How to Survive the Clownpocalypse

How to Survive the Clownpocalypse

Over the years, American civilization has encountered several major threats to its ongoing existence, such as terrorism, climate change and infectious diseases. Today, there is a new danger on the horizon: the Clownpocalypse.

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For those of you who have been living under a rock for the last four days, allow me to explain. Across the nation, cities, neighborhood communities, and college campuses have been terrorized by machete-carrying, child-luring, simply horrifying clowns. Feeling freaked out and unprepared? Follow these tips to help you survive if/when the clowns arrive at Georgetown.

1. Use the Buddy System
Do not even think about leaving your room alone. Going to Leo’s? Bring a buddy. Going to Yates?  Let’s be honest, probably not. Going to Lau? Bring a buddy. Going to the bathroom? BRING A BUDDY. A clown will be less likely to approach you if you are in pairs, and on the off chance one does, you will also have a human sacrifice handy to allow for your own quick escape.

2. Exercise your Second Amendment right
I don’t care what it is. Pepper spray. A knife. A rifle (maybe not a rifle…). A baseball bat. Clown repellent. It doesn’t matter. Just arm yourself ASAP because these clowns do not mess around. Maybe even consider calling your dad back about that self defense class he suggested you take before college. It could come in handy.

3. If you see something, say something
I’m not one to advocate for clown profiling, but if you see anything that even resembles one of these mask-wearing reincarnations of Lucifer you better say something. Tell your floor mates. File a report on LiveSafe. Call GUPD. Organize a press conference. Whatever it takes to get the word out.

4. Master the art of disguise
This one is fool proof. Carry around a clown mask with you at all times, and if you happen to see a clown quickly put it on and pretend your one of his/her friends. They’ll never know.

5. Accept your death
If you failed to follow any of my aforementioned tips this is really your only option. It’s been nice knowing you.

Now that you have 4E’s official guide to surviving the Clownpocalypse, go forth my friends and stay safe in these trying times.

Images: giphy.com, http://bit.ly/2dv6Hv1

Friday Fixat10ns: Songs to Fuel Your Run

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As we near the end of March the weather is improving, the birds are chirping and the incessant crowd of DC runners are continuing to take on the sidewalks. If you are not already, 4E encourages you to get out and join the fun!

We understand, however, if the prospect of putting on athletic clothes and actually partaking in physical activity has you feeling like this:

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It can be daunting, but no matter what long winded string of excuses you can make for yourself, WE BELIEVE IN YOU! And we have put together a playlist as a form of encouragement. In no time at all you’ll be like this:

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  1. Uptown Funk- Bruno Mars, Mark Ronson. The ultimate pump up song to start of the run. If your pacing isn’t good, the beat in this song will surely help you get through the pain.
  2. I’m Still Standing- Elton John. Second song is where you really wanna give up, hey you’ve already ran a little why do more. This song will remind you that you are up and doing this. So, why stop?
  3. Lose Yourself- Eminem. Literally lose yourself as you listen to this song. Pretend you are on a beach, sleeping, just not running/dying like you probably are in reality.
  4. Dog Days are Over- Florence + the Machine. Almost half way there, you are past the hard part. Enjoy the serenity of this song and the serenity of this less painful part of this thing we call exercise.
  5. Talk Dirty- Jason Derulo. What makes a run better than picturing Jimmy Fallon doing his cover of this song? The original is amazing too, enjoy the hilarious lyrics and the obsessive beat.
  6. All I Do is Win- DJ Khaled. You are killin’ it. Really, all you do is win. You are making this run yours, there is no stopping. In the words of the poetic DJ Khaled all you do is win “no matter what”. Keep it up.
  7. Team- Lorde. We are all your team (aka your cheer squad) here. You have so much support behind you, keep on keeping up.
  8. Anaconda- Nicki Minaj. Nothing like a little Nicki to get you excited and in the mood to finish this run. You better do the rap or you are not a real person.
  9. I Love it- Icona Pop. You love this run, you love this exercise, you love that this thing is almost over! Celebrate with this iconic song and make sure to scream out the chorus while doing so.
  10. How Far We’ve Come- Matchbox Twenty. YOU DID IT. You have made it to the end of your run, congrats! Look at what you have done and all the songs that have helped you get there. Killin’ it.

There you have it, 10 songs that range the spectrums of genres and decades ready to accompany you on your workout. Get out there and show us what you got!!

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This post was co-written with Courtney Klein.

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com; tumblr.com;  runnersworld.com

Best Bets: Live Jazz and Rare Vinyls

 

FRIDAY:

Take in the smooth jazz piano sounds of Johnny O’Neal (who played the role of his primary influence, Art Tatum, in the Academy Award-winning film Ray) tonight at Twins Jazz (1344 U St. NW). Tickets cost $20, but it’s well worth the price to hear O’Neal’s tender ballads and expert piano-playing. For a preview, check out this video.

SATURDAY:

If running in your underwear in February for a good cause sounds like something you’d like to do sometime, Cupid’s Undie Run is for you. The run begins at 319 Pennsylvania Av. SE, and participants will do a 1.1-mile loop around the Capitol, with the $30 registration fees and other donations benefiting the Children’s Tumor Foundation. All festivities, pre- and post-race, will be held at The Pour House, a Capitol Hill hot-spot during the workweek. Pre-race festivities begin at noon, before the 2 p.m. run. The run this year will be extra exciting, with rain, snow, wind, and near-freezing temperatures expected.

SUNDAY:

For the vinyl aficionados in the District, the D.C. Records Fair at the Riot Act Comedy Club (801 E St. NW) is sure to be the highlight of the weekend. Featuring six local DJ’s, plenty of drinks, and thousands of old records, the fair is moving for the first time to a larger location to accomodate its growing following. Past editions of the fair have been advertised as a great event to find exceptionally rare vinyls. For the super-rare music, show up at 11 a.m. for early bird shopping — regular shopping starts at noon for a $2 cover charge, but bring additional money for drinks and vinyls.