Guide to Laufits

It’s officially midterm season, which means that there’s a good chance you’re procrastinating by reading this article somewhere in Lau. And if you’re searching for some more ways to avoid doing work, look no further: here’s a refresher on the five types of “Laufits” most frequently seen in everyone’s favorite architectural monstrosity.

1. The “Kendall Jenner”

The basic look: Heels. A “going out” top. Jeans that cost more than your meal plan. Something cool like a hat or red lipstick that you definitely couldn’t pull off if you tried.

When they’re not busy making you feel bad about the fact that you noticeably haven’t washed your hair in several days, the owner of this outfit can usually be found making the awkward walk from the elevators to Midnight look like a graceful strut down a fashion week runway. There’s a good chance that you follow them on Instagram. There’s a better chance that they do not follow you back.

2. The “Intern”

The basic look: J. Crew. Ann Taylor. Brooks Brothers. A Capitol Hill ID badge that they are inexplicably still wearing at 11 p.m. on a Wednesday in the middle of a college library.

You can usually find the wearer of this outfit carefully crafting their next insightful and completely necessary political post on Facebook or mapping out the logistics of their future GUSA presidential campaign two years ahead of time. There’s a good chance you follow them on LinkedIn. There’s a better chance that they were the ones who requested to follow you.

3. The “Self-Proclaimed Gym Rat”

The basic look: Neon running shoes. A headband. A Fitbit. Something from Lululemon. A yoga mat casually tucked under their arm. A conspicuous lack of actual sweat on any of these items.

Those who rock the standard “SPGR” attire are usually found loitering in Midnight. They may be found loudly commenting on how their favorite flavor of Vitamin Water Zero and/or Cliff Bar is out of stock while openly inquiring as to why they aren’t allowed to use the Thompson Center, or insisting that they could have been a varsity walk-on “if they tried.” There’s a good chance that you also just saw them take the elevator instead of the stairs to get to Lau 2 in the first place.

4. The “Guy Who Was at Jersey Night Until He Remembered He Had a Paper Due at 9 A.M.”

The Basic Look: Hair Gel. Pit Stains. An Allen Iverson/Alonzo Mourning/Patrick Ewing jersey. A New Jersey accent. An ID from a state that is not New Jersey.

Unlike the “Self-Proclaimed Gym Rat,” the person wearing this outfit is definitely actually sweating. And yelling. And attempting to simultaneously type and sober up, but not doing a very good job at either. This stylish individual is likely to be found taking way too long to figure out what they want from the vending machine and saying some variation of “Dude, seriously it was so lit, you gotta go next week” to every other person who walks by.

5. The “Lau 5”

The basic look: A sweatshirt. A pair of sweatpants, but not the “cute and cozy” kind that are moderately acceptable to wear in public. A baseball cap. Uggs, Crocs, or some combination of the two.

(Disclaimer: this is not an exaggeration. I once saw an actual human being wearing an Ugg on one foot and a Croc on the other on Lau 5 at 2 a.m. during finals week and it was one of the scariest things I have ever seen in my entire life. Please let me know if you have any potential information regarding this individual’s whereabouts because I want to make sure they’re alright.)

The true devotees of the classic “Lau 5” aesthetic are, of course, most frequently found in their natural habitat on the top floor. But rumor has it that if you wait patiently until the early hours of the morning, you can see them briefly emerge near that weird coffee vending machine on Lau 2. Should you be so lucky as to witness this rare occurrence, be sure to remember the most basic rule of Lau-etiquette: never ask someone wearing the full-blown “Lau 5” Laufit “How’s it going?” You will only be met with a long, sad answer involving an unreliable TA, a “quizlet” mishap, and a copious amount of tears.

So there you have it: five of the most popular Laufits. Consider what your Laufit says about you the next time you head on over to see if there are any more lemon poppy seed muffins left at Midnight write that big paper well ahead of the deadline! 

Gif source: giphy.com, library.georgetown.edu

15 Extreme Things to Give Up This Lent

Lent is here and you know what that means: the classic forfeit of chocolate, the avoidance of french fries and the (unpromising) theory of exercising more often.

Chalk it up to one word? Boring!

Instead of the old, dull suggestions of the past, why not try some innovative ideas that call for real sacrifice? Here are some of our proposals:

1. Give up peeling bananas.

Sound hard to you? Exactly. How are you going to open it? A friend? A knife? Are you going to avoid bananas the entire Lenten season? Let us know.

2. Give up smiling awkwardly at people you sort-of know when you walk past them.

I know it’s hard, but that’s the point of Lent. Keep a straight face, avoid eye contact or run away! Whatever is easiest, really.

3. Give up opening your mouth when you laugh.

      Chuckle softly, or not at all!

4. Give up wearing socks.

Whether you opt for sandals or challenge yourself with sneakers, this will definitely keep you on your toes. (Get it?!)

5. Give up eye contact altogether. 

      Shyly bat your lashes toward the ground to let people know you’re avoiding eye contact. They should catch on pretty quickly!

6. Give up all candy flavors except for grape. 

    Relish in the incredibly medicine-like taste of grape, a feeling you won’t know you can stand until you are forced to.

7. Give up sleep between the hours of 3:15a.m. and 4:45a.m.

    Set an alarm and keep your body constantly alert to change!

8. Give up contacts, glasses or any other aids to your vision. 

    Whether you’re mildly impaired or actually blind, this is a challenge to not only you but the people around you!

9. Give up the use of your hands. 

      Pick up items with the strength of your toes if you have dropped something. Otherwise, kindly ask an acquaintance to do literally everything for you!

10. Give up Piano Bar. 

      Hmm…too soon?

11. Give up stopping for pedestrians.

      Got a car? Make a point! Though dangerous, this Lenten promise will really challenge you!

12. Give up the letter “E.”

    Paprs, -mails, and prtty much any tchnological communication may b slightly mor difficult, but if you put your mind to it, you can do anything!

13. Give up the temperatures between 70 and 78 degrees. 

    Often the comfortable temperatures for a generally cold person, give up familiarity and either shiver or sweat yourself to sleep!

14. Give up opening doors.

    Trying to get out of your classroom? Let someone else help you out. Trying to get into a car? Just let that Uber driver know you need his assistance. How about a way out of your dorm room? Kick it down like Jack Bauer or loudly cry until a concerned neighbor comes to your aid.

15. Give up turning left. 

Live on the wild side and avoiding turning left at all costs. It’ll hurt your brain and annoy your friends, but it’s sure to keep you occupied during Lent!

Gifs: giphy.com

The Seven Stages of Weekend Drinking Regret

We all at some point in our college careers, whether once or twice, or every week, experience the Seven Stages of Weekend Drinking Regret. Here at 4E, we put together a step by step guide, complete with informational gifs, to help you better understand your fluctuating feelings of  weekend regret.

1. Sunday: Self-disgust

You wake up Sunday morning feeling crusty and like absolute trash. Your brain is in a haze and you enter a period of self-loathing and overall unproductivity. The two reliable constants of the day are the constant pounding in your head and your repeated mutterings of “Why did I take that last tequila shot?”

2. Monday: Mild Productivity

You may feel some twangs of post-hangover and regret, but you can get some work done. You attend classes and begin to look at assignments but you’re not 100 percent yourself yet.

3. Tuesday: Totally You

You’re feeling yourself. You’re getting work done, feeling on top of your game. This is the upward swing, the peak of the week. You might even be contemplating going to yoga and starting a juice cleanse.

4. Wednesday: Willpower Waning

It’s Hump Day! The week seems to stretch on forever. A couple of your girlfriends are having a wine night. One glass won’t hurt, right? You only have a 9 a.m. But no, you hold out until at least Thursday.

5. Thursday: Thirsty Thoughts

The week sucked. You got a C on that paper you thought you killed. Your roommate broke your blender and now all you want to do is cool off and have a beer. You casually sip on one brewsky because you’re not in the MSB and you have class on Friday.

6. Friday: Freedom

The week is over! You can’t wait to get drinks with friends before heading out for a night of dancing. You can’t even remember your regrets from last Sunday. Who was that loser? Let’s take a shot!

7. Saturday: Sipping Something

This morning you woke up with a hangover, but it’s okay. You’re sleeping until noon, going to brunch, then planning on going out to that new bar anyways. You’ll just sip the hangover away. This is when you enter peak denial phase, as you try to reason away that 10-page paper you have to wake up tomorrow and write!


Sunday: and repeat.


Disclaimer: The seven stages were created based on expert advice from 21-year-old, very legal friends.

Images/gifs: giphy.com, greatist.com

Overheard at President Trump’s Inauguration

Well, it’s official: Donald Trump is The President of the United States. And while I’m sure all of you spent Friday, January 20th making signs for the Women’s March watching the inauguration ceremony, here are some of the best “Overheard at Inauguration” moments that you may have missed, courtesy of your friends here at 4E.

1. “Donald Trump, have my babies!”
-Yelled by a teenage boy during the Oath of Office

2. “This is the best day of my life!”
-A man without a jacket in the midst of the pouring rain

3. “I knew he was going to be President ever since the first time I  watched The Apprentice.

4. “Wait, I thought Ivanka was Trump’s wife?”

5. “If I knew he was going to win, I don’t think I would have voted for him.”

*as it started to rain*

6. Girl in the Crowd: “Rain Drop!”
Group of Trump Supporters: “Drop Top!”

As evidenced by that last one, there is still some good left in the world.  In the meantime, feel free to comment your own “Overheard” moments in the comments section below, because remember, there is (sadly) a good chance that the Leader of the Free World is reading this article as we speak!

Gifs: giphy.com

How to Throw the Perfect Inauguration Day Party

January 20th 2017 is an important date for two reasons. First, it marks the inauguration of our nation’s 45th President and ushers in a new and unprecedented era in American history. Secondly, and much more importantly, it’s an official Georgetown University holiday, which means that we all get to be MSB students for a day and share in the luxurious experience of having no Friday classes! So if you’re searching for a fun way to spend your day off, look no further: we here at 4E have got you covered with some tips and tricks for the perfect Inauguration Day party.

Find the perfect spot to host

When you’re searching for the right place to throw your Inauguration Day bash, we recommend you choose a different location from wherever you hosted your Election Night party a few months ago- after all, nothing ruins a good party faster than terrifying flashbacks! Your best bet in terms of location is definitely the Village A rooftop. While you can’t really see the Capitol building from the roof, you can see the Washington Monument, which we all know provides the perfect patriotic background for that inevitable Inauguration Day Instagram, which you’ll probably post with an original, hilarious caption like #MakeAmericaLITagain

Invite some VIPs

To quote our next President, your party can’t be full of “losers and haters,” so when it comes to making your guest list, be sure to go the extra mile. Actually, you don’t even have to go a whole mile- just walk the few blocks to John Kerry’s house and invite him to your awesome party. He obviously can’t RSVP to your Facebook event for security reasons, so your safest bet is definitely to just go knock on his door and ask him face to face. His secret service agents totally won’t mind as long as you remember to extend the invitation to them as well. In the meantime, wander around campus and you’ll probably run into frequent Dahlgren Chapel-attendee, Joe Biden, or Georgetown’s favorite son and America’s favorite almost-first-husband, Bill Clinton. And after this election cycle, these guys are definitely ready to kick back and party, so be sure to toss an invite their way.

Make a playlist

No Inauguration Day party would be complete without the musical stylings of Trump’s new best friend, Kanye West. After the craziness known as the 2016 election, I don’t think any of us would even be surprised at this point if Kanye somehow ended up with a Cabinet position. In fact, we’re calling it now: we think a Trump/West 2020 ticket is in our future (in four years, remember you heard it here at 4E first!). And if Kanye’s ascent into the political arena is imminent, we must enjoy his musical genius while we still can. So at your party, be sure to “Runaway” from your fears about the next four years, ignore all those fake news stories and focus on the “Facts (Charlie Heat Version)” and remember that we can still be “Stronger” together even though Donald Trump will soon have all that “POWER” to “Run This Town.”

Choose beverages wisely

If you’re still feeling patriotic and want to make a political statement at your party, follow President Obama’s lead by enacting your own symbolic sanctions against Russia in the most college-way possible: boycotting Russian-brand vodka. In terms of what you can realistically afford, this basically means no Russian Standard and no Stolichnaya. Don’t worry, Smirnoff doesn’t count. If you’re looking for an alternative, we here at 4E recommend everyone’s favorite delicious (and American-made!) vodka, Burnett’s. For more information on this flavored poison refreshing beverage, check out some of our diligent research here.

There you have it: a few simple tips and tricks to make your Inauguration Day one to remember. And finally before we go, if you’re reading this, Mr. Trump (and based on your bizarre social media habits, there’s sadly good chance that you actually are), we wish you luck. Despite our differences, we hope that you prove us wrong and use these next four years to help lead our country in the right direction. But in the meantime, we here at 4E will continue to contribute to the “crooked media” by low key roasting you on a regular basis. Here’s to the next four years, neighbor.

Gifs: giphy.com, teepublic.com

President-Elect Donald Trump’s Cabinet Picks Celebrity Apprentice Version

trump cabinetIt has been a little over a month since our nation elected our 45th president, and slowly but surely, our country is accepting the results. President-elect Trump has just about finalized his Cabinet, leaving many Americans equally disillusioned. With that being said, I am not here to comment on politics or on the choices our President-Elect has made, but rather, to offer my opinions on who he should have appointed to Cabinet positions from his wildly successful television series, The Celebrity Apprentice. I whole-heartedly believe these “celebrities” could do the job better than anyone our future president could nominate.

Education Secretary: Lil Jon

Who could be a better Education Secretary than Lil Jon? With a high school education under his belt and a grasp on the English language so strong he was able to come up with the party-shattering lyrics:

“Fire up that loud
Another round of shots

Turn down for what?” (repeat 5x)

This man clearly knows what a good education is all about. All jokes aside, he could do wonders for schools’ fine arts programs.

Secretary of Health and Human Services: Lisa Rinna

The clear pick of all former cast mates is Lisa Rinna. This woman knows what she is talking about in regards to surgeries. She is an admitted fan of Botox and can talk about lip injections more knowledgeably than a plastic surgeon.

Secretary of Transportation: Khloe Kardashian

I would like to start off by saying the Kardashians are practically America’s royalty, so obviously one of them needs to be in our government. Khloé should be a go-to pick for Trump, considering she knows a thing or two about expensive cars and private jets.

Secretary of Treasury: Teresa Giudice

Another no-brainer: why wouldn’t we want Teresa Giudice in charge of the Treasury? She went to jail and learned her lesson about fraud and tax evasion, so who better than to manage our nation’s wealth? If anyone knows anything about the importance of healthy finances, it is this woman.

Secretary of Defense: Piers Morgan

Have we all seen Piers Morgan’s Twitter attacks on Chrissy Teigen? I mean honestly I would not want to oppose this guy. All it will take is 140 characters for him to bring down Putin.

Administrator of Environmental Protection Agency: Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi

Similar to Teresa Giudice, I think Snooki would be an excellent addition to our nation’s Cabinet considering she has learned from experience. After PETA put Snooki on blast for dyeing her dog purple, I truly believe she is a reformed woman and would do our nation well by serving as Administrator of Environmental Protection Agency.

Administrator of Small Business Administration: Stephen Baldwin

As the not as famous Baldwin brother, Stephen knows what it is like to deal with “less.” Less fame, less fortune, less popularity. Therefore, who would be better-equipped than to deal with small businesses, who, let’s face it, cannot compare to corporations like Microsoft and Apple, than Stephen Baldwin?

Ambassador to the United Nations: Sharon Osbourne

The clear pick is Sharon Osbourne. She has a British accent, need I say more?

So who will be President-Elect Trump’s Secretary of State appointment? Your guess is as good as mine, but if we’re going by The Celebrity Apprentice cast, my vote would be for Kevin Jonas because, come on, who wouldn’t love a Jonas in the spotlight again?

Gifs: giphy.com

4E’s Guide to Spotting a Freshman

freshmanFreshman year is described as a “time of transition.” It is almost like a second awkward stage since you have to adjust to a completely different lifestyle (except hopefully you’re rocking a better haircut this time around). Perhaps the biggest “no-no” of being a freshman is looking like a freshman. Here are five obvious ways to spotting a freshman.

1. Still Reps Their High School Gear

Yes, your school might have provided you with endless Nike and Under Armor apparel, but perhaps this is best left at home so that you can pledge your allegiance to your new school: Georgetown University. On the other hand…

2. Wears Head to Toe Georgetown Clothing

We get it, you go here!!!! We know how hard you worked to get here and understandably, this comes with quite a bit of school pride. But maybe just pick the Georgetown sweatshirt and don’t go for the full on HoyaSaxa sweatsuit (including Georgetown hat and socks).

3. Wears a Lanyard with a Key Around Their Neck

Much like an ugly haircut during your awkward stage, this is simply a phase every freshman goes through. Learn from it and move on is all that I can say.

4. Actually Dresses Up for Class

No, this is not the Oscars, nor is it another Kardashian wedding. This is class (i.e. a time to catch up on sleep learn). You do not need to wear the finest clothing in your wardrobe. Please take note that athleisure is a trend people!

5. Only Travel in Packs

Have you ever seen a freshman by himself/herself? Probably not. There is safety in numbers and freshmen simply have not learned the concept of independence. We get it! You’re new here and don’t want to look stupid alone. We promise no one is judging what you’re doing; we’re all too busy worrying about whether or not Kim Kardashian will ever return to social media or if Brad Pitt will get more than a monthly visit with the kids.

If you spot a student with one (or all) of these attributes, you can be certain they are a freshman. But hey, go easy on freshmen: you either are living it or have lived through it. The same way you wouldn’t want 4E to investigate your middle school years, freshmen don’t want to be ostracized by their older, significantly cooler peers.

Gifs: giphy.com

Mastering the Freshman Year Humblebrag

n-LEGALLY-BLONDE-LAWM-large570Congratulations to all first years on getting this far in your journey to the Hilltop! Trust me, I know it hasn’t been an easy road. Tackling the various questions of your incoming summer is always painful. These questions tend to take a toll on you as summer progresses.

Questions like: “If I do poorly on the summer reading assignment, can I still graduate Magna Cum Laude?” “Georgetown has given me no guidance, but I have to submit my preregistration in three hours; what do I do?” “Where is the Qatar building? Is it by Leo’s?” “Was what Becky S. said in the Facebook group mildly racist?”

We’ve dealt with them all, and I can assure you, you’ll get through it. However, this isn’t even remotely the most difficult part of making the transition to Georgetown’s campus. The most difficult task you have in your first two months on campus is to master your Freshman Year Humblebrag. It’s something you won’t hear on your campus tour and there won’t be an infographic about it in your Welcome Packet, but The Fourth Edition is here to teach you how to perfectly craft your unwarrantedly braggadocios sound bites that will propel you from “irrelevant first semester freshman” to “somewhat-irrelevant first semester freshman!”

On a campus where 33% of students are fluent in more than one language, acceptance rates average out to about 16% and some clubs receive hundreds of applications only to admit a class of 3 or 4 lucky allstars, it’s not always easy to stand out among the excellence that is around you. I will always remember hobbling into class my first day with an overfilled backpack, an inappropriately-large bag of half-eaten Baked Lays and a misguided idea that I was going to take over campus in a matter of weeks with the most inflated and undeserved confidence there ever was. Fifteen minutes into my first class, after I had taken 3 pages of notes on my professor’s introduction, I thought I had this in the bag… that was until we went through a circle of introductions and I realized how deep at the bottom of the heap I was.

The girl sitting next to me wasn’t halfway into her story of starting her own environmentally-conscious company before I quickly had to hold down the Baked Lay regurgitation, as I became sickened by my overall inadequacy. Everyone has one of these moments and I’m here now to help you so that you respond promptly with an effective humblebrag to deflect as much as possible.

Here are four prime opportunities to develop your inflated backstory through a series of humblebrags:

1. The Facebook Group Humblebrag: Now, I’m not one to encourage participation in the Facebook group due to the fact that everything you post is read by all members of your incoming class and they will use it as kindling to ignite awkward conversations during New Student Orientation, but if done correctly, the Facebook Group Humblebrag could be extremely effective. With such a captive audience, there’s no better way to get the word out about your accomplishments than a quick brag hidden in language that looks to be sincere.

Examples:

  • “My graduation video came in today and my valedictorian speech was so unfunny! Maybe I should join improv to work on my jokes haha!”
  • I just got back from my extensive volunteer trip in Africa and all of the people I met asked me what a ‘Hoya’ was? LOL I didn’t know how to explain it!”
  • “Did anyone else get an invitation to this exclusive program during NSO that clearly states on the front for ‘exceptionally engaged students’? Or was that just me XD?”
  • “Does anyone know how they evaluated admissions for pre-orientation programs? Seems so hard because we’re all so accomplished! WELL ANYWAY I GOT INTO FOCI!!!
  • “Here is a picture of my schedule. So hard to pick classes when I was still waiting on all of my AP credits to be confirmed. Is 400 level hard?

2. The Admissions Story Humblebrag: This is one of the most effective humblebrag tactics in the game, especially during your first week on campus. Irresponsibly rewriting your admissions story can gain you instant credibility among your peers. There’s nothing more impactful than making someone feel unreasonably inferior to you for getting into the same elite institution that you did.

Examples:

  • “Honestly, my college counselor told me I could really pick from any school I wanted based on my grades and scores. I was like so upset he couldn’t narrow it down!”
  • “I decided to pick a school based on fit. Screw rankings am I right!?”
  • “Telling my parents that I was going to choose Georgetown over a top 10 school was like really hard.” 

3. The College Class Humblebrag: College is hard. You will do well in some classes, but you will also hopelessly struggle in others, especially if you are heavily involved. That’s why people here take academics pretty seriously. There’s no better way to hit someone at their core than by throwing in some creative tales of classroom interactions that are so over-exaggerated that they might just be believable.

Examples:

  • “Could you believe that the class average on our Macro midterm was a 64!? So glad I scraped by with that 85. Do you think that’s curved to an A? A-?
  • “OMG in my Intro to Ethics class, my professor singled my work in front of all 200 kids in the class!? I was so embarrassed.” (Still effective even if he woke you up from your deep slumber in the front row and commented about how detailed your doodles of Aristotle were.)
  • *After you find a stray syllabus of Madeleine Albright’s class on the ground* “Weirdest thing, Madeleine Albright practically BEGGED ME to take her class today.”
  • “He got a 1.4 on RateMyProfessor, but he grades me like so easily. I didn’t even study for the final and got an A!”

4. The Social Humblebrag: There’s more to college than grades and an effective social humblebrag can be quite the boost to your standing in the absolutely meaningless freshman pecking order. This is where you can get really creative. You can literally say the most ridiculously irrelevant statements to add to your credibility.

Examples:

  • “Dude, I don’t even mind the taste of Burnett’s. Like what’s all the hang up about?”
  • *Throws up after 1 Natty Light* Boot and Rally is my life motto. Seriously, it is. Check my Twitter bio.”
  • “It’s so weird. I got into this party of all seniors last night and I didn’t even have a sick ratio! It was just me and the boys.”
  • I made it into (insert prominent Georgetown student’s name here) Insta last night. It was no big deal, but you can see the side of my head right there back on the Vil A rooftop.

5. The Hoya Relative Humblebrag: Please don’t ask me why, but mentioning that you had an older relative that went to Georgetown immediately catapults you to celebrity status amongst your first-year peers. It’s as if that relationship means you are the social sage of your class. Try to leverage that as much as possible. And if you don’t have any family members that went to Georgetown, just say your distant cousin went to school with Bill Clinton like I did!

Example:

  • “When I visited my older sister, we went out to the Rhino, the Cuates and also the Tombs. I’ve been over the bar scene ever since.”
  • “My cousin basically ran this school, but like I want to forge my own path you know? Hypothetically, do you think our relationship will help me get into the Credit Union though?!”
  • “When my dad went here, there was a pub under Healy. I bet he definitely DFMOed with Maria Shriver.”
  • “My brother said that dorm parties are a thing of the past. I hear Brown House is the new spot. Maybe I can get some of you in?

I hope you take this advice to heart and good luck on weaving that one obscure Leadership Conference you attended during your sophomore year of high school into your NSO introduction!

Gifs: tumblr.com; huffingtonpost.com; mtv.com

‘Twas the Night Before Georgetown Day

twas

T-Minus 1 hour and 23 minutes until Georgetown Day 2014 is upon us and most Hoyas are getting to bed early to prepare for tomorrow’s festivities. We stumbled upon this ingenious status by Ben Maher (SFS ’15) on Facebook and wanted to share its brilliance with the campus. Enjoy!

‘Twas the Night Before Georgetown Day

‘Twas the night before Georgetown Day, when all thro’ Lau 2,
Not a student in sight, they had no work to do;
Hoyas were nestled all snug in their bunks,
Eager to wake up at dawn and get drunk.

Too anxious to sleep, their hearts filled with wonder,
Which among them would be first to chunder;
Salmon shorts hung in the closet with care
In hopes that the keg-and-eggs would soon be there.

And I settled in for some light springtime snoozin’
To catch a little rest ‘fore a long day of boozin’
When on Healy Lawn there arose such a clatter,
I got up and looked to see what was the matter.

Out the window I saw through a blanket of fog
A priest with a mullet, at his feet a bulldog;
I dashed out the door, I couldn’t be quicker,
‘Twas ol’ Johnny Carroll, arms laden with liquor!

The bottles, they clinked and the beer cans, they clanked;
His stumbling gait revealed how much he’d drank;
He put on a bro tank and let out a yell
To be heard from Leo’s to the halls of Darnall.

“Now, André! Now, Franzia! Now, Jack and Jim Beam!
On, Natty! On, Keystone! On, Burnett’s Whipped Cream!”
From the Village A rooftops to White-Gravenor Hall,
Now, drink away! Drink away! Drink away all!”

Then he called me over with a chuckle so hearty
And conjured a vision of the upcoming darty:
There were girls in sundresses splayed out on the lawn;
Freshmen, hunched over toilets, already were gone.

Healy’s grand clock hands bathed in golden rays
While bros stumbled ‘neath in a deep drunken haze;
In ICC classrooms, to professors’ chagrin,
Students sipped out of coffee cups filled all with gin.

And Henle’s ol’ courtyard, so dark and so ratty,
Shone with the luster of crushed cans of Natty;
From up in his tower Jack DeGoia watched
All his happy Hoyas, so free and debauched.

And I knew, feelin’ buzzed in the fair April weather,
How liquor and sun brings the whole school together.
But then Jack the Bulldog gave out a quick bark,
And this glorious vision soon faded to dark.

Johnny Carroll bent down and rubbed the dog’s head,
And before they both vanished, a few words he said;
Grumblin’ and mumblin’ was all that I heard;
He was pretty wasted, his speech was all slurred;
But as to his meaning, well, I have a hunch:
“Happy Georgetown Day to all, and to all a drunk brunch!”

And this version from 2012 by Adam Ramadan (SFS ’14):

‘Twas the night before Georgetown Day, no more a line at Towne
Not a creature was stirring, well maybe a rat at house Brown.
The fridges were stocked, Natty Light all the way,
In hopes that the administration would let us all play.

The students were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of inflatables bounced in their heads.
The security guard in his outfit, and I with my books,
Crossing each other, cold as I shook.

When out on Healy Lawn arose such a clatter,
I sprang from Lauinger to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Peered out of Lau 4 and damn near almost crashed.

Healy Clock on the breast of the new-fallen lawn,
Gave beauty of Georgetown Day past to objects thereon.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a wonderful keg and a beer garden, don’t fear!

With a little old tap, so sturdy and quick,
I knew in a moment this was very ironic.
More rapid than I could have come up with a dream,
I saw in my eyes that silver keg gleam!

Now Natty! now, Keystone! now, Blue Moon and Hatter!
On Shock Top! on Budweiser, don’t continue to clamor!
To the top of Village A! To the top of LXR!
Now Dash away! Dash away! Dash away far!

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the rooftops the Georgetown students flew,
With fridges full of beer, and Jack Junior too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard a seesaw,
The prancing and clawing of many a paw.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Jack the Bulldog came with a sound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished from flip-cup and Beirut!
A bundle of goods he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a barista, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! His wrinkles how merry!
His paws were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His slobbery little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the hairs of his chin were painted like day-glow.

The body of the orange he held tight in his teeth,
And the orange juice it spilled surrounded him beneath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he barked, because he knew Syracuse was jelly!

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old bulldog,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of his drool, dawg.
A wink of his eye and a dip of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but looked rather honest,
Then muttered “Georgetown Day is what you make, so get on it!”
And laying his paw aside the dark night,
And giving a nod, his golf-kart did ignite!

He sprang to his cart, to Jack’s Crew he gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
“Happy Georgetown Day to all, and to all a good-night!”

5 Reasons Georgetown Students are NOT Ron Swanson

Ron SwaaaIf you haven’t read my friend Emily’s original post 5 Reasons Georgetown Students are Ron Swanson, please do. She’s hilarious and the “Drunk Ron Swanson” gif is life-changing. That being said, I’m going to have to respectfully disagree. As an avid fan of “Parks and Recreation” and a meat enthusiast, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say Ron Swanson would never put his coveted stamp of approval on the Georgetown lifestyle. Here’s the evidence to back my claim up.

5 Reasons Georgetown Students are
NOT Ron Swanson:

1. The Government

60% of the Georgetown population identify as government majors, according to a statistic I just made up. They’re everywhere. It makes sense because we live in the nation’s capital with so many amazing opportunities to intern on Capital Hill. Impressive, right? You know who doesn’t care about any of that? Ron Swanson.

2. Burnett’s

4E likes to consider itself the voice of the people, only slightly funnier and much sassier. So we write about Burnett’s and Leo’s. We give the people want the they want. As college students, the options for weekend liquid consumption are limited by our empty wallets and nonexistent credit scores. So we don’t complain when a Vil A only has Natty’s and Burnett’s. It’s expected. It’s understandable. You know who doesn’t understand? Ron Swanson.

3. Sweetgreen

We like to consider ourselves a fairly healthy campus where Lululemon pants and organic lettuce purchases from Whole Foods run rampant. WE LOVE VEGETABLES. In fact, it is difficult  to go a day without seeing one of the paper SweetGreen bags. We love the stuff. How could you not? They use the freshest ingredients and the most filling bread.  Also, it was founded by 2 Georgetown students so it’s a win-win, right? Let’s see what our good friend Ron Swanson has to say about this.

4. Yates

Running in a similar vein, I wonder what Mr. Swanson’s personal statement on exercise is…

5. Social Media

Guys we rock at social media. Post it on Facebook. Tweet it. Instagram it. BLOG it. We’re there. It’s kind of our forté outside of procrastinating and subsequently stressing out about how much we procrastinated. Georgetown was actually ranked #1 in social media influence out of colleges in the DMV area. You know who sucks at social media? Ron Swanson. It’s actually kind of sad as evidenced by the selfie he accidentally vined. #Basic

Stay gold, Ron Swanson. Keep fighting the good fight against the establishment, vegetarianism and technology. It’s a fight you’re sure to win.

Gifs: tumblr.com; Photo: tumblr.com