So You Won the Powerball?!

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America’s latest obsession: $1.3 billion in winnings could be yours! However, it is more likely that you get hit by an asteroid, find buried treasure, became president a ca-jillion times, you get the picture… But let’s just say you do win, you did it, you’ve won! What’s next?

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If you don’t faint, have a heart attack or experience any other mind-altering impairment, 4E advises you to take the following steps:

1. Stay Quiet: As much as you’d like to, as much as you’re probably rolling on the ground with excitement, don’t tell anyone! This is the kind of money that not only will have every last distant, twice-removed cousin calling you up, but also could put a target on your back (see #5 for how to hire your own secret service).

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2. Talk Business: Call your lawyer and your financial advisor. Seriously, we here at 4E believe that there is a point at which you have more money than you know what to do with (however we are giving you great guidance here), so you’re going to have to invest it. We suggest the following stocks: adult coloring books, hover-cars, Mars and fixing the chipotle epidemic (an anti-E. coli stock?).

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3. Treat Everyone: Treat your mom, your dad, and all of those distant removed relatives we mentioned before. This is a superbly greedy method — believe it or not — as spending on others will increase your overall well-being and limit the risk of becoming one of those depressed lottery winners who feels their life is without purpose.

TREAT YOURSELF. Puppies, unabashedly paying extra for guac, Uber to class and bribery. It can all be yours for the right price.

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4. Be Philanthropic: Create your empire. However you wish to change the world, the limits are endless. Now’s your time to cure cancer, to put an end to money and politics, to invest in every individual in a small country, to create a chain of charter schools and thus change the minds of the future forever! ~Create your legacy today~.

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BUT. If you don’t win, just remember: you’re not alone and you (likely) didn’t get hit by an asteroid.

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, usuncut.com

The 5 Stages of Writing an Essay at the Last Minute

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It’s 9 p.m., you have a 10-page paper due tomorrow and you’re feeling good: you have the whole night (and morning) ahead of you. What could possibly get between you and completing this paper? Sure, you should’ve started it earlier, but you were waaaaaay too busy to even think about it and, besides, there’s no looking back now. All you can do is forge bravely ahead into the vortex of procrastination and self-pity that you are inevitably doomed to enter, with its various stages listed below. See you on the other side.

Stage 1:  Blissful Oblivion

“If I start writing now and don’t stop, I can probably be done by 11:00pm and get, like, 10 hours of sleep,” you tell yourself wishfully with a wholehearted, adorable belief in your own lies. You imagine yourself typing the final sentence of your groundbreaking essay and glancing confidently at the time, impressed with your agility. You’re honestly the best. Now, all you have to do is actually start writing. *Open Microsoft Word document*

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Stage 2: Unavoidable Distraction

Hey, remember that TV show you used to watch in 9th grade and were completely obsessed with? You don’t, until the moment you have to start writing this paper. But, how can you start writing when you don’t even know what those actors are doing with their lives these days? This is critical information. While mindlessly IMDB stalking these strangers and searching for old episodes on YouTube, you might as well check your newsfeed, text a killer one-liner into the group chat and play around with Snapchat filters. While you’re at it, you might as well Facebook stalk that kid who used to sit in front of you in AP Biology. All of a sudden, this information seems totally relevant and interesting. Besides, what’s the difference between starting at 9 p.m. versus starting at 10 p.m.?

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Stage 3: Shameless Self-Indulgence

It’s currently 12:30 a.m. even though you could’ve sworn in was 10 p.m. five minutes ago. How did this happen? It’s seriously time to get to work. But, wait, how can you work when you’re starving? You absolutely need to get food immediately, and then you can definitely churn out an amazing essay in no time. “If I write three paragraphs now, I’ll reward myself with something highly caloric and temporarily fulfilling,” you tell yourself in a blatant act of bribery. You force yourself to write three paragraphs and then treat yourself to the most convenient food item you can find. Normally, you’d be able to finish out this paper now, but you can’t ignore the fact that you’re exhausted. Eventually, you’re able to get your hands on some caffeine, and continue forging ahead.

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Stage 4:  Frantic Desperation

Congrats! You’re five pages in. That’s great except for the fact that you’re only halfway done (sorry). It’s also 2:30 a.m. and suddenly you’re feeling weirdly reflective and philosophical. “What even is an essay?” you ask yourself after rereading your most recent paragraph so many times that half the words don’t look English anymore. At this point, you’re growing increasingly hopeless and start analyzing your life choices. In a brief moment of desperation and lunacy, you wonder what would have to happen to you in order to not be required to turn in this essay tomorrow. You promise to never put yourself in this situation again. You’re great at keeping promises to yourself so this shouldn’t be a problem.

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Stage 5:  Relieved Acceptance 

Realistically, if you just keep writing, you should be finished by 4 a.m. and be able to call it a night morning. This single thread of hope is enough to sustain you, and allows you to complete your sixth, seventh, eighth and, eventually, ninth page. A rush of relief washes over you as you begin the tenth page. You’ve made it to the finish line. Life is beautiful.

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Moral of the story: You should 100% procrastinate as much as possible. See ya at Midnight.

Photos/Gifs: tumblr.com, giphy.com

Top Five Reasons to Join 4E

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By now, you should have heard of the Internet sensation that is sweeping the nation (ok, maybe just Georgetown): The Fourth Edition! And today is your lucky day, because we’re hiring. So if you love writing, have a weird affinity for guac, an unhealthy obsession with cats and/or don’t mind taking the risk of peeing your pants because you’re laughing so hard, then we want YOU. If you’re still not convinced, here are a few more reasons you need to apply.

1. You will receive instant new best friends… and we are AMAZING. If you don’t join, you’ll be left with #nonewfriends. No one wants that.

2. Looking at GIFs all day instead of studying becomes “research.”

3. Conducting ridiculous photo shoots across campus is not out of the question.

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THIS COULD BE YOU

4. You’ll become part of a prestigious campus tradition… Well, sort of.

5. THERE WILL BE SNACKS. Because without snacks the world would be a really, really sad place.

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So if you’re still on the fence… well, that’s just impossible. And luckily for you, you have until Jan. 16 at 5 p.m. to apply! So grab your laptop, bring your sass, channel your inner Beyoncé and get writing! To join Georgetown’s craziest club, all you have to do is apply here.

And be sure to join the Facebook event for all the application information!

Photos: memecrunch.com, Emma Holland/The Hoya; Gifs: gifwave.com

Winter Break, as Told by Kristen Wiig

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Winter break is a sacred time for college students, when they will experience a variety of different events and encounters. Some of these things we will try to avoid at all costs, while some we have been waiting to happen all year long.

For guidance on the events that winter break entail, we decided to look to one of 4E’s favorites: the wonderful comedian Kristen Wiig. Let her guide you through your break itinerary:

When you see that person in your high school graduating class that you haven’t talked to since graduation.

When you accidentally get a little tipsy at the family Christmas dinner.

When you and your cousins fight over who is the favorite grandchild.

Note: the answer is obviously you.

When your friends back home grill you about any girls/guys.

Christmas Eve.

AKA best holiday EVER

When you go overboard on Christmas cookies, fudge, or pie.

Oops….

When your parents ask you to help out in the kitchen.

New Year’s Eve.

And the next morning…

As you can tell, winter break is full of events, mishaps and interesting encounters. Be sure to handle all of these adventures with the grace and flair that the great Kristen Wiig possesses.

Photos/Gifs: http://www.lifed.com/bucket-list-225-things-to-do-before-you-die/7; GIPHY.com

ONLY 1 DAY LEFT TO APPLY FOR 4E!

One day more 2Hold the phone, it is Monday? Gasp! That means you only have ONE more day to apply to 4E.

tumblr_lblsalFFyU1qbb7dio1_500Do not fear: There is still time!

Since we know that every Georgetown student dreams of being part of our team, we are providing you with just another friendly reminder.

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(You’re so right, Meryl.)

So… Do it.

Now.

Please.

WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS POST AND NOT APPLYING?

This is not a drill; you literally only have one more day. And how sad would it be if you missed that deadline?

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Answer: This sad.

Still not convinced? Here are some things that you wouldn’t be able to do if you did not join 4E:

1. You would not be able to hang out, brainstorm and write with the most amazing people on the planet.

2. You would not be able to use gifs uncontrollably (actually you probably could but it is not the same).

3. You would not get to be Internet famous … because essentially, that’s what we are: FAMOUS.

4. You would not get to talk about Miley, 24/7. (Again, you probably could, but you secretly want to be doing it with us.)

5. You would not get to post about 4E crazily on social media. (Once again, you still can, and we actually encourage it, but it might be a little weird to other people.)

You still haven’t applied to the 4E?

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Ha. Good one. That must be a joke. Come on.

So click this link and join the magic!

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Applications are due TODAY, Sept. 14 at 5 p.m.

Now, seriously, apply.

Gifs: tumblr

A Lonely Hoya on the Hilltop

All AloneWhen you arrive on campus four days before classes start, you’re greeted by something that looks a little like this:

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You know it’s bad when you can walk from Epi to Village A and not see a single soul cross your path. Except that squirrel digging in the dirt. Hey, squirrel! Wanna hang out?

As lonely as it is without all of you here on campus, having the Hilltop to yourself does have a few advantages:

1. There’s no problem finding open tables on Lau 2! But wait, I have no homework to get done.

2. No homework! No classes! No rules! But no one to go out with.

3. I can pass the time with hours of Netflix! But I was already doing that for the last 3 weeks.

4. I can build a snowman out of the snow that’s already melted.

5. I can appreciate the architectural beauty of Lau.

6. I can write a blog post.

7. I just wrote this blog post.

8. I can… I can…

I guess there are only so many things a girl can do when she’s got a whole campus to herself. And I’m pretty sure the pipes in my apartment have never made so much noise as they did last night. It just goes to show how much Georgetown is really made by the students who are here. Georgetown is an impressive place with big, beautiful buildings, but it’s just not the same without the people who make it tick.

So hurry back to campus, Hoyas. John Carroll and I miss you!

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Photos: Georgetown University, Deviant Art GIFS: Marnie Wallach for The Hoya

When You Get Back…

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The studying has been done. The finals have been taken. The papers have been written. All that’s left to say is . . . Congratulations, Hoyas! You made it through this year! All that’s left to do is sit back, relax and enjoy the summer (read as: intern, take classes and perform endless hours of unpaid labor to increase your human capital/build your resume until school begins again).

When and if — we’ll miss you, seniors — you return to campus this fall, some things will be the same. Rhino and Wisey’s will still be here, and we’re still going to call ourselves the Hoyas. But some things at GU are going to be radically different when you come back. Take a look:

You’re going to be in a different grade

This is for realz. You’re movin’ on up! Freshmen, you’re no longer freshmen. That means that you can’t make stupid mistakes anymore or ask where buildings are. You can’t walk around on Prospect Street in herds listening for noise and hoping to gain entry to a swanky soiree. People will judge you.

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Sophomores, you’re now juniors. You now have to start actually thinking about the real world. So basically, you’ll look like this:

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Juniors, you are now seniors! As in, the big kids. The head honchos. The ones who will be GRADUATING in the spring. It’ll be a bit like this:

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But also like this:

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You get to take new classes!

Remember that one class that you just absolutely despised last semester? It’s gone! So it’ll probably make you feel like this:happy-dancing

Unfortunately, you will still have to take some sort of classes though…

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…but who cares?!

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 You’ll have new fun stories to tell from this summer! 

Whether you traveled the world and had some crazy adventures…

Or did absolutely nothing and will have to make up something so you don’t sound like a loser.

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And if you’re a junior, you AREN’T going to have to eat at Leo’s!

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When you get back, you’re still going to read The Fourth Edition every day!

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And the biggest change of all when you return:

 They’re making Lau look pretty like Healy!

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Just kidding.

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See you next year, Hoyas!

Photo: Alexander Brown/The Hoya, Wikipedia; Gifs: tumblr.com

How to Prepare for the Arrested Development Premiere: Advice from GIFs

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My fellow ‘analrapists’:

Only one month and twenty-two days separate us from the brand new season of Arrested Development being released on Netflix.

Here’s some advice on how you should prepare yourself:

First, GET EXCITED

And make sure to get a lot of rest

Be sure to do all of your homework beforehand so you can watch every episode in one sitting. Maybe getting a tutor will help.

Make sure you’re showered and dressed in appropriate attire

Make some cornballs! Popcorn is overrated and much too safe.

Or if you’re not ambitious enough for the Cornballer, maybe just a banger in the mouth…er sausage in the mouth…I mean, just a sausage.

Patrol the halls outside your room to make sure nobody will hear you laughing at the top of your lungs.

Set up a computer, put it to full screen and remember:

And it’s okay to get emotional while you’re watching:

And if people tell you you’re getting too excited about this, just say

Get ready!

So, You Agree? You Think You’re Really Funny?

Screen Shot 2013-01-16 at 9.39.02 AMhipsterYou read the title of the post, and now you’re reading this because you do, in fact, think you are really funny. It’s fine. I would have done the same.

We’re all into inclusivity here at the Fourth Edition. This is a blog by students, for students. We want your contributions. Your humor. Your spark. We want you.

So, here’s the idea. Throughout the month of January, we’ll take photo submissions from you to be entered into a photo caption contest. The editors here at the Fourth Edition will pick our favorite photo, and for the month of February, you all will be able to email in caption submissions to BlogContests@thehoya.com The funniest five captions will be published with your first name and year for all of the world to see.

As much as using a pre-existing meme or of a baby and a fist is fun, we want to find something Georgetown — someone’s face (as long as you get their permission first … we don’t have an attorney for that kind of stuff), something on campus: You tell us. We will definitely have some fun with it. So scroll through dem iPhones and find us a gem. Soon enough, you can let your imagination run wild and reap the fame of submitting to, and potentially winning, a Fourth Edition contest.

Photo: Georgetown Hipster