One of the best hidden gems about Georgetown is our school’s *hilarious* memes page which, of course, is for non-conforming Jesuit teens. With the school year coming to a close, the best way to wrap it up is to compile a list of the top 5 memes of the year.
The Over-Committing Hoya
Everyone knows the feeling of rushing to campus and getting pumped during the CAB fair to join a multitude of clubs. Fast forward to the next day, and your inbox is flooded with 30 new emails from all the clubs you impulsively signed up for. Let’s be honest though…this applies to a Hoya in almost anything they do.
2. The Midterm Scaries
The scariest thing is the realization that midterm season starts with the first exams and doesn’t end until finals. *goosebumps* It’s not a midterm season, it’s a midterm semester.
3. Procrastination Station
We all know the feeling when we have a surge of motivation to get work finished, trek up the hill to Lau, find the perfect table on Lau 2, silence our phones, and then get roped into looking at the latest memes on the Georgetown memes page. Then you check your phone and realize that have been sitting at a cubicle for 2 hours, and your 15-page theology essay is still untouched.
4. Cherry Blossom Season
Cherry blossom season is one of the best times for anyone in D.C. The weather is amazing, the birds are chirping, and the cherry blossoms are blossoming. That also means that your social media feed will be filled with cherry blossom pictures all throughout April. And ONLY cherry blossom pictures.
5. The Live Registration Dilemma
This semester was the first time Georgetown implemented live registration. Seniors were cheering, finally securing their classes. This means everyone else *cough freshmen* was left to wait their turn for the “leftover” classes. (RIP anyone trying to get the last 3 remaining history 099 courses after the first day). This meme literally embodies anyone trying to get into seminars, final classes for their majors, pre-requisites, and more.
6. Course Evaluations
*Hears 10 dings*
*8 messages from the Registrar’s office regarding pending course evaluations and 2 from professor’s saying they will designate some class time tomorrow to complete them.*
*Proceeds to get 2 messages a day until the end of finals season reminding you to do course evaluations.*
*Don’t forget TA evaluations too.*
All pictures were taken from the Georgetown memes page on Facebook.
Note: All names of students who posted these memes were hidden for privacy purposes.
As people recover from Georgetown Day and Foxfields, it’s now time to end the year with a BANG: Finals Season. Sophomores, Juniors, and Seniors– you know the drill. The more stressed you are, the more your fashion taste deteriorates along with it. Freshmen– here are some peculiar fashion trends you’ll prominently see in Lau during Finals Season.
Some people think it’s a good idea to walk around without shoes on, as they roam around Lau 2 with their dark white (or grey…) socks without a single care in the world. Maybe this is abnormal at first, but Hoyas are just trying to get as comfortable as possible for the all-nighter in Lau. Maybe a little too comfortable. And by this, I’m saying this: Please put your shoes on in Lau. Feet smell.
2. Airpods. Everywhere
Oh My GoD hE cAn’T hEaR yOu. He HaS aIrPoDs In! People are dying of stress, but this time, in ~luxury~.
3. Newspaper Pants
I only saw this once, but I was distracted from studying Research Methods and Statistics by a guy wearing sweatpants with a newspaper print design. It was a weird flex, but I kind of respect it.
4. Chinese Food Scented Clothing
Nothing fits Lau’s beautiful and classy aura better than students smuggling in containers of smelly Chinese food and leaving it open for everyone to smell. Now, Lau smells like academic stress AND Chicken Lo Mein.
5. Anyone who dresses remotely nice
The weirdest trend is people who dress cute to go to Lau. It’s 2AM Brittany– why are you wearing black skinny jeans and a tube top as if you’re sending L2? Lau is for suffering. Lau is for stress. Lau is not for looking pretty and aggravating people like me who wear a T-shirt and Crocs.
Next time you go to Lau to cram for your history paper, take a look around and see how many of these fashion trends you didn’t notice before. Happy Studying!
In the past ten days, I have witnessed two Resurrections.
With Easter came Jesse McCartney– back rocking a fresh bunny suit and some new kicks.
On April 12, 2019, though, my childhood rose from the dead as two-hit wonder pop icon of the early 2000’s JAY SEAN returned from obscurity for a brief, shining moment to bless the Hoyas and the greater DMV area.
What follows is my gospel–the Gospel of Jon.
Chapter I: The Memoriam
Plato says that the soul has lived thousands of lives before ever entering one’s body. The corollary to this belief is that the soul can remember things it once forgot through questioning.
My question: Who is Jay Sean?
My fellow pilgrims were shocked at this blasphemous inquiry a week before the concert. They were offended and disappointed. But also, merciful. And in that mercy, they started singing “Down,” the holiest of Jay Sean’s psalms.
And so I remembered, sitting in the back seat of my father’s car with the song on repeat on the radio. Gross, sweaty, brace-faced middle schoolers chanting along with the song’s questionable lyrics yet sick, sick beat. A massive billboard on a Philippine superhighway with my cousins asking me if I remembered “all the good times we had.”
Yes, Jay. Yes, I do remember.
Chapter II: The Preparation
We knew the night would be long.
We knew there would be no time to eat or drink before going to McDonough.
So we feasted. We gorged. We consumed the most delicious, delectable items from the Leo J. O’Donovan, S.J. Waterfront Restaurant’s Lower Level Banquet Hall. Homemade cornbread, French patate frites, Chicken Parmesan a la sandwich, fresh tossed salads, handmade ice cream, and the coolest Hi-C Lemonade that poured from its faucet like the nectar of the gods.
It was a shame that it was not Thor’s Day, where one can procure the tenderest of chicken. But, it was not a night for lamentation–only celebration.
I called my father afterwards and told him who I was watching that night. He laughed and started singing “Down.” Truly, a sign that it was to be the evening’s anthem.
Chapter III: The Pilgrimage
After a short rendezvous at Darnall where we prepared by listening to Jay Sean’s greatest hits and those of his finest collaborators (Pitbull, Lil Wayne, etc.) we ventured out on the long (legit, like 12 minutes) trek to McDonough. We saw other pilgrims on the same path, and as we reached the entrance of the parking garage, we received another blessing. After many hot, humid days, a gentle, yet firm, rain alighted upon our merry group, cooling us before the inevitably sweaty mess we were about to enter.
Arriving promptly at 8:45PM, we encountered a long line of pilgrims waiting to enter the holiest of holies. We waited patiently for our admittance, greeting friends new and old and imbuing ourselves with the energy of this place.
We got past the gates, a vendor called to us to purchase merchandise for a “Jesse McCartney.” Who this man was, I could not say. Yet, he seemed like a person who would be caught in his past as a teenage heartthrob, forgetting it had been 20 years and still awkwardly serenading a girl on stage.
But that’s just what I thought.
Anyway, the antechamber to the grander arena of McDonough was laden with free cookies and waters and energy drinks to sustain us for the remainder of the evening. Delighting in these simple pleasures, we reassembled as a group and entered.
Chapter IV: The Return
I had never been to a concert before I had never been to a concert I had never been
Strobe lights, like a hundred dawns, Flashed on the smiling faces of The pilgrims, like a hundred swans, Singing, to the heartbeat of the DJ.
Quick, quick, we dove into the night- Sky of the people, driving ourselves Into the body of the crowd, closer To the dais where the DJ stood and Commanded the energy of a giant room.
Minutes passed, maybe an hour, and then It was told to us a name: JAY SEAN, Whispered loudly like a mother in church To an upset son, bored of pretty things. But like the son, we first hushed, then, Like thunder, we roared.
And I remembered.
I generally get uncomfortable in crowds. But, it seemed like I was no longer in a crowd. I was the crowd and not the crowd because I was one thing: Jay Sean. My sole purpose was seeing this 38-year-old British pop icon sing his greatest hits, and he delivered.
He started off with “Bring It Back.” Then, he dropped some hits America has never heard and some new songs the world has never heard. Then, he sang some Punjabi songs, which, legitimately, was the coolest thing I had ever seen. Then, a pause, explaining why he left us for so long: why, Jay Sean, after defining a generation with his awesome music, left. The answer: corporations. I did not dwell on this fact, though. Now was a time to simply enjoy. And we did.
“Down” twice in a row. Magical. Giving the people what they want.
The most fun I’ve had at Georgetown, and to quote my friend, “On a scale of 1-10, I’m Jay Sean.”
Chapter V: The Aftermath
I left early with a friend because we kept getting pushed further and further away from our other friends we came with. Sometimes, it’s good to quit while your ahead.
Walking back, we shared how enjoyable it was and how it was probably the best $5 investment we had ever made. We both agreed that Jay Sean was a really random choice, but his obscurity for the last however-many years made it that much more special. The utter irony of our legitimate excitement for a man of whom we know because of two songs increased our enjoyment exponentially.
It was a blend of nostalgia and genuine interest that made the concert this year so entertaining.
I’m a changed person insofar as it’s the most honest, good time I’ve had in a hot minute.
I just hope that next year GPB can pull it off again.
Howdy, Hoyas! It’s that time of year where a whole new horde of Georgetown ~kiddos~ visit campus to play icebreakers and “make friends” they’ll probably never see again!
Yes, friends, it’s GAAP Weekend, and everyone’s gotta work together to lightly pressure these precious-fresh-peeps-to-be to choose the Hilltop as their home for the next four years.
So, it pays to be prepared, which is why 4E has compiled the most Frequently Asked Questions by prospective parents and students so that you, dear reader, can serve Todd Olson and the Georgetown community with dignity and excellence.
Where’s the bathroom?
The fastball of parental inquisitions: simple, but unexpected. Fortunately, we have a professional guide of locations and answers to expedite this awkward exchange.
If you’re around…
Healy: Walk through the middle front doors, turn left, then walk down to the first hall on the right
Lau: Go down one level, face the coffee shop and turn right
ICC: Lol, u don’t wanna go here
Regents: Anywhere near an elevator
Leavey: Facing the bookstore, go left as you enter from Regents
HFSC: Left by the stairs
How’s the food?
Deep breath. Deep breath. Exhale.
Now that your heart rate and the raging impulse to just GO OFF is under control, I want you to think on the bright side of things. While, of course, Leo’s can be underwhelming (especially when it’s a literal 10-minute walk away, @ Henle, Darnall), imagine all the wonderful things that come out from O’Donovan’s on the Waterfront.
Sazon Steak (and Kim Kim!), Chicken Shack, Oreo Ice Cream, Chef Battle(?), Guac, omelettes, Whisk, Choccy Milk, and, of course, ~Chicken Tender Thursdays~.
Not to mention the lovely, lovely photojournalism of @couplesatleos.
I guess you could also bring up Royal Jacket (if you’re an elitist), Einstein’s (if you live in Car Barn), or Epi (if you’re made of money).
But sticking to Leo’s is a solid answer, nonetheless.
Do you have to pay for laundry?
The answer is “yes,” and it’s cheap, and it always works and never shrinks your clothes.
What’s housing like?
Hmph. A toughie, and we all know it. So we’re creating answers based on where you live.
VCW/VCE: You get your own shower!
Vil A: You get a beautiful view
New South: You get a beautiful view
Vil B: Really nice! (All top floor dwellers base your answer on your experience in the hotel)
Copley: The building is ~so pretty~
Southwest Quad: Big.
Harbin: Bill Clinton lived here!
Henle/Darnall/LXR: No comment
What do you do on the weekends?
Tread lightly, brave Hoya.
Remember the wholesome days of going to the Waterfront or taking a day downtown to explore restaurants and museums. Say that and nothing else. If you haven’t already, repress that Tombs night and recollect some idyllic days.
Let’s get this party started!
April 5-6 and 12-13. Get hyped. Get excited. Get ready to show these brilliant babies what it means to be a Hoya. Do your best to convince them to join our lovely little family, flaws and all.
Get out there and do Bradley proud.
Show ‘em why we, in the words of John Mulaney, “pay $200,000 for a degree for a book we never read!”
The curse of the Georgetown academic calendar means that while all of our friends are currently posting pictures on their lavish spring breaks, we are back on campus trying to juggle papers, exams, and more. With all the buzz surrounding Georgetown lately and diving back into the spring semester, we all wish that we could be laying on the beach in the Bahamas, visiting Disney World, or partying on rooftops in the city. In an attempt to cope with the post-spring break blues, here are some ways to have fun around DC and escape campus stress.
National Cherry Blossom Festival
With all countless snow days that hit during *spring* semester, warmer weather is finally upon us. Stroll along tidal basin to enjoy a scenic view of cherry blossoms or visit the National Cherry Blossom Festival starting March 20, 2019 for some fun in the sun and a relaxing afternoon away from Georgetown.
2. Participate in Outdoor Recreational Activities
Capitol Riverfront hosts various entertaining events and outdoor activities all throughout the DC area from trivia nights, yoga, painting, boxing and more. More information can be found here
3. GPB Concert
Every year, GPB puts on a spring concert and this year, Jesse McCartney and Jay Sean are coming to perform *swoon*! Here’s to a throwback to our childhood and eagerly anticipating the classics like “Beautiful Soul” and “Down.”
4. Explore Various Landmarks in Georgetown
Going to school in the midst of a historic city has its advantages. There’s always the classic run to the monuments and visiting the White House. Some other cool places to check out are: Tudor Place, Ogle famous homes, JFK’s walking tour, Blues Alley, and more.
5. Paddle on the Potomac
The Key Bridge Boathouse is the place to go to rent equipment to paddle on the Potomac. Right in our backyard, it is an easy and cheap way to get off campus and enjoy the spring weather away from the city noise. They also offer fitness classes for anyone who wants to try something new.p
Well, folks, as the saying goes: close, but no Juul. G
Despite a valiant effort, our Georgetown Hoyas juuuuust missed the NCAA tournament this year. But it’s not all bad! Be sure to tune in to the NIT, which sources tell me stands for Not In the Tournament! For those unfamiliar with the world of college hoops, this is kind of like ending up at a Henle party after getting rejected by Piano. It’s certainly not the outcome you were hoping for, but it’s still better than sitting at home alone.
So as much as I <3 Patrick Ewing, it’s time to turn our attention to the real action. Without further ado, here is 4E’s guide to filling out your March Madness bracket:
Virginia is (Not) for Lovers (of Winning Basketball Games), Too
Loyal readers will remember that this writer totally called last year’s unprecedented and historic upset, accurately predicting that the 16-seed UMBC Retrievers would knock off the juggernaut top-seeded Virginia Cavaliers. Click here to see that this is actually true and one of my greatest life accomplishments to date. Yes, that prediction was “mostly” based on the fact that I liked UMBC’s adorable canine mascot, but we cannot rule out the possibility that my keen college basketball acumen played a role as well. And guess who Virginia is playing in the opening round this year? You guessed it: The Gardner-Webb Runnin’ Bulldogs. History tends to repeat itself, and this writer sees Virginia heading home early once again. Don’t bet against the dogs.
We’ve Heard Those Loyal Fellas Up at Yale (and Then We Decided Not to Pick Them to Win Any Games)
I have it on good authority that the Yale basketball team is solely comprised of kids with rich parents who claimed to be really good in high school but have actually never stepped foot on a basketball court. Looks like it won’t be a “Full House” in the arena during this game, am I right? (Get it? Look, I know it’s a stretch but I can’t afford to hire a proctor to help me punch up these jokes, so this will have to do)
Remember Your Jesuit Values
The Duke Blue Devils? The Arizona State Sun Devils? Not today, Satan! These squads are clearly trying to tempt you into straying from your Jesuit values. March Madness is no time for such sinful endeavors, my fellow men and women for others. (Editor’s Note: I literally cribbed this exact paragraph from my March Madness article last year, and guess what? Neither of these teams won! The facts don’t lie, my friends!)
Case in point: did you see what happened with Zion’s shoe earlier this year? I cannot definitively comment on whether or not the eternal war between the Almighty Lord and Beelzebub definitively played a role in that occurrence, but I can confidently say that Mac McClung’s shoes looked pretty sturdy to me all season. They won’t teach you this in PoG, kids.
Related: it is NOT COOL that Obama still lives in D.C. but never comes to our games anymore. And yet he goes all the way to North Carolina to see Duke play? All while leaving us stuck at home with Mike Pence??
Is this team from Tennessee? Cause they’re the only Ten I See!
The Tennessee Volunteers? That sounds pretty cura personalis to me. Great name. Much better than a team with orange jerseys just calling themselves something dumb like the Orange. Could you imagine? Man, that would be ridiculous. Tennessee is the only orange team I choose to recognize, and I think the Volunteers are winning it all this year.
So there you have it. Good luck on your brackets! And hopefully next year, we’ll be cheering on our Georgetown Hoyas in the big dance!
And by we, I mean you, because I will have graduated and it won’t really be the same for me watching at home as a washed-up post-grad! I’m not upset that the team didn’t make the tournament for a single one of the four years I was a student here though! Seriously, I don’t care and I’m fine! I mostly came to Georgetown for the football culture anyway! I love tailgating at Cooper Field! Hoya Saxa!
Sunday was the 91st Academy Awards and the first hostless show since since 1989. You probably already knew that because it is indeed midterm season and therefore the perfect time to deep-dive into someone else’s drama.
After opening with a performance by Queen and that guy who almost won American Idol Adam Lambert, the Academy brought out two of Hollywood’s best award show hosts: Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. They were joined by fellow all-star comedian Maya Rudolph and wasted no time reminding us that they, unfortunately, were not hosting.
Here are some highlights from Sunday’s festivities:
Melissa McCarthy and Brian Tyree Henry fully committed to announcing Best Costume Design by wearing looks inspired by some of this years films: The Favourite, Mary Queen of Scots, Mary Poppins, and, I think, Black Panther.
Samuel L. Jackson won the award for Best Biased Presenter.
This was him when Green Book won Best Original Screenplay:
And then this was him giving Spike Lee the Best Hug and the Oscar for Best Adapted Screenplay for BlacKkKlansman.
José Andrés, everyone’s favorite D.C. restaurateur, introduced the movie Roma.
Two of our favorite Hoyas graced the stage Sunday:
John Mulaney presented the awards for Best Short Films (Live Action and Animation) with Akwafina.
And Bradley Cooper performed a little-known song called “Shallow” with Lady Gaga. Now, if I learned anything from A Star is Born and the Oscars its that Jackson Bradley and Ally Lady Gaga are truly in love. Look at them. There was no acting Sunday night:
Here’s Bradley singing to Miss Gaga:
And here is Miss Gaga returning the favor:
Are we sure that this isn’t part of a follow-up film called “True Love Is Born: How Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga Found Love Making A Star is Born 2018?”
Rami Malek won Best Actor for his role as Freddie Mercury in Bohemian Rhapsody. Olivia Colman won Best Actress for her role as Queen Anne in The Favourite. Most people expected Glenn Close to take home the top prize for The Wife, including Olivia Colman. That made for an excellent speech by the shocked Olivia Colman.
If you haven’t watched the speech yet, I suggest you do, and then watch her speeches from the Golden Globes and The BAFTA Awards. Maybe people voted for her not just because of her wonderful performance as Queen Anne, but also so she could give another incredible acceptance speech.
Last, and definitely most shocking, win of the night was Green Book taking home Best Picture.
The film and its creators have been the subject of a few controversies, leading many to believe that the film was not going to take home the top prize.
Anyway, if you are disappointed about any of the results from Sunday night or are looking for something to get you through the last few days before spring break, may I suggest returning to the best performance of the year:
Whether you’re studying for midterms or going home for the long weekend, it’s important that on Monday, Feb. 18, we Hoyas honor and celebrate the iconic U.S. presidents. Republican or Democrat, conservative or liberal, let’s all refrain from the political debates for just one day and unite to discuss the top five presidents to bring to a Georgetown party.
As singer Jamie Foxx once said, “Obama is so cool, you forget he is president.” Well-spoken, charming, and overall just a really cool dude, Obama would probably be great on the aux. No matter how horrible, how smelly, how crowded, or how uncomfortable this on-campus party might be, there is no doubt that Obama would be our hype-man, showing off his cool moves and constantly pumping his fist into the air.
More importantly, he’d bring along his equally charming wife, Michelle, who would definitely help me with my spring break diet by replacing my greasy quesadilla with a handful of carrot sticks.
2. Abraham Lincoln
The only thing better than drunkenly walking to the Lincoln Memorial is meeting the man himself. Honest Abe can be found lingering in the bathroom of the party, truthfully telling random drunk girls that he’s never met before, “OHHH MY GOD! You’re SOOoooOoo PRETTY,” or “Shut up! You are the most beautiful person EVER! Oh my god I need to pee.” We all need some honest positivity in our lives.
3. John F. Kennedy
I obviously chose JFK, because you need some eye candy at the party. Sorry, Jackie!
4. Franklin D. Roosevelt
Shoutout to FDR for making alcohol legal again (@ the repeal of the Prohibition Act). We just have to respect him for that.
5. William Taft
If you didn’t already know, former President Taft got stuck in his own bathtub. I don’t know if this is just me, but I’m sure he’d relate to that kid from @georgetownhotmess who got stuck in his own VCW bathroom (This is a shoutout to you, whoever you are!). I’m more than confident that this past president would make the best out of our crumbling infrastructure, making the most out of every party.
We at 4E hope that you have a wonderful time doing whatever you please on this federal holiday.
In honor of President’s Day, we remember those who served our country most: the pets of our most esteemed presidents. They’ve brought us (and their owners, I guess) joy, and should be admired and remembered. Some wacky, some downright adorable, here’s a top 10 list of America’s best pets!
10. Rounding out our list at number ten, is Dick, Thomas Jefferson’s mockingbird. Yes, you read that right, our founding father had a mockingbird which he felt appropriate to name “Dick.” When Dick behaved badly, did Jefferson scold him by calling him Richard? We may never know, but one can only hope.
9. At Georgetown, we appreciate a symbol of diplomacy, especially when the symbol happens to be an adorable dog. Pushinka, offspring of Strelka, a Soviet dog who entered space on Korabl-Sputnik 2, was adopted by John F. Kennedy, a gift from Nikita Khrushchev himself. Cold War who? Pushinka doesn’t know her.
8. Half of 16 is eight, so it’s fitting that Abraham Lincoln’s cat, Dixie, is number eight on our list. Dixie, an icon, was, according to Lincoln, “smarter than [his] whole cabinet.” We have decided to stan an intellectual legend.
7. Fala, Franklin D. Roosevelt’s Scottish Terrier, made headlines when FDR forgot him on a trip to the Aleutian Islands. FDR, as any reasonable dog owner would do, sent a U.S. Navy Destroyer to retrieve him. (Taxpayer money may have been spent on this venture, but we’ll overlook it.) You can visit Fala in statue form at FDR’s memorial here in Washington, D.C!
6. Three words. Macaroni. The. Pony. John F. Kennedy’s daughter, Caroline, owned a pony during JFK’s time in the White House. Not only did Macaroni appear on the cover of Life Magazine, he also received thousands of fan letters!
5. John Quincy Adams owned an alligator. It lived in a bathtub.
4. As strange as pets in the White House can get, a raccoon originally meant for a Thanksgiving feast was pardoned by Calvin Coolidge during his presidency and kept as a pet. Rebecca Raccoon had her own tree house and was left to roam the White House halls freely.
3. Socks, Bill and Hillary Clinton’s cat, is a Georgetown legacy, so clearly he’s number three on this list. He was adopted by the Clintons as a stray and was in their family during their stay at the White House. Unfortunately, Socks and Buddy, the Clintons’ dog, did not get along, and after the Bill left the presidency, Socks went to live with his secretary, Betty Currie.
2. Sunny and Bo, America’s favorite power couple, take number two. The Obamas got Bo, a Portuguese water dog, in 2009, after great speculation of what dog would continue the much beloved White House pet tradition (looking at you, number 45). Sunny, Bo’s female counterpart, was adopted in 2013, and the pair has been unstoppable ever since!
1. Though this dog never lived in the White House, I’m sure we can safely say that Sully, George H.W. Bush’s service dog, is number one. Here at the 4E, our hearts collectively broke over Sully’s Instagram (@sullyhwbush) in tribute to his departed owner.
Sully is officially (meaning by this arbitrary list) the goodest boy and deserves nothing less than the best moving forward in his career as a service animal.
It’s February. You’ve already broken your New Year’s resolutions, midterm season (aka the rest of the semester) is starting, and mother nature’s tease of 60 degree weather has ended. But most importantly, the most commercialized holiday of the year is coming up right around the corner: Valentine’s Day.
Of course, given that you’re reading the 4E blog, you’re probably a steady single just like me. But have no fear because I’ve got nine of the best Valentine’s Day plans for all you lonely,miserable, desperate solo people:
1. Stalk all your exes on social media to see if they’re as alone as you- Nothing makes me feel as satisfied as knowing my exes are failing in the world of love just as much as I am. Warning: it’s possible that your ex is actually doing great and has super fun plans coming up. If this is the case, might I refer you to #3 on this list.
2. Go to Lau 2 around 9 p.m. for The Annual Unofficial Singles Meet Up- Clearly whoever is on Lau 2 at 9 p.m. on V-day is not in a relationship. It’s the perfect opportunity to see who’s on the market. Will you slip a note to the cubicle next to you? Will you escort a lucky Hoya to late night Leo’s? Will you treat that cute guy or girl across the room to free printing? Don’t miss this chance to find cold, hard love in the most romantic place on campus!
3a. Listen to the “Sad Songs” playlist on Spotify- featuring songs with titles like “Secretly Hope You Catch Me Looking,” “You’re Gonna Break My Heart Tonight,” and “I’ll Never Love Again.” It’s actually pretty good. I’m listening to it as I write this article so I can really get in touch with my singleness.
4. Just have a nice, normal Thursday- Ignore my overdramatic suggestions and carry on because you accept or even enjoy(?!) your single status, which is very healthy and I applaud you.
5. Sit on John Carroll’s lap- Unlike your past significant others, he can’t run away from you. Don’t waste your time on real people with real emotions and complicated lives. Snuggle up and show our founder some love. Bronze > human flesh.
6. Make out with an Epi quesadilla- Everyone is sick right now, and germs are gross. But a quesadilla won’t spread illnesses! Unless you’re lactose intolerant, in which case I know you’re still gonna eat it. The only warm, gooey substance we need on this day is that melted, greasy cheese. Protect your immune system. Go to Epi.
7. Study for your midterms- Did all your professors schedule their midterms for this week? Mine sure did. It’s almost like they knew that there was no chance I’d have plans anyway. But fortunately, this also gives you a perfect excuse: when all your happy friends in relationships ask you why you don’t have any exciting plans on Thursday, you can just say it’s because you have to study! Thanks, professors!
8. Swipe vigorously on Tinder until your fingers become numb and then go watch one of those super predictable Netflix originals that each went viral for like two weeks– i.e. The Kissing Booth, To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before, and is it too late to still suggest A Christmas Prince? Or, might I recommend the Big Mouth Valentine’s Day special episode. 10/10.
^^^Team Peter Kavinksy or Team Andrew Glouberman?? If you don’t understand this, go to Netflix and get with it.
9. Treat yo’ self- Go buy yourself flowers. Go get yourself a gift. Go make a whole box of microwaveable mac and cheese and those little Pillsbury picture sugar cookies and don’t leave any leftovers. This holiday is about love, and I don’t know about you, but the person I love most in this world (besides my mom) is myself.
But still, if anyone (@my crush, please notice me) wants to take me on a V-day date, I’d obviously never turn down free food and affection.
I wish you all the best of luck this Valentine’s Day, and if you happen to be reading this article even though you are in a relationship, let me just ask you now to please limit your PDA to nothing more than mildly intense eye contact. Thank you.
Anyway, don’t forget to celebrate the superior February holiday on the 15th that is “Half-Priced Unsold V-Day Chocolate Day.” See you all at CVS! In the wise words of Kim K,