Well, Halloweekend is quickly approaching, a time when you will reach both preak blood sugar and, most likely, blood alcohol content.
We all want a Halloweekend side bae, but finding that special person is difficult. Yes, there will be plenty of skeletons and witches, but you will most likely be unimpressed by their non-Georgetown themed costumes. We all know that a good side bae is one with a creative costume, like a sexy cat.
While you could tell her how much her whiskers accentuate her cheekbones for hours, she will, hopefully, not be impressed and you will need to come up with your next move.
Well friends, the 4E is here for you. As everyone knows, asking someone to Netflix and Chill is the most sure-fire way to gain their favor. In the spirit of the holiday, we offer you a list of movie suggestions that are sure to both make you seem highly cultured, and make your beloved cling to you in fright.
The Top 10 Halloween Movies You’ve Probably Never Heard Of:
Ranked in order of increasing spookiness
1. Clue: This 1985 cult classic, based on the eponymous board game, is funny, campy and has enough double entendres to get your Netflix and Chill session started off right.
Spooky Rating: 1 Pumpkin- Not at all spooky, despite the multiple murders.
2. Rubber: A telekinetic tire rolls around killing people. Stylish and weirdly unsettling, this one will make you give that spare tire a second glance.
Spooky Rating: 1 Pumpkin and 1 Ghost – In the words of the IMBD parents guide for this movie, “lots of humans and animals get blown the f*ck up.”
3. A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night: An Iranian Vampire Western. If that alone won’t get you enough hipster movie cred, it’s also in black and white with subtitles. It’s a romance too, so you know, that helps.
Spooky Rating: 3 Pumpkins – Black and white is spooky. So are vampires.
4. It Follows: Imagine hooking up with someone, only to find out that you’re now being followed by a murderous spirit. And now imagine that the only way to get rid of this spirit is to pass it on to someone else. Scary, am I right?
Spooky Rating: 2 Ghosts – There are some jump scares, and a spooky old woman.
5. Let the Right One In: Another vampire romance, this time with kids. Bonus points if you watch the original Swedish version.
Spooky Rating: 2 Ghosts and 1 Skull – Lots of gore. Lots of blood.
6. Teeth: This girl has teeth in, um, the worst place possible. Gives a whole new meaning to the word “maneater.”
Spooky Rating: 1 Screaming face and 1 Ghost – Not super scary, but as I’m sure you can imagine, there’s some injury to body parts that might make half of the population uncomfortable.
*Trigger Warning: This movie includes scenes of sexual assault*
7. Rosemary’s Baby: Roman Polanski’s 1968 horror classic makes me scared to ever buy an apartment. Plus: Young Mia Farrow. Minus: The actual devil. Bonus points if you call this one overrated, and can name at least one other Polanski movie you “think is better.”
Spooky Rating: 2 Skulls – Incredibly unsettling without relying on jump scares or special effects.
8. Titicut Follies: A 1967 documentary that unflinchingly shows the conditions inside a Massachusetts hospital for the criminally insane. Hint: they’re not great. Fun Fact: It has a 100% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Word of warning though, don’t share this fact unless you actually know what that means.
Spooky Rating: 4 Skulls – It’s scary because it’s real.
9. The Babadook: You remember those books you would have your parents read to you over and over again when you were a kid? Imagine one of those tries to kill you.
Spooky Rating: 5 Skulls – Guaranteed to make your intended cling to you in fear. May also give you a permanent fear of books and children, which is slightly less desirable.
10. Antichrist: Full disclosure: I watched this movie in the middle of the day on my laptop and, for 70% of it, I had my hands over my eyes. Which is a shame because, as much as it will f*ck you up, this film is absolutely gorgeous. The realistic scenes of graphic genital mutilation can be a bit of a mood killer, so I wouldn’t recommend this movie for a first date.
Spooky Rating: 2 Screaming Faces, 1 Devil, 4 Ghosts, and 3 Skulls – We had to make a new rating category for this movie because it is the absolute definition of 2spooky.
From all of us at the 4E, have fun, be careful and please don’t die this Halloweekend. Or do. It’s up to you.
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