2016 Presidential Nominees As GUSA Presidents

Banner - 2016 GUSABy this point, we are all well aware of who this year’s presidential nominees will be. Like ’em or not, barring some extreme circumstance or ~political revolution~, either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton will be moving into prime D.C. real estate early next year.

The average Georgetown student is pretty politically savvy, but for those of us who aren’t, 4E has created a guide to the nominees by making them a little more relevant to Georgetown. Here are what the candidates’ platforms and personas would be if they were running for Georgetown University Student Association President instead:

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The Likely Democratic Nominee, Hillary Clinton:

  • Creation of a new email system. Google Apps was glitchy, anyways.
  • Officially recognize H*yas for Choice.
  • Someone will tell her to lower tuition, and she will give in.
  • The number of Georgetown students getting Wall Street internships will increase tenfold.
  • Public Safety Alerts about attacks on students may disappear mysteriously.
  • Incentivize more speakers to come to campus by paying them hundreds of thousands of dollars.
  • Jack the Bulldog will wear a pantsuit.hillsuits
  • The front gates remain open.
  • If GUASFCU fails, it must be bailed out.
  • GUSA Vice President will get into battles on Facebook with opposing campaigns.
  • #1 Customer of The Corp, yet has a problem with the way it operates.
  • Already had a seat in her classes before the class primaries (i.e. pre-registration).

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The Presumptive Republican Nominee, Donald Trump:

  • Studying abroad in any country that participates in international trade deals is no longer allowed.
  • Build a giant wall around campus, and close the front gates.
  • Somehow gets all of his classes during preregistration, stunning even the registrar.
  • Will apply for financial aid, then default on his student loans.
  • New Corp storefronts: a casino, a vineyard and a steakhouse.
  • His possible Vice Presidential nominee may close the Key Bridge.
  • Model UN will receive no funding and be removed from CSE budgets.
  • The entire campus is a free speech zone.
  • Shut down the Qatar campus and relocate it to Tel Aviv.
  • Repeal and replace the student insurance waiver.
  • Will actually enforce the 100% ID check on GUTS buses.
  • Will cut tuition and funding for campus news outlets (Dishonest media!)
  • Attack Villanova hard and fast. They have been beating us badly, folks.trumpdunk

Perhaps this will help you make your decision, or it might have just frustrated/annoyed/perplexed/(insert your feeling here) you, but in any case, just remember to VOTE!

Note: Neither The Hoya nor The Fourth Edition officially endorses candidates for political office or otherwise.

Photos/Gifs: reddit.com, giphy.com

MINDBLOWN: GOP, Women and Dolla Bill$

GOP_Logo1Whether you are politically inclined or you spent the first couple hours of the debate thinking it was reality TV, we all can agree that there was some level of personal utility to be gained from the GOP debate, whether it be entertainment or education. We want to commemorate the absurdity of one question in particular, and what it means for half of our population: women.

Candidates were asked which woman should be on the ten dollar bill. A question that, if posed to children ages elementary through college, could likely be answered with a little bit of homework, some google searches and a short paragraph. The GOP candidates, however, took it to a whole ‘nother level. 

First up: Rand Paul.

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He says Susan B. Anthony, served up with an acknowledgement of women’s suffrage. Not bad Rand Paul, thank you for at least looking over your homework.

Next we have Mike Huckabee with a charming digression from a serious answer.

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“Now that’s an easy one,” he said. “I’d put my wife on there.” He then explained, saying that if she were on the ten dollar bill, she could “spend her own money,” a well thought out implication on the role and priorities of women in America at large. Thank you for using your opportunity to support the great women of our history by perpetuating the idea that all women do is spend money. Also, super glad to hear that the act of putting up with you warrants recognition on the $10 bill.

Marco Rubio:

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“Rosa Parks, an everyday American that changed the course of history.” Okay, 1 point for you Marco Rubio.

Ted Cruz agrees with Rubio,

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But first, takes all of his time to acknowledge the significant role Alexander Hamilton played in history. Thanks for that Ted Cruz, but why not use your time to talk about women?

Then there’s Ben Carson, also not choosing to take the question seriously.

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He says his mother. Thanks Ben Carson, if only we could put all of our mothers on the bill… But wait, women are more than just mothers aren’t they?

Then we have America’s boy Donald Trump, whose answer, in relative terms, did not outshine his counterparts.

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“Ivanka Trump” because she’d been sitting there for 3 hours. Followed up by the acknowledgement that he was joking (ahem Huckabee and Carson). He then added to the more credible Rosa Parks talley.

Trump was followed by Jeb Bush.

Screen Shot 2015-09-17 at 4.21.53 PM“Margaret Thatcher!” Ding ding ding, we have a winner. She’s not even American.

Scott Walker:

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Clara Barton, founder of the American Red Cross. Okay, Scott Walker, I see you.

Carly Fiorina follows with perhaps the biggest plot twist of all.

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Perhaps the deepest thinker of them all, Carly Fiorina said that we should would not make any changes. In her deep analysis, she indicates that this “gesture” is only a gesture and implied that we need to acknowledge our history not change it.

Governor Kasich:

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Mother Theresa. You really can’t think of one women in America’s history? Is this just the first woman that came to mind that wasn’t a member of your direct family?

Alas, Chris Christie followed with another (less) thorough analysis.

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(Side Note: Perhaps this silhouette could be fit for the bill?)

“Our country wouldn’t be here without John Adams.” *Queue suspenseful music* So, naturally, he says “Abigail Adams,” because everyone knows a great man doesn’t do anything great without a woman in his shadow.

Thank you GOP candidates for paying attention in your elementary school history classes, preparing for the debate and really giving thoughtful acknowledgement to the salient roles of women in this country’s history.

Great to know the (dishearteningly low) respect you hold for women and America.

See for yourself.

Photos/Gifs: youtube.com, wikimedia.org

Best Bets: Feeling Presidential

Still looking for things to fill the three-day weekend? We’ve got you covered with this week’s Best Bets to ensure that you have an awesome President’s Day Weekend!

FRIDAY

Are you a scary movie fanatic? If so, head out to the Black Cat (1811 14th St. NW) for Friday Night Frights from 7:00pm to 8:30pm. They’re showing two episodes of the HBO American horror anthology, Tales from the Crypt. Admission is free and, if you’re over 21, there are some awesome drink specials. Black Cat is only three blocks from the U Street/Cardozo Metro Station which makes it a convenient hot spot for all Georgetown students. Bring some friends because you won’t want to walk home alone after a night of terror.

SATURDAY

You don’t have to go far to have a great Saturday night – in fact, you can stay right on campus (which is convenient given the frigid winter weather). Head over to Bulldog Alley in the Leavey Center from 9:00pm to 1:30am for a Murder Mystery party and the showing of the movie Clue. Come prepared with your best detective skills to try to piece together the mystery as you search for the murderer. Dress in 1920’s themed attire in order to better immerse yourself in your role.

SUNDAY

The Next Big Thing Tour, which features over twenty local alternative and punk acts, has its next stop at the 9:30 Club (815 V. St. NW). The concert starts at 11:00 a.m. and lasts all day with a new act every twenty to thirty minutes. Stop by, even if for only a little while – you never know when one of these undiscovered bands will make it big. Tickets are $15 and are only available at the door the day of the concert.

MONDAY

It’s well worth it to trek out to Old Town Alexandria, Virginia from 1:00pm to 3:00pm to watch what’s being touted as “the largest parade celebrating Washington’s birthday in the USA!” The parade features bands, floats, wagons, horses, historic reenactment units, youth groups and special performances. Take the Yellow Line to the Eisenhower Avenue Metro Station, where a DASH bus will shuttle people downtown to the parade between 11am to 4pm, free of charge. During the day, everyone will have free admission to various historic Alexandria sites.

Photo: princeofpetworth.com