Deadliest Places on Campus: A PSA

It is a well-known fact that Georgetown is fraught with traps. Like the city that houses it, the Hilltop was designed to confuse invading armies — a common occurrence for this hallowed fortress.*

Besides the winding streets and myriad hidden halls (Robert E. Lee’s army was actually trapped trying to find a Vil B apartment), the earth itself works to wear down unfamiliar intruders and carefree visitors.

So, whether you attend Georgetown or are just dropping by, here are the deadliest places to walk on campus — these were definitely designed to maim the enemies of the Hilltop and are not just a damning reflection of Georgetown’s crippled facilities management (@JohnJDeGioia).

*The author would like to note that this information is NOT fact-checked.

The Red Brick Ruins

In the Golden Age of Georgetown, just five years hence, when giants dominated the Verizon Center and people feared the yell of “Hoya Saxa,” the ICC was a bustling center of commerce. Merchants from all across the District would flock to show off their finest wares.*

Ever since the dark reign of Julius Tyrannicus the Third (often shortened to JT3), the famed Red Square fell into ruin. Where once marketgoers could barter and feast with nary a worry, citizens must now navigate pockets of missing bricks (see below) and the occasional puddle after a strong storm.

Worse still, there’s now some weird archaeological dig taking place on Copley Lawn, not only releasing some kind of curse but also keeping students from relaxing on that verdant green.

We live in hope of a new age under King Patrick.

*The author would again like to note that this information is based on legends told to him by upperclassmen.

The Henle Crevasse

As a resident of Georgetown’s highest peak (s/o to all my Darnall babes), I am inclined to find all possible entrances to my home that avoid the infamous hill.

Upon my arrival, rumors circulated of a “secret stair” that cut through Henle and circumvented the long path to Darnall, along with the staircase that waits at the very end. I committed myself to uncover Henle’s “Northwest Passage.”

One day, on a night journey back from Healy, there lay a crossroads in my path. Right past Arrupe, there stands a gradually sloping stair that leads into Henle. Ascending the staircase, I ended up in a common outdoor area filled with terrors: An unnecessarily large cutout of Ronald Reagan, a peeking Guy Fieri and some dude smoking a cigarette surrounded me.

I ran up another set of dark stairs in a flight of fright, which led to yet another fork in the road. A path led deeper into Henle, arriving at a pitch-black tunnel. Seeing the side entrance to Darnall through the darkness, I sprinted through…

And caught my foot on this deathtrap:

The Slopes of Darnall

Alternatively, if you’re not out of shape or lazy like me, you could just go up the hill that leads straight to Epi.

But beware, traveller, for this path is still full of dangers!

Approaching the construction site, the air grows dustier, the atmosphere louder. Most terrifyingly, the path grows narrower — just a yard across. Bikes, scooters and a-holes with umbrellas will often rush past you in a series of near misses.

It is also on this path that people don’t know how to walk single file. That makes this 10 times worse:

This little monster (now covered) will catch your foot if you’re not careful. The unexpected drop really does a number on your ankle — and your attitude.

The Uneven Path to O’Donovan Hall

Below the looming shadow of Southwest Quad lies another three-footwide path of poor design. While the sidewalk on the other side of the road near VCW is much larger and better paved, it requires crossing a street with an oddly large amount of traffic.

The risk of the walk below McCarthy is rewarded by a straight-shot to Leo’s.

On the ends, however, lie two deadly snares that could really ruin your day. At the corner, the entire right side of the sidewalk near the bushes is uneven. Because of the uniform texture and color, this slope is barely noticeable.

A similar slope lies near the bench at the end of the walk.

Worst of all, this trouble leads to the greatest deception of them all: that anything in upstairs Leo’s is worth waiting for.*

*The author would like to note that he absolutely stands by this opinion and literally high-fived himself while writing that joke.

The Three Circles of He(a)ll(y)

The Devil’s Three Eyes. The Claws of Copley. DeGioia’s Teeth.

There are three pits at the very outset of the grand road to Lau, where the trash cans are and where there always seems to be some kind of delivery truck.

These holes used to be the base of three poles, which closed off the path for bikes, trucks and scooters. Now, they are simply a death trap for bikes, scooters and pedestrians.

To the unwary eye, these death pits could ruin your foot, your tire or your dignity. Of all the aforementioned traps, these are definitely the greatest existential threat to every single Hoya that goes to Lau.

Mr. DeGioia, fill in these holes.

Coda

Maybe I’m clumsy. Maybe my vision is bad. Maybe I walk like a newborn child.

OR maybe, I’m a victim of an obviously deteriorating campus.

I get it: The wonderful people at facilities have more important stuff to do like constantly fixing leaks, floods, black mold breakouts and bathroom lock-INS. BUT even covering it up with a wooden board — like how Adam Sandler covered up Cole Sprouse’s pee in “Big Daddy” — is better than letting people trip.

 

All gifs from giphy.com

Am I Too Old For This?

As you sip a Natty at a crowded pregame or wait in line for ~another~ Epi Quesadilla, some of you upperclassmen out there might be pondering a timeless question. To help you find answers, we here at 4E have compiled a list of ten things that you can and can’t do after your freshman year. So pause for a moment and ask yourself…

Am I too old for this?

1) Taking a basic picture of Healy Hall. We all did this within our first days on the Hilltop, and, though we cringe at others for snapping the famed clocktower, most still look at Healy in awe.

Verdict: No, but expect some judgement.

2) Going to frat basement parties. Though I have gone on my fair share of SAE Foxfield buses or Zeta Psi booze cruises, frat parties feel increasingly more like events for freshman. Please let my days of partying in a suspiciously wet Sig Ep basement be over. I would take a Piano Bar night filled with only adults over this. Enough is enough. That being said, the frat boys and pledge bros are still wonderful.

Verdict: Probably yes, unless you are in a frat, in which case, please attend your own events.

3) Waiting in the Georgetown Cupcake line. I didn’t even do this as a freshman because WHO HAS THE TIME?? Waiting 40 minutes for a $4 cupcake with too much frosting is never worth it.

Verdict: Yes, go to Baked & Wired instead.

4) Attending Jersey Night or Thursday Chi Di. Does anyone care?

Verdict: see you all there!!!

5) Getting lost on campus. Our campus is literally 1/18 the size of a state school’s, so I’m pretty sure you should know every building after a few months. Specifically, I mean people struggling with Maguire. I don’t understand why this is the specific location no one can find. The Jesuits are judging you!

Verdict: Get a map. Then again, it’s totally fine if we’re talking about the ICC.

6) Drinking Burnett’s. Not everyone is too old for this, but I can say with some certainty, while nursing my current raging hangover, that I should be upgrading beyond the likes of Mango Burnett’s. I am only too old for this in the ~health~ way. Will I give it up? Likely not — I have a budget.

Verdict: Yes, but who cares?

7) Referencing the Georgetown meme page. Judging by my alumni friends who find the meme page hilarious, there’s no harm in still talking about a classic “Everyone from Georgetown lives in New Jersey or Connecticut”.

Verdict: No, keep tagging away.

8) Village A Rooftop Parties. Power to you if you get there before GUPD shuts it down. Nevertheless, it remains a classic spot on Homecoming and Georgetown Day.

Verdict: Yep…  it’s never worth it to be honest.

9) Applying to clubs. While the process certainly becomes more cynical as you get older, you should join anything you want at any age. (I hear 4E accepts freshmen to seniors).

Verdict: No, college is about finding yourself and all that #wholesome.

10) ~Hanging out~ in a freshman dorm. Do you!!!!! Just be safe!!!!!!!!!

Verdict: Just don’t go to Darnall.

And with that, we hope you act your age!

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, knowyourmeme.com

50 Things Better Than Georgetown’s Housing System

Banner - HousingThe spirit of Georgetown is the best of any schools’ in the country. The housing? Not so much. It’s hard to go a day without hearing someone complaining about something related to housing. Most recent, the ire of many students was directed at the housing process for next year and the fact that rising sophomores were often excluded from Phase I selection, whereas many rising juniors and even some seniors found that they wouldn’t be able to live in their most desired places.

In honor of this tragedy and many others (including, but definitely not limited to: vermin infestations, dirty carpets, sub-par plumbing, outdated fixtures/appliances), here is 4E’s list of… 50 Things Better Than Georgetown’s Housing:

  1. Instructional continuity
  2. Leo’s coffee
  3. Losing your GoCard
  4. 8am classes

    class sleeping
    @everyone
  5. Hot Chick and Chicken Madness not winning the GUSA election
  6. GUTS bus delays
  7. The laundry rooms’ notoriously useless dryers
  8. Going to Epi on a Sunday night, only to realize it’s closed
  9. SaxaNet
  10. GuestNet
  11. Getting one out of five classes during preregistration
  12. Our basketball team this yearbasetball
  13. Getting rejected from every club
  14. The bathrooms in Reiss
  15. When people are talking obnoxiously on Lau 3
  16. Rhino closing
  17. Kehoe field
  18. Constructionconstruction
  19. Running out of meal swipes
  20. Having meal swipes (and having to use them on Georgetown’s food)
  21. JT III
  22. Brown House not being a thing next year
  23. Doing a survey and not winning the promised gift card
  24. Getting hurt by the curve
  25. Missing Bill Clinton’s speech because you have class
  26. TAs
  27. Sending a well-formatted email to your professor and getting a one word reply
  28. Getting rejected from the GAAP group
  29. That one kid who incessantly posts in the GAAP group
  30. The GAAP group
  31. LL Lau
  32. Getting stuck behind a tour
  33. Roommates who snore (in which case, try this)
  34. Lecture captures
  35. GoCard swiping machines not working
  36. RATS

    rats
    Not amused, personally
  37. Having a final on the last day of finals
  38. Georgetown Cupcakes lines
  39. When the professor shows up seconds before the class would have been cancelled
  40. Getting the snow day email after you’ve already gotten out of bed
  41. Having to give directions to a lost stranger on campus
  42. DC’s humidity in the summerdamn hot
  43. Trying to get a timely appointment at the Student Health Center
  44. The fact that we don’t have a metro stop
  45. Our NCAA appearance this year (lol)
  46. Hoverboards being banned on campus
  47. Class in Walsh and St. Mary’s back-to-back
  48. Seeing 38592740372 pictures of cherry blossoms on Instagram
  49. Being haunted
  50. Nothing

In other words, the only thing worse than the housing system, is the housing system itself. Here’s to another year in Henle.

Photos/Gifs: flickr.com, giphy.com

Everything You Need to Know About the Northeast Triangle Residence Hall

baireisspathwayThe zig-zag of construction fences between Red Sqaure and Darnall is about as #soul-crushing as Lauinger. But the good news is our campus will be stunning and thoroughly modern in about two years.

On Tuesday, we let you know that the former Jesuit Residence is about to be the coolest, loftiest and suite-est upperclassmen dorm around. Today, we’re going to let you know exactly what the Northeast Triangle residence hall will look like when it is completed. Note: The Northeast Triangle residence hall’s name is much too long so we’re going to call it the Residence from here on out.

South-View-NET-June-2014

This is it, guys. It’s lovely! The new lowerclassmen dorm will be eight stories tall and will accommodate 225 students.

Sasaki Associates, the architects of the Residence, have designed the first LEED-certified residence hall on campus by including a green roof and other green features. There will be a lot of greenery around the dorm too. In fact, the building will only take up 50 percent of the space that is being worked on and the rest will be green space.

On the east side of the Residence, where there used to be an unused grassy hill, Sasaki Associates plans to create a terrace area including a sloped lawn and a patio. Perrenials, river birch trees, oak trees and scilla siberica will be planted among a few of the existing trees.

NET-green-space-future
So fresh!
Terraces-future
So clean!

The ground floor of the Residence won’t be any old lobby either. It will serve as a study area with meeting spaces for residents and non-residents. The ground floor will feature many tall windows so it seems like the ground floor flows into the outdoor space on the west side of the building. This west side will be renovated as well as the east side (bye Reiss Pathway). There will be new seating and it will be ADA accessible from Red Square.

West-View-NET-June-2014
The shiny, new Reiss pathway.

Promenade-NET-June-2014We’re most excited to annonce that the new dorm will be key-less. Residents will use their GOCards to get inside the building and swipe into their rooms. As every forgetful Hoya knows, replacing a GOCard costs $25, while replacing a key costs $75. I have a feeling that everyone living in the Residence will be feeling super zen, even if they tend to lose things.

The Residence residents will get another oportunity to work on their zen in the “contemplative” room on the seventh floor, which we assume will have a similar purpose tp the John Main Meditation center. The floor plan also shows us that rooms will be set up in suites for two, four and six people and there will be a kitchen and lounge on each floor. The first floor also features an indoor bike storage room. Screen Shot 2014-11-14 at 12.50.10 PMThe Residence is about to be one of the most beautiful dorms on campus and we can’t wait. But we’ll have to. The new dorm is only scheduled to be completed and ready for move-in by fall 2016 and is intended for sophomores, so none of us are in the running to live there. We hope the current high school seniors fated to go to Georgetown appreciate their future home. And we hope they won’t mind us hanging out in and around the Residence every chance we get.

Info: geogetown.edu
Photo: blogs.commons.georgetown.edu/masterplanning, Northeast Triangle Residence Hall Old Georgetown Board/CFA Review

Everything You Need to Know About the New JesRes Dorm

New JesRes

As many of our readers may have noticed, there’s been quite a lot of construction on campus these days. While we’ve written extensively on the casualties of the Reiss walkway construction, there’s also an active construction site where the former Jesuit Residence is located. In case you didn’t already know: The old JesRes is being converted into future housing, and 4E has the details.

Set to open in fall 2015, the Ryan and Mulledy residence hall will have 148 beds in a variety of room styles. Here’s the breakdown by floor:

Screen Shot 2014-11-10 at 1.32.22 PM

The first floor of the building has suites with either four or six beds (more on those below). In addition, there’s a significant chunk of space devoted for both residential and community activities. In fact, where the Jesuit dining hall was located will be a community space for residents. Green space will be added where there’s currently a parking lot. 

Screen Shot 2014-11-10 at 1.13.37 PM

The second floor of the building is composed of suites, which have either eight or four beds, and semi-suites, which have three or four.Screen Shot 2014-11-10 at 1.32.34 PM

The suites have two lofted beds and an enclosed living area. (Side note: there will be a partition between the beds in each loft, because privacy is a thing. ) A four-person suite will have two loft setups and an eight-person suite will have four lofts. For each suite, there’s a kitchenette and general living room. Under each loft is also a bathroom — you can access all of the bathrooms through one interconnected hallway underneath all of the bed spaces. For an eight-person suite, there are two showers and two toilets.

Screen Shot 2014-11-10 at 1.32.45 PM

Some other important things to know about Ryan and Mulledy halls: The building is being brought up to code in terms of handicap accessibility, sprinklers, heat and A/C and various other improvements. Again, this dorm is scheduled to be livable for students starting fall 2015, so for all you current freshmen, sophomores and even juniors — keep an eye out.

Info: masterplanning.georgetown.edu

Photos: georgetown.edu, Alexander Brown/The Hoya