It’s officially February, and you know what that means: studying for midterms, distracting fellow Hoyas with your nonstop coughing in class and, of course, planning for Valentine’s Day! Valentine’s Day is the perfect opportunity to finally make your move and we here at 4E have come up with some surefire ways to make your date night a total success. Check out our definitive list of ~The Most Romantic Valentine’s Day Movies of All Time~ to impress your future Hoya spouse:
Yes, Leonardo DiCaprio has sadly gone from “certified heartthrob” to “creepy guy who asks you how old you are at the homecoming tailgate,” but it’s easy to ignore that precipitous decline when you see him on screen in this late-90s classic. Celine Dion? Drawing people like French girls? Drowning? Could it be any more romantic? (Yes, that was a Chandler reference — be sure to do that exact impression at some point during your date to keep up the whole 90s theme.)
Call Me By Your Name
Armie Hammer? Timothée Chalamet? Say no more.
When Harry Met Sally
This one scores big on the Romance Scale for the simple fact that Harry is played by the same guy who voices Mike Wazowski. That’s really going to set the mood you’re looking for. You’re welcome.
Gone With the Wind
This movie is a great way to let your potential bae know that you’re “majoring in English and minoring in Film”. Alternatively, if you’re still trying to keep up the whole “I’m going to land a Goldman internship” charade, we suggest you watch something else.
St. Elmo’s Fire
A Georgetown Classic. Rob Lowe’s character is 100 percent the kind of Hoya who gets way too into Jersey Night and exclusively communicates using the phrases “u up?”, “wyd” and “come to New South”. Demi Moore is also there, along with 3/5 of The Breakfast Club cast. Fun. Diverse. Romantic!
She’s the Man
The greatest movie of all time? We think so. If your date doesn’t understand “how they don’t just realize that Amanda Bynes is clearly a girl”, she’s too young for you, bro.
Also, if anyone has any idea where Amanda Bynes is these days, please contact the staff here at 4E ASAP. We are very concerned and miss her terribly.
Fun fact: When he was 39, Jerry Seinfeld dated a 17-year-old who attended GWU. Seriously, google it. What a classic #DC romance! This is the perfect movie if your date is a much older sitcom star.
*[Insert Wisey’s Rat joke here]
**Yes I know Stuart is technically a “mouse” and not a “rat”, but let’s be honest, you’d still call facilities if you saw that thing anywhere near your apartment.
Spy Kids 2
Spy Kids 2? I know what you’re thinking. Yes, itmust be Spy Kids 2, not Spy Kids 1. This one has Steve Buscemi AND Emily Osment. And if you’re date has the audacity to suggest you watch Spy Kids 3? Get out of there before it’s too late. Also, the girl who plays Carmen is now married to Carlos from Big Time Rush and the guy who plays Juni is engaged to Meghan Trainor. Be sure to mention this to your date so they know you keep up with all the latest political news.
So there you have it, kids. You can’t go wrong with a single one of these movies this Valentine’s Day. Good luck, Hoyas!
After having a ~fun~ night filled with about seven too many shots of lime Burnett’s, we all somehow inevitably end up at Epi. At this point, it’s a Georgetown tradition to drunkenly eat way more chicken quesadillas than our stomachs can possibly hold. Of course, though, while enjoying the food and ambiance of Epicurean, we are also bound to eavesdrop overhear some rather interesting conversations:
The Drunken Breakups
I’ve witnessed an abnormal amount of drunken breakups occur at Epi in my first year. The first one takes the prize for being the most entertaining to watch…
(I know, I know. I’m a horrible person sometimes, but aren’t we all?)
I remember sitting down in an Epi booth my first weekend at Georgetown and hearing, “BUT I STILL LOVE YOU.” Five seconds into the conversation, I was seriously invested. I did what anyone would do: I casually looked over. Picture it: A blatantly sober girl near tears and a blatantly drunk boy staring at his phone.
The awkward tension — filled with silent pauses, quiet sniffles and violently fast texting noises — was finally brought to an end when the girl slammed her hands down on the table and screamed, “JUST LOOK AT ME AND TALK TO ME.”
By this point, the horrible part of me was quite invested as I tried to sneakily watch this intense showdown while scarfing down my quesadilla. It was as though a staged and poorly-acted reality TV show was unfolding before me — truly the best late night entertainment.
But that’s not all. Perhaps the best — or worst, depending on how good of a human being you are — part was when the guy suddenly looked up at his supposed girlfriend, held his phone out and asked: “Hey, isn’t this girl hot?”
He paused to glance around as if he knew he had gathered an audience by this point and said, “We should probably end things now.”
All I can say is RIP to that relationship.
Unless you brought your own silverware to college and never have to worry about being out of forks, knives and spoons, you’ve probably suffered while trying to eat a midnight snack.
Often, I find myself laying in bed, watching “That 70’s Show,” too lazy to make my way over to Leo’s. So, naturally, I make myself some Easy Mac, only to realize I am forkless.
More often than I’d like to admit, I wander into Epi in the late hours of the night, making my way over to the silverware section while waiting for food. Naturally, I ask myself what any sane and reasonable person would ask at 1 a.m.: “How many forks should I steal?”
I’m not alone. Just last week, I heard another girl ask her friend that question. The girl then proceeded to grab a fistful of forks and carelessly stuff them in the pockets of her jeans. Stay classy, Georgetown.
“Hey, can I have a bite of that?”
I’d like to think all of us are giving, caring people who would help out a friend in need. Unfortunately, my giving, caring soul suddenly turns into an evil teenage girl when my food is at stake.
Imagine this: A girl sits down in a drunken stupor, happily gazing at a perfect grilled cheese. She picks it up, about to take the most satisfying bite when her friend taps her shoulder, his face moving close to her food while saying, “Hey, can I have a bite of that?”
Then without waiting for a proper response, he takes a gigantic bite out of her sandwich. That was probably the first time my heart actually broke. I’ve never felt so bad for another person.
I think we can come to the general consensus that the most profound, enlightening and insightful of conversations occur at Epi in the wee hours of the morning. And remember, if you want to steal all the plastic forks and spoons, bring a bag.
College is a time of great uncertainty. Everyday, we ask ourselves: “What will I do with my life?” “Who will I be when I grow up?” “Why did I decide to major in English?”
We know these questions might seem scary, but 4E is here to help you procrastinate writing that essay for another five minutes discover who you really are. Take this quiz, and finally find an answer to the timeless question:
We at Georgetown have a unique way of doing just about everything. From bragging about being busy, to blowing up our favorite sandwich shop for falling victim to the ~Great Wisey’s Rat Scandal of 2017~, Hoyas have many strange ways. In 4E’s latest exposé, we learned this extends to Tinder. Here are the steps you take as a Hoya when you see a fellow Hilltopper on everyone’s favorite dating app:
Check your mutual friends:This is the most pivotal step. The last thing you want to do is swipe right on someone that you will 100% actually come into ~real-life~ human contact with. That’s not the point of Tinder. If you two have more than 20 mutual friends, you might actually know this person: you had deep, meaningful conversations with met a lot of people during NSO.
Make sure she’s not the girl that sometimes sits next to you during CPS recitation: I know you can’t quite remember what that girl looks like. You know she has brown hair. Wait, maybe she has blond hair? I’m pretty sure her name is Catherine. Or Katie? Caitlyn???? Nah, this isn’t her.
Read her bio:The bio can give you vital clues in your quest to figure out if you know this girl or not. She’s from New Jersey. She’s a Gov major and an Econ minor. She really likes Netflix. She’s so chic just like literally every girl you’ve met since you’ve been here.
Stare at her for another minute: This is the last step in making sure you do not know this girl. It’s always good to squint, and turn your phone brightness all the way up.
Double-triple check that it’s not your biology TA: It could be. You’ve only been to recitation like twice.
Swipe right: You’re now sufficiently positive that you have never met this girl and will probably not meet her in the near future. She’s perfect to swipe right on. I hope you guys match, see each other one night on a Vil A rooftop, and awkwardly not to talk to each other.
Yes, it’s sadly still midterm season, which means that you’re probably reading this article on Lau 2 while simultaneously crafting a last-minute email to your professor begging for an extension. But now it’s time for you to take a break from the stress and completely ignore all your responsibilities, because #HoyaHomecoming is officially upon us. In honor of the one day a year we can kind of act like a state school, we here at 4E have complied a helpful guide to make sure that your Homecoming experience is a success.
Remember: It’s a Marathon, Not a Sprint
Look, we’ve all been there: You and 20 of your closest friends are crammed into a 12×15 foot dorm room. You’re looking ~fresh~ in your very original, one-of-a-kind, totally unique Georgetown basketball jersey. Your signature song (“Hips Don’t Lie” by Shakira) is playing, and that cutie from your Econ class is definitely taking notice of your impressive dabbing ability. Needless to say, the pregame is ~lit~. And at some point, this level of “litness” will likely inspire you to “go all out” for #HoyaHomecoming and do one of the following: A) Take way too many shots of Fireball B) Take way too many shots of Lime Burnett’s or C) Chug an entire can of Four Loko.
As you consider your options, 4E is here to give you some friendly advice: DON’T DO IT. Under the florescent lights of that sweaty dorm room, we know it may seem like a good idea, but trust us, in a few hours, you will come to the painful realization that it was not. The key to a successful Homecoming is to pace yourself. Unlike a normal night out, you will be expected both to stay awake for more than four hours and to functionally interact with actual adults in a non-Piano-Bar-setting. Neither of those things will be possible if you achieve maximum “litness” at 9 a.m. And as you make your decisions about how much to drink throughout the rest of the day, just remember that while Homecoming may be temporary, Snapchat screenshots are forever.
Love Thy Neighbor.
If you remember anything from last year’s homecoming, you’ll remember that our neighbors literally hate us. And noise. And alcohol. And anything even remotely resembling fun. So despite the fact that they knew ~Georgetown~ University was located here when they made the decision to move to ~Georgetown~, they will not hesitate to call the feds S.N.A.P.S on us if they catch the slightest whiff of Burnett’s or hear even the faintest hint of “Mr. Brightside” coming from a townhouse. Unfortunately for many of our readers out there, what this means is that most of your upperclassman friends will probably not be cool with you and every other member of Darnall 5 crashing their party.
But don’t worry! Getting rejected from and/or getting kicked out of at least one party is basically a #HoyaHomecoming rite of passage. And there are still plenty of other fun ways for you to spend your day! You can wander aimlessly around the neighborhood and engage in some classic Georgetown traditions, such as sprinting away from GUPD cars, getting yelled at by old people who may or may not be John Kerry, and searching for half-empty cans of Natty that have been discarded on the street.
Back on campus, you can easily sneak into pay for a ticket to the tailgate on Regents lawn- here you can do some cool stuff like get a sunburn and make awkward small talk with alumni while you wait in the food line for 20 minutes. And of course, if all else fails, we’ll always have the Vil A rooftop. Nothing says #HoyaHomecoming quite like gazing out at that beautiful Arlington skyline as you watch your classmates come dangerously close to falling over the railing.
Water. Food. Rest. Repeat.
Remember what I said earlier about pacing yourself? I can already tell that you didn’t listen to me. Now you’re exhausted, your phone is dead, and you’re sitting on the floor of a New South bathroom, wondering where it all went wrong. You’ve managed to lose both your dignity and your GoCard- and it’s still only noon. Bet you don’t feel so “lit” anymore, huh? But don’t despair – 4E is here to save you! First, you need to walk/crawl to the nearest vending machine/sink/Dahlgren Fountain, and HYDRATE. You are in desperate need of H2O. Drink up.
Next, you need to eat something that will help counteract the consequences of that last Natty you ~regrettably~ decided to shotgun. If you can’t talk your way back into the tailgate to acquire some free pizza, we recommend you stick with what you know and head on over to Wisey’s. After all, the best Chicken Madnesses are the ones you don’t remember eating.
Finally, your phone isn’t the only thing that needs to recharge. Whether it’s in your own bed or in the middle of Healy Lawn, you need to take a power nap. Find a spot, tell a friend to wake you up in an hour and pass out. Don’t worry, the Vil A rooftop isn’t going anywhere. There will be plenty more opportunities to embarrass yourself when you wake up.
As a distinguished member of the class of ‘85 drunkenly yelled at me during Homecoming last year once told me, college is the best four years of your life. I know this may not seem true as you stress-cry while writing a paper on Lau 2 at 4 a.m., but Homecoming gives you the perfect opportunity to rediscover why you first fell in love with Georgetown all those year(s) ago. So don’t be afraid to belt out the (probably wrong) lyrics to the fight song when someone inevitably starts up a bad acapella rendition in the middle of a party. Don’t be afraid to make valuable future business connections new friends as you wait in line for food at the tailgate. Don’t be afraid to break your wrist from falling off of the John Carrol statue while trying to take that perfect #HoyaHomecoming Instagram.
Because we here at 4E want to let you in on a secret: our sources can confirm that the real world is a scary place. Apparently, once you turn 23, it is suddenly no longer acceptable to sleep until 2 p.m. every day, or eat chicken fingers for every meal, or religiously attend an event called “Jersey Night” every Wednesday. And so, my fellow students, be sure to enjoy every moment of your time here on the Hilltop. And to all the alumni out there reading this guide with a mix of shock, nostalgia, and anticipation, we leave you with the immortal words of Saint John Thompson Jr: “If I can’t go to Heaven, take me back to Georgetown.”
See you soon, and Hoya Saxa.
P.S: Please actually make good choices! And remember that GERMS can always be reached at 202-687-4357.
Did Valentine’s Day remind you of your single status? Did it spur you to re-download Tinder? Or prompt you to give Bumble a try? If so, then the members of 4E feel your heart-throbbing pain and we’ve created a Dating App Profile Picture Guide that will have all the cuties swiping right into your heart.
1. No mirror selfies.
You have friends. Find them. Have them take your picture because to be honest that mirror flash is hurting everyone’s eyes.
2. Do not submit to the subdivision of mirror selfie: The Muscle Flash.
Why is you shirt off? Why is your shirt half on? Are you getting dressed? Looks like we are all confused. Let’s at least have a conversation before you start taking off your clothes.
3. Have a picture with friends.
It can be a picture with one friend, a group of friends, paid or bribed friends. It can even be a full on awkward group photoshoot on a couch in front of a fountain. Just let the world know that you are not a psycho.
4. Have at least one picture of just you.
Don’t hide yourself in a sea of friends. Believe it or not, people actually want to be able to identify who they are swiping right on.
I know! Shocker! But seriously, a genuine smile is way more #fresh and #cool than a deep soul searching scowl.
6. Express your interest.
Do you like to ride bikes? Go hiking? Play basketball? See daylight? Express that! Change it up with some active pictures to let people know you do occasionally leave your house.
7. Avoid old exes in pictures.
Is that your sister? Your ex? Over-touchy cousin? It’s best to just not confuse all of us.
8. Have more than one picture.
You should probably have more than one picture of yourself. Unless, you believe in soul-theft through photography, in which case you should probably avoid technology altogether.
9. Include a dog.
You can never go wrong with a cute dog cuddle pic. In fact, the more dogs the better.
The 36 questions are broken down into three parts. As you complete each section, the questions will get more and more intimate. If at any point in the in the questionnaire you feel uncomfortable, you may cease and desist. If this is your decision, we at 4E ask that you leave your partner without any notice in order to ensure that you two will avoid eye contact if you ever just so happen to be crossing Healy Lawn at the same time ever again.
Why not ask that special someone to a coffee date, a romantic night at Domino’s Pizza or a stroll to the benches in front of Dahlgren Chapel, just to set the mood? Take a chance on love and ask them these 36 questions. After all, love doesn’t just happen; it’s a choice.
*Disclaimer: 4E is not responsible for any unsuccessful love stories, as this is not a scientific study backed by any supporting evidence. However, we will take full credit if you do find love using our methods. We welcome you to send all complaints and/or suggestions to email@example.com.*
Given the choice of any person in the world, who would you like to be your “Problem of God” professor?
Would you like to be Georgetown famous? In like a “mentioned on Georgetown Confessions” way? Or maybe in a “God, can you believe he wrote a confession about himself?” kind of way?
Before putting in your order at the pasta line at Leo’s, do you ever rehearse what you’ll say to the jolly employee?
When did you last “accidentally” order two quesadillas at Epi for yourself?
If you make it big in the real world, what will be the first thing you give to Georgetown’s campus that it so desperately needs?
Do you have a secret hunch about why Rhino closed despite it’s undeniable earning power among Hoyas both above and underage?
On the count of three, name your go-to Wisey’s order.
What flavor of Burnett’s are you most grateful for?
If you could change anything about your time on the Hilltop, what would it be?
Take 90 seconds to tell your partner how Quick Pita positively impacted your life before its passing.
If you could wake up tomorrow with the power to change one thing permanently at Georgetown, what would it be? Part II
If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, would you want to know if you’re working at Goldman Sachs, Deloitte or Teach for America?
Is there a place on campus you’ve dreamed of taking that special someone to for a long time? Why don’t you lead them to Reiss rooftop right now?
Without naming any clubs you finally got into, classes you aced or the number of chicken fingers you can down on Chicken Finger Thursday, what has been the greatest accomplishment of your Hoya existence?
What do you value more in a roommate: cleanliness or their number of housing points?
What is your most treasured memory that occurred after 11 p.m. on a Thursday night?
What is your most terrible memory that occurred after 11 p.m. on a Thursday night?
Knowing that graduation is looming, what is stopping you from going after the Hoya that got away?
What did/does your friendship with your freshman year roommate mean to you?
Has your love and affection for our men’s basketball team, despite the heartbreak inflicted, had a positive effect on your Georgetown experience?
Alternate sharing something you consider a positive side effect of living in D.C. Share three items each.
How tight-knit was your freshman floor? Do you feel that your freshman year experience on Darnall 6 was happier than that of most other Hoyas?
On a scale of 1 to 10, how close are you with your dean? Part III
Make three “we” statements with your partner. For example, “We at this bench have both stolen rolls of toilet paper from Regents and smuggled them out under our Barbour jackets.”
Finish this sentence on the count of three: “I wish someone at Georgetown had told me … ” *Editor’s note – Do not both say your wish out loud at the same time. This will cancel out all wish-granting or time-travelling powers from the ghost of John Carroll who will be listening in from the clock tower.*
Take turns sharing the basis, and then nitty-gritty details of the personal essay you submitted in your original Georgetown application.
After taking one minute to dig through your memory bank, tell your partner about the first time that you saw them on campus. Be very honest as you explain what your first impression of your partner was.
Share with your partner when or if this first impression changed.
When was the first time you cried because Georgetown, in all its glory and madness, got the best of you?
Tell your partner what you admire most about them.
What, if anything, do you think Hoyas should care more about?
Imagine that you are at the Lincoln Memorial watching the sunrise on the morning of your graduation. You will never again be surrounded by all your fellow classmates in one spot ever again. What is one thing you regret not having told someone, be they a friend or a face in the crowd who never became anything more?
Why haven’t you told the aforementioned person what you think yet?
Of all your friends, colleagues, professors, Jesuits or four-legged friends on the Hilltop, who are you most afraid of losing, metaphysically or metaphorically?
Stand up and grab your partners’ hands in your own. Set a timer and stare into each others eyes soundlessly for 228 seconds, one for every year of Georgetown’s existence.
Thank you for your participation! Now get over to Tombs and laugh about how silly that was. Or, maybe it wasn’t. Best of luck.
Down with capitalistic consumer culture that tells us that showering in materialism one day a year is a necessary approach to demonstrating our care for a significant other! Down with societal expectations that promote monogamy, heteronormativity and tacky, giant, useless teddy bears bound for eventual landfill!
Why just celebrate one person one day a year when you are surrounded by people and things worth loving every day, all of the time?!
Here’s 4E’s take on things that are truly worthy of love and celebration this Valentine’s Day:
The Smithsonian Museum of African American History and Culture
Lau’s book request system
If you’re still reading this and feel as though your qualms for the holiday have not subsided, here’s a list of things you might not love, but nonetheless could make you more grateful today for the things that you do love.
There are many painful realities of growing up. At a certain point, you are expected to make your own doctors’ appointments, have a Linkedin profile, pay for the Christmas presents that you are giving, proofread your own emails and put someone other than your mom down as your emergency contact. One of the most regrettable hallmarks of ~adulthood~ is the point at which Valentine’s Day goes from being a lovely holiday where you exchange candy with each of your fellow third grade classmates, to a day of overrated expectations
(Not to mention the societal expectation that you have one singular valentine, which means that you are only receiving candy from ONE person… Who decided this was the norm?)
While the prospect of Valentine’s Day is typically met with groans, chocolate and wine have gone on sale at CVS and this opportunity must be capitalized on, regardless of your relationship status. Whether your valentine is your wife of 50 years, your dog, your BFF, your serious boyfriendTM, or (treat) yourself, 4E is here to help you show the important people in your life how much they mean to you.
1. Bake a cake
I HIGHLY recommend putting your love into homemade, edible, frosted form. Impress your beloved with your ability to maneuver a questionable common room kitchen. Judge whether or not your Tinder date is truly a “match” by how compatible your cake preferences are!
*If they think that red velvet is clothing material, call GUPD asap*
Frost out a romantic haiku to let a special someone on the Hilltop know how you feel. Take away: baking is a fast and foolproof way to just about anyone’s heart.
2. Sing a Taylor Swift song
T-Swizzle’s canon of relationship woes has plenty of material for all relationship statuses. What better way to celebrate your favorite mushy-gushy holiday than whipping out some T. Swift circa-2008 hits? Maybe you have a relationship serious enough to merit a re-enactment of the “You Belong with Me” music video. Or maybe you and your gal-entines are belting out “Teardrops on My Guitar” in between sips of rosé. Thank you, Taylor, for providing us with this kind of versatility.
3. Go out to eat
4E prohibits any semblance of a Leo’s date on February 14th. Nothing says “I love you” like taking a break from the meal plan together. Good news: as good as Leo’s Chicken Finger Thursday is, the bar has been set low. As long as you’ve made reservations, it’s hard to go wrong here. Whether you’re going to be proposing at 1789, or you and your best friend plan on ordering all of the Good Stuff milkshakes together, good food is a power move.
4. Steal the Hope diamond
We live in Washington D.C., people! You have the Smithsonian Natural History Museum at your disposal and little blue boxes can’t compete with Countess Mona von Bismarck’s sapphire necklace. Perfect gift for your history buff S.O., but maybe not so perfect for your Intro to Ethics crush who’s a proponent of altruism.