If you haven’t heard, Blake Shelton was recently named the Sexiest Man Alive. We here at 4E are unsure if it’s just us, or if everyone else also has trouble seeing what People Magazine and Gwen Stefani see (look below for reference).
To try and get some perspective on this confusing choice, here’s a list of 15 people we think are sexier than Blake Shelton:
The pizza in the above gif
The Wisey’s Rat
Jack the Bulldog
Josh Peck (pre-not inviting Drake Bell to his wedding)
Amanda Bynes in “She’s the Man”
The Dad from “Drake and Josh”
Jack the Bulldog on a skateboard
Kim Kim (we still miss you on the panini press)
Todd Olson in full convocation garb
We at 4E simply cannot fathom how none of these fine options preceded Blake Shelton. People Magazine, we urge you to take into account this definitive list before choosing your ~Sexiest Man Alive~ next year.
You’ve just awoken on a Saturday morning from a night you care not to remember. You head downstairs to your kitchen, and lo and behold, someone left you some ~gifts~ you didn’t expect — Burnett’s, your favorite pal!
Beyond excited to have ended up with only the best and most delicious drink to grace our campus, you suddenly realize it’s not what you expected. You got the reject flavors.
While Burnett’s is known for creating wild nights, but it should be more well-known for some of the ridiculous flavors the people who want to end Earth as we know it its creators have chosen to produce over the years.
Those flops are unfortunately the ones your oh-so-generous friends left behind for you, but all is not lost! 4E is here to help you make the best of the worst and give you suggestions on how to keep the debauchery going.
Here’s our advice on how to consume:
Cucumber Lime. It’s Corona and Lime for a reason. Nobody ever asked for this. Cucumber and lime classically go with gin, so this is just a meager, failed attempt to reinvent the laws of mixology. If you’ve ever smelled the stench from a stinkbug, it’s not so different from the way this flavor smells. Unfortunately, the only way to use this up is by covering up the taste in some sort of extreme jungle juice, where you can almost mask the flavor in your sorrows the taste of off-brand soda and random alcohols you found in the back of your fridge.
Maple Syrup. Aunt Jemima didn’t die for your sins so you could disrespect her delicious syrup by infusing it into an off-brand vodka. To be honest, this is like the Mrs. Butterworth’s of vodka: You simply are conditioned from birth to look down upon it and anyone that consumes it. If you’re ever ~low~ enough to actually buy this, you’ve hit rock bottom. However, this flavor is golden for a boozy brunch. Pour some into your syrup to get things started up for Homecoming or Georgetown Day — the more, the merrier.
Pumpkin Spice. It may be ~PSL SZN~, but that by no means justifies this atrocious flavor. There are some things that simply don’t go together, and pumpkin and vodka happen to be two of these things. If you ~need~ to find a way to rid yourself of pumpkin spice Burnett’s, there is only one way — mix it with other alcohol. Since it’s such a unique flavor, no sodas or other traditional chasers are going to work, so mix equal parts Burnett’s and Rumchata or Baileys, depending on your preference. Serve chilled as shots or a festive cocktail.
Orange. Just call GERMS right now. I’m 100% convinced that this actually isn’t vodka but rather Mr. Clean Orange Floor Cleaner. There is simply no way this stuff is suitable for human consumption — which is tough to believe since citrus Burnett’s theoretically should be similar but is exponentially better. In any case, you definitely want to mix this with fruit juice. Try mixing 1-part Burnett’s to 1-part cranberry juice to 1-part Triple Sec to 2-parts orange juice for a floor-cleaning take on a margarita!
Limeade. Lime is definitely not the worst flavor, but take Burnett’s Lime, add green food coloring and a bit of Windex, and you have Burnett’s Limeade! This flavor is pretty hard to come by nowadays, and that’s definitely okay by us at 4E. In any case, you’re definitely going to want to stick with citrus. This mixes decently well with lemonade (disclaimer: this is a drink, not a song by Beyoncé). You’ll probably want to forget you went so low as to purchase green vodka, so try 3-parts Burnett’s to 2-parts lemonade. Throw some colored sugar on the rim just to be ~fancy~, and there you have it!
While they’re nothing like Citrus or Pink Lemonade, let’s hope that these ideas will help you stay lit get your creative juices flowing!
As the holiday season draws near, Hoyas are gladly anticipating a break from their usual Leo’s meals—but at what cost? Here’s 4E’s rundown of the six types of relatives that we all just ~can’t wait~to reunite with over this Thanksgiving dinner…
1. The Interrogative Relationship Guru
“Do you have a boyfriend? That’s too bad! What about the cute boy in your Instagram post?”
First of all, Grandma, he’s gay. Undeterred, she offers up her very best date ideas from “back in the day” as you stifle your laughter at the thought of any MSBro at a drive-in theater. You wonder if the sort of “fine young men” she continually references even exist on the Hilltop.
2. The Millennial Wannabe
Lucky for you, this aunt’s midlife crisis seems to have perfectly aligned with your annual encounter. Having seen your Snapchat story from last Friday, she proposes a “girls’ night out” at Chi Di next weekend. You promptly delete your social media and apply to study abroad.
3. The Deadbeat
Maybe your college life isn’t as wholesome as your grandparents may think, but unlike this cousin, at least you’ll definitely most likely end up with a diploma. You decide that introducing him to your SFS friends might set his life back on track but quickly think better of it. Having him around will make you feel better about yourself when next semester’s club rejection season rolls around.
4. The Diehard Trump Supporter
Tattooed with the U.S. flag and shamelessly sporting a MAGA hat, this uncle finds a way to blame everything on the immigrants—even this year’s burnt turkey. You politely bear the brunt of his incessant rant until he spots the GU College Dems and H*yas For Choice stickers on your laptop, after which he avoids all interaction with you for the rest of the night. Success.
5. The Shy Guy
Exchanging forced pleasantries with this relative is even more uncomfortable than leading a tour group on Georgetown Day. As awkward as the conversation is, though, it’s just like the ICC: you can’t find a way out.
6. The Annual Alcoholic
This relative looks as tipsy as the Wisey’s rat before the turkey’s even carved. She must have mistaken Thanksgiving dinner for a late-night Epi gathering, but at least by tomorrow she’ll forget the night ever happened, and you can equally pretend that it never did.
We at 4E bestow our deepest sympathy and respect upon any Hoya that successful endures a conversation with three or more of these ~special~ relatives. On a serious note, we hope you all enjoy your well-deserved break from school and express thanks for all the family members who’ve supported you from afar (even those who fall under one of these categories)!
College is a time of great uncertainty. Everyday, we ask ourselves: “What will I do with my life?” “Who will I be when I grow up?” “Why did I decide to major in English?”
We know these questions might seem scary, but 4E is here to help you procrastinate writing that essay for another five minutes discover who you really are. Take this quiz, and finally find an answer to the timeless question:
As you may have heard, Georgetown’s very own prodigal son is returning home to the Hilltop this week. And as cynical as we usually are here at 4E, this is actually a pretty cool thing. After all, since the events of the past year have forced us to acknowledge that Eric Trump, Steve Bannon, and Paul Manafort are technically alumni, we need to celebrate the Hoyas who didn’t collude with Russia have made a positive impact in the world now more than ever.
But as you prepare to camp outside Gaston to hear his speech, many of you who were born in the late-90s may be asking yourselves, “Who is Bill Clinton?” We know from eavesdropping on Blue and Gray tours that he certainly attended Georgetown, but is he really a Hoya? If he were a student today, would he regularly attend Jersey Night? Would he mourn the loss of Quick Pita? Would he post in the meme group? And more importantly, would his memes be dank? To try to answer some of these pressing questions, we here at 4E briefly skimmed carefully read and took diligent notes on Bill Clinton’s autobiography, My Life, and came to the following conclusion:
Bill Clinton is a true Hoya.
Take a look at our reasoning below:
1. He Loves Wisey’s
The Quote: “At Wisemiller’s Deli, just across Thirty-sixth Street from the Walsh building where I had most of my classes, I got coffee and two donuts for twenty cents every morning”
Our Analysis: Like all good Hoyas, Bill Clinton both loves Wisey’s and eats there way too much. He definitely would have voted for the Hot Chick/Chicken Madness ticket back in the infamous GUSA election of 2016, and is surely a strong supporter of our unofficial school mascot, The Wisey’s Rat™. So the next time you feel guilty about eating Wisey’s cookies for breakfast as you walk in 15 minutes late to your class on the fourth floor of Walsh because the elevator was taking forever, just remember that you will probably grow up to be the President of the United States.
2. He Never Leaves Campus
The Quote: “In my first two years, I rarely ventured beyond the confines of the University and its immediate surroundings”
Our Analysis: For a true Hoya, Burleith is as exotic as it gets. Yes, just like a vast majority of Hoyas, Bill Clinton fell victim to the Georgetown Bubble. And yes, we know D.C. is a world-class city full of renowned food, art, and culture, but the whole Metro system is confusing and not a lot of places take GoCard. True Hoyas stick to complaining about the lack of options at Leo’s and only venture beyond M street once a semester for Instagram-related purposes. Also “immediate surroundings” is definitely code for Chi Di. We’ll see you there on Thursday, Bill. Hopefully you have a good ID though, they’ve been pretty tough this year.
The Quote: “My most memorable class sophomore year was Professor Walter Giles’s U.S. Constitution and Government… By the time I got to his class I had embraced my lifelong affinity for sleep deprivation and had developed the sometimes embarrassing habit of falling asleep for five or ten minutes of class”
Our Analysis: Same, Bill Clinton. Same. Does it even qualify as a Georgetown class if more than half its students are awake at any given time? Whether it’s in a lecture hall, on Healy Lawn, or in the middle of a professor’s office hours (it happened once), falling asleep at inappropriate times is what we Hoyas do best. Honestly, Bill Clinton, props for doing this well in an era before you could try to stay awake by scrolling through memes on Facebook while the professor thinks you’re taking notes. Side note to any of my professors who accidentally clicked on this article: I love your class! Keep up the good work!
4. He Has a Capitol Hill Internship
The Quote: On interning for Arkansas Senator William Fulbright, “It was easy to fit the job into my daily schedule, partly because in junior year only five courses were required instead of six, partly because some classes started as early as 7 a.m.”
Our Analysis: If you hadn’t already guessed, Bill Clinton was in the SFS. This quote confirms it. I can practically hear this quote telling me he’s a STIA major and that he has to go study for MAP. Even today, when Bill Clinton meets new people, I guarantee you that he finds some way to mention the SFS. This guy is a Hoya.
5. He Loves The Tombs
The Quote: “My favorite haunts in Georgetown were the Tombs, a beer hall in a cellar beneath the 1789 restaurant, where most of the students went for beer and burgers”
Our Analysis: Bill Clinton’s Tombs Night was definitely lit. But not too lit, like where you had to call GERMS and the whole night was ruined. It was just the right level of lit, like where everybody danced to “In Da Club” by 50 Cent when the clock hit midnight, and then Bill Clinton got a great Instagram pic of his forehead being stamped by the Tombs bouncer. Every Hoya since John Carrol has made some of their greatest memories at the Tombs. Need we say more?
So there you have it: Bill Clinton is a Georgetown Hoya. Our diligent research has definitively proved it. We hope you all have fun accidentally falling asleep learning a lot at his speech on Monday- and huge props to the team over at #GUPolitics for making this happen! No disrespect to the time you got Martin O’Malley to play his guitar in McShain Lounge, but this is definitely much cooler than that.
Sources: My Life by Bill Clinton, Tombs.com, Facebook.com, giphy.com, Georgetowndc.com, georgetown.edu
As you sip a Natty at a crowded pregame or wait in line for ~another~ Epi Quesadilla, some of you upperclassmen out there might be pondering a timeless question. To help you find answers, we here at 4E have compiled a list of ten things that you can and can’t do after your freshman year. So pause for a moment and ask yourself…
Am I too old for this?
1) Taking a basic picture of Healy Hall. We all did this within our first days on the Hilltop, and, though we cringe at others for snapping the famed clocktower, most still look at Healy in awe.
Verdict: No, but expect some judgement.
2) Going to frat basement parties. Though I have gone on my fair share of SAE Foxfield buses or Zeta Psi booze cruises, frat parties feel increasingly more like events for freshman. Please let my days of partying in a suspiciously wet Sig Ep basement be over. I would take a Piano Bar night filled with only adults over this. Enough is enough. That being said, the frat boys and pledge bros are still wonderful.
Verdict: Probably yes, unless you are in a frat, in which case, please attend your own events.
3) Waiting in the Georgetown Cupcake line. I didn’t even do this as a freshman because WHO HAS THE TIME?? Waiting 40 minutes for a $4 cupcake with too much frosting is never worth it.
Verdict: Yes, go to Baked & Wired instead.
4) Attending Jersey Night or Thursday Chi Di. Does anyone care?
Verdict: see you all there!!!
5) Getting lost on campus. Our campus is literally 1/18 the size of a state school’s, so I’m pretty sure you should know every building after a few months. Specifically, I mean people struggling with Maguire. I don’t understand why this is the specific location no one can find. The Jesuits are judging you!
Verdict: Get a map. Then again, it’s totally fine if we’re talking about the ICC.
6) Drinking Burnett’s. Not everyone is too old for this, but I can say with some certainty, while nursing my current raging hangover, that I should be upgrading beyond the likes of Mango Burnett’s. I am only too old for this in the ~health~ way. Will I give it up? Likely not — I have a budget.
Verdict: Yes, but who cares?
7) Referencing the Georgetown meme page. Judging by my alumni friends who find the meme page hilarious, there’s no harm in still talking about a classic “Everyone from Georgetown lives in New Jersey or Connecticut”.
Verdict: No, keep tagging away.
8) Village A Rooftop Parties. Power to you if you get there before GUPD shuts it down. Nevertheless, it remains a classic spot on Homecoming and Georgetown Day.
Verdict: Yep… it’s never worth it to be honest.
9) Applying to clubs. While the process certainly becomes more cynical as you get older, you should join anything you want at any age. (I hear 4E accepts freshmen to seniors).
Verdict: No, college is about finding yourself and all that #wholesome.
10) ~Hanging out~ in a freshman dorm. Do you!!!!! Just be safe!!!!!!!!!
La Croix: It can be found in any Georgetown Girl’s refrigerator, but no one really knows how to pronounce it … La Croy? La Cwah? La Crocs? For those of us who love this sparkling beverage, here’s what your preferred flavor says about you.
Pamplemousse and Cran-Raspberry : Although all flavors of La Croix are basic, these two are the worst of them all. You wear Adidas Superstars and Lululemon leggings and drink La Croix to ~rehydrate~ after SoulCycle. You use La Croix as a chaser for your Mango Pineapple Svedka because it’s “healthy.”
Any of the Curate Flavors: You’re really bougie and probably pronounce it “La Cwah.”
Plain: You’re a real hardo. You’d prefer to drink plain water out of your Brita filter but you drink plain La Croix to seem jazzy.
Coconut: Some may say it tastes like a candle, but if you drink Coconut La Croix, you’re the cool kid at the party. You’re super trendy and fun and everyone wants to be your friend (disclaimer: this is my flavor of preference).
Lime: You’re trying to cut back on soda and if you really pretend, it tastes nothing kinda like Sprite.
Peach-Pear: You really like Burnett’s, but since it isn’t socially acceptable to drink on a Tuesday at 1 p.m., Peach-Pear La Croix is the closest you’re going to get.
So, next time you walk around campus with a can of La Croix in hand, just know that the rest of us are judging you.
Yes, it’s sadly still midterm season, which means that you’re probably reading this article on Lau 2 while simultaneously crafting a last-minute email to your professor begging for an extension. But now it’s time for you to take a break from the stress and completely ignore all your responsibilities, because #HoyaHomecoming is officially upon us. In honor of the one day a year we can kind of act like a state school, we here at 4E have complied a helpful guide to make sure that your Homecoming experience is a success.
Remember: It’s a Marathon, Not a Sprint
Look, we’ve all been there: You and 20 of your closest friends are crammed into a 12×15 foot dorm room. You’re looking ~fresh~ in your very original, one-of-a-kind, totally unique Georgetown basketball jersey. Your signature song (“Hips Don’t Lie” by Shakira) is playing, and that cutie from your Econ class is definitely taking notice of your impressive dabbing ability. Needless to say, the pregame is ~lit~. And at some point, this level of “litness” will likely inspire you to “go all out” for #HoyaHomecoming and do one of the following: A) Take way too many shots of Fireball B) Take way too many shots of Lime Burnett’s or C) Chug an entire can of Four Loko.
As you consider your options, 4E is here to give you some friendly advice: DON’T DO IT. Under the florescent lights of that sweaty dorm room, we know it may seem like a good idea, but trust us, in a few hours, you will come to the painful realization that it was not. The key to a successful Homecoming is to pace yourself. Unlike a normal night out, you will be expected both to stay awake for more than four hours and to functionally interact with actual adults in a non-Piano-Bar-setting. Neither of those things will be possible if you achieve maximum “litness” at 9 a.m. And as you make your decisions about how much to drink throughout the rest of the day, just remember that while Homecoming may be temporary, Snapchat screenshots are forever.
Love Thy Neighbor.
If you remember anything from last year’s homecoming, you’ll remember that our neighbors literally hate us. And noise. And alcohol. And anything even remotely resembling fun. So despite the fact that they knew ~Georgetown~ University was located here when they made the decision to move to ~Georgetown~, they will not hesitate to call the feds S.N.A.P.S on us if they catch the slightest whiff of Burnett’s or hear even the faintest hint of “Mr. Brightside” coming from a townhouse. Unfortunately for many of our readers out there, what this means is that most of your upperclassman friends will probably not be cool with you and every other member of Darnall 5 crashing their party.
But don’t worry! Getting rejected from and/or getting kicked out of at least one party is basically a #HoyaHomecoming rite of passage. And there are still plenty of other fun ways for you to spend your day! You can wander aimlessly around the neighborhood and engage in some classic Georgetown traditions, such as sprinting away from GUPD cars, getting yelled at by old people who may or may not be John Kerry, and searching for half-empty cans of Natty that have been discarded on the street. Back on campus, you can easily sneak into pay for a ticket to the tailgate on Regents lawn, where you can do some cool stuff like get a sunburn and make awkward small talk with alumni while you wait in line for 20 minutes only to find that they already ran out of all the good food. And of course, if all else fails, we’ll always have the Vil A rooftop. Nothing says #HoyaHomecoming quite like gazing out at that beautiful Arlington skyline as you watch your classmates come dangerously close to falling over the railing.
Water. Food. Rest. Repeat.
Remember what I said earlier about pacing yourself? I can already tell that you didn’t listen to me. Now you’re exhausted, your phone is dead, and you’re sitting on the floor of a New South bathroom, wondering where it all went wrong. You’ve managed to lose both your dignity and your GoCard- and it’s still only noon. Bet you don’t feel so “lit” anymore, huh? But don’t despair – 4E is here to save you! First, you need to walk/crawl to the nearest vending machine/sink/Dahlgren Fountain, and HYDRATE. And no, Arizona Iced Tea is not an acceptable substitute for water. You are in desperate need of H2O. Drink up.
Next, you need to eat something that will help counteract the consequences of that last Natty you ~regrettably~ decided to shotgun. If you can’t talk your way back into the tailgate to acquire some free pizza, we recommend you stick with what you know and head on over to Wisey’s. After all, the best Chicken Madnesses are the ones you don’t remember eating. And you can even say hi to our new unofficial school mascot, the Wisey’s Rat ™ , while you’re there (side note: alumni, check the meme page for reference #noncomforming #jesuitteens). Finally, your phone isn’t the only thing that needs to recharge. Whether it’s in your own bed or in the middle of Healy Lawn, you need to take a power nap. Find a spot, tell a friend to wake you up in an hour and pass out. Don’t worry, the Vil A rooftop isn’t going anywhere. There will be plenty more opportunities to embarrass yourself when you wake up.
As a distinguished member of the class of ‘85 drunkenly yelled at me during Homecoming last year once told me, college is the best four years of your life. I know this may not seem true as you stress-cry while writing a paper on Lau 2 at 4 a.m., but Homecoming gives you the perfect opportunity to rediscover why you first fell in love with Georgetown all those year(s) ago. So don’t be afraid to belt out the (probably wrong) lyrics to the fight song when someone inevitably starts up a bad acapella rendition in the middle of a party. Don’t be afraid to make valuable future business connections new friends as you wait in line for food at the tailgate. Don’t be afraid to break your wrist from falling off of the John Carrol statue while trying to take that perfect #HoyaHomecoming Instagram. Because we here at 4E want to let you in on a secret: Our sources can confirm that the real world is a scary place. Apparently, once you turn 23, it is suddenly no longer acceptable to sleep until 2 p.m. every day, or eat chicken fingers for every meal, or religiously attend an event called “Jersey Night” every Wednesday. And so, my fellow students, be sure to enjoy every moment of your time here on the Hilltop. And to all the alumni out there reading this guide with a mix of shock, nostalgia, and anticipation, we leave you with the immortal words of Saint John Thompson Jr: “If I can’t go to Heaven, take me back to Georgetown.”
See you soon, and Hoya Saxa.
P.S: Please actually make good choices! And remember that GERMS can always be reached at 202-687-4357.