Front Page Fakeout: The Rowdy Life of a Retired Mascot

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Notice: Front Page Fakeout is back, ladies and gentlemen! FPF is a parody post in which a 4E writer takes a story from The Hoya and puts an exaggerated and entirely false spin on it. Genius, we know. Front Page Fakeout uses invented names in its stories, except in cases where public figures are being blatantly satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. 

Jack the Bulldog may not frequent Verizon Center anymore due to his retirement, but that doesn’t mean he needs to stop being an all-star. Contrary to popular belief, Jack has found new stomping grounds, new ways to have fun and new crazy friends. In other words, he’s having a rollicking good time. But is it too good?

With Jack’s career coming to an end, the Hilltop needed a puppy replacement, pronto. Along came John B. Carroll, our new baby mascot. Jack’s first thought when he was notified of his long-awaited replacement was indubitably, TURN DOWN FOR WHAT? It was time for him to let loose.

Many university officials and Jack-insiders have said that since retirement, Jack still loves playing with other students. This is the understatement of the century. Jack has been “hanging out with the students” more than ever. He’s been spotted at Rhino, Malmaison, Brown House and even Rí Rá, despite only owning a vertical ID. Apparently, he’s quite the dancer. And allegedly, the Jumbo Slice workers in Adams Morgan have already made him his own tab.

What's in the water bottle, bro?
What’s in the water bottle, bro?

That’s not to say Jack is wasting away his retired weekends boozing. Jack always drinks responsibly, like all Hoyas over 21 and also like the Dos Equis Man suggests. (He and Jack are friends, obviously.)

Jack also has fun staring at fountains, reflecting in the Jesuit fashion and contemplating whether to jump in said fountains. Sometimes — to Fr. Steck’s dismay — he even goes skinny dipping, only to streak around campus minutes later.

"Wanna bet that I won't?"
“Wanna bet that I won’t?”

And you should see the way he’s been hitting the club scene throughout the District. He has his own personal table at Opera, and one worker there even commented that Jack “is constantly seen with models and other celebrities.” Basically, Jack lives life to the fullest. Rumor has it he’s even DJ-ing this week at the 9:30 Club.

"Okay, now pay up."
“Okay, now pay up.”

Jack is getting older, but he just doesn’t seem to want to slow down. He has been described as having a diva personality and, as we all know, there is no stopping a diva.

According to one Hoya, “Jack really seems to be going crazy in retirement. Apparently he blew off a press event with the Butler bulldogs so he could go party with Drake.”

Some students question what wild situation Jack will get himself into next. Here at 4E, we can only guess. But one thing is for sure: Though his mascot career may have ended, there seems to be no end in sight for Jack’s rowdy retirement.

Photo: http://www.totalprosports.com, http://traditions.georgetown.edu/jack/

Golden Globes: Top Comedy Summaries

golden globesThe Golden Globes have finally arrived, and tonight’s award for Best Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy is sure to provide a riveting race among some of the year’s top films. I figured I’d give you guys a hand with some of the movie summaries, in case you haven’t made it to the theaters to see them all yet.

Disclaimer: The majority of these summaries are not accurate, nor do I intend for them to be. I didn’t see any of these movies. But I do hope you laugh a little.

american_hustle_xlgAmerican Hustle

This one is like Ocean’s Eleven, but with incredibly bad hair. Bradley Cooper has a perm, Christian Bale has a combover and Jeremy Renner doubles as both an Elvis impersonator and a TV preacher. The fact that anyone takes these three seriously is incredible. Katniss Everdeen also makes a cameo, and now she has some variation of a Brooklyn accent, so that’s always fun.

spike-jonze-her-banner-skip-cropHer 

It’s everyone’s worst nightmare: Siri goes rogue! This Spike Jonze film is sure to be an instant classic, as everyone’s favorite operating system, Siri, tries to become a real person with a physical, human body.  If you liked Pinocchio or Disney’s Smart House, you’ll love this one.

563911_044Inside Llewyn Davis

Llewyn Davis is your average tabby cat, except he actually possesses incredible musical talent. Follow Llewyn and the big, sad guy who’s always carrying him on their journey across the country as Llewyn tries to become a successful folk singer despite fierce species discrimination and some people’s strong belief that cats just can’t play the banjo. The Blues Brothers meet Aristocats in a fascinating film on the feline condition.

nebraska_ref_2001Nebraska

Ten years after Willy Wonka and the Chocolate FactoryNebraska brings viewers back to the same lovable family of senior citizens (and Charlie). After their visit to Willy Wonka’s factory, Charlie Bucket and Grandpa have moved the family to America. One day, Grandpa finds a “Golden Ticket” of his own and wins a million dollars on a scratch ticket. He and Charlie go on a journey to Nebraska to claim his prize, and along the way, they learn some valuable lessons about the dangers of materialism. It’s constantly windy in Nebraska and Will Forte and Bruce Dern’s hair flows through that wind with beauty and grace, unlike the coifs of American Hustle.

o-WOLF-OF-WALL-STREET-TRAILER-facebookThe Wolf of Wall Street

20 years after the sinking of the Titanic, The Wolf of Wall Street begins with a shocking revelation: Jack Dawson miraculously survived the tragedy. Starting off with funds from selling his artwork, Jack begins investing in an effort to amass a fortune and eventually find Rose, all while having a little fun on the way. Leonardo DiCaprio reprises his role as Jack in a movie that is fun for the whole family. Be sure to bring the kids!

And there you have it. Those are your 2014 nominees for the Golden Globe for Best Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy. A big thanks goes to Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig for providing the inspiration for this piece.

Disclaimer, again: A large portion of these summaries is not accurate, nor do I intend for them to be. I didn’t see any of these movies. But I do hope you laughed a little.

Photos: rottentomatoes.com, impawards.com, blogs.indiewire.com, lib.utexas.edu, huffingtonpost.com

Front Page Fakeout: Corp begins taking orders at new tattoo parlor service, CORP INK

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The Corp has recently announced that it is merging its existing printing service to include a new service, Corp Ink. This new storefront will offer Georgetown students a convenient on-campus location to get tattoos in lieu of getting them out in the greater Washington, D.C. area. The Corp, while best known for its coffee and bagels, has been making strides to diversify the types of services that it offers. Corp Ink has already begun taking orders and has offered its first 20 customers a 50% discount off their tattoos for serving as training subjects for the new fully student-run staff.

When interviewed, an anonymous new staff member at Corp Ink stated, “I don’t really know anything about tattoos or design, but I got rejected from UG and Vittles so I figured this was my next best alternative. I’m just here to learn!”

Corp Ink will be open Sunday-Wednesday in the afternoons and will be open with extended hours until 4 a.m. on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights. A representative from Corp Marketing stated:  “After doing the research, we learned that 68 percent of the tattoos administered in the United States were done so between the hours of 1 a.m. and 4 a.m. Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights. We are still stumped as to why this is, but we are conducting more research to look into this inexplicable trend.”

Some of the most popular orders Corp Ink has already received are the famous Georgetown “G”, J.J eating a balloon, the classic lower back butterfly and a variety of Chinese characters that reportedly translate to “kumquat”, “chapstick”, and “otter.” (We at The Fourth Edition believe that these meanings were not the intention of the customer but will be permanently etched onto their skin anyway)

 

Notice: Front Page Fakeout is a parody post in which a 4E writer takes a story from the front page of The Hoya and puts an exaggerated and false spin on it. The Front Page Fakeout uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

Front Page Fakeout: Georgetown University Suspends All Student Activities

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Notice: Front Page Fakeout is a parody post in which a 4E writer takes a story from the front page of The Hoya and puts an exaggerated and ENTIRELY false spin on it. The Front Page Fakeout uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

 

After numerous fraternities, sororities and other unofficial Georgetown groups weren’t allowed to table inside of the Student Activities (SAC) Fair on Saturday, Georgetown University officials have decided to terminate all student clubs, groups, and activities until further notice.

According to an anonymous source in University President John J. DeGioia’s office: “The chaos at Saturday’s SAC Fair approached a level [comparable to] a Walmart full of overeager Christmas shoppers on Black Friday. Students were talking at an above ‘indoor voice’ level. As a necessary consequence to these unprecedented actions, we have decided to permanently halt student participation in campus activities.”

A detailed memo released by the Office of the Provost explains the timetable of activity shutdown: “All activities must cease by January 20, 2013, and all documents correlating to student groups must be burned, shredded, or tossed into the Potomac in a frantic and unstable manner by that date.” The memo from the provost also threatened that if any clubs are not in compliance with the timetable, former Secretary of State Madeline Albright will quit the faculty and personally burn down the Rafik B. Hariri Building.

Despite the impending stoppage of the more than 200 student groups on campus, students seem to be taking the news in stride. Georgetown University Student Association senator Jane Hoyason even seemed pleased with the activities halt. “To be quite honest, activities aren’t a big part of life here at GU. The students here are some of the laziest, most unsuccessful people in the world. So really, who gives a flyin’ hoot and a half?”

THIS…IS…THE FOURTH EDITION!!!!

”Remember to read us.”

As simple an order as an editor can give.

“Remember why we write.”

For we do not do it for shiggles, nor self-gratification, nor for our resumes, nor valor. Our wish is simple.

“Remember to read us,” I say to you.

That is our hope, should any free soul come across our blog, in all the countless semesters yet to be.

May all our sassy voices whisper to you from the computer screen.

“Go tell the Hoyas, passerby, that here by 4E law, we write.”

 

This is the blog’s 300th post!!! We’d like to thank you, the lovely readers for the upwards of 80,000 views, and all of the writers on the staff for giving us their snark and wit. REMEMBER TO READ US!