The mixture of confidence, political-mindedness and neurosis within Georgetown men is a veritable Molotov cocktail of personality traits, which can be triggered to explode by both academic debate and debauched social gatherings.
Before you accuse me of misandry, a disclaimer: #NotAllMen.
Especially not Armie Hammer and his spectacular dance moves.
Some guys at Georgetown are absolute diamonds — ladies, if you find them, hold on tight. However, some Hoya boys (henceforth known as “Boyas”) are still in a little more of a “coal” phase.
Donald Trump attempting to dig up an alibi, 2017 (colorized).
Love them or hate them — and usually it’s a confusing mixture of both — Boyas are a group to watch.
Since 2018 is sure to be another year of, like, realizing stuff, please consult this guide to educate yourself on how to spot a Boya, both at a distance and up close.
Side note: Welcome to the world, Stormi!
Without further ado:
1. When he uses the Jesuit values to justify late-night booty calls.
2. If his room has a distinctly “fiscally conservative, socially liberal” aesthetic.
3. When he asks you for your NetID.
Okay, maybe you’re doing a group project together, but ladies, we all know what this guy wants. Sliding into your Gmail is the ~ultimate~ Boya move.
4. If every time you text him “what’s up?” he replies, “at Yates 💪🚨💯.”
5. If he wears his Patagucci like it’s a uniform.
6. When Chad is the name and ghosting is the game.
7. If his party attitude can best be described as “hit it and quit it.”
It’s official: March Madness is upon us. I’m told by some alumni that there was once a time when the Georgetown basketball team was part of this tournament, but much like the stories of the days when students allegedly “went to games” and “could name a player on the team,” I’m pretty sure this is just a rumor. Regardless, we here at 4E (AKA the ~real~ sports section of The Hoya) have come up with some helpful advice for building that perfect bracket.
Consider Picking Schools That Have Jack-Like Mascots
The real tragedy of us missing the tournament is that the world will be deprived of seeing our beloved Jack the Bulldog ride his skateboard or drive his car around the court. But luckily, March Madness will still have some canine representation. Here are some possible picks you should consider based on their potential for adorableness:
Their “dog” is named Spike. It’s just a guy in a suit. No actual dog. Disappointing. 2/10.
Their dog is named Blue. He’s no Jack, but at least he’s an actual dog. Overall, pretty cute. Nice smile. Would definitely pet. 7/10.
UMBC (University of Maryland, Baltimore County) Retrievers:
The dog is named “True Grit”. Creative choice. Unclear if the mascot is “officially” just a guy in a suit, but according to Google Images, they seem to frequently have a plethora of live retrievers present at many events. I endorse this. Reminds me of Air Bud. 9/10.
Stay Away From the Big East
As many of you may know, many of the other teams in the Big East were very mean to the Hoyas this season. They often (very rudely) chose to score a lot of points and also frequently prevented us from scoring some points of our own. Very inconsiderate! Karma will not be kind to them in the tournament — stay away!
Also, Providence has this horrifying mascot. We can’t pick them knowing this thing will be there.
Remember Your Jesuit Values
The Arizona State Sun Devils? The Duke Blue Devils? Not today, Satan! These squads are clearly trying to tempt you into straying from your Jesuit values. March Madness is no time for such sinful endeavors, my fellow men and women for others. We suggest you play it safe and stick with the Penn Quakers — based on what little information I remember from my sixth-grade social studies class my extensive research, Quakers and Jesuits are essentially the same thing.
Also, remember that Penn once kindly took Ivanka off our hands, further proving their charitable nature (#NotMyFirstDaughter #WhyIsGeorgetownAssociatedWithSoManyTrumpChildren #TiffanyActuallySeemsOkThough). With all this in mind, Penn is pretty much a surefire pick for the Final Four.
Don’t Pick Michigan State.
This one may seem both arbitrary and contrary to popular opinion, but remember this: current star player and probable future lottery pick Jaren Jackson Jr. chose Michigan State over Georgetown. Yes, way back in 2016, the highly touted recruit included Georgetown among his final five school choices and then somehow didn’t pick us. Wyd Jaren?? Didn’t the tour guides tell you about new Leo’s? Were you not impressed by Lau? Did the rats scare you off??
Whatever the reason, to quote the internship rejection emails I keep getting, we’ve unfortunately “decided to go in a different direction” on this one and cannot recommend that our readers pick Michigan State. And if you’re reading this, Jaren Jackson Jr., please consider forgoing your lucrative NBA career in favor of transferring to the Hilltop next year. Patrick Ewing is really cool and some students will probably show up at a home game at some point. Also, we have a Chick-Fil-A now!
Do Not Pick Syracuse
We hope you have fun this month, and remember: next year will be better! We look forward to seeing you all at the Arena Formerly Known as the Verizon Center for the one game you’ll attend before leaving early to go to Rocket Bar.
You’ve all probably heard the expression “abroad changed me” and thought, “dear God, that person sounds so obnoxious.”
Still, some of us have actually changed. Some of my friends from Madrid are now ~euro~ and dress in clothes you only see when you crash an Expat Society party. In my post-abroad experience, late-night eating is a thing of the past for me…or at least it was until my second night back on campus. Let’s just say I’m back to being a regular at Domino’s.
As my parents were quick to point out, the world did not wait for us while we were abroad. We all have come back to Georgetown — that is, we all came back happy and then were promptly slapped across the face when we had 100+ pages of reading due for the first Monday. Now let’s just say these past few weeks have been a severe reality check.
However, as I sit here stressing about my Spanish paper, readings on Sharia law and Portuguese homework (see what I mean?), I can’t help but also be shocked by how much Georgetown has changed since my last visit in July. Here are just a few ways in which Georgetown has blown my mind in the last three weeks.
1. New Students. This one has to be the most noticeable change for anyone returning from abroad. Who are you and why did you take my favorite Lau 4 cubicle? What makes you think it’s okay to sit next to me in the ICC and make a huge mess of your Corp sandwich? Clearly a semester has put me out of touch with other Hoyas.
2. Apartment Lifestyle. As a friend once put it, I now have a place to cook, eat, sleep, hang out with friends, party, etc. I also technically never have to leave unless I want to go to class, work, be an actual human being, etc. The upgrade from Kennedy to Vil B is much better than many people think, which leads me to my next thought…
3. Village B is slightly nicer. I was quite pleasantly surprised to find a full-size refrigerator in my Vil B when I moved in a few weeks ago. I was not surprised, however, when I was greeted by the unbearable stench of my tower when I moved in. I guess some things will never change.
4. CHICK-FIL-A. One of the weirdest, but certainly not unwelcome, changes on campus. And if the thought of having a renowned eatery on campus isn’t absurd enough, how crazy is it that I haven’t gone yet?
5. Patrick Ewing has returned. Old news, I know, but having a new basketball coach on campus is big if you’re a true basketball fan. Although I’m ashamed to admit I left the game against St. John’s before the epic ending, it’s safe to say we’re in a better place than where we were last year (no disrespect to the former coach).
6. UG is now ~bougie~. Located at the top of the new bookstore, it seems to me that UG has lost its hipster-feel and has now traded for a more mainstream Barnes-&-Noble-feel. Just my personal opinion.
7. Leo’s has a VW bus inside. Considering new Leo’s opened months ago and I do not have a meal plan, this one probably is not that important of news. Just a fun fact, though. I’m glad to see the mice haven’t left.
8. The Drama. Though we all tried to stay updated on what was happening on campus, we were bound to miss some of the biggest drama since Josh Peck didn’t invite Drake Bell to his wedding. Whether two of your friends are dating, three of your friends only talk to each other now or your one friend confessed his/her lifelong love for — the sky is the limit. All you want to know is EVERYTHING.
9. Even printing has changed.I’m really not sure why this change was necessary and I know for a fact other formerly-abroad students are struggling to print documents because an obscure reinstallment is required. While I’m all for advancing technology, we could at least have had a warning before being sorely and publicly disappointed at the Lau 2 printer.
10. New semester, new taste. Of course, I mean the new Burnett’s flavors floating around campus. While all returnees are used to the cheapest alcohols abroad has to offer, that first taste of Burnett’s — assuming you’re 21, of course — is bound to slap you across the face harder than that first homework assignment.
Welcome back, Hoyas! While we may miss abroad every day, it’s safe to say we missed our friends, Piano Bar and the Hilltop even more last semester.
Amid finals season, the promise of this year’s basketball team under newly appointed head coach Patrick Ewing may be something to look forward to. Or perhaps not…
As someone whose GPA would suffer tremendously if athletics were part of the core requirement, you don’t really know what to make of the hype around this season. You were convinced to buy student season tickets by the incessant emails , but you’re not sure you made a wise investment. You once played basketball during eighth period P.E. in middle school, but your goal was primarily to jump and grab onto the net rather than to score. You honestly just want to get on the DanceCam. While it can be overwhelming for someone like you to understand at all what’s going on within 10 miles of the Verizon Center Capital One Arena, there is hope. You are ~not alone~. To help people like you, 4E presents our season predictions for the non-sports inclined:
Patrick Ewing will continue to look like a stock photograph for memes. While many are wondering what the former Hoya and NBA superstar will bring to the table as we head into conference play, one thing is certain: His meme potential is astronomical.
The student section will continue to look like we’re constantly in the middle of finals season. From the mumps outbreak to the never-ending midterms season to the existential crisis to be an #academic, it appears Hoyas are staying at home in increasing numbers.
Jack the Bulldog will lose his job to robots. As technology continues to leave humans jobless, what’s to say that this trend won’t spread to man’s best friend? Certainly, a robo-dog would be even better at riding a skateboard than an obese bulldog that pants at the thought of moving.
Rocket Bar will continue to be the main highlight for going to a basketball game. Honestly, when is this place not the main draw?
Hoya Blue will continue to make us look bad on national television. It seems as though the same six people sit in the front row at every game, looking confused and hopeless and realizing they made a grave mistake by buying another year of season tickets. Hopefully, the major television networks that make the mistake of broadcasting our games will pan to the empty parts of the stands, which present a better ~aesthetic~.
Capital One Arena’s chicken tenders will continue to outshine the new Leo’s. It’s unfortunate when $14.99 chicken fingers can outshine anything, but these babies do just that to our beloved only dining hall.
As the season gets into full swing, you’re now prepared to be ~on top of your game~! See you not at the game!
Take a break from rationing your remaining flex dollars and crying at the thought of having to eat at New Leo’s, because Parents Weekend (a.k.a. Beg Your Parents to Buy You Food Weekend) is upon us. And while it’s certainly nice to see the ‘rents (s/o my fellow #millennials), there are always some moms and dads you should be on the lookout for. To help you out, we’ve complied a list of the five parents you will meet during Parents Weekend:
1. The “Alumnus”
This parent answers the hypothetical question, “What if Jersey Night was somehow a dad?” Get ready for a weekend full of some definitely-not-exaggerated stories about those “wild nights at The Tombs” and how he/she totally used to “party with Patrick Ewing” “back in the day”. The “Alumnus” can usually be found reminiscing about how “the drinking age used to be 18” or how “the basketball team used to be good,” while staring wistfully at Healy and telling you about the time his/her roommate fell out of a New South window. Should you have to interact with one of these parents over the course of your weekend, our best advice is to continually reassure the “Alumnus” that you too love the movie St. Elmo’s Fire, while casually hinting how “cool” it would be if someone could buy you a case of Natty.
2. The “Empty-Nester”
This parent is still having a hard time accepting that the baby of the family is off at college. The Empty-Nester will spend the weekend doing the child’s laundry and thanklessly trying to replicate a home-cooked meal in the middle of a VCW common room. If your parent is the “Empty-Nester”, be sure to blatantly lie reassure them that you are making good choices, exercising regularly, and studying diligently every night before going to sleep promptly at 10 p.m. If you come into contact with someone else’s “Empty-Nester” mom or dad, be sure to nod sympathetically and mention how your own parents have simply replaced you with a dog.
3. The “Well, MY Son/Daughter Doesn’t Drink”
This parent is hopelessly out of touch with reality. When meeting other parents, this mom or dad will immediately assert a (false) superiority by saying some variation of “Well, my [insert child’s name] isn’t much of a partier” or “Well, my [insert child’s name here] is too busy studying to really go out much”. Nine times out of ten, this parent’s beloved child is the same child you once found passed out next to an empty can of Four Loko in a bathroom on a Tuesday night. If you meet one of these parents, resist the urge to show off all those incriminating Snapchats you’ve screenshotted, and simply go along with the naïve charade. Someday, likely in the form of a hospital bill after [insert child’s name here] is GERMSed from falling down the Vil A rooftop steps, the truth behind all those alleged “nights in Lau” will come out. But Parents Weekend is not that day.
4. The “Is This Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend??”
This parent will spend the entire weekend launching a full-scale, Spanish-Inquisition-style investigation into his or her child’s dating life. This will include asking every carbon-based lifeform that comes within ten feet of New South, “So…you and [insert child’s name] are…friends?” If this is your parent, expect a weekend of having your room discreetly searched for evidence, and continually being asked “whom are you texting?” and “is there anything you want to tell me?” as you walk around campus. If you find yourself in a situation where this is one of your friend’s parents, we suggest you remove yourself from this situation as quickly as possible, unless you want to become the next contestant on a never-ending Jeopardy episode where every category is just “Are You Dating My Son???”
5. The “Trump Supporter”
This one goes out to you, Hoyas from Michigan, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania. So step away from the “H*yas for Choice” table and rip that “Feel the Bern” sticker off your laptop, because all your friends are about to find out that your parent(s) are wholly responsible for the horrible and embarrassing end of American Democracy as we know it voted for Donald J. Trump. If you want to keep some semblance of familial cordiality and make it through the weekend on speaking terms, follow some of these helpful tips and tricks:
DO NOT mention what happened when Jeff Sessions spoke at the Law School a few weeks ago.
DO NOT mention that Hillary spoke in Gaston last year.
DO NOT mention anything about her famous Hoya Husband either.
DO mention that Steve Bannon and Paul Manafort are alumni? (#notmyhoyas).
So there you have it: The five parents you will meet on parents weekend. From all of us here at 4E: be safe, have fun, and enjoy putting off that midterm paper in favor of getting brunch with the #rents.
Hello, Hoyas on the Hilltop and abroad. I am currently studying in Hong Kong, and well, even across the Pacific, I still see snaps and get email updates, so all in all, I have a lot of questions.
WHAT IS THE NEW LEO’S LIKE?? Is the food good? Is the renovation lovely? Are there lines? How is the food? What is your favorite “station” or whatever you call the different dining options upstairs? How do you like the food?
How long is the line at Chick-fil-A? Last year at 3pm the masses would convene in Hoya Court to hit up Subway, Così and the other two or three places at which you could use a meal swipe. I’m assuming that whenever Chick-fil-A opens there is a large line. How do you pass the time? Do you wonder why it is not open on Sunday’s? Do you contemplate the Problem of God?
Where is the new Uncommon Grounds?
Does Patrick Ewing enjoy being back at campus? Honestly, I bet we’re all asking that. And also wondering will this be our year to make it to the NIT March Madness?~Coach Ewing enjoying himself at his 1985 Georgetown graduation~
And when did we become a football school? Now, I’m not a math major, but if you add Georgetown football to RFK stadium, we are still not a state school. I guess pretending we’re a football school for a day will have to do until we turn into one.
Many Georgetown students and alumni have been waiting in high anticipation as the school searches for a new men’s basketball coach to replace the recently fired, John Thompson III. Names including Shaka Smart, Tommy Amaker, and Patrick Ewing have been discussed, but nobody really knows who the new coach will be until Georgetown announces it. In the meantime, here are some creative suggestions from Tyler Park (COL ’18), a contributing editor to The Hoya, on who might be able to fill the role.
1. Allen Iverson
Pros: A true Georgetown legend and perhaps the coolest player in NBA history, Iverson would have no trouble recruiting talent to come play for his team. Iverson said recently that he would never coach in the NBA because, “I ain’t coaching no motherf****** that make more money than me.” Well, good news — NCAA athletes, theoretically at least, aren’t paid at all! It’s a perfect fit!
Cons: The team would never practice, which might not bode well for their chances on the court.
2. Michael Scott
Pros: An exceptional leader who has built a strong culture in his current job, Michael Scott would bring a great sense of humor to the locker room, and to the media. Also, he has shown an interest in mentoring young people in the past, as shown by “Scott’s Tots” — you should re-watch this episode.
Cons: Showed questionable judgment during the one basketball game he actually coached. Inexplicably cut Kevin Malone from the roster, which is one of the worst managerial decisions any coach has ever made.
3. Bill Belichick
Pros: Winning Super Bowls might be getting too easy for Belichick, who could look for a new challenge in a new sport and a new city.
Cons: Unless we can recruit Tom Brady to play point guard, this might not go as well as it has for the Patriots.
4. John Thompson IV
Pros: Keep it in the family!
Cons: As far as I know, John Thompson IV does not exist.
5. Chris Grosse
Pros: For those of you who don’t know Chris Grosse, he is the mind behind many of Georgetown’s recent creative marketing ideas, including “Hail to Kale” night, “Dad Bod,” day, and the Skater Jack bobblehead. Grosse is a creative talent and would be able to design a unique style of play to befuddle Georgetown’s opponents.
Cons: Grosse is pretty much irreplaceable as Georgetown’s marketing guy, so we would probably need to conduct another nationwide search to find his replacement. That seems counterproductive.
6. Eric Taylor
Pros: A true leader of men and a championship-level coach, Taylor has mentored some of the greatest athletes of our generation, including Tim Riggins, Vince Howard, and Matt Saracen. Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose.
Cons: He would probably have a pretty big adjustment transitioning from being a football coach to a basketball coach. Also, he’s another fictional character who doesn’t actually exist.
7. Barack Obama
Pros: Obama is currently out of work, knows the D.C. area, is passionate about the game of basketball, and would be able to recruit basically any player in the country. He also knows how to handle the media and is an excellent communicator.
Cons: I can’t really think of any reasons why this isn’t a great idea. Make it happen, Lee Reed!
Movember is upon us. And if “moisture is the essence of wetness and wetness is the essence of beauty,” then facial hair is definitely the essence of manliness. Plus you can celebrate Movember to raise money and awareness for a good cause. With that in mind, let’s take a moment to appreciate some of the most famous beards in Georgetown history.
Patrick Ewing (CAS ’85)
Although we generally associate handlebar mustaches with creepy neighbors and fictional 1970s television broadcast teams in the greater San Diego area, Ewing pulls off this ‘stache with pizazz. If you’re also a Hall-of-Fame-caliber basketball player, then you might want to consider growing out a handlebar mustache. Otherwise, we’d advise you to stay away.
Nick Kroll (COL ’01)
Kroll has tested out a few different beards and mustaches over the years, everything from the classic lazy beard to the 80s-style creeper ‘stache. His Larry Bird mustache might be somewhat ahistorical, but at least it’s manly.
John Mulaney (COL ’04)
A pupil of Nick Kroll, Mulaney has dominated the comedy circuit in recent years, but he hasn’t quite mastered the facial hair. Maybe someday, John.
Bill Clinton (SFS ’68)
You may know him as a polished former President and potential “First Gentleman,” but Bubba used to showcase a shaggy beard in his college days. For those you hoping to follow in Bill’s footsteps, consider growing out your facial hair. Plus, it might help you attract a smart hippie like Hillary.
I see right through you all, Hoyas. You all seem so happy about the recent change in weather: the warmth, the birds, the flowers. We have flocked to the “Healy Beach” (an apparently taboo term) , to the esplanade, and to that unnamed patio in between Regents and Hariri (ideas?). But, we cannot ignore the inevitable calamity that approaches: frizzy hair.
Hair connoisseur and fellow Hoya Emily Schuster (COL ’13), who reportedly washes her hair EVERY day, said, “My hair doesn’t get ‘curly-hair frizzy’, but it slowly elevates…” “Like a lion’s mane,” adds Kyra Adams (SFS ’16), another hair enthusiast.
You can sense the frizzy-hair-induced-terror in their words.
No matter what type of frizzy we experience, we still beg the question: WHY? Why are we cursed with such a horrid first world problem? Most of us realize that frizziness is somehow related to humidity; in fact, you can even construct a hygrometer with hair (Here’s a link to the definition of hygrometer). But here’s some more info.
Bundles of long keratin strands are a huge part of hair’s composition. Two different chemical bonds are formed between these strands: disulfide bonds and hydrogen bonds. Disulfide bonds are permanent, and are unaffected by humidity. Hydrogen bonds, on the other hand, are weak and very susceptible to the polar properties of other hydrogen.
Have you ever noticed that if you let your hair dry in a weird shape after a shower it can stay that way? The water actually breaks the hydrogen bonds in you’re hair, and they are reformed when your hair dries. These newly formed bonds can preserve the form of your hair when it dries.
A similar thing happens with humidity. There’s more water in the air, which means there’s more hydrogen. This messes with the bonds in your hair, causing you’re hair to go crazy. So not only do you have chemistry to blame for the delayed Cherry Blossom blooming, but for frizzy hair too. But don’t hate on chemistry; the same science is responsible for Burnett’s and baked goods.
Yet again, we see first-hand why Patrick Ewing is a brilliant man—he’s frizzy hair free.
Simply Science is a reoccurring post that aims to make recent scientific discoveries accessible and applicable to the Georgetown student.