Making The Best Of The Worst: Burnett’s Edition

You’ve just awoken on a Saturday morning from a night you care not to remember. You head downstairs to your kitchen, and lo and behold, someone left you some ~gifts~ you didn’t expect — Burnett’s, your favorite pal!

Beyond excited to have ended up with only the best and most delicious drink to grace our campus, you suddenly realize it’s not what you expected. You got the reject flavors.

While Burnett’s is known for creating wild nights, but it should be more well-known for some of the ridiculous flavors the people who want to end Earth as we know it its creators have chosen to produce over the years.

Those flops are unfortunately the ones your oh-so-generous friends left behind for you, but all is not lost! 4E is here to help you make the best of the worst and give you suggestions on how to keep the debauchery going.

Here’s our advice on how to consume:

  • Cucumber Lime. It’s Corona and Lime for a reason. Nobody ever asked for this. Cucumber and lime classically go with gin, so this is just a meager, failed attempt to reinvent the laws of mixology. If you’ve ever smelled the stench from a stinkbug, it’s not so different from the way this flavor smells.  Unfortunately, the only way to use this up is by covering up the taste in some sort of extreme jungle juice, where you can almost mask the flavor in your sorrows the taste of off-brand soda and random alcohols you found in the back of your fridge.

  • Maple Syrup. Aunt Jemima didn’t die for your sins so you could disrespect her delicious syrup by infusing it into an off-brand vodka. To be honest, this is like the Mrs. Butterworth’s of vodka: You simply are conditioned from birth to look down upon it and anyone that consumes it. If you’re ever ~low~ enough to actually buy this, you’ve hit rock bottom. However, this flavor is golden for a boozy brunch. Pour some into your syrup to get things started up for Homecoming or Georgetown Day — the more, the merrier.
  • Pumpkin Spice. It may be ~PSL SZN~, but that by no means justifies this atrocious flavor. There are some things that simply don’t go together, and pumpkin and vodka happen to be two of these things.  If you ~need~ to find a way to rid yourself of pumpkin spice Burnett’s, there is only one way — mix it with other alcohol. Since it’s such a unique flavor, no sodas or other traditional chasers are going to work, so mix equal parts Burnett’s and Rumchata or Baileys, depending on your preference. Serve chilled as shots or a festive cocktail.
  • Orange. Just call GERMS right now. I’m 100% convinced that this actually isn’t vodka but rather Mr. Clean Orange Floor Cleaner. There is simply no way this stuff is suitable for human consumption — which is tough to believe since citrus Burnett’s theoretically should be similar but is exponentially better. In any case, you definitely want to mix this with fruit juice. Try mixing 1-part Burnett’s to 1-part cranberry juice to 1-part Triple Sec to 2-parts orange juice for a floor-cleaning take on a margarita!

    When you take a shot of Orange Burnett’s
  • Limeade. Lime is definitely not the worst flavor, but take Burnett’s Lime, add green food coloring and a bit of Windex, and you have Burnett’s Limeade! This flavor is pretty hard to come by nowadays, and that’s definitely okay by us at 4E. In any case, you’re definitely going to want to stick with citrus. This mixes decently well with lemonade (disclaimer: this is a drink, not a song by Beyoncé). You’ll probably want to forget you went so low as to purchase green vodka, so try 3-parts Burnett’s to 2-parts lemonade. Throw some colored sugar on the rim just to be ~fancy~, and there you have it!

While they’re nothing like Citrus or Pink Lemonade, let’s hope that these ideas will help you stay lit get your creative juices flowing!

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, pinterest.com

The Best and Worst of Your Good Friend, Burnett’s

Georgetown BurnettsOur sweet love, Burnett’s. You’re there for the best of times. You’re there for the worst of times. You’re there for, and usually the cause of, the best of times that turn into the worst of times. For some strange reason (read: because of your low price), Hoyas love you. As the apt Marlene Cox and Lindsay Lee once commented, “Georgetown seems to be sponsored by Patagonia but powered by Burnett’s.” You are the wind beneath our wings, the source of all our stumbles– no. Burnett’s, you are our everything

Oh, who are we kidding? Most of your drinks taste like a mix of turpentine and gasoline. And quite frankly, that’s a lot of bad drinks: including plain vodka, you currently have 30 flavors of vodka beverages on the market. The majority of these are sub-par! We aren’t sure if some of them are really even vodka. Sometimes we don’t know whether to drink them or to do acid-base testing with them. But that’s why we’re here. We at The Fourth Edition have compiled a “Rookie’s Guide to Burnett’s.” We’ll tell you which flavors to buy, which flavors to never lay eyes on, and how to make the best Burnett’s beverages. (Just remember, you are working with Burnett’s… don’t expect any miracles.)

The “Best” 

1. Citrus – According to the Most Interesting Man in the World, “Normally I’d never touch a bottle of Burnett’s, but when I do, I drink Burnett’s Citrus.” If you want the most versatile Burnett’s flavor and the most bang for your buck, go for the citrus. Add it to lemonade, add it to orange juice or add it to iced tea. But for the classiest citrus beverage in town, try the Citrus Cooler. Add 1.5 oz (a shot) of Burnett’s Citrus with equal parts lemonade, cranberry juice, and club soda. Want to take it to another level? Garnish with a lemon wedge. It’s so tasty you’ll almost think you’re drinking Smirnoff.

2. Lime – Burnett’s Lime is a close second to it’s cousin, the aforementioned Citrus. Lime is actually almost as flexible as Citrus. In fact, we’d put it at number one, but Citrus sounds classier than Lime and we had to make a judgment somehow. Our favorite use of Burnett’s Lime is a secret recipe that we 4E-ers call the Fruit Fuzion. Take 1.5 oz of Burnett’s Lime and add equal parts of Strawberry Melon Fuze and sparkling limeade. So yummy, it’s practically sub-lime. (Get it? Lime?!) Note: please do not confuse this with Burnett’s Limeade. Yes. Burnett’s does make both. And yes, we think it’s stupid, too.

3. Pear – We know. Game changer. You thought we would go for Raspberry. At first, we thought we would too. But there’s just something about Burnett’s pear– dare we say a freshness?– that makes it so irresistible. We just love our PearBerry coolers: Add 1.5 oz of Burnett’s Pear to equal parts cranberry-raspberry juice and club soda. It’s fruity. It’s fresh. It’s fun. It will probably make you black out, so be careful.

The Worst

1. Maple Syrup – Yes, Burnett’s makes a vodka that is flavored like Maple Syrup. No, you should never drink it. It is inexcusable. It is wrong. It is wretched. Don’t even look at it. If you need maple syrup that desperately, go to Vermont or Canada or something. Just whatever you do, don’t buy this liquor. EVER.

2. Grape – Don’t do it. If you haven’t already guessed, it doesn’t taste like grapes. It tastes like cough medicine gone bad. It tastes like the devil. It tastes like stale purple drank, just without the hallucinogenic effects. According to every Jesuit on Georgetown’s campus, “Burnett’s Grape is a sin and, if you drink it, God will spite you.” Don’t mess with God. Don’t drink Burnett’s Grape.

3. Hot Cinnamon – Ew. Just chew some Big Red gum instead. Your mouth will already be burning from the poor quality Burnett’s alcohol, so why would you want to intensify that burning with cinnamon? Remember that old Apple Jacks commercial where it would say “Cinnamon is dee winna, ‘mon”? Cinnamon is not dee winna, ‘mon. It is the loser. And you will be the loser, too. This may be a highly contended choice for “The Worst”, because some people just love this stuff, but I call the shots here (Get it? Shots?).

Stay responsible, Hoyas.

Photo edit: Lindsay Lee/The Hoya