If you haven’t heard, Blake Shelton was recently named the Sexiest Man Alive. We here at 4E are unsure if it’s just us, or if everyone else also has trouble seeing what People Magazine and Gwen Stefani see (look below for reference).
To try and get some perspective on this confusing choice, here’s a list of 15 people we think are sexier than Blake Shelton:
The pizza in the above gif
The Wisey’s Rat
Jack the Bulldog
Josh Peck (pre-not inviting Drake Bell to his wedding)
Amanda Bynes in “She’s the Man”
The Dad from “Drake and Josh”
Jack the Bulldog on a skateboard
Kim Kim (we still miss you on the panini press)
Todd Olson in full convocation garb
We at 4E simply cannot fathom how none of these fine options preceded Blake Shelton. People Magazine, we urge you to take into account this definitive list before choosing your ~Sexiest Man Alive~ next year.
College is a time of great uncertainty. Everyday, we ask ourselves: “What will I do with my life?” “Who will I be when I grow up?” “Why did I decide to major in English?”
We know these questions might seem scary, but 4E is here to help you procrastinate writing that essay for another five minutes discover who you really are. Take this quiz, and finally find an answer to the timeless question:
As you may have heard, Georgetown’s very own prodigal son is returning home to the Hilltop this week. And as cynical as we usually are here at 4E, this is actually a pretty cool thing. After all, since the events of the past year have forced us to acknowledge that Eric Trump, Steve Bannon, and Paul Manafort are technically alumni, we need to celebrate the Hoyas who didn’t collude with Russia have made a positive impact in the world now more than ever.
But as you prepare to camp outside Gaston to hear his speech, many of you who were born in the late-90s may be asking yourselves, “Who is Bill Clinton?” We know from eavesdropping on Blue and Gray tours that he certainly attended Georgetown, but is he really a Hoya? If he were a student today, would he regularly attend Jersey Night? Would he mourn the loss of Quick Pita? Would he post in the meme group? And more importantly, would his memes be dank? To try to answer some of these pressing questions, we here at 4E briefly skimmed carefully read and took diligent notes on Bill Clinton’s autobiography, My Life, and came to the following conclusion:
Bill Clinton is a true Hoya.
Take a look at our reasoning below:
1. He Loves Wisey’s
The Quote: “At Wisemiller’s Deli, just across Thirty-sixth Street from the Walsh building where I had most of my classes, I got coffee and two donuts for twenty cents every morning”
Our Analysis: Like all good Hoyas, Bill Clinton both loves Wisey’s and eats there way too much. He definitely would have voted for the Hot Chick/Chicken Madness ticket back in the infamous GUSA election of 2016, and is surely a strong supporter of our unofficial school mascot, The Wisey’s Rat™. So the next time you feel guilty about eating Wisey’s cookies for breakfast as you walk in 15 minutes late to your class on the fourth floor of Walsh because the elevator was taking forever, just remember that you will probably grow up to be the President of the United States.
2. He Never Leaves Campus
The Quote: “In my first two years, I rarely ventured beyond the confines of the University and its immediate surroundings”
Our Analysis: For a true Hoya, Burleith is as exotic as it gets. Yes, just like a vast majority of Hoyas, Bill Clinton fell victim to the Georgetown Bubble. And yes, we know D.C. is a world-class city full of renowned food, art, and culture, but the whole Metro system is confusing and not a lot of places take GoCard. True Hoyas stick to complaining about the lack of options at Leo’s and only venture beyond M street once a semester for Instagram-related purposes. Also “immediate surroundings” is definitely code for Chi Di. We’ll see you there on Thursday, Bill. Hopefully you have a good ID though, they’ve been pretty tough this year.
The Quote: “My most memorable class sophomore year was Professor Walter Giles’s U.S. Constitution and Government… By the time I got to his class I had embraced my lifelong affinity for sleep deprivation and had developed the sometimes embarrassing habit of falling asleep for five or ten minutes of class”
Our Analysis: Same, Bill Clinton. Same. Does it even qualify as a Georgetown class if more than half its students are awake at any given time? Whether it’s in a lecture hall, on Healy Lawn, or in the middle of a professor’s office hours (it happened once), falling asleep at inappropriate times is what we Hoyas do best. Honestly, Bill Clinton, props for doing this well in an era before you could try to stay awake by scrolling through memes on Facebook while the professor thinks you’re taking notes. Side note to any of my professors who accidentally clicked on this article: I love your class! Keep up the good work!
4. He Has a Capitol Hill Internship
The Quote: On interning for Arkansas Senator William Fulbright, “It was easy to fit the job into my daily schedule, partly because in junior year only five courses were required instead of six, partly because some classes started as early as 7 a.m.”
Our Analysis: If you hadn’t already guessed, Bill Clinton was in the SFS. This quote confirms it. I can practically hear this quote telling me he’s a STIA major and that he has to go study for MAP. Even today, when Bill Clinton meets new people, I guarantee you that he finds some way to mention the SFS. This guy is a Hoya.
5. He Loves The Tombs
The Quote: “My favorite haunts in Georgetown were the Tombs, a beer hall in a cellar beneath the 1789 restaurant, where most of the students went for beer and burgers”
Our Analysis: Bill Clinton’s Tombs Night was definitely lit. But not too lit, like where you had to call GERMS and the whole night was ruined. It was just the right level of lit, like where everybody danced to “In Da Club” by 50 Cent when the clock hit midnight, and then Bill Clinton got a great Instagram pic of his forehead being stamped by the Tombs bouncer. Every Hoya since John Carrol has made some of their greatest memories at the Tombs. Need we say more?
So there you have it: Bill Clinton is a Georgetown Hoya. Our diligent research has definitively proved it. We hope you all have fun accidentally falling asleep learning a lot at his speech on Monday- and huge props to the team over at #GUPolitics for making this happen! No disrespect to the time you got Martin O’Malley to play his guitar in McShain Lounge, but this is definitely much cooler than that.
Sources: My Life by Bill Clinton, Tombs.com, Facebook.com, giphy.com, Georgetowndc.com, georgetown.edu
Yes, it’s sadly still midterm season, which means that you’re probably reading this article on Lau 2 while simultaneously crafting a last-minute email to your professor begging for an extension. But now it’s time for you to take a break from the stress and completely ignore all your responsibilities, because #HoyaHomecoming is officially upon us. In honor of the one day a year we can kind of act like a state school, we here at 4E have complied a helpful guide to make sure that your Homecoming experience is a success.
Remember: It’s a Marathon, Not a Sprint
Look, we’ve all been there: You and 20 of your closest friends are crammed into a 12×15 foot dorm room. You’re looking ~fresh~ in your very original, one-of-a-kind, totally unique Georgetown basketball jersey. Your signature song (“Hips Don’t Lie” by Shakira) is playing, and that cutie from your Econ class is definitely taking notice of your impressive dabbing ability. Needless to say, the pregame is ~lit~. And at some point, this level of “litness” will likely inspire you to “go all out” for #HoyaHomecoming and do one of the following: A) Take way too many shots of Fireball B) Take way too many shots of Lime Burnett’s or C) Chug an entire can of Four Loko.
As you consider your options, 4E is here to give you some friendly advice: DON’T DO IT. Under the florescent lights of that sweaty dorm room, we know it may seem like a good idea, but trust us, in a few hours, you will come to the painful realization that it was not. The key to a successful Homecoming is to pace yourself. Unlike a normal night out, you will be expected both to stay awake for more than four hours and to functionally interact with actual adults in a non-Piano-Bar-setting. Neither of those things will be possible if you achieve maximum “litness” at 9 a.m. And as you make your decisions about how much to drink throughout the rest of the day, just remember that while Homecoming may be temporary, Snapchat screenshots are forever.
Love Thy Neighbor.
If you remember anything from last year’s homecoming, you’ll remember that our neighbors literally hate us. And noise. And alcohol. And anything even remotely resembling fun. So despite the fact that they knew ~Georgetown~ University was located here when they made the decision to move to ~Georgetown~, they will not hesitate to call the feds S.N.A.P.S on us if they catch the slightest whiff of Burnett’s or hear even the faintest hint of “Mr. Brightside” coming from a townhouse. Unfortunately for many of our readers out there, what this means is that most of your upperclassman friends will probably not be cool with you and every other member of Darnall 5 crashing their party.
But don’t worry! Getting rejected from and/or getting kicked out of at least one party is basically a #HoyaHomecoming rite of passage. And there are still plenty of other fun ways for you to spend your day! You can wander aimlessly around the neighborhood and engage in some classic Georgetown traditions, such as sprinting away from GUPD cars, getting yelled at by old people who may or may not be John Kerry, and searching for half-empty cans of Natty that have been discarded on the street.
Back on campus, you can easily sneak into pay for a ticket to the tailgate on Regents lawn- here you can do some cool stuff like get a sunburn and make awkward small talk with alumni while you wait in the food line for 20 minutes. And of course, if all else fails, we’ll always have the Vil A rooftop. Nothing says #HoyaHomecoming quite like gazing out at that beautiful Arlington skyline as you watch your classmates come dangerously close to falling over the railing.
Water. Food. Rest. Repeat.
Remember what I said earlier about pacing yourself? I can already tell that you didn’t listen to me. Now you’re exhausted, your phone is dead, and you’re sitting on the floor of a New South bathroom, wondering where it all went wrong. You’ve managed to lose both your dignity and your GoCard- and it’s still only noon. Bet you don’t feel so “lit” anymore, huh? But don’t despair – 4E is here to save you! First, you need to walk/crawl to the nearest vending machine/sink/Dahlgren Fountain, and HYDRATE. You are in desperate need of H2O. Drink up.
Next, you need to eat something that will help counteract the consequences of that last Natty you ~regrettably~ decided to shotgun. If you can’t talk your way back into the tailgate to acquire some free pizza, we recommend you stick with what you know and head on over to Wisey’s. After all, the best Chicken Madnesses are the ones you don’t remember eating.
Finally, your phone isn’t the only thing that needs to recharge. Whether it’s in your own bed or in the middle of Healy Lawn, you need to take a power nap. Find a spot, tell a friend to wake you up in an hour and pass out. Don’t worry, the Vil A rooftop isn’t going anywhere. There will be plenty more opportunities to embarrass yourself when you wake up.
As a distinguished member of the class of ‘85 drunkenly yelled at me during Homecoming last year once told me, college is the best four years of your life. I know this may not seem true as you stress-cry while writing a paper on Lau 2 at 4 a.m., but Homecoming gives you the perfect opportunity to rediscover why you first fell in love with Georgetown all those year(s) ago. So don’t be afraid to belt out the (probably wrong) lyrics to the fight song when someone inevitably starts up a bad acapella rendition in the middle of a party. Don’t be afraid to make valuable future business connections new friends as you wait in line for food at the tailgate. Don’t be afraid to break your wrist from falling off of the John Carrol statue while trying to take that perfect #HoyaHomecoming Instagram.
Because we here at 4E want to let you in on a secret: our sources can confirm that the real world is a scary place. Apparently, once you turn 23, it is suddenly no longer acceptable to sleep until 2 p.m. every day, or eat chicken fingers for every meal, or religiously attend an event called “Jersey Night” every Wednesday. And so, my fellow students, be sure to enjoy every moment of your time here on the Hilltop. And to all the alumni out there reading this guide with a mix of shock, nostalgia, and anticipation, we leave you with the immortal words of Saint John Thompson Jr: “If I can’t go to Heaven, take me back to Georgetown.”
See you soon, and Hoya Saxa.
P.S: Please actually make good choices! And remember that GERMS can always be reached at 202-687-4357.
Take a break from rationing your remaining flex dollars and crying at the thought of having to eat at New Leo’s, because Parents Weekend (a.k.a. Beg Your Parents to Buy You Food Weekend) is upon us. And while it’s certainly nice to see the ‘rents (s/o my fellow #millennials), there are always some moms and dads you should be on the lookout for. To help you out, we’ve complied a list of the five parents you will meet during Parents Weekend:
1. The “Alumnus”
This parent answers the hypothetical question, “What if Jersey Night was somehow a dad?” Get ready for a weekend full of some definitely-not-exaggerated stories about those “wild nights at The Tombs” and how he/she totally used to “party with Patrick Ewing” “back in the day”. The “Alumnus” can usually be found reminiscing about how “the drinking age used to be 18” or how “the basketball team used to be good,” while staring wistfully at Healy and telling you about the time his/her roommate fell out of a New South window. Should you have to interact with one of these parents over the course of your weekend, our best advice is to continually reassure the “Alumnus” that you too love the movie St. Elmo’s Fire, while casually hinting how “cool” it would be if someone could buy you a case of Natty.
2. The “Empty-Nester”
This parent is still having a hard time accepting that the baby of the family is off at college. The Empty-Nester will spend the weekend doing the child’s laundry and thanklessly trying to replicate a home-cooked meal in the middle of a VCW common room. If your parent is the “Empty-Nester”, be sure to blatantly lie reassure them that you are making good choices, exercising regularly, and studying diligently every night before going to sleep promptly at 10 p.m. If you come into contact with someone else’s “Empty-Nester” mom or dad, be sure to nod sympathetically and mention how your own parents have simply replaced you with a dog.
3. The “Well, MY Son/Daughter Doesn’t Drink”
This parent is hopelessly out of touch with reality. When meeting other parents, this mom or dad will immediately assert a (false) superiority by saying some variation of “Well, my [insert child’s name] isn’t much of a partier” or “Well, my [insert child’s name here] is too busy studying to really go out much”. Nine times out of ten, this parent’s beloved child is the same child you once found passed out next to an empty can of Four Loko in a bathroom on a Tuesday night. If you meet one of these parents, resist the urge to show off all those incriminating Snapchats you’ve screenshotted, and simply go along with the naïve charade. Someday, likely in the form of a hospital bill after [insert child’s name here] is GERMSed from falling down the Vil A rooftop steps, the truth behind all those alleged “nights in Lau” will come out. But Parents Weekend is not that day.
4. The “Is This Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend??”
This parent will spend the entire weekend launching a full-scale, Spanish-Inquisition-style investigation into his or her child’s dating life. This will include asking every carbon-based lifeform that comes within ten feet of New South, “So…you and [insert child’s name] are…friends?” If this is your parent, expect a weekend of having your room discreetly searched for evidence, and continually being asked “whom are you texting?” and “is there anything you want to tell me?” as you walk around campus. If you find yourself in a situation where this is one of your friend’s parents, we suggest you remove yourself from this situation as quickly as possible, unless you want to become the next contestant on a never-ending Jeopardy episode where every category is just “Are You Dating My Son???”
5. The “Trump Supporter”
This one goes out to you, Hoyas from Michigan, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania. So step away from the “H*yas for Choice” table and rip that “Feel the Bern” sticker off your laptop, because all your friends are about to find out that your parent(s) are wholly responsible for the horrible and embarrassing end of American Democracy as we know it voted for Donald J. Trump. If you want to keep some semblance of familial cordiality and make it through the weekend on speaking terms, follow some of these helpful tips and tricks:
DO NOT mention what happened when Jeff Sessions spoke at the Law School a few weeks ago.
DO NOT mention that Hillary spoke in Gaston last year.
DO NOT mention anything about her famous Hoya Husband either.
DO mention that Steve Bannon and Paul Manafort are alumni? (#notmyhoyas).
So there you have it: The five parents you will meet on parents weekend. From all of us here at 4E: be safe, have fun, and enjoy putting off that midterm paper in favor of getting brunch with the #rents.