Making The Best Of The Worst: Burnett’s Edition

You’ve just awoken on a Saturday morning from a night you care not to remember. You head downstairs to your kitchen, and lo and behold, someone left you some ~gifts~ you didn’t expect — Burnett’s, your favorite pal!

Beyond excited to have ended up with only the best and most delicious drink to grace our campus, you suddenly realize it’s not what you expected. You got the reject flavors.

While Burnett’s is known for creating wild nights, but it should be more well-known for some of the ridiculous flavors the people who want to end Earth as we know it its creators have chosen to produce over the years.

Those flops are unfortunately the ones your oh-so-generous friends left behind for you, but all is not lost! 4E is here to help you make the best of the worst and give you suggestions on how to keep the debauchery going.

Here’s our advice on how to consume:

  • Cucumber Lime. It’s Corona and Lime for a reason. Nobody ever asked for this. Cucumber and lime classically go with gin, so this is just a meager, failed attempt to reinvent the laws of mixology. If you’ve ever smelled the stench from a stinkbug, it’s not so different from the way this flavor smells.  Unfortunately, the only way to use this up is by covering up the taste in some sort of extreme jungle juice, where you can almost mask the flavor in your sorrows the taste of off-brand soda and random alcohols you found in the back of your fridge.

  • Maple Syrup. Aunt Jemima didn’t die for your sins so you could disrespect her delicious syrup by infusing it into an off-brand vodka. To be honest, this is like the Mrs. Butterworth’s of vodka: You simply are conditioned from birth to look down upon it and anyone that consumes it. If you’re ever ~low~ enough to actually buy this, you’ve hit rock bottom. However, this flavor is golden for a boozy brunch. Pour some into your syrup to get things started up for Homecoming or Georgetown Day — the more, the merrier.
  • Pumpkin Spice. It may be ~PSL SZN~, but that by no means justifies this atrocious flavor. There are some things that simply don’t go together, and pumpkin and vodka happen to be two of these things.  If you ~need~ to find a way to rid yourself of pumpkin spice Burnett’s, there is only one way — mix it with other alcohol. Since it’s such a unique flavor, no sodas or other traditional chasers are going to work, so mix equal parts Burnett’s and Rumchata or Baileys, depending on your preference. Serve chilled as shots or a festive cocktail.
  • Orange. Just call GERMS right now. I’m 100% convinced that this actually isn’t vodka but rather Mr. Clean Orange Floor Cleaner. There is simply no way this stuff is suitable for human consumption — which is tough to believe since citrus Burnett’s theoretically should be similar but is exponentially better. In any case, you definitely want to mix this with fruit juice. Try mixing 1-part Burnett’s to 1-part cranberry juice to 1-part Triple Sec to 2-parts orange juice for a floor-cleaning take on a margarita!

    When you take a shot of Orange Burnett’s
  • Limeade. Lime is definitely not the worst flavor, but take Burnett’s Lime, add green food coloring and a bit of Windex, and you have Burnett’s Limeade! This flavor is pretty hard to come by nowadays, and that’s definitely okay by us at 4E. In any case, you’re definitely going to want to stick with citrus. This mixes decently well with lemonade (disclaimer: this is a drink, not a song by Beyoncé). You’ll probably want to forget you went so low as to purchase green vodka, so try 3-parts Burnett’s to 2-parts lemonade. Throw some colored sugar on the rim just to be ~fancy~, and there you have it!

While they’re nothing like Citrus or Pink Lemonade, let’s hope that these ideas will help you stay lit get your creative juices flowing!

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, pinterest.com

How To Throw A Holiday Party As Told By Michael Scott

how to throw a holiday party

It’s that time of year again. A time when you need to choose between spending more time perfecting that final paper or perfecting that hilarious Secret Santa gift. While it may be difficult to manage it all, 4E is here to help you make this season a bit less stressful. Here are five tips on how you can throw the perfect Christmas/Holiday party. Oh, and we got a little help from our old friend, Michael Scott.

  1. Give your holiday party a theme.

    It’s Santa Bond.
  2. Decorate. Decorate. Decorate. 
  3. Get the proper libations (if you’re 21 of course) or drinks to get the party started. 
  4. Take your Secret Santa to the next level. 
  5. Make sure you have proper holiday music to continue the party! 

While it may be daunting to throw a holiday party during this hectic time, we hope that our five tips give you the boost you need. And let’s just take a minute to remember why we are celebrating in the first place.

World’s Best Boss

Images: giphy.com, http://theofficescreenshots.tumblr.com/page/6

You Seek, We Write: The Hilarious Search Terms That Lead to 4E

Search TermsWell, hello there 4E readers. We here at the blog would like to think that our incredibly informative and entertaining pieces fill the voids of readers desperately searching for a way to brighten their day. Believe it or not, there are many ways Fourth Edition readers come across the quirky abode that is our website. Some viewers come from The Hoya website. Others arrive through our Facebook promotions, and quite a lot arrive from search engines.

Now, you might be wondering, what do you have to type into a search engine to end up on 4E? Well, thanks to our site statistics, we’ve tracked it and figured it out. And for your reading pleasure, we’ve compiled a list of our favorite searches that landed Google users on the pages of our blog. So next time you are soul searching on the World Wide Web, try typing in one of these stellar search phrases so you can see the best of what we have to offer. (Or just bookmark our site and go there.)

Georgetown-Burnetts-1“How to drink hot cinnamon flavored vodka”

As with many things life, questions cannot be simply boiled down to the why. They must also include the how, and we at 4E are here to guide you through those difficult decisions by providing a vast array of choices and advice that will hopefully lead you to answer to that question. Our variety of articles including how-tos, different drinking games (many of which are themed) and recipes will help every Hoya spice up a social gathering.

Wait a second, did someone say spice up? That’s right, this search phrase featured none other than then the highly contested, frequently talked about, hot cinnamon flavored vodka! Never forget that Hoyas help Hoyas when venturing into new territory, so we are always here to help.

“Surprised Patrick”

Some things are better seen than heard. Surprised Patrick’s face expresses feelings a Hoya can experience several times throughout the day. Like when there are no treadmills free at Yates, the pasta line is non-existent or the Internet is working in a dorm room.

“Calories in Thomas Sweet ice cream”

At 4E, we like ice cream, too! But to be honest, we don’t know the answer to this one and we actually don’t want to. Here’s a link to the Thomas Sweet website, though, just in case you dare to find out.

tumblr_mt60vbyJfw1s8shk6o1_400“Honey Boo Boo”

Perhaps the greatest thing about Honey Boo Boo (and clan), is that she is never too shy to say what she is really thinking and never too humble to declare her accomplishments loud and proud. Whenever you are having a bad day, turn to Honey Boo Boo and 4E and remember that if we both exist and everyone is still smiling, you can make it through, too.

“Are you supposed to say your name in a card for your Secret Santa”

With any holiday season comes gifts, often in the form of fun games involving secrecy. Hoyas have asked us for sage advice to the question, “Are you supposed to say our name in a card for Secret Santa?” Well, we have consulted significantly on this issue and ruled that secret is secret only if it is secret. Therefore, a resounding yes. But keep it a secret.

“Georgetown rat problem”

Yes, there is a bit of a rat problem here at Georgetown. We know. But really, the infestation is all just a matter of outlook. On one hand, you can think of our rats as disgusting, foul, disease-infested vermin. Or, on the other hand, you can think of them as just another friendly, diverse addition to the Hilltop community who happen to appear at night. Like armadillos. And who doesn’t love armadillos?

As you can see, those who stumble upon the Fourth Edition have quite the array of Internet searches. Some are looking for answers to practical questions. Some need a sympathetic story or a light-hearted laugh. Whatever the reason, 4E is always here for you in your time of need. Keep reading and keep asking the most of us, Hoyas!

The Best and Worst of Your Good Friend, Burnett’s

Georgetown BurnettsOur sweet love, Burnett’s. You’re there for the best of times. You’re there for the worst of times. You’re there for, and usually the cause of, the best of times that turn into the worst of times. For some strange reason (read: because of your low price), Hoyas love you. As the apt Marlene Cox and Lindsay Lee once commented, “Georgetown seems to be sponsored by Patagonia but powered by Burnett’s.” You are the wind beneath our wings, the source of all our stumbles– no. Burnett’s, you are our everything

Oh, who are we kidding? Most of your drinks taste like a mix of turpentine and gasoline. And quite frankly, that’s a lot of bad drinks: including plain vodka, you currently have 30 flavors of vodka beverages on the market. The majority of these are sub-par! We aren’t sure if some of them are really even vodka. Sometimes we don’t know whether to drink them or to do acid-base testing with them. But that’s why we’re here. We at The Fourth Edition have compiled a “Rookie’s Guide to Burnett’s.” We’ll tell you which flavors to buy, which flavors to never lay eyes on, and how to make the best Burnett’s beverages. (Just remember, you are working with Burnett’s… don’t expect any miracles.)

The “Best” 

1. Citrus – According to the Most Interesting Man in the World, “Normally I’d never touch a bottle of Burnett’s, but when I do, I drink Burnett’s Citrus.” If you want the most versatile Burnett’s flavor and the most bang for your buck, go for the citrus. Add it to lemonade, add it to orange juice or add it to iced tea. But for the classiest citrus beverage in town, try the Citrus Cooler. Add 1.5 oz (a shot) of Burnett’s Citrus with equal parts lemonade, cranberry juice, and club soda. Want to take it to another level? Garnish with a lemon wedge. It’s so tasty you’ll almost think you’re drinking Smirnoff.

2. Lime – Burnett’s Lime is a close second to it’s cousin, the aforementioned Citrus. Lime is actually almost as flexible as Citrus. In fact, we’d put it at number one, but Citrus sounds classier than Lime and we had to make a judgment somehow. Our favorite use of Burnett’s Lime is a secret recipe that we 4E-ers call the Fruit Fuzion. Take 1.5 oz of Burnett’s Lime and add equal parts of Strawberry Melon Fuze and sparkling limeade. So yummy, it’s practically sub-lime. (Get it? Lime?!) Note: please do not confuse this with Burnett’s Limeade. Yes. Burnett’s does make both. And yes, we think it’s stupid, too.

3. Pear – We know. Game changer. You thought we would go for Raspberry. At first, we thought we would too. But there’s just something about Burnett’s pear– dare we say a freshness?– that makes it so irresistible. We just love our PearBerry coolers: Add 1.5 oz of Burnett’s Pear to equal parts cranberry-raspberry juice and club soda. It’s fruity. It’s fresh. It’s fun. It will probably make you black out, so be careful.

The Worst

1. Maple Syrup – Yes, Burnett’s makes a vodka that is flavored like Maple Syrup. No, you should never drink it. It is inexcusable. It is wrong. It is wretched. Don’t even look at it. If you need maple syrup that desperately, go to Vermont or Canada or something. Just whatever you do, don’t buy this liquor. EVER.

2. Grape – Don’t do it. If you haven’t already guessed, it doesn’t taste like grapes. It tastes like cough medicine gone bad. It tastes like the devil. It tastes like stale purple drank, just without the hallucinogenic effects. According to every Jesuit on Georgetown’s campus, “Burnett’s Grape is a sin and, if you drink it, God will spite you.” Don’t mess with God. Don’t drink Burnett’s Grape.

3. Hot Cinnamon – Ew. Just chew some Big Red gum instead. Your mouth will already be burning from the poor quality Burnett’s alcohol, so why would you want to intensify that burning with cinnamon? Remember that old Apple Jacks commercial where it would say “Cinnamon is dee winna, ‘mon”? Cinnamon is not dee winna, ‘mon. It is the loser. And you will be the loser, too. This may be a highly contended choice for “The Worst”, because some people just love this stuff, but I call the shots here (Get it? Shots?).

Stay responsible, Hoyas.

Photo edit: Lindsay Lee/The Hoya