The Year the Easter Bunny Got Lazy


For all of the doubters out there, the Easter Bunny is real. In fact, the Bunny is a regular 4E News Correspondent who serves as the head investigator for mythical stories. However, some of our recent conversations with the Bunny suggest that Easter might be a little bit different this year.

In January, the Bunny hit the slopes of Aspen, Colo., to blow off a little steam before his busy season arrived. Although we had expected him to come back within a few days, four months later, the Easter Bunny shows no signs of returning. 4E called him last night to get the inside scoop.

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“Alright alright alright … I’ll answer your questions.”

Apparently, the vacation inspired a few lifestyle changes for the Easter Bunny. Rather than returning after a week as he had planned, he decided to settle in Colorado as he explored an alternative lifestyle. Most years, the Easter Bunny spends his days hiding eggs and gathering chocolate in preparation for his big day, but this year, the Easter Bunny has been spending his time eating Cheetos and looking for his TV remote, which he apparently lost some time in early February.

The personality changes go beyond his newfound affinity for cheesy snacks. Feeling limited by the title “Easter Bunny,” he now identifies as the “Spring Holiday Bunny.” Moreover, he has decided that his job description, which requires him to “deliver chocolate and hide eggs for all children celebrating Easter,” was too rigid and demanding. In an effort to lessen his workload, the Bunny has asked the Council of Mythological Creatures to change his job description. Rather than delivering chocolate and hiding eggs for all of the children celebrating the holiday, the Bunny would like to “eat chocolate and potentially hide eggs for some of his closest friends and neighbors.” The Bunny also requested a 20-minute break at approximately 4:20 a.m. on Easter morning. He was unable to explain the motivation for this break. 4E contacted the Council of Mythological Creatures several times, but they repeatedly declined to comment.

Not only is the Bunny’s work ethic faltering, but his priorities also seem a little out of whack as of late. When I asked him if he was excited for his so-called “Spring Holiday,” he responded, “Yeah man, I’m super pumped for 4/20.” We here at 4E are still not sure how to interpret that response.

With only hours left before Easter, let’s all hope that the “Spring Holiday Bunny” can get his act together in time for his big day, but don’t be surprised if you find a half-eaten bag of Doritos in your Easter basket.


Kyle Murphy

Kyle Murphy

Kyle is a senior in the College who enjoys some things and dislikes other things.
Kyle Murphy

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