Things Worth Loving This Valentine’s Day

Down with capitalistic consumer culture that tells us that showering in materialism one day a year is a necessary approach to demonstrating our care for a significant other! Down with societal expectations that promote monogamy, heteronormativity and tacky, giant, useless teddy bears bound for eventual landfill!

Why just celebrate one person one day a year when you are surrounded by people and things worth loving every day, all of the time?!

Here’s 4E’s take on things that are truly worthy of love and celebration this Valentine’s Day:

Epi’s salad bar

DeGioia’s smile

Healy Lawn

The Office

Bathroom Stall Art

Peets!

70 degree weather in February

Tinder

Free cake samples at Dog Tag Bakery

GUPD officers who smile

Arrupe’s study spaces

Arrupe being called Arrupe

NPR Politics

Leo’s vegan options

Yates midday

The Law Center GUTS bus

Lau’s free feminine product dispenser

Super Bowl commercials that promote unity

A friend’s baby photos

Your grandparents

Bitmojis

Peanut butter

The Smithsonian Museum of African American History and Culture

Lau’s book request system

Research grants

Sunshine

Fluffy dogs

Naps

Big dogs

Netflix

Little dogs

Booeymonger

Rumchata

If you’re still reading this and feel as though your qualms for the holiday have not subsided, here’s a list of things you might not love, but nonetheless could make you more grateful today for the things that you do love.

Here are things to also love today:

Donald Trump’s twitter

Expired groceries

The patriarchy

Systematic inequality

Georgetown’s rising tuition

Racial disparities

Antisemitism

Being ghosted

Canada Goose jackets

People who walk slowly

Read receipts

Saxanet

Poor customer service

Class with your ex

Classism

Corp coffee

Splitting the check

Partisanship

The Metro

Weekly assignments

Rejection

2k17’s lack of snow days

Gifs: giphy.com

Hidden Treasures of Epi

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It’s the place where all nights end. It’s the place where multiple people puke bond in the bathroom on a weekly basis. It’s the place where you know you can always count on for a good break from Leo’s. If you haven’t caught on by now, this wonderful place is Epi.

Epi is the land of the famed quesadilla. While the classic chicken quesadilla is the go-to item for many customers, there are other options as well. If you long for something more, don’t be afraid to request extra guac or extra bacon (yes, this is possible). Many overlook the grilled cheese and the 1984, which are both viable options in one’s long-awaited visit to the safe haven of Georgetown students. HOWEVER, there are even more options than what you see on the menu. You may think you know Epi better than anyone, but 4E is about to prove you wrong. For the first time ever, Epi has released their secret menu!

Naturally, Epi decided to give 4E the first access to the hidden treasure of Georgetown’s #famous food venue. So, here’s a few of the newest additions to the range of options that face you as you stumble into Epi:

  1. The Exorcist– What better name for a sandwich than the very movie that made Georgetown even more famous than it was before? The name was obviously in the cards in constructing the secret menu. Think the Hot Chick is an unhealthy sandwich? Brace yourself for this one. The Exorcist might be considered a misnomer because instead of returning a soul to its owner, it may actually kill a person upon consumption. On 3 pieces of thick, perfectly-toasted sourdough bread, you’ll find multiple chicken fingers, crispy bacon, melted cheddar cheese, and a bit of honey mustard. Is this disgusting or delicious? We’ll let you decide.
  2. The Fourth Edition– Arguably, the Fourth Edition might be the best part of the menu purely due to its name. The quesadilla may be the go-to menu item for late night Epi customers, but the Fourth Edition takes it to the next level. It’s a quesadilla (you get to pick chicken, steak, or veggies), but you also get FREE extra guac and FREE BACON inside the quesadilla. This item is a deal breaker.
  3. The Dirty D– It’s only fitting that Epi has a menu item named after the building that is located directly above it. Served on a long subroll, you’ll find a delightfully-greasy combination of sausage, peppers, and onions. Epi recommends adding ketchup to complete the taste. You don’t necessarily have to be drunk to fully appreciate the glory of this sandwich.
  4. The B-Frat– Get ready to get ~sloppy~. To those of you from New Jersey, you may know this side order by the name “disco fries,” except with an excellent twist. If you feel like eating disgusting excellent food, this one gives you small portion. Disco fries are traditionally cheese fries with gravy added on top. However, the B-Frat also adds chili…so if you feel like you want to vomit after eating these, don’t be a little b**** you probably should take it slower next time, since there’s a lot of heavy stuff on this item.
  5. DeGioia’s Special– You walk by his office all the time, but sometimes never see him there. Do you ever wonder if our beloved President John DeGioia goes out of his office during the day? The word is that he disguises himself and goes to Epi in the middle of the day in order to get his favorite treat: ice cream. Have you ever ordered ice cream from Epi? You probably should. This final hidden treasure takes the cake. In a large bowl (who knew Epi had these?) lined with peanut butter, you’ll get four scoops of vanilla ice cream, chocolate syrup, whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles (they’re not called “jimmies”). AND the plus is that it’s cheaper since it is usually only available to DeGioia.

The release of Epi’s secret menu stands as a beacon of hope for those students who are devastated by the tragic loss of Brown House to the Office of the Provost. Even though you now might be going to Epi a lot earlier during your nights out, you at least have a bit more options than you usual!

Photos/gifs: giphy.com, http://bit.ly/26bbQJP

Senior Parents Weekend: What’s Up For Auction?

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Senior Parents Weekend is next weekend! One of the main events of the weekend is the Senior Auction, which takes place on Feb. 6. At this grand event, many items are auctioned off in an effort to raise money for families who can not afford to attend graduation weekend. And, in Georgetown tradition, things tend to get a little out of hand.

Big-Spender

We all know that many Georgetown students/families enjoy the finer things in life, so one could only assume that what will be up for auction is just as crazy. We’ve heard some rumors, started some others. From our research, this is what we assume will be auctioned off:

1. A night in the ICC. 

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Description: DC’s hottest club is the Intercultural Center. Located near Red Square, this hidden gem has faculty offices, SFS secrets and a rocking computer lab. Who wouldn’t want to explore this place for a night?

Estimated Price: The price of one semester of tuition.

2. A trip to the family villa in España.

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Description: Thanks to the donation of Family Z, Georgetown is happy to offer this fabulous villa on the Spanish coast. Houses 10 people, with 8 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms and two infinity pools. May or may not have been featured on House Hunters International.

Estimated Price: Why send two kids to Georgetown when you could spend 5 days at this hotspot!

3. A photo with John DeGioia.

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Description: Get to know this Georgetown celebrity on a more personal level! Plus, this provides you with the best Instagram/Profile Picture/LinkedIn photo in the history of the Internet.

Estimated Price: Likely worth the same as your meal plan.

4. Chicken Finger Thursday in Your Home.

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Description: CFT is a national treasure, so why not enjoy it in style? Package includes the omelet lady (“Get ya chicken fingers…”), all the condiments you could ever want and limitless fry refills.

Estimated Price: The price of a dinner at 1789, at least.

5. The Clock Hands.

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Description: All Georgetown students dream of being “that kid” who steals the clock hands. Now that can be you! This includes an interview with a fake news source, certificate of accomplishment, and never ending fake fame.

Estimated Price: Like you could afford this. Also, shipping is not included.

Are you ready to become a big spender? Or will you just people watch? I can’t wait to see.

Note: Auctioned items are only speculation. We do not have the inside scoop. 

Photos/Gifs: utaran.xyz; The Hoya; president.georgetown.edu; playbuzz.com; twitter.com; popsugar.com, cullinanelaw.com

Front Page Fakeout: Georgetown University Suspends All Student Activities

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Notice: Front Page Fakeout is a parody post in which a 4E writer takes a story from the front page of The Hoya and puts an exaggerated and ENTIRELY false spin on it. The Front Page Fakeout uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

 

After numerous fraternities, sororities and other unofficial Georgetown groups weren’t allowed to table inside of the Student Activities (SAC) Fair on Saturday, Georgetown University officials have decided to terminate all student clubs, groups, and activities until further notice.

According to an anonymous source in University President John J. DeGioia’s office: “The chaos at Saturday’s SAC Fair approached a level [comparable to] a Walmart full of overeager Christmas shoppers on Black Friday. Students were talking at an above ‘indoor voice’ level. As a necessary consequence to these unprecedented actions, we have decided to permanently halt student participation in campus activities.”

A detailed memo released by the Office of the Provost explains the timetable of activity shutdown: “All activities must cease by January 20, 2013, and all documents correlating to student groups must be burned, shredded, or tossed into the Potomac in a frantic and unstable manner by that date.” The memo from the provost also threatened that if any clubs are not in compliance with the timetable, former Secretary of State Madeline Albright will quit the faculty and personally burn down the Rafik B. Hariri Building.

Despite the impending stoppage of the more than 200 student groups on campus, students seem to be taking the news in stride. Georgetown University Student Association senator Jane Hoyason even seemed pleased with the activities halt. “To be quite honest, activities aren’t a big part of life here at GU. The students here are some of the laziest, most unsuccessful people in the world. So really, who gives a flyin’ hoot and a half?”