2016 Presidential Nominees As GUSA Presidents

Banner - 2016 GUSABy this point, we are all well aware of who this year’s presidential nominees will be. Like ’em or not, barring some extreme circumstance or ~political revolution~, either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton will be moving into prime D.C. real estate early next year.

The average Georgetown student is pretty politically savvy, but for those of us who aren’t, 4E has created a guide to the nominees by making them a little more relevant to Georgetown. Here are what the candidates’ platforms and personas would be if they were running for Georgetown University Student Association President instead:

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The Likely Democratic Nominee, Hillary Clinton:

  • Creation of a new email system. Google Apps was glitchy, anyways.
  • Officially recognize H*yas for Choice.
  • Someone will tell her to lower tuition, and she will give in.
  • The number of Georgetown students getting Wall Street internships will increase tenfold.
  • Public Safety Alerts about attacks on students may disappear mysteriously.
  • Incentivize more speakers to come to campus by paying them hundreds of thousands of dollars.
  • Jack the Bulldog will wear a pantsuit.hillsuits
  • The front gates remain open.
  • If GUASFCU fails, it must be bailed out.
  • GUSA Vice President will get into battles on Facebook with opposing campaigns.
  • #1 Customer of The Corp, yet has a problem with the way it operates.
  • Already had a seat in her classes before the class primaries (i.e. pre-registration).

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The Presumptive Republican Nominee, Donald Trump:

  • Studying abroad in any country that participates in international trade deals is no longer allowed.
  • Build a giant wall around campus, and close the front gates.
  • Somehow gets all of his classes during preregistration, stunning even the registrar.
  • Will apply for financial aid, then default on his student loans.
  • New Corp storefronts: a casino, a vineyard and a steakhouse.
  • His possible Vice Presidential nominee may close the Key Bridge.
  • Model UN will receive no funding and be removed from CSE budgets.
  • The entire campus is a free speech zone.
  • Shut down the Qatar campus and relocate it to Tel Aviv.
  • Repeal and replace the student insurance waiver.
  • Will actually enforce the 100% ID check on GUTS buses.
  • Will cut tuition and funding for campus news outlets (Dishonest media!)
  • Attack Villanova hard and fast. They have been beating us badly, folks.trumpdunk

Perhaps this will help you make your decision, or it might have just frustrated/annoyed/perplexed/(insert your feeling here) you, but in any case, just remember to VOTE!

Note: Neither The Hoya nor The Fourth Edition officially endorses candidates for political office or otherwise.

Photos/Gifs: reddit.com, giphy.com

The Colbert Report Is Coming to GW

Colbert at GW

Stephen Colbert will be interviewing President Barack Obama at George Washington University on Monday, Dec. 8 as part of a special episode of one of 4E’s favorite shows, the late-night satirical television show “The Colbert Report”.

The episode is titled “Stephen Colbert Presents: Mr. Colbert Goes to Washington D.C. Ya Later, Legislator: Partisan is Such Sweet Sorrow: A Colbert Victory Lap, ‘014.” So basically, what you would expect it to be titled.

Some lucky GW kids got free tickets through a lottery this week. Although most Georgetown students don’t have tickets to the event, we can still speculate about what the interview will entail.

Colbert will probably grill Obama about recent decisions made by the government (or lack thereof). Some classic themes that the plebeians will recognize are the mid-term elections and possibly the Ebola epidemic.

He might make some comment about Obama’s quick aging over the last few years, and he might inquire about the Obama family’s holiday plans: Will they be jetting off to Hawaii to soak up the warm weather? Heading abroad for some international sightseeing? Staying in Washington to revel in the friendly and un-jaded atmosphere?

Colbert seems excited to visit the capital of the nation he loves to hate: “Washington has been the Report’s second home, and I will be returning on Monday to show it the same affection the British did in 1812.”

He is looking forward to seeing the monuments, better known as “that big toothpick,” “mega-Lincoln,” and “the pool with that handsome man staring out at it.”

Tune in Monday night to see this particularly star-studded special of The Colbert Report. It’s sure to be a thriller! Just try to forget that they picked GW over Georgetown.

Photo: mashable.com

Front Page Fakeout: Georgetown University Suspends All Student Activities

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Notice: Front Page Fakeout is a parody post in which a 4E writer takes a story from the front page of The Hoya and puts an exaggerated and ENTIRELY false spin on it. The Front Page Fakeout uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

 

After numerous fraternities, sororities and other unofficial Georgetown groups weren’t allowed to table inside of the Student Activities (SAC) Fair on Saturday, Georgetown University officials have decided to terminate all student clubs, groups, and activities until further notice.

According to an anonymous source in University President John J. DeGioia’s office: “The chaos at Saturday’s SAC Fair approached a level [comparable to] a Walmart full of overeager Christmas shoppers on Black Friday. Students were talking at an above ‘indoor voice’ level. As a necessary consequence to these unprecedented actions, we have decided to permanently halt student participation in campus activities.”

A detailed memo released by the Office of the Provost explains the timetable of activity shutdown: “All activities must cease by January 20, 2013, and all documents correlating to student groups must be burned, shredded, or tossed into the Potomac in a frantic and unstable manner by that date.” The memo from the provost also threatened that if any clubs are not in compliance with the timetable, former Secretary of State Madeline Albright will quit the faculty and personally burn down the Rafik B. Hariri Building.

Despite the impending stoppage of the more than 200 student groups on campus, students seem to be taking the news in stride. Georgetown University Student Association senator Jane Hoyason even seemed pleased with the activities halt. “To be quite honest, activities aren’t a big part of life here at GU. The students here are some of the laziest, most unsuccessful people in the world. So really, who gives a flyin’ hoot and a half?”