For the first time since 2012, the Healy clock hands were stolen two nights ago. While they have since been replaced, who is responsible for the daring theft? Here are 4E’s top five suspects for who committed this most egregious (read: hilarious) crime.
Motive: Sign them and say that whoever stole them sent them to him. This would instantly increase his own status as a campus celebrity. How: The VP attended mass at Dahlgren Chapel on Monday, likely as an opportunity to scout out the front of Healy. Using mass to hide your debauchery, Mr. Vice President?
The manager at Leo’s
Motive: Revenge on the students who steal all of his/her forks (and knives/spoons/dishes/cups). How: While everyone was all the way across campus using meal swipes at Hoya Court, the manager snuck out of the now-abandoned Leo’s and took the hands. 4E fears that our precious clock hands will be melted into raw metal to replace all the stolen cutlery.
A freshman with a huge crush
Motive: Girl asked, “Can I have the time?” How: I’m not really sure about this one. Some freshmen still don’t know what Healy is, so it’s impressive that he even knew there was a clock, let alone that its hands were significant.
The GU Rock Climbing Team
Motive: Tired of hearing, “Wait, we have a rock climbing team?” How: They climb rocks for sport. Scaling the face of Healy? Child’s play.
That a-hole who always steals my spot in Lau
Motive: Because he’s a jerk, that’s why. You know the one. How: I have no clue, since he has been in my spot in Lau every time I’ve checked.
Whoever the perpetrator is, it was pretty rad of them to steal the clock hands and offer us a little reprieve from the burden of finals season. 4E only hopes they send the hands to someone cool.
Have you, the curious Georgetown student, ever wondered what life would be like if you could extend your precious meal swipes beyond the reaches of Leo’s and Einstein’s? Well, have we got news for you!
According to Georgetown Dining (@gtowndining), you can use your meal swipes at any of the three establishments in Hoya Court from today, Dec. 8 to Saturday, Dec. 13! Now a meal swipe can get you meals from Elevation Burger, Subway or Salad Creations. Sadly, the times when you can use your meal swipes are limited, and can only be used from 4:30 p.m. to close Monday to Friday and from 10 a.m. to close on Saturday, so make sure you don’t miss out!
Props on the vegetarian and (relatively) healthier options, Hoya Court! (Also props on using #TreatYoSelf in your Twitter announcement.) This experiment in meal swiping will hopefully be more convenient for students living in Henle or Darnall, while also serving as a reprieve from Leo’s food and Einstein’s bagels. Remember, this ends Dec. 13, so get those wraps/flatizzas/burgers while they’re hot.
This week The Hoya reported that Georgetown has just renewed its partnership with the Coca-Cola Company, which dates back to the early 1970s. Here at 4E, we love Coke products, so we think that’s great. But during our weekly blog meetings, we discovered something far greater: the Coca-Cola vending machine in Hoya Court. It is both mystifying and exhilarating, and it must be brought to everyone’s attention.
Seriously, the video on the front of the Coke vending machine is one of the most fascinating things I have ever seen. It begins with a man placing a quarter in the machine (just a quarter!) and hitting the Coke button to order his soda. Inside, these strange blue creatures responsible for bottling the Coke come to a horrible realization: the mechanical arm in the sky is out of Coke! A heroic, blue Coke employee — we’ll call him Norman — straps on a utility belt and volunteers to go on the journey to find more Coke. (Because clearly, this is how vending machines work.)
What awaits Norman must have been more than he bargained for. He begins hang-gliding away from the scene but hits terrible turbulence. He falls off of a cliff (luckily landing in some water), swims with fish that are literally just swimming eyeballs, braves a blizzard and climbs a massive mountain to reach the Coke source. The “source” is a Whomping Willow-esque tree, with giant glass Coke nozzles at the ends of its branches. When Norman arrives, it wakes up, reaches its mechanical branch/arm through a portal in the sky and fills up the requested bottle. Norman is a hero!
A giant celebration ensues, Norman gets a celebratory kiss from yet another strange creature and the blue masses send the Coke bottle off to the awaiting recipient. It is very intriguing, and really gives me a new perspective on what goes into making my Coke. But it does leave a few questions…
1) What exactly is Norman? I really don’t know how to describe what he is. Also, note the fur ball that is just a pair of lips in the left of the picture.
2) Why does the Coke come from a giant arm in the sky? You would think these creatures would be a little more concerned with a giant hole opening up in the sky. But maybe that’s just me.
3) Why is Norman’s journey so dangerous? He almost dies a handful of times. It must have been miserable.
4) Is it this much of a process to make every Coke? It was incredibly difficult to make just one bottle of Coke. I hope they have a better system than that.
5) Why does the machine vend out glass bottles? Arguably my biggest problem with the video is the premise that there are glass bottles in the vending machine. What vending machine has glass bottles?
Next time you’re in Hoya Court, be sure to check out the vending machine. It’s a mesmerizing story of loss and retribution — and of going above and beyond the call of duty. Norman is a hero to all Hoyas, and his story is something every Hoya should experience and learn.