Totally Absurd Christmas Gifts

absurdgifts

Tired of giving your friends and family members the standard, generic Christmas gifts: jewelry, gift cards, food, clothes? This year, get a little more creative with some totally absurd presents. You can be completely sure that your acquaintances won’t have – and probably have never heard of – any of these gifts. Here is 4E’s list of unique and novel gift ideas that even the most picky loved/tolerated person on your list will appreciate and use forever.

Facebook Finder

This nifty device will notify you whenever a Facebook friend is within 2 miles of you. Stalking your exes just got a lot easier. Instead of looking through their photos (and those of the girls/boys they’re tagged with) you can go find them and actually physically stalk them. Goodbye sanity, hello psychiatrist!

The Tie Tie-r

Tired of wasting precious time tying your tie every single morning (and some nights)? Buy that friend or family member this device with settings to make all the crucial knots – Eldredge, Tulip, Trinity – in about 10 minutes!

eldredge-knot-gold-300x300 tulip-knot2-300x300 trinity-knot-purple-300x300

Solar Powered Flashlight

How often are you outside in broad daylight wishing you had a powerful flashlight? Simply push the “on” button to harness the energy of the solar system’s most powerful star into a hand-held beam that shines with the same brightness as a blubber lamp. Must have access to direct sunlight to be effective.

Cargo Shorts Kit

Love cargo shorts, but hate the bulky pockets? This kit gives you the best of both worlds. The khaki slightly-below-the-knee-length shorts feature strips of Velcro on the side of each leg, allowing you to add the included fake pockets (piece of fabric resembling a pocket) in whatever design, ratio or even shape that you desire. Kit comes in a variety of colors and themes including camouflage, Hello Kitty and Disney princesses. The perfect gift for anyone on your list!

Remote Control for iPhone 6

Ever want to change the song or check social media but don’t feel like taking out your cell phone to do so? Use this remote control instead. Roughly the size of the ancient relic known as “the iPhone 4s,” this remote will fit conveniently in your other pocket and allow you to control your new iPhone 6 with just a few taps.

iPhone-6-vs-iPhone-5s-vs-iPhone-4s
Left: iPhone 6. Right: Size of iPhone 6 remote.

Relationship Scoreboard

This computerized device will keep track of everything you argue about in your relationship: Who forgot to do their chores? Who had the last sassy remark? Who made a mean comment? Fights will be more productive than ever and revenge will be surprisingly easy. Warning: may cause deterioration of relationship.

 

Recipients of these gifts have deemed them “life changing” and “what gets me out of bed in the morning.”

When asked if they recommend the gifts, people on the internet said:

“The Cargo Shorts Kit saved my marriage.”

“Thanks to the Tie Tie-r, tying my tie is knot a problem.”

“I saw a commercial for the Facebook Finder while I was in prison and immediately sought parole so I could get one ASAP.”

Hurry up and get these gifts before they’re sold out and everyone’s lives are ruined forever.

Photos:  agreeordie.comwww.gottabemobile.com; http://www.theguardian.com/money/2011/nov/05/christmas-shopping-rights-return 

Sara Carioscia

Sara Carioscia

Sara is a senior majoring in Classics and Biology. Right now she's probably eating ice cream, competing in a triathlon or annoying her roommates. Her favorite foods are Pho and M&Ms. One time she made Jason Bateman laugh.
Sara Carioscia

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