A Guide To Homecoming

Yes, it’s sadly still midterm season, which means that you’re probably reading this article on Lau 2 while simultaneously crafting a last-minute email to your professor begging for an extension. But now it’s time for you to take a break from the stress and completely ignore all your responsibilities, because #HoyaHomecoming is officially upon us. In honor of the one day a year we can kind of act like a state school, we here at 4E have complied a helpful guide to make sure that your Homecoming experience is a success.

#HoyaHomecoming 2017, colorized.

Remember: It’s a Marathon, Not a Sprint

Look, we’ve all been there: You and 20 of your closest friends are crammed into a 12×15 foot dorm room. You’re looking ~fresh~ in your very original, one-of-a-kind, totally unique Georgetown basketball jersey. Your signature song (“Hips Don’t Lie” by Shakira) is playing, and that cutie from your Econ class is definitely taking notice of your impressive dabbing ability. Needless to say, the pregame is ~lit~. And at some point, this level of “litness” will likely inspire you to “go all out” for #HoyaHomecoming and do one of the following: A) Take way too many shots of Fireball B) Take way too many shots of Lime Burnett’s or C) Chug an entire can of Four Loko.

As you consider your options, 4E is here to give you some friendly advice: DON’T DO IT. Under the florescent lights of that sweaty dorm room, we know it may seem like a good idea, but trust us, in a few hours, you will come to the painful realization that it was not. The key to a successful Homecoming is to pace yourself. Unlike a normal night out, you will be expected both to stay awake for more than four hours and to functionally interact with actual adults in a non-Piano-Bar-setting. Neither of those things will be possible if you achieve maximum “litness” at 9 a.m. And as you make your decisions about how much to drink throughout the rest of the day, just remember that while Homecoming may be temporary, Snapchat screenshots are forever.

Love Thy Neighbor.

If you remember anything from last year’s homecoming, you’ll remember that our neighbors literally hate us. And noise. And alcohol. And anything even remotely resembling fun. So despite the fact that they knew ~Georgetown~ University was located here when they made the decision to move to ~Georgetown~, they will not hesitate to call the feds S.N.A.P.S on us if they catch the slightest whiff of Burnett’s or hear even the faintest hint of “Mr. Brightside” coming from a townhouse. Unfortunately for many of our readers out there, what this means is that most of your upperclassman friends will probably not be cool with you and every other member of Darnall 5 crashing their party.

But don’t worry! Getting rejected from and/or getting kicked out of at least one party is basically a #HoyaHomecoming rite of passage. And there are still plenty of other fun ways for you to spend your day! You can wander aimlessly around the neighborhood and engage in some classic Georgetown traditions, such as sprinting away from GUPD cars, getting yelled at by old people who may or may not be John Kerry, and searching for half-empty cans of Natty that have been discarded on the street.

Back on campus, you can easily sneak into pay for a ticket to the tailgate on Regents lawn- here you can do some cool stuff like get a sunburn and make awkward small talk with alumni while you wait in the food line for 20 minutes. And of course, if all else fails, we’ll always have the Vil A rooftop. Nothing says #HoyaHomecoming quite like gazing out at that beautiful Arlington skyline as you watch  your classmates come dangerously close to falling over the railing.

Georgetown residents upon seeing even a single red solo cup

Water. Food. Rest. Repeat.

Remember what I said earlier about pacing yourself? I can already tell that you didn’t listen to me. Now you’re exhausted, your phone is dead, and you’re sitting on the floor of a New South bathroom, wondering where it all went wrong. You’ve managed to lose both your dignity and your GoCard- and it’s still only noon. Bet you don’t feel so “lit” anymore, huh? But don’t despair – 4E is here to save you! First, you need to walk/crawl to the nearest vending machine/sink/Dahlgren Fountain, and HYDRATE. You are in desperate need of H2O. Drink up.

Next, you need to eat something that will help counteract the consequences of that last Natty you ~regrettably~ decided to shotgun. If you can’t talk your way back into the tailgate to acquire some free pizza, we recommend you stick with what you know and head on over to Wisey’s. After all, the best Chicken Madnesses are the ones you don’t remember eating.

Finally, your phone isn’t the only thing that needs to recharge. Whether it’s in your own bed or in the middle of Healy Lawn, you need to take a power nap. Find a spot, tell a friend to wake you up in an hour and pass out. Don’t worry, the Vil A rooftop isn’t going anywhere. There will be plenty more opportunities to embarrass yourself when you wake up.

You at Homecoming if you ignore my advice

Make Memories

As a distinguished member of the class of ‘85 drunkenly yelled at me during Homecoming last year once told me, college is the best four years of your life. I know this may not seem true as you stress-cry while writing a paper on Lau 2 at 4 a.m., but Homecoming gives you the perfect opportunity to rediscover why you first fell in love with Georgetown all those year(s) ago. So don’t be afraid to belt out the (probably wrong) lyrics to the fight song when someone inevitably starts up a bad acapella rendition in the middle of a party. Don’t be afraid to make valuable future business connections new friends as you wait in line for food at the tailgate. Don’t be afraid to break your wrist from falling off of the John Carrol statue while trying to take that perfect #HoyaHomecoming Instagram.

Because we here at 4E want to let you in on a secret: our sources can confirm that the real world is a scary place. Apparently, once you turn 23, it is suddenly no longer acceptable to sleep until 2 p.m. every day, or eat chicken fingers for every meal, or religiously attend an event called “Jersey Night” every Wednesday. And so, my fellow students, be sure to enjoy every moment of your time here on the Hilltop. And to all the alumni out there reading this guide with a mix of shock, nostalgia, and anticipation, we leave you with the immortal words of Saint John Thompson Jr: “If I can’t go to Heaven, take me back to Georgetown.”

See you soon, and Hoya Saxa.

P.S: Please actually make good choices! And remember that GERMS can always be reached at 202-687-4357.

Sources: giphy.com/ Lauinger Library

Is It Too Late Now to Say Sorry? An Open Apology Letter to the Neighborhood

Sorry neighbor post

For those of you who haven’t seen it yet, the Washington City Paper recently wrote an article detailing the deplorable behavior of Georgetown students at this year’s annual Homecoming Celebration.

One local resident aptly described the experience as “one of the worst I have ever endured.” And we, here at 4E, could not agree more. We would like to not only apologize for the actions of all Georgetown students, but also recommend some drastic changes to ensure that this kind of behavior does not happen again next year.

Sorry for our alcohol consumption.

This one would make anyone upset. I’m sure our neighbors were shocked and appalled by both the quality and methods of alcohol consumption by the average 21+ Georgetown student at Homecoming. Improperly-shotgunning a can of Natty you found in the courtyard of Vil B? Taking straight shots of Cinnamon Burnett’s in the backyard of a random townhouse?

Come on guys, we can do better.

Improvements will be made and definitive steps will be taken to fix this problem. For Homecoming 2017, we at 4E propose the strict enforcement of minimum quality standards for all alcohol consumed throughout Georgetown. Next year, we hope our neighbors will be pleased to find students chugging warm cans of only the most refined craft beers, such as Bud or Coors Lite, and rest assured, we will make sure students remember to use chasers as they take shots of Raspberry or at the very least, Peach Burnett’s.

We apologize for blaring Closer by The Chainsmokers ft. Halsey on repeat all day.

This one is definitely on us. It’s a well-known fact that most Georgetown residents only enjoy the Chainsmoker’s older material and Halsey has gone way too mainstream for their taste. Based on lyrics alone, we should have guessed that they would hate this song. Contrary to popular belief, a vast majority of the Georgetown crowd actually can afford that Rover, and these days only a small number of them sport the requisite shoulder tattoos necessary for the choral bite.

I’ve been told by several inside sources that our neighbors would have strongly preferred if we had instead played Broccoli by D.R.A.M ft. Lil’ Yachty on a constant loop throughout the day. Neighbors, we hear you and we are sorry. Next year, we will stay away from the EDM all together and stick solely to playing loud trap music starting at 7 A.M.

We regret our ostentatious celebration after winning the football game.

This one is completely out of line. Most Georgetowners moved to the neighborhood with the expectation that the football team would win no more than three games per year. So starting the season at 3-0? Completely unacceptable. As the Washington City Paper aptly reported, the victory clearly spurred complete chaos. Here on campus, there were widespread reports throughout the day of several students clapping, displaying school spirit, and even going so far as to discuss the possibility of attending another football game later in the season.

This must be stopped.

Next year, we promise we will resume the longstanding tradition of freshman not knowing where the football field is located and the rest of us preemptively complaining about JT III months before basketball season starts.

We beg forgiveness regarding the comments of “The Wobbly Blonde Undergraduate.”

One diligent Georgetowner recalled her terrifying Homecoming ordeal to the Washington City Paper, reporting that, “I was told by a wobbly, blonde undergrad in slurred tones that I should have expected this before I moved here.” I personally am appalled by this one.

First of all, how could anyone expect this poor woman to know that there was a 227 year old major American university with more than 7,000 undergraduate students just down the road before she moved in? Who would expect such a thing in Georgetown of all places?

Secondly, a student daring to assert their opinion to an adult is bad enough, but a blonde undergrad having the audacity to speak up? This is nothing short of unacceptable. We all know these blondes are out of control. If they think they can do this, they’ll think they can do anything! If we don’t take action soon, what will the blondes think they can do next? Run for President? The anarchy must stop.

And so, our dear fellow Georgetonians, we hope you accept our sincerest apologies and thoroughly consider our suggested changes. Hoya Saxa and see you next year.

Disclaimer: We actually like blondes. Wobbly Blonde Undergraduate, you do you!

Gifs: giphy.com, http://bit.ly/2dTDmYV

The Return of drunkengeorgetownstudents.com

There’s evidence of the longstanding battle between Georgetown students and our disgruntled neighbors all over the place – lawn signs and pins reading “Our Homes Not GU’s Dorms”, angry listserv posts about sunbathing students, you name it. Now one of our more outspoken Burleith neighbors has resurrected his blog, “Drunken” Georgetown Students (quotation marks are his, not ours).

Featuring shaky videos of student parties with commentary like “No Snap… no Rocky? What gives?” and “Pigs in a Poke”, drunkengeorgetownstudents.com is run by Stephen R. Brown, a Burleith resident and former American University professor.

Seniors may remember the site from our freshman year, when Brown started taking pictures of parties on his block, and encouraging his fellow Burleith and West Georgetown residents to do the same. He once suggested a photo contest where one of the categories could be “urination” (sounds fun!).

The server hosting the original Drunken Georgetown Students took the site offline because Brown was posting photos of students without their permission, a violation of their Terms of Service. He started things up again on the current version of the site.

Brown wrapped up posting in May 2010, with a goodbye note to the graduating class. But now he’s back, and better than ever. He started things back up this spring with some snarky commentary about the effectiveness of SNAPS, and over the summer and fall has been posting videos of the parties on his block.

After the jump, check out one of his videos, and a few excerpts from the site.

Continue reading “The Return of drunkengeorgetownstudents.com”

The Neighbors Want You to Put a Shirt On

While the warm spell that we’ve been experiencing lately has brought students out of Lau and into the sunlight, some of our neighbors aren’t too happy about the way students are choosing to enjoy the weather. DCist uncovered a particularly funny nugget on a Georgetown listserv in which one resident described the menace of student sunbathing. Here’s what they had to say:

The joy of these recent beautiful, sunny days have been somewhat mitigated for me by the sight of bare-chested, boxer-shorted GU students sunbathing on their front stoop right out on the sidewalk. To add insult to injury, these men are sprawled out on old beat up lawn chairs. I am not talking about a real porch here, but rather the top stair of the front entrance of their run down student house. The sight is very down-market, low rent, college dorm and affects the property values of our homes in this section of Georgetown, as well as the pleasure of walking our charming streets. These people have a back yard! Let them use it for their sunbathing activities. 

It is bad enough that the neighbors have to put up with the students’ relentless drunken and disorderly conduct, but to host a slew of Dewey Beach antics on our Georgetown streets is too much! They were recently flipping burgers on a barbecue grill out there, too!!

I hope that the off campus life office at GU requires their students to follow the rules of conduct required for living in a community of permanent residents and remind them that they ARE NOT LIVING ON CAMPUS!!!

It’s okay, not being invited to the barbecue would have made me upset too. So what’s the lesson we learn here? Limit  your tanning to Healy Lawn – it’s lowering property values.

Photo: Flicker user pianoman75 via DCist

A Case Study in Town-Gown Relations

After the D.C. Zoning Commission delayed judgment on Georgetown’s 2010 Campus Plan until April, relations between neighbors and students continued down their path of public frustration. Unfortunately, the hostile relations seem set to continue until the final judgment comes after a date for the hearing is set on April 30.

But, as the Washington City Paper pointed out last week, Georgetown’s situation is not unique, among universities either nationally or locally. Yet, the paper points out, poor town-gown relations have a unique situation in the District.

In addition to Georgetown’s problems, parking battles have flared around The George Washington University’s Mount Vernon campus and American University. The District’s historically poor relations between campuses and neighborhoods reveal a lot about the District’s internal politics. According to the Paper, “Washington is also a place that has never, unlike some other big cities, been quite comfortable with becoming a bustling, urban center. Ours is a town where there’s no agreed-upon answer to the basic question of whether we really want to allow a bunch of quiet-seeking residents to stifle a university’s growth.”

Furthermore, the District’s poor town-gown relations at Georgetown, GW and American are intricately related to the fact that neighbors enjoy an amazing amount of say in local politics, especially on issues concerning zoning regulations, parking rules and the like. At American, neighbors objected to minute details over the construction of a new dormitory — from the color of stone to the amount of trees surrounding the building.

D.C.’s town-gown relations are not so unique in other respects. Though our political environment may be different than in other towns, students in close proximity with other neighbors causes inevitable problems. Several neighbors interviewed complained of vomit on their stoops, finding drunken students on their front lawns and vandalism on their homes during weekend nights. All in all, given the structure of local politics and student demographics, struggles between the university and neighbors seem posed to continue. While the City Paper hesitates to pick a side in the current dispute over the Campus Plan, it does highlight neighbor concerns, both legitimate and ridiculous.

Photo credit: Washington City Paper