Super Bowl LIII Recap

Another Super Bowl has come and gone, and Tom Brady now possesses six of the 20 Rings of Power.

Now, while the wound is still fresh, you may be lamenting another Patriots victory, celebrating the NFL’s most evil team or just following the Brady-Edelman power couple spending their Super Bowl honeymoon in Disney World. (https://twitter.com/i/moments/1092497269893533697)

But for the mournful, the nostalgic or the sports-averse, you may be wondering what happened? Because, for real, what actually happened during the four full hours that game lasted.

So, here’s your 4E recap (from a writer who is utterly ignorant and misinformed) of Super Bowl LIII.

1st Quarter

Touchdown Count: 0

Total Points: 0

To be completely honest, I missed the entire first quarter. It seems like the Rams and Pats did, too. Rumor has it, literally nothing happened. Not a single point — not just no touchdowns —but no actual points.

It was like watching an entire soccer game.

2nd Quarter

Touchdown Count: 0

Total Points: 3 (Pats)

Again, I missed the first five minutes of the quarter, which, unfortunately, is when stuff happened. I’ve been told that a ball (presumably one made of or used by feet) was kicked into a large yellow goal, awarding three (3) points to the Patriots.

The next 15 minutes were similar to the entirety of the first quarter, so no need to comment there.

What’s worth mentioning is that the commercial game was on point this year.

We had a wonderfully diverse mix this year ranging from the humorous:

To the hype:

The dark:

And the terrifying:

Also, shout out to WaPo for shouting out the journalists of the world. Extremely shocked The Hoya did not make an appearance.

Halftime

Oh God. Oh dear God.

I think this halftime show violated poetic theory, censorship laws and human rights. We denounce body-shaming in all its forms, but … wow, just wow. Nothing I can write can live up to this hottest take:
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There was no THEME. No COHERENCY. All Adam Levine did was bring us back circa 2012 and tease “Sweet Victory” while shoehorning in a bunch of rappers.

Let’s not even mention Mr. Levine’s abjectly disrespectful display of what he thought was dancing.

3rd Quarter

Touchdown Count: 0

Total Points: 6 (Pats 3 – Rams 3)

Rams finally get on the board with a field goal. That sums up the action of the third quarter. So, back to the commercials.

T-Mobile came out swinging with five different spots Sunday night, which you can view here:

While I would go through and dissect each one, I’ll just address the biggest takeaway: The fairly irrelevant phone service company is promising a lot because, according to these ads, by just simply switching over, one can get free tacos and a free Lyft ride on Tuesdays. Bold move, T-Mobile, bold move. Maybe you’ll get four new customers to supplement your existing five.

4th Quarter

Touchdown Count: 1

Total Points: 16 (13 Pats – 3 Rams) -FINAL

One. One touchdown. In a game where the objective and the main mode of scoring is moving the ball down the field into the end zone resulting in a touchdown, there seems to have been a noticeable dearth of them.

And this ONE touchdown wasn’t even exciting. It was just a regular touchdown.

No crazy plays. No insane twists. No creativity. It was football performed in pure theory.  The final plays of the game were essentially the tutorial levels of Madden.

There weren’t even any commercials to save the night.

After four hours, the game just … ended.

The American Pastime?

This was the lowest-scoring Super Bowl in the history of the event.

And while Pats fans are celebrating a well-earned victory (if you have selective memory of the game with the Saints and all the other stuff the Pats have been accused of), Brady’s sixth ring and the dominance of a football dynasty came at the expense of the fundamental purpose of televised sports: entertainment.

The playoffs were marked by some of the most exciting games we’ve ever seen, but the culmination of these nail-biting battles was decidedly lackluster. The “American” part of “American” football was missing Sunday night: the raw, unhindered (oftentimes grimy) sense of competition.

So while we wait for next year’s Super Bowl, with the hopes of seeing a team other than the New England Patriots…

Here’s to basketball!

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