A Guide To Homecoming

Yes, it’s sadly still midterm season, which means that you’re probably reading this article on Lau 2 while simultaneously crafting a last-minute email to your professor begging for an extension. But now it’s time for you to take a break from the stress and completely ignore all your responsibilities, because #HoyaHomecoming is officially upon us. In honor of the one day a year we can kind of act like a state school, we here at 4E have complied a helpful guide to make sure that your Homecoming experience is a success.

#HoyaHomecoming 2017, colorized.

Remember: It’s a Marathon, Not a Sprint

Look, we’ve all been there: You and 20 of your closest friends are crammed into a 12×15 foot dorm room. You’re looking ~fresh~ in your very original, one-of-a-kind, totally unique Georgetown basketball jersey. Your signature song (“Hips Don’t Lie” by Shakira) is playing, and that cutie from your Econ class is definitely taking notice of your impressive dabbing ability. Needless to say, the pregame is ~lit~. And at some point, this level of “litness” will likely inspire you to “go all out” for #HoyaHomecoming and do one of the following: A) Take way too many shots of Fireball B) Take way too many shots of Lime Burnett’s or C) Chug an entire can of Four Loko.

As you consider your options, 4E is here to give you some friendly advice: DON’T DO IT. Under the florescent lights of that sweaty dorm room, we know it may seem like a good idea, but trust us, in a few hours, you will come to the painful realization that it was not. The key to a successful Homecoming is to pace yourself. Unlike a normal night out, you will be expected both to stay awake for more than four hours and to functionally interact with actual adults in a non-Piano-Bar-setting. Neither of those things will be possible if you achieve maximum “litness” at 9 a.m. And as you make your decisions about how much to drink throughout the rest of the day, just remember that while Homecoming may be temporary, Snapchat screenshots are forever.

Love Thy Neighbor.

If you remember anything from last year’s homecoming, you’ll remember that our neighbors literally hate us. And noise. And alcohol. And anything even remotely resembling fun. So despite the fact that they knew ~Georgetown~ University was located here when they made the decision to move to ~Georgetown~, they will not hesitate to call the feds S.N.A.P.S on us if they catch the slightest whiff of Burnett’s or hear even the faintest hint of “Mr. Brightside” coming from a townhouse. Unfortunately for many of our readers out there, what this means is that most of your upperclassman friends will probably not be cool with you and every other member of Darnall 5 crashing their party.

But don’t worry! Getting rejected from and/or getting kicked out of at least one party is basically a #HoyaHomecoming rite of passage. And there are still plenty of other fun ways for you to spend your day! You can wander aimlessly around the neighborhood and engage in some classic Georgetown traditions, such as sprinting away from GUPD cars, getting yelled at by old people who may or may not be John Kerry, and searching for half-empty cans of Natty that have been discarded on the street.

Back on campus, you can easily sneak into pay for a ticket to the tailgate on Regents lawn- here you can do some cool stuff like get a sunburn and make awkward small talk with alumni while you wait in the food line for 20 minutes. And of course, if all else fails, we’ll always have the Vil A rooftop. Nothing says #HoyaHomecoming quite like gazing out at that beautiful Arlington skyline as you watch  your classmates come dangerously close to falling over the railing.

Georgetown residents upon seeing even a single red solo cup

Water. Food. Rest. Repeat.

Remember what I said earlier about pacing yourself? I can already tell that you didn’t listen to me. Now you’re exhausted, your phone is dead, and you’re sitting on the floor of a New South bathroom, wondering where it all went wrong. You’ve managed to lose both your dignity and your GoCard- and it’s still only noon. Bet you don’t feel so “lit” anymore, huh? But don’t despair – 4E is here to save you! First, you need to walk/crawl to the nearest vending machine/sink/Dahlgren Fountain, and HYDRATE. You are in desperate need of H2O. Drink up.

Next, you need to eat something that will help counteract the consequences of that last Natty you ~regrettably~ decided to shotgun. If you can’t talk your way back into the tailgate to acquire some free pizza, we recommend you stick with what you know and head on over to Wisey’s. After all, the best Chicken Madnesses are the ones you don’t remember eating.

Finally, your phone isn’t the only thing that needs to recharge. Whether it’s in your own bed or in the middle of Healy Lawn, you need to take a power nap. Find a spot, tell a friend to wake you up in an hour and pass out. Don’t worry, the Vil A rooftop isn’t going anywhere. There will be plenty more opportunities to embarrass yourself when you wake up.

You at Homecoming if you ignore my advice

Make Memories

As a distinguished member of the class of ‘85 drunkenly yelled at me during Homecoming last year once told me, college is the best four years of your life. I know this may not seem true as you stress-cry while writing a paper on Lau 2 at 4 a.m., but Homecoming gives you the perfect opportunity to rediscover why you first fell in love with Georgetown all those year(s) ago. So don’t be afraid to belt out the (probably wrong) lyrics to the fight song when someone inevitably starts up a bad acapella rendition in the middle of a party. Don’t be afraid to make valuable future business connections new friends as you wait in line for food at the tailgate. Don’t be afraid to break your wrist from falling off of the John Carrol statue while trying to take that perfect #HoyaHomecoming Instagram.

Because we here at 4E want to let you in on a secret: our sources can confirm that the real world is a scary place. Apparently, once you turn 23, it is suddenly no longer acceptable to sleep until 2 p.m. every day, or eat chicken fingers for every meal, or religiously attend an event called “Jersey Night” every Wednesday. And so, my fellow students, be sure to enjoy every moment of your time here on the Hilltop. And to all the alumni out there reading this guide with a mix of shock, nostalgia, and anticipation, we leave you with the immortal words of Saint John Thompson Jr: “If I can’t go to Heaven, take me back to Georgetown.”

See you soon, and Hoya Saxa.

P.S: Please actually make good choices! And remember that GERMS can always be reached at 202-687-4357.

Sources: giphy.com/ Lauinger Library

GTFO: Hidden Study Spots, Finals Edition

As you begin to recover from the aftermath of Georgetown Day, we regret to inform that it’s officially Finals Season. And if you can’t stand the thought of spending the next two weeks studying in hell Lau, fear not: we here at 4E have got you covered with some of the best hidden study spots on this side of the Potomac.

1.  The Library of Congress

Located in the heart of D.C., the Library of Congress is the perfect place to reenact scenes from National Treasure get some serious and productive studying done! Visiting the Library of Congress is a great opportunity to try to finally figure out the whole GUTS bus/Metro system, get frustrated after three minutes, and resort to calling an Uber like you always do.  Once you get there, be sure to blatantly ignore the library rules and take plenty of pictures of your beautiful surroundings- you can send some to your parents as proof that your college experience also involves some non-Burnetts-related activities !

4E Fun Fact: My own Library of Congress card has the unique distinction of being the only picture of me in existence that is worse than the one on my GoCard.

Actual footage of a Georgetown student Snapchatting his friends at the LoC.

2. The Aisles of Vital Vittles

If you’re too lazy to venture more than five minutes from campus looking for something a little closer to your Hilltop home, there are still plenty of options. One of Georgetown’s best study spots is located in the aisles of Vittles. This is exactly what it sounds like: just grab your backpack, go sit on the floor of the campus grocery store and get to work! Trust us, all the cool kids are doing it. As you study, you can enjoy the questioning stares of your fellow Hoyas while munching on one of the snacks you settled for because they were inexplicably out of your top five snack food choices.

4E Bonus Tip: If you’re feeling really adventurous, go study in the lone aisle of Snaxa.

3. VCE

Home to sophomores who skipped every “What’s a Hoya?” and freshmen who weren’t told this was even an option during their GAAP weekend, Village C East is truly a hidden treasure. Frequently forgotten and perpetually overlooked in favor of its better-known sibling to the west, VCE is basically the Jeb Bush of Georgetown dormitories. So while it may be “low-energy,” sometimes that’s exactly what you need after another wasted night spent in the distraction-filled mosh pit known as Lau 2 during finals. I personally recommend grabbing a spot at the tables in the laundry room, mostly because it reminds me of a simpler time, during freshman year, when I actually did my laundry on a regular basis instead of wearing the same pair of jeans for a week straight and hoping no one notices.

Remember when people were worried about him becoming president? We were so young…

4. The ICC Bathrooms

We’ve all been there: your professor assigns you a “collaborative final project” and everyone in your group is a total stranger. You’re probably freaking out- group projects are soooo awkward! But luckily, we here at 4E have found a quick fix to your problem: the ICC bathrooms. Spending time in uncomfortably-close physical proximity is a surefire way to get to know each other. And what better place to build this camaraderie than in the inexplicably-tiny restrooms of the Edward B. Bunn S.J. Intercultural Center? Just think of all the built-in conversation starters that will help break the ice: “Why are we working in a bathroom?” “This is so weird”- you’re sure to be best friends in no time! And best of all, you won’t have any of that pesky “reliable wifi access” to distract you from the task at hand.

4E Bonus Tip: If you’re really looking to get close with your peers, head on over to the White-Gravenor bathrooms, which have the cool added bonus of being extremely small and extremely old.

5. John Kerry’s House

Now that the Secret Service agents outside of his house are gone, this basically means we all have an open invitation to go hang out with Johnny K whenever we want. Though I personally have never actually been inside his home, I’m assuming it’s extremely classy (John Kerry is pretty much as #bougie as it gets- here’s a picture of a him on a yacht with JFK) and it also probably has pretty decent wifi, because we all know how much former Secretaries of State like to send emails!

Disclaimer: Yes, I know that joke was terrible, but I got yelled at for writing too many articles roasting Trump, so just consider this my attempt at being bipartisan). Additionally, the Kerrster can totally help you study for your IR final, and will almost-definitely be down to walk across the street with you for a Wingo’s study break

*Side Note: If anyone ever actually sees John Kerry at Wingo’s, please alert me immediately.

The Internet was made for moments like this.

So there you have it- five ways to shake up your study routine this finals season. Best of luck from all of us here at 4E, and please remember to keep procrastinating by reading our articles!

Photo source: jfklibrary.org; Gif source: giphy.com 

25 Things to Expect on Election Day

Election Day

Four years ago at this time I was a sophomore in high school, wondering who would be running for president when I would finally be able to vote. Fast-forward to now, and let’s just say many of us are surprised by where we are today in terms of presidential candidates.

Now is the time we all have been waiting for. After all, many Hoyas look forward to Tuesday because being in D.C. will certainly make things interesting. As doomsday Election Day draws closer, people are undoubtedly wondering what the day will entail. As always, 4E is here to help you and present you with a list of things to expect on election day.

  1. Expect to wake up at 5:00 AM to the loud noises and chants of campus campaigners.
  2. You’ll probably step out of your dorm room and find your hallway wallpapered with pictures of Hillary, Donald memes and ads for those other candidates that you forgot existed.
  3. Leo’s will be full of people wearing campaign shirts, pins, hats, etc. You may see some joke shirts too (I don’t think we really need to go into depth on why). 
  4. You’ll walk into Red Square and witness a number of things, first and foremost, a great swarm of students.
  5. College Democrats will be rooting for Hillary.
  6. College Republicans will be rooting for well…we don’t really know, since the ol’Donald’s policies have been denounced by many Republicans on the Hill.
  7. Matthew Kroenig will be lecturing to the public on the current election situation and predicting what will happen to our country depending on what candidate wins.
  8. Some random student will also be trying to lecture. People will stand by to either listen or put it on their snapstory…
  9. …Leading to the next observation: Snapchat will be full of “I Voted” stickers and all sorts of filters for this special day.
  10. Some organization will have written (in chalk) messages about remembering love and peace during this election season (will they end up vandalized?).
  11. Finally, one last group of students won’t be campaigning for anyone, but just telling you to vote and fulfill your ~civic duty~.
  12. Dahlgren Chapel will be packed with students, faculty, locals and maybe even Joe Biden, all praying for neither candidate to win and for the next four years to be over quickly.
  13. Will Hillary Clinton herself make an appearance? She’ll probably be in Washington anyway, so why not head to a college campus?
  14. On a similar note, John Kerry will most definitely be seen around the neighborhood. You may see him around O Street or, like Hillary, possibly campaigning on our campus.
  15. If you see John Kerry, you’ll also see his security guards. Be sure to look if they seem slightly tipsy
  16. …Which leads to my next point: you may, in fact, see plenty of drunk Hoyas (21+ of course). Just as some played drinking games to get through the debates, some will drink to get through the day (let’s hope not for the next four years).
  17. Back to campaigning: will Eric Trump make an appearance at his alma mater? His father might want to balance the Dems’ campaigning efforts, so he may send Eric out from the golf clubs to do some #work.
  18. Later in the day, all the interns from Capitol Hill will return to campus. Some will talk about how they monitored results when in reality they were just getting Congressmen coffee.
  19. Expect some mild rioting throughout the day. No one’s happy, but no one’s going crazy…yet.
  20. Around the time that the results are announced, you’ll see a large crowd running out of the front gates. This isn’t a revolutionary force; it’s just GRC going on it’s White House run. Check it out- you’ll get to see all the craziness downtown.
  21. Walking through HFSC at this time, amid all the shouting, you’ll hear various news channels gauging the international response. From laughter to threats of nuclear war, expect foreign leaders to have a wide variety of responses.
  22. IF HILLARY WINS: Expect many people to relax, mostly out of relief that Trump wasn’t elected president against all odds.
  23. IF TRUMP WINS: Much of D.C. goes up in flames, along with a large part of the country. Expect mass rioting and looting throughout the city.

    Maybe not this drastic…
  24. Will anarchy spread to campus? It’s possible that some crazy students will rob various Corp locations of bagels and coffee beans. Tables in Lau could be overturned. Hoverboards may even make an appearance in apparent disregard for authority.
  25. And to finally close out the day, you’ll get that Public Safety Announcement from Todd Olsen and Jay Gruber, encouraging students to remain in their dorms and act responsibly, even though this election was just a disaster from the start.

On that note, there’s only one thing to say as we come up on one of the most controversial elections in American history: 

Photos/gifs: giphy.com, http://bit.ly/2fpYCnS

Secret Service Champagne Conspiracies

Banner - Secret ServiceIf you’ve ever walked down one of Georgetown’s many enchanting streets, you may have noticed one or two black Chevrolet Suburbans parked along O Street a few blocks from the main gates. While the people inside these cars aren’t as friendly as the guy in the white van nearby who always gives me free candy after I help him look for his dog, I wanted to know more. My freshman SFS self last year was astonished to learn that they are actually government officers who protect Secretary of State John Kerry, who happens to be a long time resident of Georgetown:

shocked

Naturally, I was curious and wanted to stalk learn more about them, so when the opportunity to walk along this street presented itself, I took it, and walked by 3322 O St NW. Let’s just say I did some undercover work; I ~disguised~ myself as a “lost college student”:

spying

I waited on the side of the street opposite from Secretary Kerry’s house for about five minutes. And then it happened. A officer gets out of the driver’s seat side of the car and begins stretching:

rabbit stretching
Looked something like this…

I wasn’t sure what was going to happen next (and absolutely had to see what was to transpire), so I pretended I lived at the house across the street by sitting down on the stoop and taking a ~very important phone call~. The stretching officer was then approached by a second officer from a separate car; I vaguely overheard this second officer ask the first if he was “ready,” and then they went towards the trunk of the car sitting closest to the house. Out of the trunk, they pull out a silk bag:

popcorn

And out of this silk bag, they then pull a bottle of champagne. A MASSIVE bottle of champagne.

champagne

They then both went into Kerry’s house. At this point my ~very important phone call~ ended and I unfortunately had other places to be (read: the call of an Epi quesadilla was ringing loudly). So, 4E has come up with some conspiracy theories as to what was going on during that fateful night.

  1. Dip Ball was being held here. Considering that Secretary Kerry is the head of all US diplomacy, it is quite possible that they were having their own dip ball and were using the champagne to celebrate. Clearly, the officers weren’t dressed appropriately, though…
  2. It was actually a bottle of wine, sent from none other than the wine connoisseur himself, Donald Trump. We all know how ~successful~ his winery is, and he was just sending a special gift to Kerry, whose presidential campaign Trump supported in past years.
  3. Secretary Kerry was having a moving away party; his house will be up for sale and rumor has it, Georgetown is buying it and will be offering it up in the housing selection process for next year.
  4. As part of the Iranian Nuclear Deal, Secretary Kerry negotiated to get a lifetime supply of champagne. Given his advanced age, this came down to just one large bottle.
  5. They were preparing for their own, debaucherous anti-Dip-Ball.
  6. Secretary Kerry was preparing to imitate this gif:

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, encyclopedia.com, thefederalist.com

HILLDOG: Hillary on the Hilltop

HillToday, the Georgetown Institute for Women, Peace and Security (GIWPS) will graciously host the former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton in Gaston Hall! Along with U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry and former First Lady Laura Bush, Clinton will talk about promoting peace and progress in Afghanistan in order to advance Afghan women.

Hillary Clinton, former First Lady, former Senator of New York, former Secretary of State, is without a doubt one of the most respected politicians in America. She is often known for her quick retorts, solid stances on the issues and fantastic pant suits. Let’s review what makes Hillary so glorious:

This is Hillary Rodham Clinton.

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This is also Hillary Rodham Clinton, circa the time she embodied the peak of coolness at Wellesley College:

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Hillary’s fashion sense has only gotten better since then. For example, her hair in the 90s:

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(Although the hair changed, Clinton never did. Pure poetry. As she once snarkily said “If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.” Preach!)

Some First Ladies might feel inferior to their husbands. Not Hillary. Bill knows Hillary doesn’t care about what he says. She is one of the world’s most eloquent supporters of women’s rights

Human rights are women’s rights, and women’s rights are human rights. Let us not forget that among those rights are the right to speak freely — and the right to be heard.

We need to understand that there is no formula for how women should lead their lives. That is why we must respect the choices that each woman makes for herself and her family. Every woman deserves the chance to realize her God-given potential.

Too many women in too many countries speak the same language — of silence.

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It’s not easy being the best, but through all the stress, Hillary has remained classy and strong. She composes herself masterfully. For example, she can be totally hip,

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or totally get-out-of-my-way serious

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or even crush those who stand in her way.

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She stands up for herself when she has to

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and stands up for what she believes is right.

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It’s time that we move from good words to good works, from sound bites to sound solutions.

Hillary has always been truly amazing and isn’t even close to reaching her peak. You can be sure to see this class act when you go see Hillary speak in Gaston tomorrow at 10:00am!

Photos: Buzzfeed, Washington Post, Biography 

Inspiring Quotes by Laura Bush on the Future of Afghan Women

Laura BushTomorrow morning, former First Lady Laura Bush will join Secretary of State John Kerry and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in Gaston Hall to discuss the future of Afghan women. Over the past decade, Mrs. Bush has been an impassioned champion for for the advancement of women in Afghanistan. To give a taste of tomorrow’s event, 4E has featured some of Mrs. Bush’s most uplifting quotes:

When we look around the world today, when we see in Afghanistan that 10 million people have registered to vote in their upcoming elections, including 40 percent of those people are women, that’s just unbelievable.

Dedication of US Embassy Building. United States Embassy.

For many Americans, the situation in Afghanistan seems too complex and too far away to confront. I worry that the message we are sending to Afghan men, women and children is that their lives are not worth our time or attention. That message must change – we cannot abandon them.

US-Afgan Women's Council

Fighting brutality against women and children is not the expression of a specific culture; it is the acceptance of our common humanity – a commitment shared by people of good will on every continent.

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The plight of women and children in Afghanistan is a matter of deliberate human cruelty, carried out by those who seek to intimidate and control.

bushlauramuslimwomengtty

Civilized people throughout the world are speaking out in horror — not only because our hearts break for the women and children in Afghanistan, but also because in Afghanistan we see the world the terrorists would like to impose on the rest of us.

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The fight against terrorism is also a fight for the rights and dignity of women.

 

We can’t wait to welcome you back to the Hilltop tomorrow and hear what you have to say, Mrs. Bush. (Hopefully we’ll get a few more quotes to add to our list!)

Photos: Wikipedia, Stoykovich, White House Archives, LA Times, Georgetown, Bookish

The Many Faces of John Kerry

The Many Faces of John KerryHere at The Fourth Edition, we love to take the time to appreciate the many speakers who grace us with their presence on the Hilltop. We’re fortunate enough to have many big names in government, business and culture share their knowledge with us. Nov. 15 will be no different, as three political all-stars – John Kerry, Hillary Clinton and Laura Bush – take to Gaston Hall to discuss the future of Afghan women. To prepare for this event, we at 4E have decided to give you a rundown on the many faces of Secretary of State John Kerry. Take a peek for yourself:

This is John Kerry.

John_Kerry_official_Secretary_of_State_portrait

He’s a pretty cool guy.

John_F._Kerry

He’s also very intelligent: He has received degrees from both Yale University and Boston College Law School.Kerry_graduation

From 1968-1969, he served a four-month tour of duty in South Vietnam, and for his service, he was awarded numerous medals, including a Bronze Star, a Silver Star and three Purple Hearts. Later, Kerry became an outspoken member of Vietnam Veterans Against the War Group, testifying numerous times in front of the Senate Committee on Foreign Affairs.

Kerry

For many years, Kerry served as a United States Senator representing Massachusetts.

JohnKerry

He even made a presidential bid in 2004 with running-mate John Edwards …awkward

… which, unfortunately for them, ended in a loss to incumbent President George W. Bush.

Kerry-sad-face-AFP

Things have since gotten better for Kerry. He now serves as the 68th United States Secretary of State …

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… though some believe that he is secretly an Oompa Loompa.kerry-oompa-loompa

Regardless, he’ll be speaking tomorrow at Georgetown on the future of Afghan women. We can’t wait to hear you speak, Secretary Kerry!

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Photos: Wikipedia, Forbes, MSNBC, Vice Presidents, Breitbart, CS Monitor, Free Republic, Bigstory AP, CNN