The big V-Day is approaching, and you’ve already got some strikes against you: maybe you haven’t seen the inside of Yates since your flu shot. Maybe your idea of flirting is asking her to watch your stuff at Lau. Maybe midterms are making your face experience levels of acne activity unheard of since middle school. Maybe the closest you’ve come to a DFMO is someone shoving you as you try to buy yourself a VodCran at Rhino.
Hopeless Hoyas, rejoice! No matter how pathetic February has had you feeling, hold on to one simple truth: You’re So Much Cooler Online. In this day and age of excessive social networking, there truly is a dating website for everyone, and with a touch of shameless lying and a fair amount of Photoshop, you too can land yourself a date in time for Thursday. Without further ado, our favorite dating websites of 2013:
Sea Captain Date Find Your First Mate
Looking for someone who will stand by you through the rough waters of life? Hoping for love as deep as the sea? Got a thing for old men with scruffy white beards? Connect with fellow captains (still unsure how liberally this label is applied) for smooth sailing this Valentine’s Day!
Darwin Dating Online Dating Minus Ugly People
If you consistently rank yourself between 9.5 and 10 and for some strange reason are still looking for a date ONLINE (hint hint: you might be wrong), this is the place for you. Darwin Dating uses their own dubious definition of natural selection to ensure all you beautiful specimens are separated from the “ugly, unattractive, desperate fatsos.” (ouch)
The Ugly Bug Ball Dating for the Aesthetically Average
In marked contrast to Darwin Dating, this website is for the Hoyas with slightly more realistic outlook. Let’s face it, its February 12th, and you’ve eaten 6-plus boxes of Sweethearts that your roommate’s boyfriend sent her (oops). At this point, it’s about taking what you can get.
Singles With Food Allergies Share More Than a Meal
Celiac? Lactose intolerant? Allergic to nuts? Get away from those toxic friends that make fun of you for getting gluten-free bread at Leo’s and find a soul mate who can sympathize with the swelling and itching. Nothing says love like a shared autoimmune reaction to pollen.
Sober & Single Exactly What You Don’t Want to Be at Bandolero on Thursday
If this pretty much sums up how you are feeling econ lecture today, take solace in the fact that there is an entire (online) community here for you. So skip the Dixie run this week and start your search for a single who can carry on an interesting conversation sans-Burnetts.
Note of Caution: Beware the Manti Te’o Syndrome. As in, make sure your new love is a real human being before investing too much time/emotion/national publicity.