An Ode to Finals Season

As the long-awaited Dec. 20 draws near, we here at 4E have prepared an ode to undoubtedly the merriest time of the year: FINALS SZN. Whether you’re reading this post in the sanctity of your own dearly missed home, at your ~unique~ vacation spot in Mexico or on the Hilltop waiting for your unfortunately-scheduled math final, we can relate to what you’re feeling:

So, without further ado, let’s all take a moment to reflect on Georgetown’s beloved stress culture, appreciate the ~high-quality~ Whisk coffee that has fueled us thus far and give ourselves a pat on the back for succeeding  doing relatively well surviving this semester!

After endless midterms, weeks of studying all night,

there’s a brief respite, then finals are in sight.

It seems like it’s always time to buckle down

but that’s just part of being at Georgetown

The struggle is real as you prep for Bib Lit —

but what can you expect from the Jesuits?

You’ve got 99 problems, the first is Of God,

and in time you’re exposed as a Catholic fraud.

In your first exam, those wretched blue books appear

and before too long, they’re stained with your tears.

You fight through hand cramps for two hours straight,

and from nine to eleven, your heart palpitates.

Lau 2 is love, Lau 2 is life —

just kidding, that place is a hellhole of strife.

You wonder, will these troubles ever be over?

It’s been awhile since you’ve been this sober.

You’ve studied forever, it seems like a time warp,

and while waiting at MUG, you curse the capitalist Corp.

Later that day, you procrastinate more:

It was feeling too lonely up on Lau 4.

You’re buried in books on a Saturday night —

to friends at state schools, it’s a pitiful sight.

It’s only midnight, but the future looks bleak.

You remind yourself, though, that sleep’s for the weak.

But when you finally get into the swing of things,

to no one’s surprise, Lau’s fire alarm rings.

So you make your way over to good ol’ Leavey —

should four flights of stairs really make you this wheezy?

Texts from your friends say they’re already on break,

but at least they’ll be free to attend your wake.

You’re struggling to find the will to survive,

indeed, you fall short of the expectation to thrive.

“How to learn French in a day,” you search online.

You’d forgotten “Bonjour”— probably not a good sign

After handing in your final subpar paper,

it looks like life’s finally turned in your favor.

Though GPA-wise, there may be reason to fear,

that’ll be a problem you save for next year.

The holidays will provide plenty of reason

for you to repress this finals season.

Walking past Healy, you take a pic and proceed,

“until next semester!” your Snapchat story reads.

Suitcase in hand, you feel an upswing in mood

at the thought of three weeks without Leo’s food.

You search for your Uber outside the front gates —

What’s taking so long? New Jersey awaits!

~Happy Hoyadays~ from all of us at 4E!

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, tumblr.com

Am I Too Old For This?

As you sip a Natty at a crowded pregame or wait in line for ~another~ Epi Quesadilla, some of you upperclassmen out there might be pondering a timeless question. To help you find answers, we here at 4E have compiled a list of ten things that you can and can’t do after your freshman year. So pause for a moment and ask yourself…

Am I too old for this?

1) Taking a basic picture of Healy Hall. We all did this within our first days on the Hilltop, and, though we cringe at others for snapping the famed clocktower, most still look at Healy in awe.

Verdict: No, but expect some judgement.

2) Going to frat basement parties. Though I have gone on my fair share of SAE Foxfield buses or Zeta Psi booze cruises, frat parties feel increasingly more like events for freshman. Please let my days of partying in a suspiciously wet Sig Ep basement be over. I would take a Piano Bar night filled with only adults over this. Enough is enough. That being said, the frat boys and pledge bros are still wonderful.

Verdict: Probably yes, unless you are in a frat, in which case, please attend your own events.

3) Waiting in the Georgetown Cupcake line. I didn’t even do this as a freshman because WHO HAS THE TIME?? Waiting 40 minutes for a $4 cupcake with too much frosting is never worth it.

Verdict: Yes, go to Baked & Wired instead.

4) Attending Jersey Night or Thursday Chi Di. Does anyone care?

Verdict: see you all there!!!

5) Getting lost on campus. Our campus is literally 1/18 the size of a state school’s, so I’m pretty sure you should know every building after a few months. Specifically, I mean people struggling with Maguire. I don’t understand why this is the specific location no one can find. The Jesuits are judging you!

Verdict: Get a map. Then again, it’s totally fine if we’re talking about the ICC.

6) Drinking Burnett’s. Not everyone is too old for this, but I can say with some certainty, while nursing my current raging hangover, that I should be upgrading beyond the likes of Mango Burnett’s. I am only too old for this in the ~health~ way. Will I give it up? Likely not — I have a budget.

Verdict: Yes, but who cares?

7) Referencing the Georgetown meme page. Judging by my alumni friends who find the meme page hilarious, there’s no harm in still talking about a classic “Everyone from Georgetown lives in New Jersey or Connecticut”.

Verdict: No, keep tagging away.

8) Village A Rooftop Parties. Power to you if you get there before GUPD shuts it down. Nevertheless, it remains a classic spot on Homecoming and Georgetown Day.

Verdict: Yep…  it’s never worth it to be honest.

9) Applying to clubs. While the process certainly becomes more cynical as you get older, you should join anything you want at any age. (I hear 4E accepts freshmen to seniors).

Verdict: No, college is about finding yourself and all that #wholesome.

10) ~Hanging out~ in a freshman dorm. Do you!!!!! Just be safe!!!!!!!!!

Verdict: Just don’t go to Darnall.

And with that, we hope you act your age!

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, knowyourmeme.com

Stolen Clock Hands: The Suspects

clock tower

For the first time since 2012, the Healy clock hands were stolen two nights ago. While they have since been replaced, who is responsible for the daring theft? Here are 4E’s top five suspects for who committed this most egregious (read: hilarious) crime.

Joe Biden

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Motive: Sign them and say that whoever stole them sent them to him. This would instantly increase his own status as a campus celebrity.
How: The VP attended mass at Dahlgren Chapel on Monday, likely as an opportunity to scout out the front of Healy. Using mass to hide your debauchery, Mr. Vice President?

The manager at Leo’s

Motive: Revenge on the students who steal all of his/her forks (and knives/spoons/dishes/cups).
How: While everyone was all the way across campus using meal swipes at Hoya Court, the manager snuck out of the now-abandoned Leo’s and took the hands. 4E fears that our precious clock hands will be melted into raw metal to replace all the stolen cutlery.

A freshman with a huge crush

Motive: Girl asked, “Can I have the time?”
How: I’m not really sure about this one. Some freshmen still don’t know what Healy is, so it’s impressive that he even knew there was a clock, let alone that its hands were significant.

The GU Rock Climbing Team

dsc_0344Motive: Tired of hearing, “Wait, we have a rock climbing team?”
How: They climb rocks for sport. Scaling the face of Healy? Child’s play.

That a-hole who always steals my spot in Lau

Motive: Because he’s a jerk, that’s why. You know the one.
How: I have no clue, since he has been in my spot in Lau every time I’ve checked.

Whoever the perpetrator is, it was pretty rad of them to steal the clock hands and offer us a little reprieve from the burden of finals season. 4E only hopes they send the hands to someone cool.

Photos: http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nbihK0FLU08/T59DdKW-P5I/AAAAAAAAATc/GqpjGki53mc/s1600/clock+tower.jpg; http://boston.barstoolsports.com/; gubulldogblog.wordpress.com

We Can Land on a Comet But We Can’t …

Comet Landing

As you may have heard, a few days ago the Rosetta probe successfully landed on a comet. Twitter users had a humorous response to mankind’s latest outer space feat, posting ridiculous things with the hashtag #WeCanLandOnACometButWeCant. We at 4E have compiled our own list of things we can’t do:

We can land on a comet but we can’t …

… get the USB in the port on the first try.

… find Waldo.

… stop Nicholas Cage from making movies.

… find washing machines that don’t eat our socks.

… make another Harry Potter movie.

… prevent the accidental photo like on Instagram.

… listen to Taylor Swift on Spotify.

… lick our elbows.

… dislike a post on Facebook.

… spread out our flex dollars over the semester.

… find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie pop.

… rub our tummies and pat our heads.

… decide whether Diet Coke is better or worse than regular Coke.

… pick up our omelettes when we’re supposed to.

… finish a whole stick of chapstick.

… stop missing Markel Starks.

… give our dominant hands presentable manicures.

… remember where we parked our cars.

… stop watching Snapchat stories.

… keep our headphones untangled.

… get restaurant reservations on Saturday at 8 p.m.

… finish our bottles of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

… even

We get it, world. There is a comet out there somewhere with a probe on it. We can land on a comet. But just think of all the things we can’t do, and let’s get our priorities straight.

Photo: wikimedia.org

When You Get Back…

when you get back

The studying has been done. The finals have been taken. The papers have been written. All that’s left to say is . . . Congratulations, Hoyas! You made it through this year! All that’s left to do is sit back, relax and enjoy the summer (read as: intern, take classes and perform endless hours of unpaid labor to increase your human capital/build your resume until school begins again).

When and if — we’ll miss you, seniors — you return to campus this fall, some things will be the same. Rhino and Wisey’s will still be here, and we’re still going to call ourselves the Hoyas. But some things at GU are going to be radically different when you come back. Take a look:

You’re going to be in a different grade

This is for realz. You’re movin’ on up! Freshmen, you’re no longer freshmen. That means that you can’t make stupid mistakes anymore or ask where buildings are. You can’t walk around on Prospect Street in herds listening for noise and hoping to gain entry to a swanky soiree. People will judge you.

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Sophomores, you’re now juniors. You now have to start actually thinking about the real world. So basically, you’ll look like this:

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Juniors, you are now seniors! As in, the big kids. The head honchos. The ones who will be GRADUATING in the spring. It’ll be a bit like this:

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But also like this:

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You get to take new classes!

Remember that one class that you just absolutely despised last semester? It’s gone! So it’ll probably make you feel like this:happy-dancing

Unfortunately, you will still have to take some sort of classes though…

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…but who cares?!

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 You’ll have new fun stories to tell from this summer! 

Whether you traveled the world and had some crazy adventures…

Or did absolutely nothing and will have to make up something so you don’t sound like a loser.

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And if you’re a junior, you AREN’T going to have to eat at Leo’s!

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When you get back, you’re still going to read The Fourth Edition every day!

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And the biggest change of all when you return:

 They’re making Lau look pretty like Healy!

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Just kidding.

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See you next year, Hoyas!

Photo: Alexander Brown/The Hoya, Wikipedia; Gifs: tumblr.com

The 12 of ’12

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Welcome back to campus, my fellow Hoyas! It is the new year, which means Yates is going to be filled to the brim by the usual “exercise-more-regularly-as-my-new-year’s-resolution” people (don’t worry, they’ll all be gone in a week or two), we brace ourselves for the inevitable baby boom that will occur on 9/21 and we all struggle to remember to write 2013 instead of 2012 on top of our papers. We at The Fourth Edition wanted to take a moment to remember some of the key moments at Georgetown in 2012, which was a monumental year in more ways than one. They say a picture says a 1,000 words — and I’m too lazy to write more than five sentences — so here you have it: 12 photos from The Hoya that sum up the not-so-apocalyptic year of 2012. Enjoy and Happy New Year!

Where in the World are the Real Healy Clock Hands?

The clock hands on Healy Tower were finally put back this morning, but apparently they’re not the ones that were stolen. So while Healy can tell time again, the original hands are still at large. Join us as we consider their possible location.

Vatican City According to tradition, once the hands are stolen they should be sent to the Vatican for a blessing from the Pope, then returned. Hopefully they’re shaking hands with Pope Benedict right about now. But while our alleged clock thieves Reaper, Juliet and Goliath claim that the hands were safely on their way to the Vatican it could just be a ruse to hide their true destination.

London, England To visit Big Ben at Westminster Palace and exchange all the hottest clock-related gossip. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that these famous clocks have been hiding a secret relationship for years. I mean, do we have any proof that they actually go to Italy? For all we know, they could be sharing a plate of fish and chips with Big Ben.

Mecca, Saudi Arabia But if we’re talking impressive clocks, there’s a chance that Healy’s hands are paying a visit to the Mecca Royal Hotel Clock Tower, which is home to the tallest clock tower in the world with the largest clock face, 46 meters in diameter. That’s a whole lot of clock.

New Jersey 90% of Georgetown is from here anyway, maybe the hands just skipped out on finals and headed home, leaving the clock tower to deal with its 19th Century Gothic Architecture final alone.

Clock Thieves Use the Barter System (or should we say barker system?)

If you’re in the market for some clock hands (here’s looking at you, Healy Clock Tower), they’re now available for barter over on College Craig. In a listing that went up earlier this afternoon, we found another clue in the Mystery of the Missing Clock Hands. The culprits, going by the aliases of Reaper, Goliath and Juliet posted this poem:

Our friend runs but cannot walk, at times sings but never talks, 
He looks down on us all from a tower so tall.
And as graduation comes closer you’ll all want to recall
that time when you did the most daring act of all.

We’ll give you a “hand” if you’re willing to trade
for a campus celebrity who has recently made
quite the build up for just a little pup.

We have your key to make Hoya history
And since we’re not much for publicity 
we’ll give it back in double, but don’t want any more trouble.

The semester is getting late so stand down
bring us the dog and wait wait wait”

Hoya Saxa!
Reaper, Goliath, and Juliet

So Georgetown, looks like we’re faced with a pressing question – is the trade of Jack Junior for the Healy clock hands a fair one?

Photos: Flickr and Georgetown University

Who Stole the Hands from Healy Clock Tower?

For the first time in years (since 2005 to be exact), the hands have been stolen from Healy Tower. For those not familiar with the tradition, Wikipedia has a helpful summary:

Historically, students would steal the hands and mail them to the Vatican, where they are supposed to be simply stamped ‘return to sender’ and returned to the university. One such incident caused significant damage to the clock mechanism, however, and security has been increased as a result in recent years, decreasing the incidence of the theft. These measures have not prevented students from successfully obtaining the hands however, as they are captured every five to six years.

But the big question remains – who’s responsible for today’s shenanigans? While DPS investigates the situation, we’ve rounded up the usual suspects to see who might have the best motivation to scale the tower.

WGTB They were  the first to report that the clock hands had been stolen, beating both The Hoya the the Voice to the punch. In an effort to earn the recognition they deserve as a campus media outlet, perhaps some rogue WGTB members nabbed the hands and went straight to Twitter.

The Voice Or maybe it was another campus media group – our friendly rivals over at Vox Populi are acting like they don’t know the thieves’ identities, but that could all be a ruse.  Hey Vox, we’ve got our investigative journalism pants on too (they’re a little snug).

DPS Breaking up dorm parties and enforcing GOCard checks in Lau doesn’t make for the most exciting life. They hold the keys to all the buildings on campus, and nobody would question them heading into Healy at odd hours of the night. Who’s to say that DPS didn’t do this themselves to liven up finals season?

The Corp Not ones to shy away from big marketing ploys (I heard something about free slushies? for life??), the Corp could be behind this. We’re just waiting to see what goes up in place of the regular hands – Corp storage boxes? T-Shirts? Slushie machine?

The Tombs Not content to decorate their walls with rowing paraphernalia alone, a few brave Tombs waiters pulled themselves up by their bow ties to grab the hands off of Healy Tower.

Class of 2012 Our most likely culprits. If it’s true, they’re going out in a blaze of glory before graduation that we can only aspire to match. Come forward, brave souls! We would love to shake your hands (and add your names to the Wikipedia page for Healy Hall).

Photo: Michelle Cassidy/The Hoya