How Donald Trump Stole the Election

Trump RevisedIt’s that time of year again, the time when “All I Want for Christmas is You” is all we hear playing across the nation. It’s also that time when all the old-time films of our childhood, such as Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Elf, come back on ABC Family Freeform. Let’s just say it’s the most wonderful time of the year.

However, this holiday season is a bit different due to the shock that electrified the nation on November 8: Donald Trump, against all odds, won the presidency. Some Americans even refused to believe the media when the news broke.
Nevertheless, it was true: Trump turned out to be our future president. There are many reasons that explain why Trump became president, namely that many Americans refused to admit to their preferred candidate.

However, just as there were whispers of Hillary burning ballots, 4E brings you a new conspiracy theory: Donald Trump conspired to steal the election. In the holiday spirit, I will compare Trump’s campaign to Dr. Seuss’s beloved holiday story How the Grinch Stole Christmas to show how Trump accomplished this unprecedented feat.“Every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot, but the Grinch, who lived just north of Whoville, did not!” Prior to this election, many (but definitely not all) Americans were content with society. However, Donald Trump was apparently NOT. Just as the Grinch sat on the top of Mt. Crumpit, brooding about Christmas, Trump sat at the top of Trump Tower, lamenting the situation of our country. But soon, he realized not all was lost.Trump got the idea to steal the election and ~Make America Great Again!~ Was it because his heart was three sizes too small? Biologically speaking this is humanly impossible. On the other hand, people once said it was impossible for Trump to win…Regardless of your politics, it’s clear that this election taught us that anything can happen. So, Donald set off on a quest to steal the election. Just as the Grinch donned his Santa suit and helped Max to be his reindeer, Donald did his hair and employed Melania, Ivanka and others to help him sweep the carpet out from under Hillary’s feet. As he raced ~down the slope~ toward Election Day, Trump had a wild time of campaigning in critical areas and also bullying other candidates (Read: @JebBush, @nastywoman). Just as the Grinch made himself out to be Santa, Donald made himself out to be the one who would save our country from corruption. Interestingly, Melania also made herself out to be quite a public speaker, but we all know where that came from.For the Grinch, Christmas Eve was the day of reckoning. Would his plan work? He proceeded to sweep all the decorations and food from the Whos’ houses and sneak out. Similarly, Trump swept through key states such as Florida, Wisconsin and Pennsylvania as Election Day progressed. However, as he continued to run away with the election, he encountered his version of Cindy Lou Who: Hillary herself. Just as all Cindy Lou wanted was presents, all Hillary wanted was to be president (but like really badly).She probably didn’t personally ask Trump why he was stealing her election, but she also didn’t have to; it was all part of Trump’s scheme to make this country great again. Soon enough, he was racing back up the electoral scale until the vote was finally over. Just as the Grinch triumphantly reached the top of Mt. Crumpit, Trump emerged from the election victorious at around 2 AM the next morning. And just as Trump heard Hillary’s supporters still pledging allegiance to her, the Grinch heard the Whos’ singing voices the next day.As we all know, the Grinch’s heart grew three sizes that day. Did Donald’s do the same? Maybe, considering he has called for unity among Americans. On the other hand, has he joined hands with Americans and sung Christmas carols? Evidently not, because the media would already have had a field day. On that note, let me leave you with one sobering thought: due to the similarities between these two stories, is it possible that Dr. Seuss actually wrote How the Grinch Stole Christmas in order to predict Trump’s election? Who knows, but like I said, anything is possible.

Photos/gifs: giphy.com, images.google.com

Third-Year Meal Plan Requirement: The Conspiracy

Conspiracy

When news of the possible third-year meal plan requirement broke this past week, students were infuriated, and rightly so. In case you didn’t hear news from any campus news source whatsoever, GUSA announced in a press release that the administration is considering implementing a third-year meal plan requirement.

While the most obvious reason for doing this is to boost revenue, my inner conspiracy theorist doesn’t buy it. The university can’t seriously be considering this plan — that they had to know would outrage students — without some ulterior motive. And 4E is here to wildly speculate about what those motives could be.

To distract students from the massive impending construction Unfortunately, this Monday, the East Reiss pathway and Leavey bridge will be closed indefinitely due to construction. By introducing this ridiculous meal plan proposal, the administration was clearly trying to pull students’ attention away from the construction to this new annoying university endeavor. Then, when the meal proposal magically doesn’t pass, we’ll all feel a sense of victory as we inconveniently walk around the west side of Reiss without complaint.

The university seriously screwed up their budget With the cost of the new HFSC and Northeast Triangle construction, financial constraints have to be pretty high right now. They’re probably too embarrassed to try to solicit more alumni donations, and so they have to resort to literally siphoning money from current students. Probably the most likely explanation.

They’re using this to cover up some other thing that students would get more upset about This is the best conspiracy theory because it’s open-ended. Maybe UIS is responsible for hacking Snapchat? Just think of all the stories we don’t know about because we’re all up in arms about this new proposal instead of looking for another piece of journalistic gold.

And now you know what went through my mind when I heard this news.

Gif: imgur.com; Photo: hdwallpapersfactory.com