I understand that all you want to do is impact change on the Georgetown community in your own respective ways, and I wholeheartedly support and appreciate your dedication to being men and women for others. However, as a potential voter, I feel as if a lot of my needs aren’t being met. I thought this open letter would be a good forum for us to hash a few things out. Hopefully we’ll see eye-to-eye by the end of it. As in, Wednesday night.
The Top 5 Reasons I’m Just Not That Into You
1. “Vote for (Insert Here)” While this sentence makes me aware that you want my vote, my third grade grammar workbook informs me that this is an imperative sentence. My problem with this is that I have a lot of excess teenage angst in my system and I don’t like being told what to do. Maybe you could rephrase it. For example, “Vote for (Insert Here), if you’re into that.” Alternatively, “Vote for (Insert Here). Don’t vote for (Insert Here). Do what you want. This is America.”
2. Door-to-Door Knocking I only open my door for two reasons: class and the promise of food. Your campaign is offering me neither of those things. Let me paint a picture for you. I’m in my room, vulnerable and nine times out of 10 watching cat videos on YouTube. Then, along you come and disturb the peace. I’ll open the door and listen to your spiel because I’m awkward and overly polite, but I won’t like it.
3. Paper products After you’ve interrupted my shut-in lifestyle with your presence, then you want to push all these fliers and pamphlets all up on me. Come on now. It’s 2014. Go green. Go social media. We’re millennials. If it’s not a gif, a blog post or a blog post with gifs in it, I’m not interested. Social media is your friend. I can throw your paper products in the recycling bin as soon as you leave. You know what I won’t throw away? My laptop.
4. Candy Let’s talk about your sales pitch. If I’m going to stand in my doorway and listen to you drone on about yourself without even asking about how my day went, I would like incentives. Incentives of the food variety. Candy. I’m not talking about lollipops either. Lollipops are weak. I’m talking about premium chocolates. Specifically, Godiva. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Alexis, we have a budget. Be reasonable.” NO EXCUSES. If you adopt the social media marketing strategy I mentioned earlier or even take it a step further and pull a Beyoncé: The Visual Album and tell no one you’re running, imagine all the money you’d have to allocate to chocolate.
5. Beyoncé Do not promise something that you can not deliver. I understand that you’re trying to keep your campaign fun by capitalizing on the fact the Beyoncé is American royalty, but no. Stop teasing me: A vote for you is not a vote for Beyoncé. Beyoncé regularly visits that great big White House down the road. She is serious. There is no making light about affiliations with Queen. If someone ever spotted her at Saxby’s, I’d without a doubt skip classes in hopes of casually running into her and becoming Blue Ivy’s nanny. You’re playing with my dreams, people. Not cool.
Thank you for reading this and I hope we can resolve these issues before election day. After all, I vote Wednesday.
Gifs: tumblr.com, wordpress.com; Photo: weheartit.com, gustudentassociation.org