Breaking News: AP U.S. History is Un-American


As a college student, you likely find yourself fairly removed from the high school scene. Your days are no longer plagued with mystery meals from your school cafeteria, lockers you can’t remember the combination to and, of course, AP courses. While all of these things may seem like a distant memory, they unfortunately still exist. Well, at least for now.

Recently, politicians in Oklahoma have been pushing to put a ban on AP U.S. history classes. They have deemed the course unpatriotic as it portrays America in a negative light. At the forefront of the crusade against the College Board is House Representative, Dan Fisher, who does not support the AP course because it teaches students “what is bad about America”. As any true patriot knows, America has never been at fault in the course of its history so naturally any class that claims otherwise is just plain wrong.

Representative Fisher is obviously the embodiment of patriotism as he understands the importance of preventing high school students from receiving a comprehensive education on American history. After his great reform, the only Trail of Tears students will know about is their own as they cry over their pitiful AP scores! While 4E loves Representative Fisher’s initiative, we would like to encourage him to consider restructuring other AP courses that are clearly pushing anti-American agendas as well.

Here are the top five AP courses Oklahoma needs to ban:

AP Spanish/French/Italian/Etc.: Do you know what America’s official national language is? Trick question, America doesn’t actually have an official language. Ever wonder why? Well, it’s probably because it goes without saying that it’s English. Therefore learning and speaking any language other than English isn’t necessary and shouldn’t be allowed.

AP Biology: For those of you who took this class, you may recall learning a thing or two about modern day genetics. What you may not recall is that the founder of modern day genetics is none other than Gregor Mendel. Why exactly does this matter? Well, he was Austrian and not American. Any course that stresses the contribution of someone who is not American must not support this country’s ideals. I’m sure there are plenty of great American geneticists students should be learning about instead.

AP Calculus: While Calculus was invented by Isaac Newton and Gottfried Leibniz, neither of whom are American, it should be banned for another, more pressing issue. At its core, AP calculus involves subjecting students to torture as they are forced to derive and integrate functions for hours at a time. This clearly isn’t American, and definitely should not be allowed in schools.

AP Psychology: A lot of AP psychology curriculums focus on the contributions of Sigmund Freud and Ivan Pavlov. While these psychologists may have made a few minor discoveries, their work shouldn’t overshadow that of great American psychologists like Stanley Milgram! Milgram’s work may not have been completely ethical, but if that part is just left out of the text then it never happened, right?

AP European History: This really shouldn’t even need an explanation. If students will no longer have the option to take AP U.S. history then taking its European equivalent is completely out of the question because ‘MURICA.

Thanks to the Washington Post for notifying us of this serious American issue.

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Emoji Dictionary

Guide to EmojisBy now it should be obvious that we love emojis. As we wait anxiously for the emoji update that promises hundreds of new emojiis, let’s make sure we’re taking advantage of the emojiis currently at our disposal. But first we have one question: tumblr_n6z1izqDbX1qk08n1o1_500 1. Flag This emoji seemed particularly necessary recently with the World Cup and summer traveling. Since communication apparently doesn’t slow down no matter what continent you’re on, these emojis can be used as a constant reminder that as you suffer through your unpaid internship or commuting from suburbia, your friends are having fun on vespas in Italy or bar hopping in Germany. Basically they are Lizzie McGuire in The Lizzie McGuire Movie and you are Gordo. emoji12. Flag + Soccer Ball A fun little twist on the Flag (see #1). For all you World Cup watchers, combine a flag with a soccer ball and you can pretend that you know something about soccer (football?) despite having no idea who Cristiano Ronaldo was three weeks ago (myself included). emoji2 3. The little chick with her hand up This is your basic bitch. It is probably the most fun emoji to send and the most annoying to receive. It’s like this little tiny lady is telling you that she is better than you. She holds more power in her left hand than you do in your whole body.emoji3 4. The single tear drop  This emoji is used when your friend has told you bad news and you want to express sympathy. Warning: this is only for when your friend has missed the bus or she has to spend the night in Lau. It would be an extremely inappropriate response to actual bad news. If your friend tells you horrible news, pick up the phone and call her instead of sending a little crying man.emoji4 5. Serious face + Gun  This combination is the best of way of saying “I hate everything and everyone, you may kill me now.”emoji5 6. Food  I always wonder about the taste of whoever created the food emojis because while it seems like there are many options to choose from, there are only a few that represent foods I eat often. I personally don’t ever crave flan enough to text about it, but to each their own.emoji6