Frequently Asked Questions: Thanksgiving Edition

Hoyas, Thanksgiving is right around the corner. Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, apple pie: A literal cornucopia of sweet and savory delights awaits you at your family dining table.

(Unless you’re staying here, in which case, Happy Friendsgiving!)

In spite of that thicc feast being prepared at home, one thing poses a threat to the sanctity of Thanksgiving: your family.

Yes, those people whom you may love the most, who have the ability to ruin your short holiday with the annual awkward interrogations about your life away from home.

And so, 4E has prepared this guide to help you navigate those cringeworthy FAQs around the dinner table.

What do you think of Donald Trump?

Oh, damn. Uncle Bob starting off strong.

Politics is bound to come up during the fall feast, and depending on your views, this question could be a real curveball.

No fear, though, because our professionally designed answer is to laugh awkwardly while walking away and saying, “Man, I don’t know.” Make sure to trail off on “know” to feign some “youthful ignorance” to avoid confrontation. Move quickly before your family starts debating immigration over the mashed potatoes.

Do you still go to church?

This one’s for all my people raised with organized religion (looking at you, Catholics) and is the logically awkward follow-up to a political question.

As your aunt plays with her golden cross necklace, you may feel anxiety in answering her inquiry, because, honestly, you don’t. For all those Christian expats out there, you couldn’t even recite the “Our Father” anymore if she asked. TBH, you always just kinda mumbled through that part.

So, to avoid that disappointing revelation to her, just lie and say “yes“.

And, like before, walk promptly away.

What’s your major?  What are your plans after college?

If these two come in sequence, you better be ready, because this one’s the mother of all one-two punches.

We’re actually going to start with the second question, because it’s the easier of the two. Let’s be honest; there are only two acceptable answers: doctor or lawyer. So, no matter what your major is, if you want to avoid a long line of questioning that ultimately leaves you pissed at your stupid cousin you only ever see once a year, just say doctor or lawyer.

By that logic, admit your major honestly and depending on whether it’s a humanity or a science, choose doctor or lawyer accordingly.

And if you do actually want to be a doctor or lawyer, lucky you.

Do you have a [girlfriend/boyfriend/partner]?

Nope. That’s always the answer, because whenever someone asks, you don’t.

Can you help with the dishes?

Alas, the classic parental guilt trap.

Either your father knows you can’t refuse to do a simple favor, or he’s giving too much credit to your turkey-stuffed corpse.

The dilemma lies in that you could never say no and break his heart, but you sure as hell don’t want to say yes.

Therefore, proceed with the most elementary of “avoiding awkward interactions” maneuvers: Walk away like you didn’t hear anything.

And, finally…

When’s the next time we’ll see you?

You’re at the train station, bus stop, airport or whatever means of transportation is taking you back to Georgetown. You’ve had your fill of food and family. You’re ready to go back and be thrown straight into finals prep.

You’re satisfied and holding it together.

Then, your mother throws this one last rock at you.

You smile and reassure her that Christmas is right around the corner, but despite all the ~uncomfiness~ that sometimes comes with seeing your family, you both want it to be sooner.

So, this is the only question we don’t have an answer for, and all we can do is wish you luck in keeping back tears while you start to miss your mom and her cooking.

Let the feast begin!

Go, Hoyas, run! RUN! Go home (if you can) and celebrate Holy Turkey Day! Papers and midterms and projects and WORK have consumed your life for the past two months.

We’ve all earned an extended break.

So, enjoy some real food with the realest people, whether it be your friends or your family.

And, most of all, get some sleep, because we’re all about to lose plenty of it as soon as we come back! :)

4E’s Thanksgiving Countdown

It doesn’t seem valid to get excited year after year about a holiday that in truth commemorates our subjugation of native peoples and destructive colonial ways, but let me tell you: I am excited for Thanksgiving break.

You may ask me, “What could be so exciting about five days in central New Jersey?” Well, first of all, New Jersey is the most underrated state. Second of all, a brief reprieve from midterms is exactly what I need to restore my sanity.

Please join me on a ~journey~ to cozy, fall-time feels. Whether you’re travelling home for Thanksgiving or not, these activities should allow you to start healing that part of your soul that a semester-long midterm season has sucked out of you.

First, play this song for maximum reading experience.

Day 1: Nov. 5

Divine your Thanksgiving horoscope. What’s in the stars for you this year? If you’re going home, will you finally hook up with your high school crush? Will you get taken to the hospital with an irreversible food coma? Only one way to find out…

Day 2: Nov. 6

Go vote. If you haven’t voted yet, please motivate yourself with the thought of Great-Grandma Pat’s wrath when you tell her you abused the right she fought so hard for back when they only showered like once a week or whatever. This way, when your family members start arguing at the dinner table, you’ll be able to validate the opinions you’ve honed in all of those SFS classes by proving that you’re an active participant in our democracy.

Day 3: Nov. 7

Plan out your plate. Everyone knows that going into the holiday meal without an attack plan is a fool’s errand. Use the below image to prevent future discomfort and maximize future deliciousness.

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Day 4: Nov. 8

Get the 411 on those crazy relatives you’re afraid to see. Call your mom. You should probably do this anyway, but for your own safety, ask her to give you an update about Aunt Linda’s “situation” so you’re not blindsided on the big day.

Day 5: Nov. 9

Start filling up your shopping carts. Two weeks before Black Friday, go against your better judgment and let those natural consumer instincts run wild. I’ve never actually shopped on Black Friday before, but I like to imagine that filling up online shopping carts is just as good.

Day 6: Nov. 10

Check out those fall colors. Get out of your musty apartment for once and take a walk somewhere in the city — it’s actually very beautiful here and we tend to take that for granted too often.

Day 7: Nov. 11

It’s cuffing season. Have you found your big/little spoon yet? It’s getting pretty chilly outside; you should probably get on that.

Day 8: Nov. 12

Convince your dad that a turducken is a bad idea. Tell him the hard truth: 55 is too old to spice things up, especially with the multi-meat equivalent of the Human Centipede. Like him, sometimes oldies are goodies — no more of this millennial nonsense.

Day 9: Nov. 13

Start packing. I’m serious. If you do it this far in advance, you’ll avoid that last-minute packing nightmare in which you somehow only bring home booty shorts, a turtleneck and over-the-knee boots.

Day 10: Nov. 14

Do something ~cute~ with your friends. Make a pie. Drink some chai. Discuss the best moisturizing strategies for preventing dry winter skin (non-spon but pls check out this account @dewydudes). Put aside homework for a sec and appreciate the value of good, wholesome fun.

Day 11: Nov. 15

Come up with a fake major to get your grandparents off your back. They don’t understand that you’re not wasting their money; you’re just finding yourself. So, pose as a Future Government Official/Investment Person to get out of hot water with the old folks.

Day 12: Nov. 16

Learn how to play football (?). I’m very thankful that my family does not maintain this tradition, but if yours does, it’s probably time to tighten up that spiral. Who knows, maybe you’ll get concussed and won’t have to take any more exams!

Bradley Cooper in “A Star is Born,” 2018 (colorized).

Day 13: Nov. 17

Thank your roommate(s). Whether you’re best friends or mere living partners, be grateful to this person for putting up with you. This way, your inability to wash dishes and sexiling habits won’t weigh heavy on your conscience over the break.

Day 14: Nov. 18

Friendsgiving! Get together with all of your friends for one last hurrah before going your separate ways. A group dinner feat. Leo’s turkey and mashed potatoes never looked so cute.

Day 15: Nov. 19

Watch the twurkey dance. This is a good distraction that will get you hype for the holiday.

Day 16: Nov. 20

What? Sorry. I’m already gone. If possible, remove yourself mentally and/or physically from the Georgetown environment. This could be done in the form of a really long nap, ripping up a blue book — you name it.

Hoya Saxa! I’m grateful for you <3

Sources: festival-collection.com, giphy.com, youtube.com, people.com

Six Types of Relatives You’ll Meet at Thanksgiving: Hoya Edition

As the holiday season draws near, Hoyas are gladly anticipating a break from their usual Leo’s meals—but at what cost? Here’s 4E’s rundown of the six types of relatives that we all just ~can’t wait~ to reunite with over this Thanksgiving dinner…

1. The Interrogative Relationship Guru

“Do you have a boyfriend? That’s too bad! What about the cute boy in your Instagram post?”

First of all, Grandma, he’s gay. Undeterred, she offers up her very best date ideas from “back in the day” as you stifle your laughter at the thought of any MSBro at a drive-in theater. You wonder if the sort of “fine young men” she continually references even exist on the Hilltop.

2. The Millennial Wannabe

Lucky for you, this aunt’s midlife crisis seems to have perfectly aligned with your annual encounter. Having seen your Snapchat story from last Friday, she proposes a “girls’ night out” at Chi Di next weekend. You promptly delete your social media and apply to study abroad.

3. The Deadbeat

Maybe your college life isn’t as wholesome as your grandparents may think, but unlike this cousin, at least you’ll definitely most likely end up with a diploma. You decide that introducing him to your SFS friends might set his life back on track but quickly think better of it. Having him around will make you feel better about yourself when next semester’s club rejection season rolls around.

4. The Diehard Trump Supporter

Tattooed with the U.S. flag and shamelessly sporting a MAGA hat, this uncle finds a way to blame everything on the immigrants—even this year’s burnt turkey. You politely bear the brunt of his incessant rant until he spots the GU College Dems and H*yas For Choice stickers on your laptop, after which he avoids all interaction with you for the rest of the night. Success.

5. The Shy Guy

Exchanging forced pleasantries with this relative is even more uncomfortable than leading a tour group on Georgetown Day. As awkward as the conversation is, though, it’s just like the ICC: you can’t find a way out.

6. The Annual Alcoholic

This relative looks as tipsy as the Wisey’s rat before the turkey’s even carved. She must have mistaken Thanksgiving dinner for a late-night Epi gathering, but at least by tomorrow she’ll forget the night ever happened, and you can equally pretend that it never did.

We at 4E bestow our deepest sympathy and respect upon any Hoya that successful endures a conversation with three or more of these ~special~ relatives. On a serious note, we hope you all enjoy your well-deserved break from school and express thanks for all the family members who’ve supported you from afar (even those who fall under one of these categories)!

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com

The 5 Types of Parents and Family Members You Met at Parents Weekend

Banner - Parents WeekendIt has been seven weeks since you left home to come to Georgetown. Whether you are returning for another killer year or are a first timer on the Hilltop, it is still hard being away from your family for seven weeks, which is why Parent and Family Weekend is a much welcomed affair. Here are the five types of parents you probably met during the course of the weekend:

1) The One Looking to Get Drunk With Their Kids

For this guy/gal, the opportunity to relive their glory days is too good to pass up. He/she had a great time in college and is looking to recreate the memories, only this time, their children will be present. What could be better (worse)?

2) The One Who Asks Way One Too Many Questions

This is the parent who could have looked up all of the info online, but would rather ask in person ensuring everyone’s annoyance. Before receiving an answer to one question, they are already onto the next. No matter how stupid the question, you better believe they will ask it.

3) The Alum

Yes, their son/daughter might have been living here for at least the past seven weeks, but this parent knows it better because they went here in the 80s. If they are not the one giving the tour to the family, they are definitely the one regaling the family with their “crazy” memories.

4) The One Who is Ready to Move in

This parent loves his or her kid, but might love Georgetown even more. They frequently mention loving the atmosphere and a willingness to give up everything to move here. Whether it’s nostalgia for the college years, simply love for everything that IS Georgetown or just really missing their kid, you’d better make room in your already cramped VCW for a surprise move-in.

5) The Sibling

Sure, they were excited to reunite with their sibling and explore the campus, but they were asked “Are you gonna apply to Georgetown?” a few too many times to enjoy the weekend.

So there you have it. Perhaps you met one, if not all, of these parents or family members this weekend. But what else is there to say besides: we at 4E LOVE our Georgetown parents and families!!!

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, usnews.com

Love Locks Inspiration: Family

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The deadline to submit your creative nonfiction for The Hoya’s Love Locks special issue is fast approaching. If, for some strange reason, you don’t know what this is, here’s a description of the project:

Inspired by the New York Times’ “Modern Love” essay series, The Hoya’s “Love Locks” project will publish submitted creative nonfiction pieces from students, professors and alumni.

The selected pieces will address love in a deeply personal, honest way — in the form of a true story — and explore predicaments that their writers have dealt with in their own lives.

We know that many of you are longing to submit your tales of love and romance, but might need some inspiration to get you started. So we’ve gathered some pieces for you to take a look at.

Perhaps you want to write about love and family…

NYT Modern Love: Unraveling a Dark Family Secret

“When my father finished telling me this story, he made me promise never to mention Raphi in front of my grandmother. No one ever did, he said, because it could make her angry or hysterical. He insisted I hide the secret from her in my own life just as he did in his.

But I wasn’t very good at hiding things, so I sought out my shadow uncle.”

NYT Modern Love: Missing a Father I Hardly Knew

“My father would often start to say something, then say “Forget it.” It would be right when he was going to be real with you, say what he was really thinking. Then he wouldn’t. It was almost as if he would be in danger if he did.”

The Hoya: It Takes a Village

“My mother passed just a few weeks after I was born, and so I never really had a mom. Technically, I never suffered a loss.

Mourning someone you’ve never really met is a very strange predicament to be in. Rather than grieving over the person, you grieve over the ‘what-ifs.'”

The Hoya: The Day We Became Five

“Our family used to have a dog. Sometimes, I almost forget what he looked like, what he sounded like, or even what he smelled like. It has been five years since a change of jobs and an impending move to the city made us realize that we, as much we didn’t want to say it, were not the right family for him. It wasn’t fair for him anymore. And just like that, a couple with a dog and two young kids of their own picked him up while I was at school one day. They left his blankets where he slept and his bowl by the door.”

NYT Modern Love: From Divorce, a Fractured Beauty

“And yet, we had been in love with each other once, fiercely and absolutely. Yes, our son and daughter were the children of divorce, but they were conceived in a love that was passionate and tender. They were innocent. They deserved better than a childhood spent bearing witness to our worst selves.”

Remember, submissions are due by Oct. 30.

Photos: The Hoya

The Five Stages of Being Home

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As we finish the first week of summer and settle back into our hometown routines, the reality sets in: we are not in Georgetown anymore! The metro, M street stores and Lau breakdowns have now been replaced with highways, malls and TV marathons. As this transition happens, we go through a variety of stages: from total excitement to suburbia induced madness.

1. “The Beginning” Ah, the first week back. The relaxation is setting in and you are being greeted by a bunch of familiar faces: the kitchen (fully stocked!), the local coffee shop and your bed. Nothing can get you down, you are on top of the world. Why did you leave in the first place, home is the bomb.com!

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2. “The Errands” As the days increase, you start to set into your normal routine. You get back into your normal routine: the gym, dry cleaner and gas station workers all welcome you back. Things are easy, the living is good and the stress is minimal. Ah, relaxation.

3. “The Boredom” Somehow you are reminded of your Georgetown life. Whether this is by Facebook or Snapchat, you suddenly realize that you miss your old life so so much. Where is Healy? Why didn’t I get to see Obama? Do Sweetgreen and Goodstuff deliver to Long Island?!

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4. “The Distraction” Naturally, to deal with this sadness, you try to distract yourself. You spend hours upon hours playing with your dog, snapchat all your friends who are still on campus and look through all your Hilltop photos. But, no matter how hard you try, you still cannot forget about Georgetown.

5. “The Acceptance” After a little bit, you accept that you are home, not on the Hilltop, and that it is okay. No, your home is not Georgetown, but it is special no matter what. Anyway, if you are lucky you’ll get to go back to the Hilltop in a few short weeks for some summertime living. For those of you who aren’t heading back, do not worry. 4E will be here to bring you your daily dose of campus while you are away. And, soon enough, you will be back were you belong (AKA with us).

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Hope your transition back to home life is easy!

Photos/Gifs: timeout.com; giphy.com; theodysseyonline.com; chiropractorlakeforest-thejoint.com

How to Survive Awkward Family Parties

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The holiday season is always the perfect time of year to lounge around binge-watching Netflix, take advantage of home cooked meals and attend as many family holiday parties as can be jammed into three weeks.

What? That last one doesn’t sound too fun.

Admittedly, family parties this time of year can be stressful, as you’ll likely find yourself deflecting questions left and right about your major and life plans from relatives you didn’t even know existed.

The worst thing you can possibly do in such a situation is be unprepared. If you find yourself stumbling over your words as you try and tell your Uncle Jim about Georgetown’s social scene, then you may want to keep reading as 4E presents the best ways to answer relatives’ awkward questions this holiday season.

Imagine this: you’re at a family party, minding your own business, sipping on some non-alcoholic eggnog and enjoying a festive holiday cookie.

Things are going pretty well, you’ve made some rounds and managed to avoid any super uncomfortable encounters so far. You feel like you’re in the clear when all of a sudden you hear your name being called loudly from across the room. Your palms begin to sweat as you slowly turn and see your mom’s third cousin twice removed wildly waving her arms in an attempt to flag you down. Sheer terror crosses your face as you realize it’s too late, she’s spotted you.  After a customary awkward greeting the interrogation begins…

You know, when I was your age, I was already engaged. Any prospects for you?

Yeah, I’m really hitting things off with [insert roommate’s name here]. We’re basically inseparable, so inseparable that we’re living together. We have a lot of the same interests, I mean we both agree that sloths are really weird animals. Plus, no one understands my eternal love of Eat & Joy pizza after a really late night quite like my roomie. I really think I’m in this one for the long haul!

Have you decided on a major yet? You don’t really have a lot of time left to decide!

I’m actually more of a free spirit so I don’t really think it’s necessary to make such definitive plans. I’ll just go with the direction of the wind and see where I end up. Nothing is really permanent anyway. You should understand where I’m coming from, right? Weren’t you at Woodstock?

How’s the social scene? I remember all my crazy times back in college!

When I’m not in the library studying, I sit quietly in my room all day waiting for my professors to assign more work. There’s really no time to be crazy in college anymore these days, things must have really changed…

So do you know what you plan on doing after graduation?

Yup, I know exactly what I’m going to be doing. After finding the cure for cancer, I plan on personally building a spaceship to take me to Mars. I’ll then use my new spaceship to get off of this planet in order to avoid any future awkward encounters with you. And hey, if this plan ever fails, I’ve always got my parents’ basement as a backup!

[Insert any question that takes you by surprise].

Quickly shove as many holiday cookies as possible into your mouth and start mumbling a response.  Pretend to choke on the cookies so you can quickly excuse yourself and hide for the remainder of the party. 

Best of luck this holiday season, Hoyas!

Photos/Gifs: survivingcollege.com, howlatthemoon.com, tumblr.com; kanyetothe.com

Post-Parents’ Weekend Survival Guide

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If your parents came this weekend, then listen up because you are most likely going through the same withdrawals that I am. For the last three days you have feasted at M Street’s finest culinary locations, walked countless miles on the mall and have expelled too much mental energy trying to figure out how to get your parents to feed your shopping addiction.

Parent’s weekend comes at a perfect time. The leaves are falling, the air is crisp, but before you know it, it’s Sunday night and you haven’t even started Monday’s homework. So, say goodbye to free brunches and three-course dinners and say hello to Leo’s and ramen. But don’t fret because here is a step-by-step guide to get you through the week.

Sunday night: After you have said those final goodbyes to the fam following a fabulous dinner, hit up your favorite study spot. Bust out that work that you’ve been putting off all weekend. You may be in a food coma, but savor the feeling because you have just stuffed your pie-hole with an all you can eat free dinner.

Monday: You have been trying for as long you as you can to put this thought out of your head, but the trek to Leo’s is inevitable. Yes, dining hall food may not be on par with brunch at Peacock Café, but think of it this way: You’ve had the chance to eat out all weekend. Get creative at O’Donovan’s by the Waterfront and make something to be proud of. If all else fails, just go straight for the ice cream and we won’t judge you because we know withdrawal is tough.

Tuesday: Wear sweats. Just do it. Your parents are no longer here so it’s time to break out the pajamas for class. That elastic waistband is calling your name. You’ll be thanking me later.

Wednesday: You’re feeling pretty proud of yourself because you’ve managed to survive two days on pure meal swipes. You’re craving a Wisey’s sandwich and an Oreo cookie. DO NOT BE WEAK. Sure, you have that $20 your dad slipped you before leaving, but save that for the weekend because you’re really going to need it then. Instead, make a pasta dinner with your roomies in your apartment or floormates in the common room. It’s cheap and can help you wean yourself off of your parents’ free food.

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Thursday: You most likely hit up that Vineyard Vines sale or were a part of the J Crew frenzy last week, so appreciate your new fall wardrobe. Organize yourself and you’ll be feeling stress free for the weekend.

Friday: Congratulations, you have made it to the weekend! Since you have been such a tough cookie, go ahead and treat yourself. We know your more upset by the absences of your loving family than the absence of the dinners at El Centro so spend that extra $20 on whatever your heart desires. You deserve it.

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When You Give a 14-Year-Old Boy a Cosmopolitan

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Cosmopolitan is the traditional guilty pleasure beach read of young women across the nation, boasting of insider knowledge like “The Touch that Locks Down His Love,” “How to Go from Blah to OMG in 60 Seconds Flat” and “Could Your Man Be Gay?” (all of which are real headlines).

Cosmo has always had a special place in my heart; I remember being a rebellious 16-year-old, buying one and reading it aloud with my girlfriends behind Pinkberry. We giggled and blushed at the articles and quizzes, surveying our horoscopes and flinching at the diagrams (these were my pre-HBO years). The boy advice was especially valuable. Not that I talked to boys then, but if I did, I imagine this advice would be especially valuable.

Though Cosmo seemed to have a biblical element about it back then, I’ll admit now some of the articles about what they universally lump together as the “male perspective” are kind of ridiculous. So I turned to one of the males I’m closest to and asked for his opinion on one of the many “what men think” articles. And even though Jameson is only 14, he’s the only brother I have and the one guy I knew who would take my calls (mostly kidding about that last part).

Jameson has been to several Bar Mitzvahs and uses Axe 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner, evidence of budding manhood that qualifies him to comment on Cosmo’s “Manthropology” section. And though he may not have the same perspective as “Tad C., 25” or “Jason S., 28” from the Guy-fessions section, I think he contributes to the male perspective.

The article I chose was called “18 Ways He Secretly Says ‘I Love You’” found in Cosmo’s online archives from April of this year. It lists actions guys do or phrases they say, and decodes what these signs really mean. So I told Jameson each of these male behaviors without telling him Cosmo’s analysis, and asked what he thought a guy meant by doing them. The comparison is shown below.

He gives you the last bite of dessert.

Cosmo: He knows chocolate means more to you than it does to him, and he won’t fight you for it.

Jameson: He’s full.

He cleans up after dinner even if he cooked when he knows you’re tired.

Cosmo: He doesn’t mind breaking the “you cook, I clean” rule or vice versa if he knows you just need to crash at 9 like an old lady one night.

Jameson: Maybe he likes cleaning.

He asks all the women he knows for help picking out your birthday present.

Cosmo: Because he knows you return EVERYTHING and is determined to get you something you won’t want to return.

Jameson: I guess he just doesn’t know a lot about the girl.

[I hear my mother’s voice in the background—she’s on high alert to whenever Jameson utters the word “girl.”]

He sits quietly next to you on the couch when he has to work late at home and you want to watch TV, just so he can be with you.

Cosmo: He doesn’t care that you’re ignoring him, he just wants to share air with you.

Jameson: He probably just wanted to watch TV.

He surprises you with an emoji text even though he hardly uses them.

Cosmo: Because he knows YOU love them, and he wants to speak your language and make you giggle even when he’s not with you.

Jameson: I guess he was feeling a little bit wild then.

He trades you drinks if you accidentally order a bad cocktail.

Cosmo: Your tastebuds mean more to him than his own.

Jameson: Wait, what?

Me: Like alcoholic drinks at a bar.

Jameson: Alcohol?

[A woman’s voice comes from the background.]

Jameson: No Mom, not like that.

Me: So what does this say about the guy?

Jameson: He’s, uh … nice.

He goes shopping with you, and doesn’t look pissed off or annoyed the whole time.

Cosmo: Because he loves spending time with you, no matter what you do together.

Jameson: This sounds like slavery.

He texts you, “I miss you,” out of the blue.

Cosmo: He really means, “I love you.”

Jameson: He misses you.

He asks you how award shows or other momentous things you watch on TV were, even though he doesn’t care about said momentous things.

Cosmo: Even though he should because anything involving a red carpet and Giuliana Rancic is ~*EvErYtHiNg*~.

Jameson: He just wants you to be happy.

Me: Aw, that’s precious.

Jameson: Stop.

He takes the middle seat when you fly together.

Cosmo: So you can have the aisle or window.

Jameson: He likes the middle.

He picks up your favorite veggie burgers/kale chips/hummus before you even think to ask him to.

Cosmo: When you’re together and want to eat something, he randomly procures one of your favorite foods as if by magic. (Which it kind of is, because he absolutely reads your mind.)

Jameson: He just doesn’t want to get yelled at later.

Me: Do you even know what kale is?

Jameson: Like a vegetable thing?

I decided not to traumatize him with all 18 questions, as I could hear the pain in his voice over the phone. The poor guy was probably beat, as he did just have middle school graduation that day (which this year was renamed “transitions ceremony,” probably because of complaints by an overly PC parent). The conversation concluded with me asking him if he had a girlfriend, to which he said “no” with a tone of disgust.

So in the end, I guess we can’t be sure how men secretly say “I love you,” or at least not at the middle school level. Other than the horoscope section, no part of Cosmo is 100% true all the time. Even quizzes like “How Foxy Do You Feel?”, “Is He Only After Your Bod?” and “Are You Enough of a Bad Girl?” are bound to have their flaws. The male mind will always remain a mystery, and even the experts at Cosmo don’t have the answers to how all men think.

10 Things You Were Glad You Did Before Going Back to School

Winter breakNow that most of us are back on the Hilltop (sorry to those of you who are getting trolled by the weather), let’s reflect on the things that we were really glad we did on the last day before we returned.

1. Stayed in bed until 2 p.m.

Sleeping Beauty knows what’s up.

2. Wore pajamas the entire day.

Just another thing James Franco and I have in common.

3. Didn’t shower.

Like there was anybody to impress anyway.

4. Ate breakfast for dinner, or anything for dinner, or breakfast for anything.

Breakfast Club gets us.

5. Mindlessly watched Netflix for HOURS.

“Am I doing anything on my last day home? NO!”

6. Ate your last home-cooked meal.

Now just savor the taste of that meal to keep you sane through the weeks until Spring Break.

7. Got spoiled by your parents.

Maybe they aren’t Beyoncé, but they still love you and give you things.

8. Finally showered…

The stink got too real.

9. Stayed indoors the entire day and didn’t get judged.

You and all the friends you’ll ever need.

10. Worried about absolutely nothing.

Sounds about right. I hope you had a good last day of vacation. Welcome back to the Hilltop, Hoyas!

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