Other Things at Georgetown That Should Be Fired

We were beginning to think change was impossible. That was, of course, until it happened yesterday. Coach John Thompson III was not able to answer the question “Who Do You Know Here?” and was denied entrance at the door to another season at the helm of Georgetown basketball.

While the announcement was certainly shocking, if completely justified, it was more than just someone getting fired. This means that change is possible at Georgetown. Let’s ride the wave and get rid of the people at Georgetown responsible for other grave injustices:

  1. FIRE the person in charge of sending GUPD updates. What ever happened to the emails about drunk people waking up in the wrong bed and punching someone? Then there was the time when someone was kidnapped and we didn’t even hear about it. Change is needed.

    Pictured: current reputation of GUPD
  2. FIRE SNAPS. Do you have nothing better to do on a Friday night than break up a party that probably wasn’t good in the first place? Our tuition dollars are literally being spent to reduce the party scene.
  3. FIRE the architect of Lau. This is probably somewhat irrelevant, but just as a preventative measure, his or her professional license should be confiscated. Our skyline would have been so perfect if it weren’t for a building that is as soul-sucking as it looks.

    NO!
  4. FIRE the people who don’t pick up their omelets. All we can ask for at a Leo’s dining ~experience~ is to be lucky enough not to see a mouse and a timely produced omelet. Nobody likes long lines. Help make this a reality.
  5. FIRE the founder of Instructional Continuity. Who in John Carroll’s name ever signed off that this was a good idea? I dare the administration to put out a survey about students’ and teachers’ satisfaction around this perversion of the education system.
  6. FIRE professors that don’t round grades up. It’s not even about common courtesies; it’s about properly representing numbers. One rounds 8.6 to 9.0 so why isn’t an 86 an A-?
  7. FIRE Saxanet. If I lose my progress while working on something one mor..

Photos/Gifs: tumblr.com, giphy.com, memecrunch.com, Rachel Skaar/The Hoya

What to Do After Getting Rejected from Piano Bar

After everyone’s favorite grimy bar got raided a few too many times and decided to be a whole lot pickier about who they let in, a lot of underage Georgetown students are left wondering – what next? Where else can I spend my Wednesday nights partying? Is there another spot I can flock to on a typical dead Georgetown Friday night? While no one has come up with a perfect solution yet, here are 4E’s 7 alternatives to Piano Bar.

  1. If you’re still looking to go out and have a good time, try Chi Di! What’s one rejection when you can have two in one night? Have you gotten a little too comfortable with your fake? Definitely give it a go despite multiple texts reporting cops surrounding the club.
  2. A rejection from Chi Di not enough to kill your party mood? The next move is a random club in downtown DC. You’re guaranteed to meet people almost twice your age, and if you wait in line long enough, you might even get to realize that Ultra is not nearly as large as they make it out to be. 
  3. However, if you’re a homebody and trying to stay near campus, why not try CVS on Wisconsin? I’m not kidding; this place is a goldmine. They have everything from snacks, to makeup, to Donald Trump shot glasses!
  4. Why not make it an early night at Epi? Sometimes Epi is more lit than the party (or in this case, Piano) itself. You’re guaranteed to see at least one person you know (and you know you wanted that quesadilla more than you wanted to be sweating it out on the dirty dance floor of Piano anyway).
  5. If you’re the typical Georgetown student who likes to talk about how much work they have, but never actually does it, why not spend the extra time studying? I hear (but don’t know from personal experience) Lau is open 24 hours a day. You can probably get some quality work done, considering your of age peers will be enjoying the bar you couldn’t get into. 
  6. Go to bed. Literally every single time I ask someone how they’re doing, they say tired. Instead of taking laps around Piano and waiting for the bartender to notice you until 2 AM, why not get some quality sleep in? Maybe the next day you won’t have to ban your roommate from drying her hair so that you can nap (sorry, Chiara!). 
  7. Stay in! Why risk it? It’s much safer to be caught partying by your RA than by the police. Grab some friends and have a good old sleepover filled with rounds of “Never Have I Ever” and “Truth or Dare.” I promise you’ll learn more about them that way than shouting over Piano’s sometimes cringey, sometimes decent music. These are just a few ideas for what you can do after being rejected from Piano, but feel free to explore other alternatives. Whatever you decide, 4E hopes you stay safe out there in this newly dangerous Georgetown bubble.

Gifs: giphy.com

Judging You, Judging Your Laptop Stickers

Remember decorating lockers in middle school? Laptop stickers are the college version of this timeless activity.  But now, instead of decorating a metal cubby that you once saw in a photo from 1973 , you’re decorating an expensive computer that you’ll rely on for at least 4 years. What do your stickers (or things that you thought would make you seem cool, let’s be real) say about you?

But first, the basics:

  • No stickers? Congrats, you’re a full-blown adult. We’re all proud. Stop reading this and go back to The Wall Street Journal.
  • Stickers on a laptop case? Just like me with my constantly changing major, you’re unwilling to commit.
  • Stickers on the laptop? Bold. Determined. Committed to your ideals. Really sorry, but you might not be the next President after all.

The stickers themselves:

  • Hamilton-related: Yep, you’re part of the problem. Good job, liberal elite.
  • GoPro: How was your last ski vacation? I’m sure that you looked super cool with that camera on your helmet. Can I see the video? Was there a soundtrack?
  • H*yas for Choice: We’re all fans. But are you really in the club? Thinking that the answer is no.
  • Anything “The Office”-related: Congrats on loving such an obscure show!

  • GUAFSCU/GUSIF: You’re impressive. I understand. You crushed that application and business professional attire.
  • “Oh, Kale Yeah!”: Are you vegan? LMK. @vegans_at_leos.
  • Hillary Clinton campaign: Leave that one up until it fades to nothing, please.
  • Patagonia, or a variation on their logo:  Thank you for supporting this grassroots company, you’re really helping them get off the ground and make a difference in society. Also, it’s super cool that the logo was modified to fit the mountain that you visited recently, how unique!
  • Hometown sticker: Home is where the heart is! Which right now, realistically, is in your laptop, so this fits!

Photos/gifs: giphy.com, flickr.com

Guide to Laufits

It’s officially midterm season, which means that there’s a good chance you’re procrastinating by reading this article somewhere in Lau. And if you’re searching for some more ways to avoid doing work, look no further: here’s a refresher on the five types of “Laufits” most frequently seen in everyone’s favorite architectural monstrosity.

1. The “Kendall Jenner”

The basic look: Heels. A “going out” top. Jeans that cost more than your meal plan. Something cool like a hat or red lipstick that you definitely couldn’t pull off if you tried.

When they’re not busy making you feel bad about the fact that you noticeably haven’t washed your hair in several days, the owner of this outfit can usually be found making the awkward walk from the elevators to Midnight look like a graceful strut down a fashion week runway. There’s a good chance that you follow them on Instagram. There’s a better chance that they do not follow you back.

2. The “Intern”

The basic look: J. Crew. Ann Taylor. Brooks Brothers. A Capitol Hill ID badge that they are inexplicably still wearing at 11 p.m. on a Wednesday in the middle of a college library.

You can usually find the wearer of this outfit carefully crafting their next insightful and completely necessary political post on Facebook or mapping out the logistics of their future GUSA presidential campaign two years ahead of time. There’s a good chance you follow them on LinkedIn. There’s a better chance that they were the ones who requested to follow you.

3. The “Self-Proclaimed Gym Rat”

The basic look: Neon running shoes. A headband. A Fitbit. Something from Lululemon. A yoga mat casually tucked under their arm. A conspicuous lack of actual sweat on any of these items.

Those who rock the standard “SPGR” attire are usually found loitering in Midnight. They may be found loudly commenting on how their favorite flavor of Vitamin Water Zero and/or Cliff Bar is out of stock while openly inquiring as to why they aren’t allowed to use the Thompson Center, or insisting that they could have been a varsity walk-on “if they tried.” There’s a good chance that you also just saw them take the elevator instead of the stairs to get to Lau 2 in the first place.

4. The “Guy Who Was at Jersey Night Until He Remembered He Had a Paper Due at 9 A.M.”

The Basic Look: Hair Gel. Pit Stains. An Allen Iverson/Alonzo Mourning/Patrick Ewing jersey. A New Jersey accent. An ID from a state that is not New Jersey.

Unlike the “Self-Proclaimed Gym Rat,” the person wearing this outfit is definitely actually sweating. And yelling. And attempting to simultaneously type and sober up, but not doing a very good job at either. This stylish individual is likely to be found taking way too long to figure out what they want from the vending machine and saying some variation of “Dude, seriously it was so lit, you gotta go next week” to every other person who walks by.

5. The “Lau 5”

The basic look: A sweatshirt. A pair of sweatpants, but not the “cute and cozy” kind that are moderately acceptable to wear in public. A baseball cap. Uggs, Crocs, or some combination of the two.

(Disclaimer: this is not an exaggeration. I once saw an actual human being wearing an Ugg on one foot and a Croc on the other on Lau 5 at 2 a.m. during finals week and it was one of the scariest things I have ever seen in my entire life. Please let me know if you have any potential information regarding this individual’s whereabouts because I want to make sure they’re alright.)

The true devotees of the classic “Lau 5” aesthetic are, of course, most frequently found in their natural habitat on the top floor. But rumor has it that if you wait patiently until the early hours of the morning, you can see them briefly emerge near that weird coffee vending machine on Lau 2. Should you be so lucky as to witness this rare occurrence, be sure to remember the most basic rule of Lau-etiquette: never ask someone wearing the full-blown “Lau 5” Laufit “How’s it going?” You will only be met with a long, sad answer involving an unreliable TA, a “quizlet” mishap, and a copious amount of tears.

So there you have it: five of the most popular Laufits. Consider what your Laufit says about you the next time you head on over to see if there are any more lemon poppy seed muffins left at Midnight write that big paper well ahead of the deadline! 

Gif source: giphy.com, library.georgetown.edu

Things Worth Loving This Valentine’s Day

Down with capitalistic consumer culture that tells us that showering in materialism one day a year is a necessary approach to demonstrating our care for a significant other! Down with societal expectations that promote monogamy, heteronormativity and tacky, giant, useless teddy bears bound for eventual landfill!

Why just celebrate one person one day a year when you are surrounded by people and things worth loving every day, all of the time?!

Here’s 4E’s take on things that are truly worthy of love and celebration this Valentine’s Day:

Epi’s salad bar

DeGioia’s smile

Healy Lawn

The Office

Bathroom Stall Art

Peets!

70 degree weather in February

Tinder

Free cake samples at Dog Tag Bakery

GUPD officers who smile

Arrupe’s study spaces

Arrupe being called Arrupe

NPR Politics

Leo’s vegan options

Yates midday

The Law Center GUTS bus

Lau’s free feminine product dispenser

Super Bowl commercials that promote unity

A friend’s baby photos

Your grandparents

Bitmojis

Peanut butter

The Smithsonian Museum of African American History and Culture

Lau’s book request system

Research grants

Sunshine

Fluffy dogs

Naps

Big dogs

Netflix

Little dogs

Booeymonger

Rumchata

If you’re still reading this and feel as though your qualms for the holiday have not subsided, here’s a list of things you might not love, but nonetheless could make you more grateful today for the things that you do love.

Here are things to also love today:

Donald Trump’s twitter

Expired groceries

The patriarchy

Systematic inequality

Georgetown’s rising tuition

Racial disparities

Antisemitism

Being ghosted

Canada Goose jackets

People who walk slowly

Read receipts

Saxanet

Poor customer service

Class with your ex

Classism

Corp coffee

Splitting the check

Partisanship

The Metro

Weekly assignments

Rejection

2k17’s lack of snow days

Gifs: giphy.com

Georgetown Provides Complimentary Feminine Hygiene Products

We have good news and bad news (and some alternative news, but we’ll save that for later):

If you were born with ovaries, you’ve likely experienced a period. If you’re a man, you likely haven’t, but maybe if you’re lucky you’ve heard about ’em. Maybe you’re even a menstrual-cycle sympathizer that has made a girlfriend a period mix-tape, provided a shoulder for an emotional friend to cry on or tread a little lighter around a sister when you it was “that time of the month.”

Did you know? The unfortunate scientific fact is that for about half of us periods are a reality. And with them comes stained clothes, constant trips to the bathroom and expensive feminine hygiene products.

Did you also know that feminine products are taxed by the U.S. government as a luxury item?

 

Yes it’s true. Politifact confirms that many states make it easier for men to deal with erectile dysfunction than they do for women to get tampons. Not great news for gender equality. But we do have some good news.

GEORGETOWN HAS RECOGNIZED PERIOD STRIFE!

Feminine products are being distributed for FREE on campus!

(Spotted in the Lau 3 Reading Room’s women’s room)

THANKS, GEORGETOWN! 

Photos/gifs: giphy.com, Jenna Clifford

Upcoming GUSA Referendums

gusa referendumsIn case you missed the 25 emails, social media campaign and representatives knocking on your door begging you to vote, GUSA recently held two referendums on the topics of smoking on campus and club funding reform. We here at 4E found this to be a great way of getting a better understanding of the campus climate on some really important issues at Georgetown. So good, in fact, that we would like to propose a couple topics of our own that we think need some serious addressing for the next GUSA Referendum Day.

Without further ado, here are 4E’s proposed GUSA referendums.

Is two naps in one day too many?

You have two hours in between your first and second class. Obviously, you are going to take a nap and catch up on those extra Zs. You finish your last class of the day at 4:45, and you’re still feeling a little groggy from that first nap. You could really go for another one.

You worry, “Will I have enough time to finish my calc problem set?” “Will I ever fall asleep when it is actually time for bed?” The answer to both of those questions is probably no, but you still really want that nap. What do you think Georgetown?

Will this outlet work?

Whether you are studying in the HFSC, Lau, MSB, or any other popular study spot on campus, there is about a 50/50 shot that when you plug your laptop charger into the outlet it will actually work. You would think that with a nearly $70,000 tuition bill, Georgetown would be able to afford electricity.

Anyways, I say we leave it up to the student body to figure out if a given outlet works before going through the grossly disappointing process of unpacking your charger, getting up from your seat, and plugging it in only to find it doesn’t provide the life-giving electricity your laptop so desperately needs.

Do I really need to go to my econ recitation?

You attend all the lectures and you understand all the material. Well, maybe not ALL of it. Ok, honestly, probably none of it. But still, your recitation is at 7 p.m. on a Thursday night all the way in Walsh. AND it’s kinda cold out. I think the only way to get a valid answer is for the entire student body to weigh in on this decision.

Can we burn Lau to the ground?

Ok, I know technically this is arson, but I am pretty sure it’s what everyone wants. Lau defies the popular adage, “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” Not only is it ugly on the outside, but also ugly on the inside. It is also where most, if not all, dreams go to die. What do you guys think?

Make sure to keep an eye out for the next series of 25 emails from GUSA about upcoming referendums. You might just see one of these pressing matters on the ballot!

Gifs: giphy.com

Dating on a Budget 2.0

love on a budgetI hate to be the one to say it, but we’ve reached that inevitable point in the semester: The honeymoon phase is quickly coming to a close.

Darties give way to office hours, highly-anticipated outings to Chi Di become procrastination-heavy nights in Lau, and perhaps most importantly, that abundance of Flex Dollars and summer-job money turns into asking the cashier at Snaxa to try your card one more time because you’re pretty sure you have another 75 cents on it. But fear not – just because your bank account is having some serious troubles, doesn’t mean that your love life has to suffer too.

Here are some of 4E’s top picks for dating on a budget here at Georgetown. Whether you’re a freshman struggling to find affordable options in a town that seems full of Café Milanos and 1789s, or a senior looking to spice things up while also saving money for when your parents cut you off in a few months, this is the guide for you.

  1. Quick Pita: The perfect spot for all you late-night lovers out there. Head on down to the corner of M and Potomac any time before 2 a.m. and split an order of the best fries in Georgetown for just $3.59. Make sure to take advantage of mood music while you’re basking in the glow of the fluorescent lights and the neon “Open” sign. The owners have been known to slow it down with some Beyoncé and Usher after midnight.
The typical 2 AM scene at Quick Pita
The typical 2 a.m. scene at Quick Pita

2. Kehoe Field: While “technically closed” for now, you can still take a romantic stroll up around Yates and onto one of Georgetown’s hidden treasures to catch a breathtaking view of campus. The whole forbidden aspect will make your date that much more exciting, and you can show that special someone your dangerous side by daring to explore the “unfit playing conditions.”

Pro tip: Flaunt your affinity for animals by attempting to pet one of the many deer that frequently visit the field.

3. People watching at Epi: This one’s pretty straightforward, but sometimes simplicity is key. Get yourselves some free water cups, snag a cozy booth, and watch the drunken shenanigans of your peers unfold. You know what they say: Nothing brings two people together quite like watching a mutual friend devour a quesadilla and then trip over a chair while attempting to sprint to the nearest restroom.

I have actually seen someone do this exact maneuver on an Epi table.
I have actually seen someone do this exact               maneuver on an Epi table.

4. The Waterfront: Sequoia is home to a beautiful outdoor light display, which means that loitering on one of the benches outside the restaurant is basically the same experience that their outdoor seating provides. You’ll enjoy all the ambiance of a five-star restaurant with none of the cost!

Pro tip: Plan ahead and expand your loitering horizons during the holiday season by sitting and admiring the Christmas lights outside of Starbucks or Fiola Mare, all while still never opening your wallet.

5. Lau 5:  While Lau 2 may seem like the obvious choice for a conversation-filled date night, the strictly-enforced no-talking policy on Lau 5 will create plenty of opportunities for you to get close to that special someone as you whisper about tomorrow’s Econ test.

Pro tip: Use your study break to take a silent stroll through the stacks together. Be sure to show off your studious side by pretending to have read some of the random books you come across.

 

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com 

Initiation By Fire: The Levels of Lau

The Levels of Lau

Maybe you find Lau endearing – its white cinderblock walls, mysterious plethora of locked doors, and lack of windows inspire productivity in you – or maybe you can only be lured in by study groups unwilling to relocate to more scenic locations. In my first four weeks on the Hilltop, I have learned – through trial and error (mostly error) – the distinct personalities that characterize the five floors of the sprawling, Brutalist concrete monstrosity that is Lauinger Library.

Level 5

If Level 4 is already a quiet floor, what purpose does Level 5 serve? What kind of desire for concentration merits walking up two flights of stairs to get to 5? I have dared to venture onto this floor solely for the investigative purposes of writing this (highly informative) article.

Some helpful tips:
Talking: punishable by death
Using a computer keyboard: warrants dirty looks
Owning devices that emit beeps: unacceptable
Breathing: begrudgingly allowed

2

Level 4

The true quiet floor. The arrangement of red chairs near the elevator attempts to create a cozy aesthetic, but don’t be fooled by this homey illusion. Two weeks into the semester, I learned that NSO was indeed over when, whilst QUIETLY talking to my friend, I was asked to leave the fourth floor. To this studious upperclassman, whom I continue to see all too frequently, I am both apologetic – and still offended.

4E 1

Level 3

In terms of quietness, level 3 provides the perfect environment in which being a functional human being (breathing, moving, etc.) is acceptable, and loudly gossiping about someone else’s Friday night escapades is not.

However, the level three reading room presents two critical issues:

  • Memories of the hot sweaty awkwardness of Club Lau must be suppressed.
  • One must accept that this room is a fishbowl visible to any and all onlookers outside of Lau.

Level 2

Level two is a floor of temptation and lack of productivity. This floor is conducive to group “work” (collective procrastination) and is home to Midnight MUG, luring students away from their studies with the bait of sugary, caffeinated beverages. Floor two features an uncomfortably open space that raises dilemmas such as: is walking to Midnight MUG worth having EVERYONE stare at you?

Level 1

So far, the only useful thing here is that there is a bathroom that everyone didn’t just see you walk into (unlike Lau 2) or can hear you in (unlike all other floors).

“Basement”

The fact that Lau has a dungeon should be surprising to no one, considering the general level of enthusiasm that surrounds spending the day at Lau and the uncanny resemblance our library bears to a bomb shelter. This floor is surreptitiously referred to as “LL” in the elevators and is presumably where people who spill coffee, deface cubicles, and loudly eat chips in the third floor reading room are held captive.

It's basically a bunker...
It’s basically a bunker…

Images: giphy.com, blog.thehoya.com 

4E’s Declassified Freshman Survival Guide: Club Lau

Banner - Club LauDuring the first few days of your Georgetown experience, you will undoubtedly hear of a very “unique” tradition we have. You will hear of Club Lau, perhaps from an upperclassman friend, perhaps from a sign in the library, or even from an equally confused fellow freshman.

What is Club Lau? Where is it? How do I get in? What’s it like?

what

You ask, and 4E has answers. If you want to do this Georgetown tradition right (note: this is a survival guide for a reason), listen up…

Every year, on one fateful night early in the schoolyear, our very own Lauinger Library turns into a sweaty dance moshpit. From the outside, you can’t see anything. That’s because the temperature inside rivals a sauna and the windows are completely fogged up.

lit

Everyone waits in a seemingly never-ending line for the chance to grace the Lau 3 dance floor, see all of their friends make fools of themselves, and relive past memories.

bettydrunk
Live footage of a Club Lau pregame

A DJ will play an aggressive set to pump up those in attendance, including:

  1. You. The confused freshman who just showed up because everyone else said they were going. You didn’t want to miss out on the fun.
  2. The senior crying upon realization this is his/her last Club Lau. You know what they say: 50 percent of Hoyas marry other Hoyas. If you haven’t found a spouse by senior year, this is basically your last opportunity to do so.
  3. The valedictorian who came to check out a book. Not even the deafening music can keep this student from his/her books. Wouldn’t be caught dead on the dance floor.
  4. The “GERMS’ed” record holder. If there’s one place someone is likely to need medical attention, it’s definitely here.
  5. Confused library staff. They’ll have to look up the meaning of the words “lit” and “ratchet” online if all of the dictionaries are checked out. There isn’t anything they can’t find in Georgetown’s Dictionary, though.

What you should expect:

  1. Losing your GoCard.
  2. Never being able to look at your roommate the same way afterwards.
  3. A constant smell of body odor/bodily fluids.smell
  4. Learning new things about people you may or may not have wanted to know.
  5. DFMOs (Dance Floor Makeouts).
  6. A damn good time.

Now that you’re up to date, you’ll be able to survive Club Lau 2016.  It’s on September 3rd from 10 PM to 2 AM, if you didn’t already know. See you there!

cocofood

Photos/GIFs: Karen Bu (COL ’16), giphy.com, playbuzz.com