. They’ll likely spend the few minutes before class asking if you know of any wild parties going on this weekend, even if it’s only Monday. But hey, at least they’re prepared!
  4. The GAAP Group Celeb: It’s only the first week of school and they’ve already become infamous given their overuse of the 2019 Facebook page. Needless to say, you were probably a little excited when you saw them walk into the room on the first day. While it’s not as exciting as meeting Bradley Cooper, you definitely still texted your new GroupMe “GUESS WHO’S IN MY CLASS!!!!!!”
  5. The Random Upperclassman: For whatever reason, this Hoya opted out of taking POG freshman year. Maybe they had some cool elective they took in place or just wanted to take POG when they were stuck in all 500 level classes. Either way, they’re just going to sit there and laugh at every typical freshman thing you say.

Photos/Gifs: tumblr.com, giphy.com, godisreal.today

POG Study Guide

70918ee4ab004f5d6c4889f5a2c27114Greetings fellow freshmen and a happy finals season to all! Guess what’s coming up?! The POG Final!

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(Disclaimer: that’s pronounced pog, like dog, frog, log, jog, clog, bog and smog.)

Given our glamorous location at the oldest Catholic School in the country, I figure most of us are pretty well versed in religion so I will try not to be too condescending.

Also, given that the POG final’s official exam date is not until May 9th and the various commendable Problem of God professors have chosen their own respective design styles, we have considered only the larger umbrella points that will be helpful to all, POG students and muggles included, to navigate the universe within(?) them. To help us all prepare for not only this glorious final, but for the rest of our lives, 4E has come up with some questions and terms to ponder:

  1. What is the meaning of life?

 Is it “I just want to be successful” by Drake and Trey Songz????

…Or is it “Seasons of Love” from Rent?

2. Evolution: Let us provide you with a few examples:

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Josh!!! What happened?

n-neville-longbottom--large-msg-1334623995

Anyone remember Neville Longbottom?

miley-cyrus-before-and-after

Hannah Montana; Miley?

3. Creationism– Here’s how it’s done:

4. Who is God?

Is it Ryan?

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Our very own Bradley?

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NOPE… It’s Morgan Freeman.

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Alas, 5. What is God?

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Well, we suppose this one’s up for you to decide.

Happy studying!

photos/gifs: giphy

DFMO or Dating?

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We here at 4E excel at a few things… like channeling our inner Beyoncé, partaking in debauchery and giving dating advice, allegedly.

Word of that last area of expertise seems to have reached our readers, as we received a letter from a seemingly distressed freshman in desperate need of our guidance. Hopefully our response will be enough to help her navigate the many trials and tribulations of being a freshman looking for l-o-v-e, love.

Hey 4E,

I’m writing to you because I need your advice, like really badly. So there was this guy, let’s just call him “Steve”, in my Problem of God class last semester who I totally liked. He definitely looked like Bradley Cooper combined with Ryan Reynolds, but he was also super sensitive like Ryan Gosling. Anyway, I think he was super into me too because he used to sit next to me in class every time we had a reading quiz. I’m pretty sure he really wanted to talk to me, but he was definitely just too shy to make a move.

So fast forward to last weekend. I decided to go out with about 15 of my closest friends because we heard this crazy party was going on at Brown House. We made sure to get there around 10:30 p.m. so we could get in before it got way too crowded. All 15 of us got in no problem though because my roommate’s sister’s friend was the bouncer and was totally psyched to see us at his party. The party was so much fun and so #college that I had to document as much of it as I possibly could on my SnapChat story. I was trying to take a selfie with all my friends (should have brought my selfie stick, rookie mistake) when I saw Steve across the room. “Shake It Off” started playing, and I knew this was my chance. Long story short, things got super crazy because Steve and I totally DFMO’ed at Brown House!

Now, here’s my problem. I’m really into Steve and clearly he’s really into me, what should I do?! I just feel like we need to talk about what happened and define this relationship. My friends think I’m overreacting to this DFMO, but I think Steve could be the one … especially because my tour guide told me 60% of Hoyas marry other Hoyas.

Please help me 4E!

Lovestruck Freshman

Dear Lovestruck Freshman,

First off, your friends are obviously crazy because you’re definitely not overreacting! In fact, you might even be under-reacting. If you really think Steve could be the one, then you’ll definitely want to define things before he finds another girl to DFMO with next weekend.

There’s a few things you can do to ensure that your relationship is defined before it gets to that point. First off, I suggest you send him a Facebook relationship request as soon as you can. Nothing clears up ambiguity quite like this direct approach, plus Steve will really appreciate your willingness to take control of the situation.

While you wait for him to inevitably accept your request you should take it upon yourself to stalk him on every form of social media back to 2007. Bonus points if you can find his old MySpace page! You’ll want to know everything you possibly can about Steve to prove just how dedicated you are to making this relationship work. Try not to get jealous when you see old posts about his 7th grade girlfriend, she was so 2008 anyway. Next, figure out which dorm Steve lives in and where he has class so you can casually wait around for him and ask why he hasn’t responded to your Facebook relationship request. Let him know that you really want to clear things up regarding your Brown House DFMO and make sure he knows that you really see a future for the two of you.

If this approach doesn’t work and Steve ends up thinking that you are certifiably insane, then he obviously isn’t worth your time. Go ahead and cry over a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, because they’re the only boys you need in your life anyway!

Love forever,

4E

Snooki_hair_flip

Disclaimer: This letter is entirely fictional and does not reflect the views of any Georgetown freshman. Also, we’re really bad at giving advice.

Photo/Gif: imgur.com; affordablepsychicreadings.com