Deadliest Places on Campus: A PSA

It is a well-known fact that Georgetown is fraught with traps. Like the city that houses it, the Hilltop was designed to confuse invading armies — a common occurrence for this hallowed fortress.*

Besides the winding streets and myriad hidden halls (Robert E. Lee’s army was actually trapped trying to find a Vil B apartment), the earth itself works to wear down unfamiliar intruders and carefree visitors.

So, whether you attend Georgetown or are just dropping by, here are the deadliest places to walk on campus — these were definitely designed to maim the enemies of the Hilltop and are not just a damning reflection of Georgetown’s crippled facilities management (@JohnJDeGioia).

*The author would like to note that this information is NOT fact-checked.

The Red Brick Ruins

In the Golden Age of Georgetown, just five years hence, when giants dominated the Verizon Center and people feared the yell of “Hoya Saxa,” the ICC was a bustling center of commerce. Merchants from all across the District would flock to show off their finest wares.*

Ever since the dark reign of Julius Tyrannicus the Third (often shortened to JT3), the famed Red Square fell into ruin. Where once marketgoers could barter and feast with nary a worry, citizens must now navigate pockets of missing bricks (see below) and the occasional puddle after a strong storm.

Worse still, there’s now some weird archaeological dig taking place on Copley Lawn, not only releasing some kind of curse but also keeping students from relaxing on that verdant green.

We live in hope of a new age under King Patrick.

*The author would again like to note that this information is based on legends told to him by upperclassmen.

The Henle Crevasse

As a resident of Georgetown’s highest peak (s/o to all my Darnall babes), I am inclined to find all possible entrances to my home that avoid the infamous hill.

Upon my arrival, rumors circulated of a “secret stair” that cut through Henle and circumvented the long path to Darnall, along with the staircase that waits at the very end. I committed myself to uncover Henle’s “Northwest Passage.”

One day, on a night journey back from Healy, there lay a crossroads in my path. Right past Arrupe, there stands a gradually sloping stair that leads into Henle. Ascending the staircase, I ended up in a common outdoor area filled with terrors: An unnecessarily large cutout of Ronald Reagan, a peeking Guy Fieri and some dude smoking a cigarette surrounded me.

I ran up another set of dark stairs in a flight of fright, which led to yet another fork in the road. A path led deeper into Henle, arriving at a pitch-black tunnel. Seeing the side entrance to Darnall through the darkness, I sprinted through…

And caught my foot on this deathtrap:

The Slopes of Darnall

Alternatively, if you’re not out of shape or lazy like me, you could just go up the hill that leads straight to Epi.

But beware, traveller, for this path is still full of dangers!

Approaching the construction site, the air grows dustier, the atmosphere louder. Most terrifyingly, the path grows narrower — just a yard across. Bikes, scooters and a-holes with umbrellas will often rush past you in a series of near misses.

It is also on this path that people don’t know how to walk single file. That makes this 10 times worse:

This little monster (now covered) will catch your foot if you’re not careful. The unexpected drop really does a number on your ankle — and your attitude.

The Uneven Path to O’Donovan Hall

Below the looming shadow of Southwest Quad lies another three-footwide path of poor design. While the sidewalk on the other side of the road near VCW is much larger and better paved, it requires crossing a street with an oddly large amount of traffic.

The risk of the walk below McCarthy is rewarded by a straight-shot to Leo’s.

On the ends, however, lie two deadly snares that could really ruin your day. At the corner, the entire right side of the sidewalk near the bushes is uneven. Because of the uniform texture and color, this slope is barely noticeable.

A similar slope lies near the bench at the end of the walk.

Worst of all, this trouble leads to the greatest deception of them all: that anything in upstairs Leo’s is worth waiting for.*

*The author would like to note that he absolutely stands by this opinion and literally high-fived himself while writing that joke.

The Three Circles of He(a)ll(y)

The Devil’s Three Eyes. The Claws of Copley. DeGioia’s Teeth.

There are three pits at the very outset of the grand road to Lau, where the trash cans are and where there always seems to be some kind of delivery truck.

These holes used to be the base of three poles, which closed off the path for bikes, trucks and scooters. Now, they are simply a death trap for bikes, scooters and pedestrians.

To the unwary eye, these death pits could ruin your foot, your tire or your dignity. Of all the aforementioned traps, these are definitely the greatest existential threat to every single Hoya that goes to Lau.

Mr. DeGioia, fill in these holes.

Coda

Maybe I’m clumsy. Maybe my vision is bad. Maybe I walk like a newborn child.

OR maybe, I’m a victim of an obviously deteriorating campus.

I get it: The wonderful people at facilities have more important stuff to do like constantly fixing leaks, floods, black mold breakouts and bathroom lock-INS. BUT even covering it up with a wooden board — like how Adam Sandler covered up Cole Sprouse’s pee in “Big Daddy” — is better than letting people trip.

 

All gifs from giphy.com

A Guide to Move-Out Day

You are DONE. Finally. This finals season was the worst one in recent memory, but don’t get too comfortable just yet: You still have Move-Out Day. Though not quite as bad as the infamous Move-In Day, it’s still pretty unpleasant. So whether you’re bidding farewell to Harbin or Henle, 4E has got you covered with a step-by-step guide on what to do to make moving out a little less stressful.

1. Hide the Evidence

We know it’s been a while since you’ve interacted with them, but remember, your parents still think you go to Dahlgren Chapel on Sundays — and I am willing to bet that the current state of your room does not lend much support to that idea. So, before your beloved mom and/or dad show up to kindly help you move out, be sure to dispose of all remaining alcohol containers, “controversial” posters and anything you may have acquired from the H*yas for Choice table throughout the year. Move-Out Day is stressful enough as is; don’t make it any worse by having to awkwardly explain to your parents what a “Juul” is and why you currently have one sitting on your desk.

2. Attempt to Clean

Look around: You’ve been living in a literal cesspool for months. Forget romaine lettuce; it’s honestly a miracle that this place didn’t kill you. Every surface is inexplicably sticky. Your floor is covered in crushed Utz chips, empty Chick-Fil-A sauce cups and the remains of that Wingo’s order you dropped on Georgetown Day. At some point during the year, your trashcan became an amorphous “trash corner,” and now you’re really paying the price. Grab some Lysol wipes, rent a vacuum from the nearest RHO and get to work. We all know it won’t really make that much of a difference, but we also know that University President John J. DeGioia isn’t going to spend any of his Tulip money on tackling the campus rodent problem this summer, so a few minutes of tidying up is the least you can do for the sake of next year’s residents.

3. “Pack”

By “pack,” we really mean lie down on your bed and scroll through Instagram while your roommate or mom does most of the work involved in actually packing. If you have a minute to spare between figuring out what’s been going on with the whole Khloe/Tristan situation and getting caught up on whatever that Walmart-yodeling kid is doing these days, you can maybe put some folders in a box or throw some clothes into a backpack. These damn millennials! Lol amirite @EveryoneOverTheAgeofForty?? #lol #juul #relatable #PleasePayMeToWriteAnOpEdAboutThisHipTopic

4. Stress-Cry and/or Get Into an Argument With Your Mom

This is inevitable. Tensions are running high. No one involved in this process is in a good state of mind. You’re exhausted from having to take that “Problem of God” final, and your mom is exhausted from having to put up with you for the past two decades. Something as simple as taking the sheets off your bed or looking for a missing shoe can quickly escalate into complete pandemonium. Godspeed.

5. Say Goodbye

Even though your living space was absolutely disgusting, and you spent the last two weeks exclusively stress-crying in this place, it’s still sad to look around and see it look so empty. You had some good times in [insert residence hall name here]. So, goodbye, rats! Goodbye, black mold! Goodbye, neighbors who blared their terrible “Mr. Brightside”-themed playlist on a never-ending loop for an entire semester. You will be missed.

Gif/photo sources: giphy.com, housingwire.com

Cries for Help: Carvings in Lau Cubicles

As a nearly 230-year-old institution, Georgetown is host to secrets that current students can hardly fathom.

Hopefully no basilisks tho 🐍 #snakesofgeorgetown

Some of these secrets date back to the school’s founding. Messages etched by early students into the stone walls of Healy, White-Gravenor and Dahlgren — “Thou art fairer than a principled Jesuit,” “Thy perfume sweetens the scent of the stankiest Leo’s dish return,” etc. — have faded over time.

Actual footage of the Healy clock ringing every 15 minutes.

However, contemporary graffiti is alive and well in some of the newer and more utilized buildings on campus. Most anonymous messages, in fact, are located in none other than Lauinger Library, a hotspot of ~brutal~ nervous breakdowns on campus.

Lauinger? I barely know her.

Please join me as I reveal the most honest and repulsive thoughts of Georgetown students: those scrawled on the inside of Lau cubicles and Walsh restrooms in desperate acts of self-expression.

Me as I plumb Lau’s dusty depths. Also, if you don’t know what movie this gif is from, I can’t be friends with you.

Georgetown Confessions

It’s amazing that the president found time to helicopter over to Georgetown and vandalize our library! Spelling errors aside, this is 100% a rule to live by. #FightAgainstTheCapitalistCorp

This was found covering approximately 4 feet of vertical space on the lower level of Lau. I mean … say it loud, say it proud??? 😳🤷🏻‍♀️

Breaking down gender barriers one act of vandalism at a time.

You’ve got to admit, coming out and claiming the Walsh fourth floor women’s bathroom as one of your favorite spots on campus is a bold move. Kudos to this brave soul.

Slackademia

This one is honestly too relevant right now. I love how this ~poet~ backed up some linguistics major’s revelation with a quintessentially Georgetown story of academic humiliation.

4E was tipped off that this one was drawn by a struggling freshman who started their “Problem of God” paper the night before it was due and realized that they were supposed to “conduct a survey.” Yikes.

Quarter-Life Crises

If Lana Del Rey went to Georgetown, these would be the lyrics to her No. 1 song. FYI, if unlike this songwriter, the middle stall in the Walsh third floor bathroom isn’t really your vibe, check out these other spots on campus where you can bawl your eyes out.

This picture illustrates what happens when SFSers get too into their Neo-Sovietism class and then realize that they have to make themselves marketable to consulting firms for summer internships.

Classic Georgetown Elitism

Okay, Brock, that’s only because your dad donated a swimming pool there! Get off your high horse, please.

I mean… George Washington probably would have been a Hoya. #justsayin

Hoyas Reveal Their Ugly Side

This statement is unacceptable. Georgetown students are practically defined by their constant belittlement of campus dining and love for mainstream hip-hop. Do better, Hoyas.

Now that you’ve seen some of the innermost thoughts of Georgetown students, I encourage you to look around the next time you’re struggling to write a paper in Lau at 2 a.m. You may find inspiring messages, crude drawings or desperate cries for help.

Either way, the notes left behind by past Hoyas are an important part of Georgetown’s history that current students can and should bond over.

Did you know that Ben Gates holds a degree in American history from Georgetown? #NotableAlum

Best of luck with finals, everyone! Keep scribblin’ away.

Note: I’d like to apologize to all of the people I weirded out while sneaking around Lau and Walsh taking pictures.

Sources: Giphy, Facebook (Georgetown Memes for Non-Conforming Jesuit Teens)

An Ode to Finals Season

As the long-awaited Dec. 20 draws near, we here at 4E have prepared an ode to undoubtedly the merriest time of the year: FINALS SZN. Whether you’re reading this post in the sanctity of your own dearly missed home, at your ~unique~ vacation spot in Mexico or on the Hilltop waiting for your unfortunately-scheduled math final, we can relate to what you’re feeling:

So, without further ado, let’s all take a moment to reflect on Georgetown’s beloved stress culture, appreciate the ~high-quality~ Whisk coffee that has fueled us thus far and give ourselves a pat on the back for succeeding  doing relatively well surviving this semester!

After endless midterms, weeks of studying all night,

there’s a brief respite, then finals are in sight.

It seems like it’s always time to buckle down

but that’s just part of being at Georgetown

The struggle is real as you prep for Bib Lit —

but what can you expect from the Jesuits?

You’ve got 99 problems, the first is Of God,

and in time you’re exposed as a Catholic fraud.

In your first exam, those wretched blue books appear

and before too long, they’re stained with your tears.

You fight through hand cramps for two hours straight,

and from nine to eleven, your heart palpitates.

Lau 2 is love, Lau 2 is life —

just kidding, that place is a hellhole of strife.

You wonder, will these troubles ever be over?

It’s been awhile since you’ve been this sober.

You’ve studied forever, it seems like a time warp,

and while waiting at MUG, you curse the capitalist Corp.

Later that day, you procrastinate more:

It was feeling too lonely up on Lau 4.

You’re buried in books on a Saturday night —

to friends at state schools, it’s a pitiful sight.

It’s only midnight, but the future looks bleak.

You remind yourself, though, that sleep’s for the weak.

But when you finally get into the swing of things,

to no one’s surprise, Lau’s fire alarm rings.

So you make your way over to good ol’ Leavey —

should four flights of stairs really make you this wheezy?

Texts from your friends say they’re already on break,

but at least they’ll be free to attend your wake.

You’re struggling to find the will to survive,

indeed, you fall short of the expectation to thrive.

“How to learn French in a day,” you search online.

You’d forgotten “Bonjour”— probably not a good sign

After handing in your final subpar paper,

it looks like life’s finally turned in your favor.

Though GPA-wise, there may be reason to fear,

that’ll be a problem you save for next year.

The holidays will provide plenty of reason

for you to repress this finals season.

Walking past Healy, you take a pic and proceed,

“until next semester!” your Snapchat story reads.

Suitcase in hand, you feel an upswing in mood

at the thought of three weeks without Leo’s food.

You search for your Uber outside the front gates —

What’s taking so long? New Jersey awaits!

~Happy Hoyadays~ from all of us at 4E!

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, tumblr.com

Am I Too Old For This?

As you sip a Natty at a crowded pregame or wait in line for ~another~ Epi Quesadilla, some of you upperclassmen out there might be pondering a timeless question. To help you find answers, we here at 4E have compiled a list of ten things that you can and can’t do after your freshman year. So pause for a moment and ask yourself…

Am I too old for this?

1) Taking a basic picture of Healy Hall. We all did this within our first days on the Hilltop, and, though we cringe at others for snapping the famed clocktower, most still look at Healy in awe.

Verdict: No, but expect some judgement.

2) Going to frat basement parties. Though I have gone on my fair share of SAE Foxfield buses or Zeta Psi booze cruises, frat parties feel increasingly more like events for freshman. Please let my days of partying in a suspiciously wet Sig Ep basement be over. I would take a Piano Bar night filled with only adults over this. Enough is enough. That being said, the frat boys and pledge bros are still wonderful.

Verdict: Probably yes, unless you are in a frat, in which case, please attend your own events.

3) Waiting in the Georgetown Cupcake line. I didn’t even do this as a freshman because WHO HAS THE TIME?? Waiting 40 minutes for a $4 cupcake with too much frosting is never worth it.

Verdict: Yes, go to Baked & Wired instead.

4) Attending Jersey Night or Thursday Chi Di. Does anyone care?

Verdict: see you all there!!!

5) Getting lost on campus. Our campus is literally 1/18 the size of a state school’s, so I’m pretty sure you should know every building after a few months. Specifically, I mean people struggling with Maguire. I don’t understand why this is the specific location no one can find. The Jesuits are judging you!

Verdict: Get a map. Then again, it’s totally fine if we’re talking about the ICC.

6) Drinking Burnett’s. Not everyone is too old for this, but I can say with some certainty, while nursing my current raging hangover, that I should be upgrading beyond the likes of Mango Burnett’s. I am only too old for this in the ~health~ way. Will I give it up? Likely not — I have a budget.

Verdict: Yes, but who cares?

7) Referencing the Georgetown meme page. Judging by my alumni friends who find the meme page hilarious, there’s no harm in still talking about a classic “Everyone from Georgetown lives in New Jersey or Connecticut”.

Verdict: No, keep tagging away.

8) Village A Rooftop Parties. Power to you if you get there before GUPD shuts it down. Nevertheless, it remains a classic spot on Homecoming and Georgetown Day.

Verdict: Yep…  it’s never worth it to be honest.

9) Applying to clubs. While the process certainly becomes more cynical as you get older, you should join anything you want at any age. (I hear 4E accepts freshmen to seniors).

Verdict: No, college is about finding yourself and all that #wholesome.

10) ~Hanging out~ in a freshman dorm. Do you!!!!! Just be safe!!!!!!!!!

Verdict: Just don’t go to Darnall.

And with that, we hope you act your age!

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, knowyourmeme.com

Stolen Clock Hands: The Suspects

clock tower

For the first time since 2012, the Healy clock hands were stolen two nights ago. While they have since been replaced, who is responsible for the daring theft? Here are 4E’s top five suspects for who committed this most egregious (read: hilarious) crime.

Joe Biden

Screen-Shot-2014-10-09-at-1.48.03-PM

Motive: Sign them and say that whoever stole them sent them to him. This would instantly increase his own status as a campus celebrity.
How: The VP attended mass at Dahlgren Chapel on Monday, likely as an opportunity to scout out the front of Healy. Using mass to hide your debauchery, Mr. Vice President?

The manager at Leo’s

Motive: Revenge on the students who steal all of his/her forks (and knives/spoons/dishes/cups).
How: While everyone was all the way across campus using meal swipes at Hoya Court, the manager snuck out of the now-abandoned Leo’s and took the hands. 4E fears that our precious clock hands will be melted into raw metal to replace all the stolen cutlery.

A freshman with a huge crush

Motive: Girl asked, “Can I have the time?”
How: I’m not really sure about this one. Some freshmen still don’t know what Healy is, so it’s impressive that he even knew there was a clock, let alone that its hands were significant.

The GU Rock Climbing Team

dsc_0344Motive: Tired of hearing, “Wait, we have a rock climbing team?”
How: They climb rocks for sport. Scaling the face of Healy? Child’s play.

That a-hole who always steals my spot in Lau

Motive: Because he’s a jerk, that’s why. You know the one.
How: I have no clue, since he has been in my spot in Lau every time I’ve checked.

Whoever the perpetrator is, it was pretty rad of them to steal the clock hands and offer us a little reprieve from the burden of finals season. 4E only hopes they send the hands to someone cool.

Photos: http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nbihK0FLU08/T59DdKW-P5I/AAAAAAAAATc/GqpjGki53mc/s1600/clock+tower.jpg; http://boston.barstoolsports.com/; gubulldogblog.wordpress.com

We Can Land on a Comet But We Can’t …

Comet Landing

As you may have heard, a few days ago the Rosetta probe successfully landed on a comet. Twitter users had a humorous response to mankind’s latest outer space feat, posting ridiculous things with the hashtag #WeCanLandOnACometButWeCant. We at 4E have compiled our own list of things we can’t do:

We can land on a comet but we can’t …

… get the USB in the port on the first try.

… find Waldo.

… stop Nicholas Cage from making movies.

… find washing machines that don’t eat our socks.

… make another Harry Potter movie.

… prevent the accidental photo like on Instagram.

… listen to Taylor Swift on Spotify.

… lick our elbows.

… dislike a post on Facebook.

… spread out our flex dollars over the semester.

… find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie pop.

… rub our tummies and pat our heads.

… decide whether Diet Coke is better or worse than regular Coke.

… pick up our omelettes when we’re supposed to.

… finish a whole stick of chapstick.

… stop missing Markel Starks.

… give our dominant hands presentable manicures.

… remember where we parked our cars.

… stop watching Snapchat stories.

… keep our headphones untangled.

… get restaurant reservations on Saturday at 8 p.m.

… finish our bottles of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

… even

We get it, world. There is a comet out there somewhere with a probe on it. We can land on a comet. But just think of all the things we can’t do, and let’s get our priorities straight.

Photo: wikimedia.org

When You Get Back…

when you get back

The studying has been done. The finals have been taken. The papers have been written. All that’s left to say is . . . Congratulations, Hoyas! You made it through this year! All that’s left to do is sit back, relax and enjoy the summer (read as: intern, take classes and perform endless hours of unpaid labor to increase your human capital/build your resume until school begins again).

When and if — we’ll miss you, seniors — you return to campus this fall, some things will be the same. Rhino and Wisey’s will still be here, and we’re still going to call ourselves the Hoyas. But some things at GU are going to be radically different when you come back. Take a look:

You’re going to be in a different grade

This is for realz. You’re movin’ on up! Freshmen, you’re no longer freshmen. That means that you can’t make stupid mistakes anymore or ask where buildings are. You can’t walk around on Prospect Street in herds listening for noise and hoping to gain entry to a swanky soiree. People will judge you.

JudgingYou

Sophomores, you’re now juniors. You now have to start actually thinking about the real world. So basically, you’ll look like this:

image

Juniors, you are now seniors! As in, the big kids. The head honchos. The ones who will be GRADUATING in the spring. It’ll be a bit like this:

tumblr_inline_mm5ie5T4Tz1rnvwt1

But also like this:

image

You get to take new classes!

Remember that one class that you just absolutely despised last semester? It’s gone! So it’ll probably make you feel like this:happy-dancing

Unfortunately, you will still have to take some sort of classes though…

tumblr_mj09ropShs1r6ibubo6_250

…but who cares?!

tumblr_inline_mmjmmykerM1qz4rgp

 You’ll have new fun stories to tell from this summer! 

Whether you traveled the world and had some crazy adventures…

Or did absolutely nothing and will have to make up something so you don’t sound like a loser.

image

image

And if you’re a junior, you AREN’T going to have to eat at Leo’s!

P5Dpxoc

When you get back, you’re still going to read The Fourth Edition every day!

tumblr_inline_mmi237CwSO1qz4rgp

And the biggest change of all when you return:

 They’re making Lau look pretty like Healy!

tumblr_inline_mi53ztuIJM1reoueb

Just kidding.

800px-Lauinger_Library

See you next year, Hoyas!

Photo: Alexander Brown/The Hoya, Wikipedia; Gifs: tumblr.com

The 12 of ’12

Slideshow:
Fullscreen:

Welcome back to campus, my fellow Hoyas! It is the new year, which means Yates is going to be filled to the brim by the usual “exercise-more-regularly-as-my-new-year’s-resolution” people (don’t worry, they’ll all be gone in a week or two), we brace ourselves for the inevitable baby boom that will occur on 9/21 and we all struggle to remember to write 2013 instead of 2012 on top of our papers. We at The Fourth Edition wanted to take a moment to remember some of the key moments at Georgetown in 2012, which was a monumental year in more ways than one. They say a picture says a 1,000 words — and I’m too lazy to write more than five sentences — so here you have it: 12 photos from The Hoya that sum up the not-so-apocalyptic year of 2012. Enjoy and Happy New Year!

Where in the World are the Real Healy Clock Hands?

The clock hands on Healy Tower were finally put back this morning, but apparently they’re not the ones that were stolen. So while Healy can tell time again, the original hands are still at large. Join us as we consider their possible location.

Vatican City According to tradition, once the hands are stolen they should be sent to the Vatican for a blessing from the Pope, then returned. Hopefully they’re shaking hands with Pope Benedict right about now. But while our alleged clock thieves Reaper, Juliet and Goliath claim that the hands were safely on their way to the Vatican it could just be a ruse to hide their true destination.

London, England To visit Big Ben at Westminster Palace and exchange all the hottest clock-related gossip. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that these famous clocks have been hiding a secret relationship for years. I mean, do we have any proof that they actually go to Italy? For all we know, they could be sharing a plate of fish and chips with Big Ben.

Mecca, Saudi Arabia But if we’re talking impressive clocks, there’s a chance that Healy’s hands are paying a visit to the Mecca Royal Hotel Clock Tower, which is home to the tallest clock tower in the world with the largest clock face, 46 meters in diameter. That’s a whole lot of clock.

New Jersey 90% of Georgetown is from here anyway, maybe the hands just skipped out on finals and headed home, leaving the clock tower to deal with its 19th Century Gothic Architecture final alone.