Super Bowl LIII Recap

Another Super Bowl has come and gone, and Tom Brady now possesses six of the 20 Rings of Power.

Now, while the wound is still fresh, you may be lamenting another Patriots victory, celebrating the NFL’s most evil team or just following the Brady-Edelman power couple spending their Super Bowl honeymoon in Disney World. (https://twitter.com/i/moments/1092497269893533697)

But for the mournful, the nostalgic or the sports-averse, you may be wondering what happened? Because, for real, what actually happened during the four full hours that game lasted.

So, here’s your 4E recap (from a writer who is utterly ignorant and misinformed) of Super Bowl LIII.

1st Quarter

Touchdown Count: 0

Total Points: 0

To be completely honest, I missed the entire first quarter. It seems like the Rams and Pats did, too. Rumor has it, literally nothing happened. Not a single point — not just no touchdowns —but no actual points.

It was like watching an entire soccer game.

2nd Quarter

Touchdown Count: 0

Total Points: 3 (Pats)

Again, I missed the first five minutes of the quarter, which, unfortunately, is when stuff happened. I’ve been told that a ball (presumably one made of or used by feet) was kicked into a large yellow goal, awarding three (3) points to the Patriots.

The next 15 minutes were similar to the entirety of the first quarter, so no need to comment there.

What’s worth mentioning is that the commercial game was on point this year.

We had a wonderfully diverse mix this year ranging from the humorous:

To the hype:

The dark:

And the terrifying:

Also, shout out to WaPo for shouting out the journalists of the world. Extremely shocked The Hoya did not make an appearance.

Halftime

Oh God. Oh dear God.

I think this halftime show violated poetic theory, censorship laws and human rights. We denounce body-shaming in all its forms, but … wow, just wow. Nothing I can write can live up to this hottest take:
h

There was no THEME. No COHERENCY. All Adam Levine did was bring us back circa 2012 and tease “Sweet Victory” while shoehorning in a bunch of rappers.

Let’s not even mention Mr. Levine’s abjectly disrespectful display of what he thought was dancing.

3rd Quarter

Touchdown Count: 0

Total Points: 6 (Pats 3 – Rams 3)

Rams finally get on the board with a field goal. That sums up the action of the third quarter. So, back to the commercials.

T-Mobile came out swinging with five different spots Sunday night, which you can view here:

While I would go through and dissect each one, I’ll just address the biggest takeaway: The fairly irrelevant phone service company is promising a lot because, according to these ads, by just simply switching over, one can get free tacos and a free Lyft ride on Tuesdays. Bold move, T-Mobile, bold move. Maybe you’ll get four new customers to supplement your existing five.

4th Quarter

Touchdown Count: 1

Total Points: 16 (13 Pats – 3 Rams) -FINAL

One. One touchdown. In a game where the objective and the main mode of scoring is moving the ball down the field into the end zone resulting in a touchdown, there seems to have been a noticeable dearth of them.

And this ONE touchdown wasn’t even exciting. It was just a regular touchdown.

No crazy plays. No insane twists. No creativity. It was football performed in pure theory.  The final plays of the game were essentially the tutorial levels of Madden.

There weren’t even any commercials to save the night.

After four hours, the game just … ended.

The American Pastime?

This was the lowest-scoring Super Bowl in the history of the event.

And while Pats fans are celebrating a well-earned victory (if you have selective memory of the game with the Saints and all the other stuff the Pats have been accused of), Brady’s sixth ring and the dominance of a football dynasty came at the expense of the fundamental purpose of televised sports: entertainment.

The playoffs were marked by some of the most exciting games we’ve ever seen, but the culmination of these nail-biting battles was decidedly lackluster. The “American” part of “American” football was missing Sunday night: the raw, unhindered (oftentimes grimy) sense of competition.

So while we wait for next year’s Super Bowl, with the hopes of seeing a team other than the New England Patriots…

Here’s to basketball!

Things to Shut Down Instead of the Government

Hello, fellow citizens. After 35 days and $11 billion down the drain, the U.S. government is finally back open for business. Since, like the government, I am finally back at my normal level of functionality (AKA doing the bare minimum), I’ve decided to compile a list of things that actually need to be shut down ASAP.

1. The Bitter Cold

When I decided to move to D.C., I imagined it would be like living in a temperate swamp. I’d much rather live like my childhood hero, Shrek, than get knocked over by 20 mph winds every day.

2. GUSA Campaign Szn

This is the only case in which I’d advocate for a permanent government shutdown… Thank you sooooooo much for the cookie but I don’t really believe that you’ll get rid of the mold or prevent food poisoning at Leo’s.

3. Lau PDA

Truly an assault on both education AND romance. 1) Please find somewhere more private – Lau 5 at 2 a.m. is just sad and the lighting is terrible, and 2) stop distracting people from their studies.

4. That Smell in the ICC

You thought it left over break. You thought it was just a one-time thing. 4E is sad to report that the smell has returned, and your intermediate Spanish class will never be the same.

5. The Patriots

I know nothing about football and for some reason whenever I talk about this people get extremely agitated. Don’t @ me: Some things are too good to be true.

6. The “Devil’s Advocate” in Your IR Class

It’s enough of a meme at this point that even the devil herself knows better than to use this clichéd line.

7. Valentine’s Day/Easter Ads

I’m just getting over my Elf-on-the-Shelf nightmares and now I can’t make a Wawa run without seeing “The Perfect Man” novelty chocolates and the stalest of candies, Peeps.

8. New Year’s Resolutions

It’s been a month. You can box up your Bullet Blender and cancel your 30-day gym membership trial. We’re *so* proud of you for sticking it out this long.

9. Tuition Increases

If I get one more shamelessly unapologetic email from Todd Olson…

10. Black Mold

Someone needs to inform President DeGioia that sending Facilities to paint over black mold simply does not help the situation. We’ve all read the exposés; let’s shut this down once and for all.

Who knows: maybe one day we’ll be able to keep the government open for more than three weeks at a time! Until then,

Sources: giphy.com, target.com, me.me

Awkward Zoom Conference Moments to Avoid this Winter

Happy New Year, Hoyas! Coming back to campus can be hard with a whole new season of classes, clubs and dodging rats, but sometimes the Old Gods of Georgetown feel that pain and grace us with the desperately needed ~snow day~.


That being said, all our joy can be taken away in one fell swoop with killjoy policy of “Instructional Continuity” and its chief agent: the Zoom Conference.

So, while we hope our snow days remain snow days, here are some awkward moments to avoid while using the bootleg version of Google Hangouts.

Sneezing obnoxiously

Folks, for the love of John J. DeGioia, mute your mics if you ain’t talking.

One of the most criminal occurrences while discussing the minutia of literary criticism is getting a front-row seat to an ear-piercing jet stream of mucus. While the winter season can bring us some childlike fun and top-tier snow selfies, everybody gets sick at some point.

Even so, no one wants to see how sick you are.

Eating aggressively front and center

Everyone knows that snow doesn’t just stop classes. It disrupts the whole infrastructure of the well-oiled machine that is Georgetown University. Leo’s can potentially be inaccessible (blessing in disguise??), which means scrounging for whatever leftovers or unhealthy snack foods you have stocked.

Hunger, sickness, cold and laziness all work together to make any meal you have just so gross. Don’t get caught munching on the oddly shaped apple or unnecessarily wet Epi quesadilla.

#BlockDatCam #MuteDatMic

Recording uncomfortable yelling in a public place

Why anyone would want to “Educational Facetime” their History professor in the chaotic throes of HFSC is a mystery to all of us. Overhearing “weekend plans at Vil A” while discussing the Khmer Rouge is definitely one of the most uncomfortable experiences known to man.

Find a quiet place to conduct this most awkward of educational tools and don’t submit your classmates to hearing things they could die, live and die again without ever hearing.

Unexpected roommate entrances

They say that communication is the most important part of any relationship, especially when living with someone.

So, when everyone ends up trapped in the same building for 12+ hours, it’s pretty important to communicate if you have some necessary and graded online conference you need some space for.

If not, one could, let’s say, capture their roommate yelling some obscenity from some song they’re just really into right now. OR, catching them right after they come back from a good ol’ shower.

Both are pretty bad. Trust us.

Having your professor call on you only to realize you joined the call and immediately turned off your camera and mic and left

No one wants to be there. Not even your professor. Literally, everyone involved would rather be doing anything else.

But desperate times call for desperate measures, and, sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do. So, don’t get caught ditching, not only by the person who controls your grades, but by all the equally tired and lazy people who are choosing to tough it out.

They will have their revenge.

Not knowing when to talk

Since the birth of modern education, classroom participation has revolved around the “raising of the hand.” But when that fundamental function is robbed from you, how are you supposed to do that thing that counts from 25 to 35 percent of your final grade???

Some have taken to awkwardly jumping in, squeaking out a weird noise, coughing, or just screaming to claim their place.

There’s no solution to this one. Sometimes, you just gotta fight for what’s yours.

Just looking real gross in your dorm

It’s been three days. You stayed up until 4 a.m. for the last four days. You begged for a snow day and got one, but the universe spat on this blessing and gave you a 9 a.m. Zoom Conference for Intensive Spanish.

Not only do you look like Todd Olson after a noise complaint from the Georgetown neighborhood, but you’ve also lost all ability to speak your already rudimentary Spanish, much less the English you though you knew.

You literally haven’t showered in days and your last meal was a milkshake from Epi five hours ago when you went to bed.

Take care of yourselves.

Oof…

The semester has only just started, and it looks like this winter’s gonna be a long one.

So, while you should try your best to avoid these terribly awkward moments, you should do better and just take care of yourself.

In the end, we’re all just trying to make it to Georgetown Day.

Things We’re Leaving in 2018

This past year was rough, but that doesn’t necessarily mean 2019 will also be terrible. To help make the future a little bit brighter, here’s a list of things we’re leaving in 2018.

  1. Changing Your Name on Facebook to Something Other Than Your Actual Name

Mark Zuckerberg, Jeff Bezos, and the guy who hacked the 2016 election already have access to every phrase you’ve ever googled, every text you’ve ever sent and every meme you’ve ever even thought about sharing. Changing your last name to your middle name on Facebook so that potential employers won’t see pictures of you holding a beer is not going to work.

2. Telling People “You Look Tired Today”

Thanks, but that’s actually just my face! In this, the Year of Our Lord 2019, there’s really no need to voice your thoughts on this to anyone!

3. Tweeting

Just because the “president” is doing it doesn’t mean you should too. Twitter is never going to give you that sense of validation you crave. It’s just giving you a migraine and probably carpal tunnel. Also, follow @thehoya.

4. Playing “Fight Song” by Rachel Platten

Sometimes it starts playing while I’m browsing the aisles in CVS and I involuntarily flash back to the 2016 election cycle and I become very upset. Please do not play this song in any context at any time in 2019 or beyond. Looking at you @EveryPotential2020Candidate

5.  Drinking La Croix

It is so gross. Please stop offering it to me at parties. I don’t want it and I never will. In 2019, we’re sticking with nature’s zero-calorie alternative: Diet Coke.

6. Acting Like Timothée Chalamet Is the Sexiest Man Alive

Yes, he is cute and a good actor but, come on, what are we doing here? In 2019, please redirect all your energy towards John Krasinski, Michael B. Jordan and/or Jeff Goldblum.

7.  Being Apathetic

Vote. Seriously. We’re not doing this whole thing again. Also, attend Georgetown basketball games. These are equally important priorities. 

8. Juuling

It’s gotten way too popular at least half of you need to stop if the FDA is going to put the good flavors back in stores. 

9. Posting Unflattering Pictures of Your Friends on Instagram Because You Look Good

There is a special place in hell for people who do this. I don’t want to see any more of it in 2019. Crop it, put a heavy Lo-Fi filter on it, or don’t post it at all.

10. Drinking Iced Coffee

Please don’t let this follow us into the 2020s. I’m shivering just thinking about it.

Sources: giphy.com

New Year’s Resolutions You Already Broke

happy new year smiling GIF

Happy New Year, Hoyas! It’s been officially 2019 for almost a month now, which means that you’ve either kept all your New Year’s resolutions so far (woohoo), or (like the rest of us) given up on them so long ago that you forgot they even existed.

With the end of January fast approaching, 4E invites you to take some time to reflect and mourn your most well-intentioned New Year’s resolutions so you can peacefully move ahead with your lazy, debauchery-filled Hoya lifestyle.

fail neil patrick harris GIF by bubly

1. Eating healthy

Salad. Kale. Vegetables. Fruit. Low-carb frozen dinners. Zero-calorie drinks only, and definitely no more Oreo cookies.

I’m just going to say, though, that sometimes, salad just does not cut it. I need chicken nuggets in my life. I need mac n’ cheese. If kale tasted like Rice Krispie treats, we wouldn’t have an issue. But kale tastes like dirt (don’t deny it). And sometimes I just need waffle fries and a strawberry milkshake to keep me going. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way it is. I don’t make the rules.

stressed dear white people GIF

2. Actually doing your homework assignments on time

the flash homework GIF by The Paley Center for Media

Endless reading assignments. Endless cycle of essays and tests. You swore this year you were going to stay on schedule. Maybe even get ahead! But hey, your professor did say he was easy about granting extensions. I mean, he’s basically asking you to turn in your paper a week later than it was due. It’s fine. You can do it tomorrow. Watching The Bachelor is way more important anyway.

procrastinate the amanda show GIF by NickSplat

3. Going to Yates

You told yourself you were going to get up early every single morning and go to Yates. Told yourself you’d run three miles, do some squats, some sit-ups and even some push-ups if you’re feeling ambitious. Then, eat a healthy oatmeal and mango smoothie breakfast, shower and be ready for the day all before your 8 a.m. class. Maybe it’s finally time to recognize the importance of exercise this year. And by that spring break trip to Punta Cana, maybe you’ll finally have that beach bod you’ve always dreamed of.

exercise thank you next GIF by Ariana Grande

But then again, exercise is totally overrated. Waking up before 8 a.m. and walking all the way to Yates even once is a pretty impressive accomplishment. Plus, if you stay in bed, you can dream about pancakes and bacon and french toast. You can start working out next year.

gym fail GIF by Robert E Blackmon

4. Dressing nicely for class

Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like a totally amped-up wardrobe. New sweaters, new shoes, etc. Fashion is your game this year. This semester, you’re going to look put-together and stunning every day. It’ll be impossible for your super hot TA not to notice you this semester.

fashion hair flip GIF

But … sweatpants are really comfortable. And so warm. Plus, you can sleep in them and not even have to change for class the next day. Pretty hard to pass up.

amy poehler deal with it GIF

5. Getting more involved

Join more clubs! Get more involved! Try new things! Make more friends! Some resolutions are worth keeping. (At least until rejection szn!)

Your New Year’s resolutions may not have lasted too long, but just remember, Hoyas, it’s never too late to try new things, pick up good habits, or achieve your goals. Stay positive and make 2019 your best year yet!

The Egg That Beat Kylie: What Your Egg Opinions Say About You

With over 46 million likes, an HD photograph of a whole egg has ousted Queen Kylie Jenner from her title of having the most-liked Instagram post.

While this is a glorious moment that should be celebrated (because who doesn’t love eggs?), I nonetheless believe that this source of protein is getting a little too cocky. Who on earth thought it was a good idea to create egg merchandise?

Nonetheless, we at 4E must pay a tribute to this godly account by devoting this article to the egg in all its glorious forms. Keep reading to see what your egg preference says about you. @world_record_egg, this one’s for you.

Scrambled:

Running to your 300-person Macro lecture, you can probably be spotted from afar, wearing flip flops in the middle of January and annoying everyone with your absurdly tangled earbuds. You may be seen Naruto-running across Copley Lawn, somehow trying to get from Reiss to Car Barn within ten minutes, and you’re probably that person who impulsively made four out of five of their classes all in one day. Good luck :/

Poached

Because this egg is tough to cook, you’re probably high maintenance. You probably analyze your Tinder options for 5 minutes each (must fulfill height, face, personality and muscle requirements), unlike your friends who recklessly swipe right on any and every one. In other words, you’re dating Mac McClung or no one. When you’re still on the waitlist, you probably will be surprised that, no, the professor “will not make an exception for you” and you “simply must let MyAccess do the work.”

Fried

Just like the “perfect” runny yolk, you need a happy medium in order to be likeable. In other words, you are that person who is completely different when sober vs. when drunk. During the school week, you are probably an academic weapon, managing your time perfectly and acing your classes with ease. But 4 Red Bull vodkas in, you’re on the floor, puking, cursing, yelling at GERMS, crying, screaming and sleeping.

Omelette

Eh, you’re a little bland, but we all need some normalcy in our lives. People applaud you for buying your textbooks way in advance and knowing your major the first week of your freshman year. You play it safe by eating the ready-to-go grilled cheeses at bottom Leo’s (shoutout to Sazón for giving me food poisoning this week), and you probably attend those Donuts With Deans events every Thursday.

Hard-Boiled

You’re a tough one: probably that big athlete with the navy blue D1 winter coat that I am afraid of at Leo’s. And if you’re not an athlete, you’re probably that stubborn freshman who cannot believe he got a B+ on that first philosophy paper that totally deserved an A! While you think people probably think you’re ~cool~, whether you’re benching at Yates or playing Devil’s advocate in the SFS, the reality is: not that many people like you.

We at 4E love our eggs and congratulate this viral egg along with its 46.5 million supporters.

What to Expect During Semi Formal Szn

In between the time of the turkey and the weeks of Michael Bublé and Mariah Carey Christmas carols, Georgetown celebrates another special season: Semi Formal Szn. Around this time, the Facebook notifications roll in, the online shopping begins, and the number of people getting hospitalized skyrockets.

With these many options of which formal to crash, our wallets are begging us to be selective. So, I’ll make it easy for you and summarize what to expect at each event:

Any Frat/Sorority

If you’ve never been to any of the Greek life semi formals, just pull up any video on Barstool’s Instagram page and you’ll get the picture. Girls will be taking photos everywhere, begging their dates to “take one with flash, one without and one with portrait mode.” The guys, of course, will be screaming jibberish at each other, lightly punching each other until it eventually turns into a spectacle of a public fistfight. Nonetheless, a good time!

GUES

Mini hot dogs and Red Bulls are not a great combination for the stomach. If you really pay attention, you can hear the attendees, 99 percent of whom are not even in GUES, complaining about the lack of food and eventually taking the late night trek to Epi (the pesto grilled cheese is underrated, by the way, so be sure to try that). Each semester, at least one person has needed to be ~escorted~ into an Uber back to campus, and you can bet that this year will be no different.

The Hoya

This will probably be the most sophisticated-trashy formal you’ll ever attend. Hoya members will gladly debate politics, compare their high school subject test scores and argue about which section of The Hoya is ‘better’ (s/o to “tHe BlOg DoEsN’t EvEn CoUnT!”). Basically, it’s the typical GPB basement party, but much classier (and less crowded)!

Couples at Leo’s

I still don’t know who runs the Couples at Leo’s Instagram account, but if you’re reading this, I love you (and thank you for following @picsofjennaeating #shamelessselfpromo). No one at this formal will bring (or have) a significant other, but that won’t stop them from ~classily~ sharing a beverage together at Hawthorne. The lucky stars who have been featured on @CouplesAtLeos will receive their deserved clout and moments of fame, as overexcited freshmen will scream, “You’re the one who played footsies!” or “Aren’t you the one who ate alone?”

The Corp

I don’t know why on earth people would pay $100 for a formal, but they better be willing to get their money’s worth out of a night at the Andrew M. Mellon Auditorium. Freshman girls will finally be able to rewear their prom dresses, only to realize how uncomfortable they truly were. It might be tough to convince your non-Corp friends as to why they should pay $100 for a ticket to one formal when they could just go to the three formals listed above for the same price, but you can at least send your family some wholesome and classy photos before you spend most of the night waiting in line for the fancy bathroom.

Formal szn can be overwhelming, but you should at least try to go to one for the experience. And if you go to all of them…how do you have the money, energy and liver for that?

Have fun, Hoyas.

 

Gif/Photo Sources: giphy.com, flashbak.com

10 Things Hoyas Should Be Thankful For

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, HOYAS!

Can you believe it? Midterms are (finally) over and Christmas is literally WEEKS away!

Before I get too far ahead and offend all those people who “love” Thanksgiving, let’s jump right into what this article is actually about. Today, I’ve decided to give you the 10 things you should be most thankful for as a Hoya — and yes, I know it can be pretty difficult to figure it out sometimes. Here they are:

  1. That one time a semester when you think a rat is about to jump out of the bush and it turns out to be a bunny                                                        
  2. All your tuition money is being spent on a “green space” that will not be finished until after we all graduate.
  3. The elevator in Regents that is ALWAYS there for those of us who have given up on taking the stairs up to Leavey
  4. When the workers at Einstein’s learn your name — it’s a great feeling, speaking from personal experience here.       
  5. Pasta week at Launch — it’s 100 percent the best week, don’t try to deny it.      
  6. When Jack’s Crew lets you get less than 3 feet away from Jack to take a picture
  7. The Georgetown meme page
  8. The smell on the second floor of the ICC is almost completely gone.
  9. Well, you go to Georgetown. I know this is kind of soft, but it’s true.
  10. MAC MCCLUNG…have you seen him dunk??

Animated GIF

Have a happy Thanksgiving, Hoyas. See you soon!

Gif/photo sources: giphy.com, countryliving.com

Tips for Staying Warm This Winter

It’s officially winter, my fellow Hoyas*.  You know what that means: finals, Christmas and, of course, being freezing at all times.  Here are some tips and tricks from your friends at 4E to help you stay warm over the next few months:

*Yes, I know winter doesn’t officially start until December something, but when it starts getting dark outside before I’ve eaten lunch, I consider it winter and so should you. 

1. Invest in a Nice Jacket

I mean nice but not too nice. If you purchase either a Canada Goose or a Barbour, I can guarantee it will mysteriously “go missing” from a chair in the corner of some Henle party within a month — s/o to GUPD Chief of Police Jay Gruber.

2. Stop Drinking Iced Coffee.

It’s disgusting even when it’s actually hot outside. There is absolutely no reason to order iced coffee while wearing a scarf. Ice doesn’t belong in coffee. Just order it hot and stop being so weird.

3. Eat a Hot Chick From Wisey’s

Haha, get it? Because it’s “Hot.” Also, your stomach will hurt so badly afterward that you’ll forget all about how cold you feel!

4. Run (From the Rats on Campus)

There are So. Many. Rats. On. This. Campus. You’ll be plenty warm in no time once you start sprinting away from the ones that have started nesting directly outside your apartment!

5. Get a Significant Other

Cuffing Szn, amirite #ladies?  70 percent of Hoyas date other Hoyas!*

*and end things the minute it finally gets warm enough to darty again.

6. Ghost Everyone in Your Life Who Lives in Burleith.

In these frigid temperatures, it’s just not worth the walk. Sacrifices must be made.

7. Take a Bird Scooter Everywhere

The less time you have to spend outside, the better. To get where you’re going faster, Bird everywhere. Bird to class. Bird to Leo’s. Bird to Lau. Bird in Lau. The relatively high risk of accidentally “running into someone” or “getting run over by a car” is definitely worth cutting three minutes out of your commute.

P.S. If you Lime, Skip or — God forbid — Lyft anywhere on this campus, I hope you get stuck behind a slow walker on a narrow path.

8. Stop Going to Class.

You can’t get cold if you don’t go outside. Literally stop leaving your dorm/apartment/house for any reason. The semester is basically over anyway; you’ll be fine.

9. Start Smoking Cigarettes.

In light of the recent, shocking revelation that Juuls are bad for your health, try the fun alternative that looks cool, tastes great and, most importantly, keeps your fingers warm!*

*This is sarcasm. There are already way too many people contributing to the cloud of carcinogens I have to walk through before entering Lau each day. Please do not become one of them.

10. Stress-Cry.

Nothing warms your face faster than a steady stream of stress-induced tears. Finals season is right around the corner to help you out with this one.

Stay warm, Hoyas!

 

Sources: giphy.com, pinterest.com

Frequently Asked Questions: Thanksgiving Edition

Hoyas, Thanksgiving is right around the corner. Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, apple pie: A literal cornucopia of sweet and savory delights awaits you at your family dining table.

(Unless you’re staying here, in which case, Happy Friendsgiving!)

In spite of that thicc feast being prepared at home, one thing poses a threat to the sanctity of Thanksgiving: your family.

Yes, those people whom you may love the most, who have the ability to ruin your short holiday with the annual awkward interrogations about your life away from home.

And so, 4E has prepared this guide to help you navigate those cringeworthy FAQs around the dinner table.

What do you think of Donald Trump?

Oh, damn. Uncle Bob starting off strong.

Politics is bound to come up during the fall feast, and depending on your views, this question could be a real curveball.

No fear, though, because our professionally designed answer is to laugh awkwardly while walking away and saying, “Man, I don’t know.” Make sure to trail off on “know” to feign some “youthful ignorance” to avoid confrontation. Move quickly before your family starts debating immigration over the mashed potatoes.

Do you still go to church?

This one’s for all my people raised with organized religion (looking at you, Catholics) and is the logically awkward follow-up to a political question.

As your aunt plays with her golden cross necklace, you may feel anxiety in answering her inquiry, because, honestly, you don’t. For all those Christian expats out there, you couldn’t even recite the “Our Father” anymore if she asked. TBH, you always just kinda mumbled through that part.

So, to avoid that disappointing revelation to her, just lie and say “yes“.

And, like before, walk promptly away.

What’s your major?  What are your plans after college?

If these two come in sequence, you better be ready, because this one’s the mother of all one-two punches.

We’re actually going to start with the second question, because it’s the easier of the two. Let’s be honest; there are only two acceptable answers: doctor or lawyer. So, no matter what your major is, if you want to avoid a long line of questioning that ultimately leaves you pissed at your stupid cousin you only ever see once a year, just say doctor or lawyer.

By that logic, admit your major honestly and depending on whether it’s a humanity or a science, choose doctor or lawyer accordingly.

And if you do actually want to be a doctor or lawyer, lucky you.

Do you have a [girlfriend/boyfriend/partner]?

Nope. That’s always the answer, because whenever someone asks, you don’t.

Can you help with the dishes?

Alas, the classic parental guilt trap.

Either your father knows you can’t refuse to do a simple favor, or he’s giving too much credit to your turkey-stuffed corpse.

The dilemma lies in that you could never say no and break his heart, but you sure as hell don’t want to say yes.

Therefore, proceed with the most elementary of “avoiding awkward interactions” maneuvers: Walk away like you didn’t hear anything.

And, finally…

When’s the next time we’ll see you?

You’re at the train station, bus stop, airport or whatever means of transportation is taking you back to Georgetown. You’ve had your fill of food and family. You’re ready to go back and be thrown straight into finals prep.

You’re satisfied and holding it together.

Then, your mother throws this one last rock at you.

You smile and reassure her that Christmas is right around the corner, but despite all the ~uncomfiness~ that sometimes comes with seeing your family, you both want it to be sooner.

So, this is the only question we don’t have an answer for, and all we can do is wish you luck in keeping back tears while you start to miss your mom and her cooking.

Let the feast begin!

Go, Hoyas, run! RUN! Go home (if you can) and celebrate Holy Turkey Day! Papers and midterms and projects and WORK have consumed your life for the past two months.

We’ve all earned an extended break.

So, enjoy some real food with the realest people, whether it be your friends or your family.

And, most of all, get some sleep, because we’re all about to lose plenty of it as soon as we come back! :)