The New Year’s Resolutions You Won’t Keep

It is that time of the year again. A time of new beginnings, new memories, new laughs, and, most importantly, new resolutions. With each new year comes a new set of promises we Hoyas make to ourselves to make this coming year even better than the last. The thing is, however, we know we probably will not keep them. Here are some New Year’s resolutions you probably made to yourself that you know won’t make it to 2018.

I am going to eat healthy and go to Yates every day.

You get home for Christmas break and weigh yourself for the first time since August. You subsequently endure the 5 Stages of Grief. You promise yourself to live a ~healthy lifestyle~ in the spring semester. Three weeks into January you find yourself sitting in front of a plate of chicken fingers on a Thursday with no recollection of the last time you made it to the gym but also with no ragrets.

“Ohana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind.”

I will not drink Natty Lite or Burnett’s. 

After spending some time at home and drinking some classy wine and craft beer with your family (if you are 21 of course) you decide you are just too good for Natty and Burnett’s. I mean, what are you, a peasant? But, when you return to the Hilltop and take a look at the balance in your bank account you remember that you are indeed a peasant and quickly return to everyone’s drink of choice–whatever is cheapest.

I will do the readings for all my classes.

You coasted through the fall semester without doing the majority of the readings for the majority of your classes convinced you were gonna ace the class only to find a not so pleasant surprise on your final grade report. You think, “I probably should have done all those readings,” and you promise yourself this semester will be different. That is until you have to read 300 pages for tomorrow and its 11 pm all you have accomplished is taking one buzzed quick to find out what character from The Office you are based on your zodiac sign.

I am going to spend less money. 

Last semester you spent a little more than you should have, but this semester that is going to change. Who needs to eat out when you have Leo’s? Who needs to Uber when you can walk? Who needs Corona when you can have Natty? Oh wait…you do.

In all honesty, 4E wishes you all the best with your New Year’s resolutions. Lord knows we all need it.


A Guide to Fulfilling New Year’s Goals Quickly

Banner - New Years Guide

If you don’t make resolutions this New Years, you probably aren’t missing out. Not many people actually fulfill these often lofty or vague goals. Why? They set themselves up for failure. In order to achieve your resolutions, you ought to completely devote yourself to the cause. We at 4E have some suggestions on how to get some common resolutions accomplished, pronto:

home alone new years

  1. “Time to lose ten pounds”

How-to: chop off your non-dominant arm, get a significant haircut or stop going to Epi at 3 a.m. on the weekends!

chopped arm

  1. “I need to raise my GPA by .2”

How-to: avoid taking classes with harsh curves, stop studying on Lau 2 or transfer to a school without grade deflation!

  1. “I want to meet more people and be more social”

How-to: forgo the above goal, get to know your Uber driver (they’re all really cool) or claim ownership of a popular, non-embarassing Georgetown Confession!

  1. “I want to spend less of my money”

How-to: quit your job (you can’t spend money you don’t have), swipe into Leo’s once and stay there for multiple meals or “borrow” a parent’s credit card!

money shower
No – Don’t do this
  1. “I want to spend less time on social media”

How-to: deactivate your iPhone and go back to that flip phone that’s been under your bed for years, stop following DJ Khaled on Snapchat or unlike the Georgetown Confessions page.

Major key: delete him on snapchat
Major key: delete him on snapchat
  1. “Time to get that six-pack”

How-to: break up with Ben and/or Jerry, stop complaining about the uphill walk to Yates and start complaining about the uphill run to Yates or buy one if you’re 21+.


Best of luck reaching your goals in 2016!



The Hot or Not List of 2013

HOT OR NOTWith only hours to go until the clock strikes midnight and our New Year’s resolutions become valid, month-long attempts at self-improvement, 2013 is drawing to a close. It’s been quite the year, Hoyas – let’s take a closer (and quirkier) look at 2013’s best and worst:

The 4E Hot or Not List of 2013

What was Hot:

1. SNL’s Obamacare-inspired sketches. I was laughing for days.

2. The basil mayonnaise now being served on the panini line in Leo’s. You can put it on anything.

3. Beyoncé dropping a surprise album. Also the phrase “I woke up like this” that came along with the album.Beyonce

4. Thanksgiving and Hanukkah fusing to create a mega-holiday: Thanksgivukkah! Latke-stuffing anyone?

4. Miley Cyrus riding both a metaphorical and literal wrecking ball.

5.  Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina becoming the 266th Pope and the first Jesuit Pope. He was also named Person of the Year by Time Magazine because of how incredible he’s turning out to be. And we’re all pretty proud of this sick pic:


6. Wisey’s is delicious.

What Was Not:

1. The regular mayonnaise at Leo’s. Ew.

2. Georgetown lost our rival, Syracuse, as the Big East reorganized. What is a university full of rowdy basketball fans to do without someone to hate? (Actually, we still hate you, Syracuse.)

3. A sizable portion of Georgetown Confessions. Especially the ones that were so long that the “Read more” button was present. Keep your anonymous proclamations short and sweet, Georgetown.

4. Miley Cyrus riding both a metaphorical and literal wrecking ball.Miley Cyrus Wrecking Ball

5. Democrats and Republicans still don’t agree on a slew of issues.

6. Lau still exists.lauvert

So Leo’s still reeks, Lau is still ugly and Wisey’s can still make you fat. 2013 brought its own list of Hots and Nots on the Hilltop and 2014 is sure to bring its own, too. But hot or not, the Pope likes us guys – he really likes us! 

Photos:, The Guardian,,