America’s latest obsession: $1.3 billion in winnings could be yours! However, it is more likely that you get hit by an asteroid, find buried treasure, became president a ca-jillion times, you get the picture… But let’s just say you do win, you did it, you’ve won! What’s next?
If you don’t faint, have a heart attack or experience any other mind-altering impairment, 4E advises you to take the following steps:
1. Stay Quiet: As much as you’d like to, as much as you’re probably rolling on the ground with excitement, don’t tell anyone! This is the kind of money that not only will have every last distant, twice-removed cousin calling you up, but also could put a target on your back (see #5 for how to hire your own secret service).
2. Talk Business: Call your lawyer and your financial advisor. Seriously, we here at 4E believe that there is a point at which you have more money than you know what to do with (however we are giving you great guidance here), so you’re going to have to invest it. We suggest the following stocks: adult coloring books, hover-cars, Mars and fixing the chipotle epidemic (an anti-E. coli stock?).
3. Treat Everyone: Treat your mom, your dad, and all of those distant removed relatives we mentioned before. This is a superbly greedy method — believe it or not — as spending on others will increase your overall well-being and limit the risk of becoming one of those depressed lottery winners who feels their life is without purpose.
TREAT YOURSELF. Puppies, unabashedly paying extra for guac, Uber to class and bribery. It can all be yours for the right price.
4. Be Philanthropic: Create your empire. However you wish to change the world, the limits are endless. Now’s your time to cure cancer, to put an end to money and politics, to invest in every individual in a small country, to create a chain of charter schools and thus change the minds of the future forever! ~Create your legacy today~.
BUT. If you don’t win, just remember: you’re not alone and you (likely) didn’t get hit by an asteroid.
Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, usuncut.com