9 Valentine’s Day Plans for Single People

It’s February. You’ve already broken your New Year’s resolutions, midterm season (aka the rest of the semester) is starting, and mother nature’s tease of 60 degree weather has ended. But most importantly, the most commercialized holiday of the year is coming up right around the corner: Valentine’s Day.

Of course, given that you’re reading the 4E blog, you’re probably a steady single just like me. But have no fear because I’ve got nine of the best Valentine’s Day plans for all you lonely, miserable, desperate solo people:

1. Stalk all your exes on social media to see if they’re as alone as you- Nothing makes me feel as satisfied as knowing my exes are failing in the world of love just as much as I am. Warning: it’s possible that your ex is actually doing great and has super fun plans coming up. If this is the case, might I refer you to #3 on this list.

2. Go to Lau 2 around 9 p.m. for The Annual Unofficial Singles Meet Up- Clearly whoever is on Lau 2 at 9 p.m. on V-day is not in a relationship. It’s the perfect opportunity to see who’s on the market. Will you slip a note to the cubicle next to you? Will you escort a lucky Hoya to late night Leo’s? Will you treat that cute guy or girl across the room to free printing? Don’t miss this chance to find cold, hard love in the most romantic place on campus!

3a. Listen to the “Sad Songs” playlist on Spotify- featuring songs with titles like “Secretly Hope You Catch Me Looking,” “You’re Gonna Break My Heart Tonight,” and “I’ll Never Love Again.” It’s actually pretty good. I’m listening to it as I write this article so I can really get in touch with my singleness.

https://open.spotify.com/user/spotify/playlist/37i9dQZF1DX7qK8ma5wgG1?si=_BHo_7TzRcaW_QCyG0z8HQ

Did You Know: Avril Lavigne is still alive and still making music.

3b. Listen to “Ridin’ Solo” by Jason Derulo on repeat for the whole day- Or maybe your whole life? I’m advocating for a Jason Derulo comeback.

https://open.spotify.com/track/6BaxqcoEM9r3LXisTyJjST?si=gSOSyA7zSsu_pfcAdDyquQ

4. Just have a nice, normal Thursday- Ignore my overdramatic suggestions and carry on because you accept or even enjoy(?!) your single status, which is very healthy and I applaud you.

5. Sit on John Carroll’s lap- Unlike your past significant others, he can’t run away from you. Don’t waste your time on real people with real emotions and complicated lives. Snuggle up and show our founder some love. Bronze > human flesh.

6. Make out with an Epi quesadilla- Everyone is sick right now, and germs are gross. But a quesadilla won’t spread illnesses! Unless you’re lactose intolerant, in which case I know you’re still gonna eat it. The only warm, gooey substance we need on this day is that melted, greasy cheese. Protect your immune system. Go to Epi.

7. Study for your midterms- Did all your professors schedule their midterms for this week? Mine sure did. It’s almost like they knew that there was no chance I’d have plans anyway. But fortunately, this also gives you a perfect excuse: when all your happy friends in relationships ask you why you don’t have any exciting plans on Thursday, you can just say it’s because you have to study! Thanks, professors!

8. Swipe vigorously on Tinder until your fingers become numb and then go watch one of those super predictable Netflix originals that each went viral for like two weeks– i.e. The Kissing Booth, To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before, and is it too late to still suggest A Christmas Prince? Or, might I recommend the Big Mouth Valentine’s Day special episode. 10/10.

^^^Team Peter Kavinksy or Team Andrew Glouberman?? If you don’t understand this, go to Netflix and get with it.

9. Treat yo’ self- Go buy yourself flowers. Go get yourself a gift. Go make a whole box of microwaveable mac and cheese and those little Pillsbury picture sugar cookies and don’t leave any leftovers. This holiday is about love, and I don’t know about you, but the person I love most in this world (besides my mom) is myself.

But still, if anyone (@my crush, please notice me) wants to take me on a V-day date, I’d obviously never turn down free food and affection.

I wish you all the best of luck this Valentine’s Day, and if you happen to be reading this article even though you are in a relationship, let me just ask you now to please limit your PDA to nothing more than mildly intense eye contact. Thank you.

Anyway, don’t forget to celebrate the superior February holiday on the 15th that is “Half-Priced Unsold V-Day Chocolate Day.” See you all at CVS! In the wise words of Kim K,

sources: giphy.com, spotify.com

Oh Baby, What Are You Wearing: 2019 Grammy Edition

Let’s be honest: no one watches the Grammys for the performances anymore. If Beyoncé and Rihanna aren’t performing, ratings are horrendous. Let’s not forget the multiple times musical masterpieces have been ROBBED of Grammys because the Academy doesn’t understand what good music sounds like. Hi, Beck! I will never forget that stolen Album of the Year award from 2015!

Anyways, we aren’t here to discuss the music at the world’s biggest music awards show. We are here to discuss the FASHION!!!

This year was a complete mess for fashion. Some people obviously did not get the memo that the viewers wanted looks, not flops.

Let’s begin with my queen, Lady Gaga. I would like to know who signed the release form allowing her to GO AWF like this! The HAIR! The EYES! The HEEL! Come through, mama. I give this look a solid 8.4 out of 10 simply because she is giving me FACE and some extraterrestrial realness with this look. SHE IS A STAR!

While Lady Gaga was serving looks, Jennifer Lopez was not. There I said it! This outfit is not it, ma’am. The hat is giving me low budget American Horror Story: Coven and the jewels on this dress look like they were glued on while she was in line at Party City. I give this a 3 out of 10. Also, why did J. Lo give the Motown tribute performance? Lets unpack THAT.

I would like to get into the LOOKS Chloe and Halle gave us. Hi Ikea furniture! Hi elegance! Hi avant-garde! The other girls could never. I know Beyoncé was involved in this because these dresses are exquisite. Look at the arms! Someone please help me; I have misplaced my wig. I give them a 7.8 out of 10.

Camila, sis, what is this? Can you please explain yourself? This dress is not cute! It looks very low-budget. Don’t get me wrong, this could have been EVERYTHING, if she had made some big changes. This dress is tired just like her album. Oops, that’s the real tea. I give this a 3.3 out of 10. Baby … this is a travesty.

I need y’all to really get into Kacey Musgraves. At first, I wasn’t feeling this dress, but after really taking it in, it’s cute. She looks like she’s ready to walk the runway or maybe even the forest with little nymphs and fairies. Look at the way it flows! This is giving me ethereal magic.. I give it a 7.4out of 10. Also, can we please discuss her red dress during the actual award show? That dress alone took me to church, fixed my life and folded my laundry. Thanks, girl!

Okay, unpopular opinion, but Ella Mai’s dress was not cute. Baby, what is this? It looks like she tied a Snuggie around her body and called it a day. Ma’am, please give me the name of your stylist because they need to be fired immediately. I give this a 3.2 out of 10. I was rooting for you, Ella, and you left me disappointed. This dress could not boo anyone up!

Okay, before I give the awards for the best and worst dressed of the night, I think it’s time for some honorable mentions!

LOOKS:


FLOPS: (baby, are you okay?)

Now, it’s time for the biggest awards of the night: best and worst dressed!

WORST DRESSED AWARD:

Leon Bridges.. where do I begin with you? This outfit is horrendous. The pants. The color. The shoes. The hat. I am simply at a loss for words. My mind doesn’t understand why you would put this on your body. Sir, this is not it and it never will be. I give this a 0.5/10 because I like the little patches on the pants and jacket, but that’s the only thing I like. This outfit needs to be shredded, destroyed and burned immediately. Food for thought: why don’t any men stunt on the red carpet?

BEST DRESSED AWARD:

Cardi B, baby, I’m going to need to have a chat with you. Please take a seat.

WHO SAID YOU WERE ALLOWED TO SCALP ME LIKE THIS, MA’AM? WHO ALLOWED YOU TO STUNT ON ME LIKE THIS? I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO YOUR STYLIST, YOUR MAKEUP ARTIST, YOUR HAIRDRESSER, YOUR JEWELER, YOUR GHOSTWRITER, YOUR MANAGER, YOUR MAMA, AND KULTURE BECAUSE THIS IS EVERYTHING! ABSOLUTELY SICKENING!

The power this has! Let this photo sink into your spirit. I didn’t know I needed this in my life. She looks so beautiful and elegant! I give this a 11 out of 10 because she is serving FACE, LOOKS and CLASS. No one else could have pulled this off. She looks like a flower blooming in the spring. Yes, Cardi! Thank you for blessing my eyes with this outfit.

Despite being a flop (like always), the Grammys were interesting this year. Some of the outfits really shook me in the worst way possible, while some people (Hi Cardi!) snatched everything I love and gave me life!

Let’s pray that next year Beyoncé, Ariana and Rihanna are present and save the music industry! Or maybe they host their own awards show? :)

Sources: giphy,com, eonline.com, popsugar.com, justjared.com

15 things more exciting than this year’s GUSA election cycle

As you probably don’t know, GUSA election season is upon us, and this year, for whatever reason, the campaigns are leaving a serious something to be desired. Even The Hoya Editorial Board thinks so, writing that they will not be endorsing any candidates as this year’s campaigns are particularly underwhelming. To entertain you in the meantime, here is a list of 15 things more exciting than this campaign season:

  1. Sazón’s knockoff Chipotle week

2. The thrill of avoiding rats on your walk home at night

3. The mold growing in my Vil B kitchen

4. Lau 2 on Sunday nights

5. When your late-night Epi milkshake is ready

6. This year’s Super Bowl

7. Waiting to see if librarians notice the table of kids juuling in Lau

8. The Abolish GUSA campaign

9. Spotting Jack the Bulldog around campus

10. When Leo’s actually has forks

11. When the egg beat Kylie

12. John Mulaney posting about his Georgetown days on Instagram

13. When your flex dollars are replenished at the start of the new semester

14. The rush you get when an MSBro in a suit Birding to a Citi coffee chat almost runs you over

15. Paint drying

Still, civic engagement is important! Go vote for one of the candidates, whoever they are.

Source: giphy.com, instagram.com/johnmulaney


Super Bowl LIII Recap

Another Super Bowl has come and gone, and Tom Brady now possesses six of the 20 Rings of Power.

Now, while the wound is still fresh, you may be lamenting another Patriots victory, celebrating the NFL’s most evil team or just following the Brady-Edelman power couple spending their Super Bowl honeymoon in Disney World. (https://twitter.com/i/moments/1092497269893533697)

But for the mournful, the nostalgic or the sports-averse, you may be wondering what happened? Because, for real, what actually happened during the four full hours that game lasted.

So, here’s your 4E recap (from a writer who is utterly ignorant and misinformed) of Super Bowl LIII.

1st Quarter

Touchdown Count: 0

Total Points: 0

To be completely honest, I missed the entire first quarter. It seems like the Rams and Pats did, too. Rumor has it, literally nothing happened. Not a single point — not just no touchdowns —but no actual points.

It was like watching an entire soccer game.

2nd Quarter

Touchdown Count: 0

Total Points: 3 (Pats)

Again, I missed the first five minutes of the quarter, which, unfortunately, is when stuff happened. I’ve been told that a ball (presumably one made of or used by feet) was kicked into a large yellow goal, awarding three (3) points to the Patriots.

The next 15 minutes were similar to the entirety of the first quarter, so no need to comment there.

What’s worth mentioning is that the commercial game was on point this year.

We had a wonderfully diverse mix this year ranging from the humorous:

To the hype:

The dark:

And the terrifying:

Also, shout out to WaPo for shouting out the journalists of the world. Extremely shocked The Hoya did not make an appearance.

Halftime

Oh God. Oh dear God.

I think this halftime show violated poetic theory, censorship laws and human rights. We denounce body-shaming in all its forms, but … wow, just wow. Nothing I can write can live up to this hottest take:
h

There was no THEME. No COHERENCY. All Adam Levine did was bring us back circa 2012 and tease “Sweet Victory” while shoehorning in a bunch of rappers.

Let’s not even mention Mr. Levine’s abjectly disrespectful display of what he thought was dancing.

3rd Quarter

Touchdown Count: 0

Total Points: 6 (Pats 3 – Rams 3)

Rams finally get on the board with a field goal. That sums up the action of the third quarter. So, back to the commercials.

T-Mobile came out swinging with five different spots Sunday night, which you can view here:

While I would go through and dissect each one, I’ll just address the biggest takeaway: The fairly irrelevant phone service company is promising a lot because, according to these ads, by just simply switching over, one can get free tacos and a free Lyft ride on Tuesdays. Bold move, T-Mobile, bold move. Maybe you’ll get four new customers to supplement your existing five.

4th Quarter

Touchdown Count: 1

Total Points: 16 (13 Pats – 3 Rams) -FINAL

One. One touchdown. In a game where the objective and the main mode of scoring is moving the ball down the field into the end zone resulting in a touchdown, there seems to have been a noticeable dearth of them.

And this ONE touchdown wasn’t even exciting. It was just a regular touchdown.

No crazy plays. No insane twists. No creativity. It was football performed in pure theory.  The final plays of the game were essentially the tutorial levels of Madden.

There weren’t even any commercials to save the night.

After four hours, the game just … ended.

The American Pastime?

This was the lowest-scoring Super Bowl in the history of the event.

And while Pats fans are celebrating a well-earned victory (if you have selective memory of the game with the Saints and all the other stuff the Pats have been accused of), Brady’s sixth ring and the dominance of a football dynasty came at the expense of the fundamental purpose of televised sports: entertainment.

The playoffs were marked by some of the most exciting games we’ve ever seen, but the culmination of these nail-biting battles was decidedly lackluster. The “American” part of “American” football was missing Sunday night: the raw, unhindered (oftentimes grimy) sense of competition.

So while we wait for next year’s Super Bowl, with the hopes of seeing a team other than the New England Patriots…

Here’s to basketball!

Things to Shut Down Instead of the Government

Hello, fellow citizens. After 35 days and $11 billion down the drain, the U.S. government is finally back open for business. Since, like the government, I am finally back at my normal level of functionality (AKA doing the bare minimum), I’ve decided to compile a list of things that actually need to be shut down ASAP.

1. The Bitter Cold

When I decided to move to D.C., I imagined it would be like living in a temperate swamp. I’d much rather live like my childhood hero, Shrek, than get knocked over by 20 mph winds every day.

2. GUSA Campaign Szn

This is the only case in which I’d advocate for a permanent government shutdown… Thank you sooooooo much for the cookie but I don’t really believe that you’ll get rid of the mold or prevent food poisoning at Leo’s.

3. Lau PDA

Truly an assault on both education AND romance. 1) Please find somewhere more private – Lau 5 at 2 a.m. is just sad and the lighting is terrible, and 2) stop distracting people from their studies.

4. That Smell in the ICC

You thought it left over break. You thought it was just a one-time thing. 4E is sad to report that the smell has returned, and your intermediate Spanish class will never be the same.

5. The Patriots

I know nothing about football and for some reason whenever I talk about this people get extremely agitated. Don’t @ me: Some things are too good to be true.

6. The “Devil’s Advocate” in Your IR Class

It’s enough of a meme at this point that even the devil herself knows better than to use this clichéd line.

7. Valentine’s Day/Easter Ads

I’m just getting over my Elf-on-the-Shelf nightmares and now I can’t make a Wawa run without seeing “The Perfect Man” novelty chocolates and the stalest of candies, Peeps.

8. New Year’s Resolutions

It’s been a month. You can box up your Bullet Blender and cancel your 30-day gym membership trial. We’re *so* proud of you for sticking it out this long.

9. Tuition Increases

If I get one more shamelessly unapologetic email from Todd Olson…

10. Black Mold

Someone needs to inform President DeGioia that sending Facilities to paint over black mold simply does not help the situation. We’ve all read the exposés; let’s shut this down once and for all.

Who knows: maybe one day we’ll be able to keep the government open for more than three weeks at a time! Until then,

Sources: giphy.com, target.com, me.me

Awkward Zoom Conference Moments to Avoid this Winter

Happy New Year, Hoyas! Coming back to campus can be hard with a whole new season of classes, clubs and dodging rats, but sometimes the Old Gods of Georgetown feel that pain and grace us with the desperately needed ~snow day~.


That being said, all our joy can be taken away in one fell swoop with killjoy policy of “Instructional Continuity” and its chief agent: the Zoom Conference.

So, while we hope our snow days remain snow days, here are some awkward moments to avoid while using the bootleg version of Google Hangouts.

Sneezing obnoxiously

Folks, for the love of John J. DeGioia, mute your mics if you ain’t talking.

One of the most criminal occurrences while discussing the minutia of literary criticism is getting a front-row seat to an ear-piercing jet stream of mucus. While the winter season can bring us some childlike fun and top-tier snow selfies, everybody gets sick at some point.

Even so, no one wants to see how sick you are.

Eating aggressively front and center

Everyone knows that snow doesn’t just stop classes. It disrupts the whole infrastructure of the well-oiled machine that is Georgetown University. Leo’s can potentially be inaccessible (blessing in disguise??), which means scrounging for whatever leftovers or unhealthy snack foods you have stocked.

Hunger, sickness, cold and laziness all work together to make any meal you have just so gross. Don’t get caught munching on the oddly shaped apple or unnecessarily wet Epi quesadilla.

#BlockDatCam #MuteDatMic

Recording uncomfortable yelling in a public place

Why anyone would want to “Educational Facetime” their History professor in the chaotic throes of HFSC is a mystery to all of us. Overhearing “weekend plans at Vil A” while discussing the Khmer Rouge is definitely one of the most uncomfortable experiences known to man.

Find a quiet place to conduct this most awkward of educational tools and don’t submit your classmates to hearing things they could die, live and die again without ever hearing.

Unexpected roommate entrances

They say that communication is the most important part of any relationship, especially when living with someone.

So, when everyone ends up trapped in the same building for 12+ hours, it’s pretty important to communicate if you have some necessary and graded online conference you need some space for.

If not, one could, let’s say, capture their roommate yelling some obscenity from some song they’re just really into right now. OR, catching them right after they come back from a good ol’ shower.

Both are pretty bad. Trust us.

Having your professor call on you only to realize you joined the call and immediately turned off your camera and mic and left

No one wants to be there. Not even your professor. Literally, everyone involved would rather be doing anything else.

But desperate times call for desperate measures, and, sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do. So, don’t get caught ditching, not only by the person who controls your grades, but by all the equally tired and lazy people who are choosing to tough it out.

They will have their revenge.

Not knowing when to talk

Since the birth of modern education, classroom participation has revolved around the “raising of the hand.” But when that fundamental function is robbed from you, how are you supposed to do that thing that counts from 25 to 35 percent of your final grade???

Some have taken to awkwardly jumping in, squeaking out a weird noise, coughing, or just screaming to claim their place.

There’s no solution to this one. Sometimes, you just gotta fight for what’s yours.

Just looking real gross in your dorm

It’s been three days. You stayed up until 4 a.m. for the last four days. You begged for a snow day and got one, but the universe spat on this blessing and gave you a 9 a.m. Zoom Conference for Intensive Spanish.

Not only do you look like Todd Olson after a noise complaint from the Georgetown neighborhood, but you’ve also lost all ability to speak your already rudimentary Spanish, much less the English you though you knew.

You literally haven’t showered in days and your last meal was a milkshake from Epi five hours ago when you went to bed.

Take care of yourselves.

Oof…

The semester has only just started, and it looks like this winter’s gonna be a long one.

So, while you should try your best to avoid these terribly awkward moments, you should do better and just take care of yourself.

In the end, we’re all just trying to make it to Georgetown Day.

Things We’re Leaving in 2018

This past year was rough, but that doesn’t necessarily mean 2019 will also be terrible. To help make the future a little bit brighter, here’s a list of things we’re leaving in 2018.

  1. Changing Your Name on Facebook to Something Other Than Your Actual Name

Mark Zuckerberg, Jeff Bezos, and the guy who hacked the 2016 election already have access to every phrase you’ve ever googled, every text you’ve ever sent and every meme you’ve ever even thought about sharing. Changing your last name to your middle name on Facebook so that potential employers won’t see pictures of you holding a beer is not going to work.

2. Telling People “You Look Tired Today”

Thanks, but that’s actually just my face! In this, the Year of Our Lord 2019, there’s really no need to voice your thoughts on this to anyone!

3. Tweeting

Just because the “president” is doing it doesn’t mean you should too. Twitter is never going to give you that sense of validation you crave. It’s just giving you a migraine and probably carpal tunnel. Also, follow @thehoya.

4. Playing “Fight Song” by Rachel Platten

Sometimes it starts playing while I’m browsing the aisles in CVS and I involuntarily flash back to the 2016 election cycle and I become very upset. Please do not play this song in any context at any time in 2019 or beyond. Looking at you @EveryPotential2020Candidate

5.  Drinking La Croix

It is so gross. Please stop offering it to me at parties. I don’t want it and I never will. In 2019, we’re sticking with nature’s zero-calorie alternative: Diet Coke.

6. Acting Like Timothée Chalamet Is the Sexiest Man Alive

Yes, he is cute and a good actor but, come on, what are we doing here? In 2019, please redirect all your energy towards John Krasinski, Michael B. Jordan and/or Jeff Goldblum.

7.  Being Apathetic

Vote. Seriously. We’re not doing this whole thing again. Also, attend Georgetown basketball games. These are equally important priorities. 

8. Juuling

It’s gotten way too popular at least half of you need to stop if the FDA is going to put the good flavors back in stores. 

9. Posting Unflattering Pictures of Your Friends on Instagram Because You Look Good

There is a special place in hell for people who do this. I don’t want to see any more of it in 2019. Crop it, put a heavy Lo-Fi filter on it, or don’t post it at all.

10. Drinking Iced Coffee

Please don’t let this follow us into the 2020s. I’m shivering just thinking about it.

Sources: giphy.com

New Year’s Resolutions You Already Broke

happy new year smiling GIF

Happy New Year, Hoyas! It’s been officially 2019 for almost a month now, which means that you’ve either kept all your New Year’s resolutions so far (woohoo), or (like the rest of us) given up on them so long ago that you forgot they even existed.

With the end of January fast approaching, 4E invites you to take some time to reflect and mourn your most well-intentioned New Year’s resolutions so you can peacefully move ahead with your lazy, debauchery-filled Hoya lifestyle.

fail neil patrick harris GIF by bubly

1. Eating healthy

Salad. Kale. Vegetables. Fruit. Low-carb frozen dinners. Zero-calorie drinks only, and definitely no more Oreo cookies.

I’m just going to say, though, that sometimes, salad just does not cut it. I need chicken nuggets in my life. I need mac n’ cheese. If kale tasted like Rice Krispie treats, we wouldn’t have an issue. But kale tastes like dirt (don’t deny it). And sometimes I just need waffle fries and a strawberry milkshake to keep me going. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way it is. I don’t make the rules.

stressed dear white people GIF

2. Actually doing your homework assignments on time

the flash homework GIF by The Paley Center for Media

Endless reading assignments. Endless cycle of essays and tests. You swore this year you were going to stay on schedule. Maybe even get ahead! But hey, your professor did say he was easy about granting extensions. I mean, he’s basically asking you to turn in your paper a week later than it was due. It’s fine. You can do it tomorrow. Watching The Bachelor is way more important anyway.

procrastinate the amanda show GIF by NickSplat

3. Going to Yates

You told yourself you were going to get up early every single morning and go to Yates. Told yourself you’d run three miles, do some squats, some sit-ups and even some push-ups if you’re feeling ambitious. Then, eat a healthy oatmeal and mango smoothie breakfast, shower and be ready for the day all before your 8 a.m. class. Maybe it’s finally time to recognize the importance of exercise this year. And by that spring break trip to Punta Cana, maybe you’ll finally have that beach bod you’ve always dreamed of.

exercise thank you next GIF by Ariana Grande

But then again, exercise is totally overrated. Waking up before 8 a.m. and walking all the way to Yates even once is a pretty impressive accomplishment. Plus, if you stay in bed, you can dream about pancakes and bacon and french toast. You can start working out next year.

gym fail GIF by Robert E Blackmon

4. Dressing nicely for class

Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like a totally amped-up wardrobe. New sweaters, new shoes, etc. Fashion is your game this year. This semester, you’re going to look put-together and stunning every day. It’ll be impossible for your super hot TA not to notice you this semester.

fashion hair flip GIF

But … sweatpants are really comfortable. And so warm. Plus, you can sleep in them and not even have to change for class the next day. Pretty hard to pass up.

amy poehler deal with it GIF

5. Getting more involved

Join more clubs! Get more involved! Try new things! Make more friends! Some resolutions are worth keeping. (At least until rejection szn!)

Your New Year’s resolutions may not have lasted too long, but just remember, Hoyas, it’s never too late to try new things, pick up good habits, or achieve your goals. Stay positive and make 2019 your best year yet!

The Egg That Beat Kylie: What Your Egg Opinions Say About You

With over 46 million likes, an HD photograph of a whole egg has ousted Queen Kylie Jenner from her title of having the most-liked Instagram post.

While this is a glorious moment that should be celebrated (because who doesn’t love eggs?), I nonetheless believe that this source of protein is getting a little too cocky. Who on earth thought it was a good idea to create egg merchandise?

Nonetheless, we at 4E must pay a tribute to this godly account by devoting this article to the egg in all its glorious forms. Keep reading to see what your egg preference says about you. @world_record_egg, this one’s for you.

Scrambled:

Running to your 300-person Macro lecture, you can probably be spotted from afar, wearing flip flops in the middle of January and annoying everyone with your absurdly tangled earbuds. You may be seen Naruto-running across Copley Lawn, somehow trying to get from Reiss to Car Barn within ten minutes, and you’re probably that person who impulsively made four out of five of their classes all in one day. Good luck :/

Poached

Because this egg is tough to cook, you’re probably high maintenance. You probably analyze your Tinder options for 5 minutes each (must fulfill height, face, personality and muscle requirements), unlike your friends who recklessly swipe right on any and every one. In other words, you’re dating Mac McClung or no one. When you’re still on the waitlist, you probably will be surprised that, no, the professor “will not make an exception for you” and you “simply must let MyAccess do the work.”

Fried

Just like the “perfect” runny yolk, you need a happy medium in order to be likeable. In other words, you are that person who is completely different when sober vs. when drunk. During the school week, you are probably an academic weapon, managing your time perfectly and acing your classes with ease. But 4 Red Bull vodkas in, you’re on the floor, puking, cursing, yelling at GERMS, crying, screaming and sleeping.

Omelette

Eh, you’re a little bland, but we all need some normalcy in our lives. People applaud you for buying your textbooks way in advance and knowing your major the first week of your freshman year. You play it safe by eating the ready-to-go grilled cheeses at bottom Leo’s (shoutout to Sazón for giving me food poisoning this week), and you probably attend those Donuts With Deans events every Thursday.

Hard-Boiled

You’re a tough one: probably that big athlete with the navy blue D1 winter coat that I am afraid of at Leo’s. And if you’re not an athlete, you’re probably that stubborn freshman who cannot believe he got a B+ on that first philosophy paper that totally deserved an A! While you think people probably think you’re ~cool~, whether you’re benching at Yates or playing Devil’s advocate in the SFS, the reality is: not that many people like you.

We at 4E love our eggs and congratulate this viral egg along with its 46.5 million supporters.

What to Expect During Semi Formal Szn

In between the time of the turkey and the weeks of Michael Bublé and Mariah Carey Christmas carols, Georgetown celebrates another special season: Semi Formal Szn. Around this time, the Facebook notifications roll in, the online shopping begins, and the number of people getting hospitalized skyrockets.

With these many options of which formal to crash, our wallets are begging us to be selective. So, I’ll make it easy for you and summarize what to expect at each event:

Any Frat/Sorority

If you’ve never been to any of the Greek life semi formals, just pull up any video on Barstool’s Instagram page and you’ll get the picture. Girls will be taking photos everywhere, begging their dates to “take one with flash, one without and one with portrait mode.” The guys, of course, will be screaming jibberish at each other, lightly punching each other until it eventually turns into a spectacle of a public fistfight. Nonetheless, a good time!

GUES

Mini hot dogs and Red Bulls are not a great combination for the stomach. If you really pay attention, you can hear the attendees, 99 percent of whom are not even in GUES, complaining about the lack of food and eventually taking the late night trek to Epi (the pesto grilled cheese is underrated, by the way, so be sure to try that). Each semester, at least one person has needed to be ~escorted~ into an Uber back to campus, and you can bet that this year will be no different.

The Hoya

This will probably be the most sophisticated-trashy formal you’ll ever attend. Hoya members will gladly debate politics, compare their high school subject test scores and argue about which section of The Hoya is ‘better’ (s/o to “tHe BlOg DoEsN’t EvEn CoUnT!”). Basically, it’s the typical GPB basement party, but much classier (and less crowded)!

Couples at Leo’s

I still don’t know who runs the Couples at Leo’s Instagram account, but if you’re reading this, I love you (and thank you for following @picsofjennaeating #shamelessselfpromo). No one at this formal will bring (or have) a significant other, but that won’t stop them from ~classily~ sharing a beverage together at Hawthorne. The lucky stars who have been featured on @CouplesAtLeos will receive their deserved clout and moments of fame, as overexcited freshmen will scream, “You’re the one who played footsies!” or “Aren’t you the one who ate alone?”

The Corp

I don’t know why on earth people would pay $100 for a formal, but they better be willing to get their money’s worth out of a night at the Andrew M. Mellon Auditorium. Freshman girls will finally be able to rewear their prom dresses, only to realize how uncomfortable they truly were. It might be tough to convince your non-Corp friends as to why they should pay $100 for a ticket to one formal when they could just go to the three formals listed above for the same price, but you can at least send your family some wholesome and classy photos before you spend most of the night waiting in line for the fancy bathroom.

Formal szn can be overwhelming, but you should at least try to go to one for the experience. And if you go to all of them…how do you have the money, energy and liver for that?

Have fun, Hoyas.

 

Gif/Photo Sources: giphy.com, flashbak.com