Front Page Fakeout: 3 Years Required But It’ll Be Fun We Promise!

front page fakeoutAn email sent to all students on Friday, April 25, announced the university’s new housing policy mandating three years of on-campus living, beginning with the Class of 2017. This has provoked much outcry from current freshmen, some of whom were intending to live on campus for only one more year but are now required to stay for two. However, a follow-up email sent today from the Office of Student Affairs has added that the university has decided to implement several changes to the residential halls as concessions to be in effect September 2014.

The email announced that several of the walls in various existing dorms will be knocked down, converting those floors into “large open spaces for the students to study.” The email goes on to say, “In accordance with our goal of developing a more residential living and learning undergraduate campus on the Hilltop, we will put plenty of tables in these study areas. Unfortunately, due to current budget constraints, these will likely not be top-of-the-line tables, but instead Ping-Pong tables or those flimsy plastic ones that people put out in their lawns. Additionally, there may not be enough in the budget for chairs, so many students will have to stand.”

When 4E called the Office of Student Affairs for comment, a representative read a prepared official statement: “We here at Georgetown pride ourselves on our emphasis on student space and academic excellence. The conversion of some residential floors into open study spaces is a prime example. Hey DeGioia, would you kiss those cups? Oh excuse me, that’s a not part of the statement.”

When pressed for more information, the representative added that there will be vending machines in place serving all kinds of sodas and juices. She went on to add that, in case one student didn’t have enough money on their GoCard for a “study break drink, we will even have red Solo cups provided so that a fellow student can share theirs. Men and women for others! … No you can’t get a celeb shot, I’m on a roll.”

Front Page Fakeout: The Rowdy Life of a Retired Mascot

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Notice: Front Page Fakeout is back, ladies and gentlemen! FPF is a parody post in which a 4E writer takes a story from The Hoya and puts an exaggerated and entirely false spin on it. Genius, we know. Front Page Fakeout uses invented names in its stories, except in cases where public figures are being blatantly satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. 

Jack the Bulldog may not frequent Verizon Center anymore due to his retirement, but that doesn’t mean he needs to stop being an all-star. Contrary to popular belief, Jack has found new stomping grounds, new ways to have fun and new crazy friends. In other words, he’s having a rollicking good time. But is it too good?

With Jack’s career coming to an end, the Hilltop needed a puppy replacement, pronto. Along came John B. Carroll, our new baby mascot. Jack’s first thought when he was notified of his long-awaited replacement was indubitably, TURN DOWN FOR WHAT? It was time for him to let loose.

Many university officials and Jack-insiders have said that since retirement, Jack still loves playing with other students. This is the understatement of the century. Jack has been “hanging out with the students” more than ever. He’s been spotted at Rhino, Malmaison, Brown House and even Rí Rá, despite only owning a vertical ID. Apparently, he’s quite the dancer. And allegedly, the Jumbo Slice workers in Adams Morgan have already made him his own tab.

What's in the water bottle, bro?
What’s in the water bottle, bro?

That’s not to say Jack is wasting away his retired weekends boozing. Jack always drinks responsibly, like all Hoyas over 21 and also like the Dos Equis Man suggests. (He and Jack are friends, obviously.)

Jack also has fun staring at fountains, reflecting in the Jesuit fashion and contemplating whether to jump in said fountains. Sometimes — to Fr. Steck’s dismay — he even goes skinny dipping, only to streak around campus minutes later.

"Wanna bet that I won't?"
“Wanna bet that I won’t?”

And you should see the way he’s been hitting the club scene throughout the District. He has his own personal table at Opera, and one worker there even commented that Jack “is constantly seen with models and other celebrities.” Basically, Jack lives life to the fullest. Rumor has it he’s even DJ-ing this week at the 9:30 Club.

"Okay, now pay up."
“Okay, now pay up.”

Jack is getting older, but he just doesn’t seem to want to slow down. He has been described as having a diva personality and, as we all know, there is no stopping a diva.

According to one Hoya, “Jack really seems to be going crazy in retirement. Apparently he blew off a press event with the Butler bulldogs so he could go party with Drake.”

Some students question what wild situation Jack will get himself into next. Here at 4E, we can only guess. But one thing is for sure: Though his mascot career may have ended, there seems to be no end in sight for Jack’s rowdy retirement.

Photo: http://www.totalprosports.com, http://traditions.georgetown.edu/jack/

Front Page Fakeout: Corp begins taking orders at new tattoo parlor service, CORP INK

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The Corp has recently announced that it is merging its existing printing service to include a new service, Corp Ink. This new storefront will offer Georgetown students a convenient on-campus location to get tattoos in lieu of getting them out in the greater Washington, D.C. area. The Corp, while best known for its coffee and bagels, has been making strides to diversify the types of services that it offers. Corp Ink has already begun taking orders and has offered its first 20 customers a 50% discount off their tattoos for serving as training subjects for the new fully student-run staff.

When interviewed, an anonymous new staff member at Corp Ink stated, “I don’t really know anything about tattoos or design, but I got rejected from UG and Vittles so I figured this was my next best alternative. I’m just here to learn!”

Corp Ink will be open Sunday-Wednesday in the afternoons and will be open with extended hours until 4 a.m. on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights. A representative from Corp Marketing stated:  “After doing the research, we learned that 68 percent of the tattoos administered in the United States were done so between the hours of 1 a.m. and 4 a.m. Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights. We are still stumped as to why this is, but we are conducting more research to look into this inexplicable trend.”

Some of the most popular orders Corp Ink has already received are the famous Georgetown “G”, J.J eating a balloon, the classic lower back butterfly and a variety of Chinese characters that reportedly translate to “kumquat”, “chapstick”, and “otter.” (We at The Fourth Edition believe that these meanings were not the intention of the customer but will be permanently etched onto their skin anyway)

 

Notice: Front Page Fakeout is a parody post in which a 4E writer takes a story from the front page of The Hoya and puts an exaggerated and false spin on it. The Front Page Fakeout uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

Front Page Fakeout: Georgetown University Suspends All Student Activities

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Notice: Front Page Fakeout is a parody post in which a 4E writer takes a story from the front page of The Hoya and puts an exaggerated and ENTIRELY false spin on it. The Front Page Fakeout uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

 

After numerous fraternities, sororities and other unofficial Georgetown groups weren’t allowed to table inside of the Student Activities (SAC) Fair on Saturday, Georgetown University officials have decided to terminate all student clubs, groups, and activities until further notice.

According to an anonymous source in University President John J. DeGioia’s office: “The chaos at Saturday’s SAC Fair approached a level [comparable to] a Walmart full of overeager Christmas shoppers on Black Friday. Students were talking at an above ‘indoor voice’ level. As a necessary consequence to these unprecedented actions, we have decided to permanently halt student participation in campus activities.”

A detailed memo released by the Office of the Provost explains the timetable of activity shutdown: “All activities must cease by January 20, 2013, and all documents correlating to student groups must be burned, shredded, or tossed into the Potomac in a frantic and unstable manner by that date.” The memo from the provost also threatened that if any clubs are not in compliance with the timetable, former Secretary of State Madeline Albright will quit the faculty and personally burn down the Rafik B. Hariri Building.

Despite the impending stoppage of the more than 200 student groups on campus, students seem to be taking the news in stride. Georgetown University Student Association senator Jane Hoyason even seemed pleased with the activities halt. “To be quite honest, activities aren’t a big part of life here at GU. The students here are some of the laziest, most unsuccessful people in the world. So really, who gives a flyin’ hoot and a half?”