5 Types of People Running for GUSA Senate

young-politician

It’s October, and you know what that means. It’s that time of year when the real issues begin to be discussed, when world-class leaders petition for our support. Campaign season is upon us, and the New South/VCW District is feeling the heat. 4E has exhaustively analyzed the various campaigns, and has broken down the candidate’s qualifications and positions on the issues in order to help you make your decision today.

  1. The Future President

obama

Platform: This person doesn’t care about Georgetown, the issues or you. This is merely another stepping stone in their path to the Oval Office that began in 5th grade. If elected, their first act of business will be to organize a committee to discuss how best to make “Freshman Dorm Representative” sound good on a resume.

Last seen: In a suit, giving weirdly firm handshakes to other freshmen.

Supporters: 

  • Their parents
  • Future Secretaries of State
  • Members of the 2024-2028 cabinet

Detractors: 

  • Future Vice Presidents
  • Anyone within 15 years of their age
  • Their parents, when they don’t win
  1. The One who Actually Cares

white anglo saxon

Platform: Social justice, all bathrooms become gender-neutral.

Last seen: Painstakingly drawing out handmade signs when everyone else just prints them out.

Strengths: 

  • Ability to appear in any room whenever the word “privilege” is used
  • Being raised in an upper-middle class white family
  • Multiple ethnic friends

Weaknesses: 

  • Hasn’t actually taken an African-American studies class
  1. The Cool Dude

zefron neighbours

Platform: Booze. Lots of it

Strengths:

  • Charisma
  • Actually very strong. Rumored to bench anywhere between 330 and 550 depending on how much you say you can bench
  • Good Jawline
  • Excellent Hair
  • Still has suit from that basketball dinner

Weaknesses: 

  • Refers to New South as “Zoo South”
  • Campaign posters are just dick drawings which, while funny, wont get him the same kind of broad support he enjoys on NS2 where, according to our sources, he’s “a legend”

Last seen:

  • Coming out of that girl you like’s room at 2 a.m.

Supporters:

  • Basically everyone, because who doesn’t like school-sponsored keggers.

Detractors:

  • The Living Well LLC
  • Lame RA’s
  • Other NARPs
  1. The Panderer

all ur dreams

Platform: Free food all the time everywhere. Not only off-campus meal plans, out-of-state meal plans. Everything is free. Electric bill? Free. Will fix everything freshmen complain about during NSO. Like that time you ran for middle school council but got beaten by the kid who promised kool-aid water fountains.

Last seen: Staggering under the pile of 15 pizzas he promised for his campaign event

Supporters:

  • Freshmen who haven’t yet had the hope beaten out of them

Detractors:

  • Anyone with actual experience dealing with any kind of administration

Campaign Slogan: With great power comes no accountability

ann perkins shrug

  1. The Serial Advertiser

don draper wink

Platform: Who knows. All we know is that he needs to stop.

Campaign strategy: Post at least 3 times a day on the GAAP Facebook group, each time prefacing his pitch with an apologetic “I know you guys are tired of these, but . . .”

Last seen: Furiously trying to think of rhymes for his first name

Supporters:

  • His multiple Facebook friends that promise he’s “a really chill dude with lots of great ideas”

Detractors:

  • Pretty much everyone, but ends up winning from third choice votes, purely through name recognition

So, whatever your choice, remember that participating in democracy is one of the most important things we can do for our country. Now go out there and make your voice heard!

#kanye2020

Photos/Gifs: Giphy.com; tumblr.com; sheknows.com

GAAP Time Travel

GAAPgroup

In honor of yet another GAAP weekend this weekend, I would like to take you on a journey. This is the journey of a young accepted student, eagerly awaiting her arrival at Georgetown, who couldn’t resist the burning urge to post things in her GAAP group. Yes, this is the story of my life as an admitted student…

Flashback to 2012, upon being admitted in December, naturally the first thing I do is desperately try to make new friends.

gap1
Typical pre-frosh move, but it could be worse

The next person to post writes about wanting to do crew. Since I rowed in high school I naturally respond to his post. I proceeded to comment 9 times in this conversation thread. I felt it was neccesary…

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Look and me I’m cute and small

So I’m probably not leaving the best impression, but I doubt anyone reads these posts anyway…

Unfortunately that was not my only comment that conveyed far to much information. Another girl posed this question to the group “What’s your favorite food”. Clearly I needed to respond:

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But clearly they needed more specific information than that.

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Well at least these were just comments on other peoples’ posts. That makes it better. Right?

Fast forward one month. I find out, much to my dismay that I cannot go to the early action GAAP weekend. Naturally I share my distress:

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But I still wanted everyone to have fun…

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Don’t worry! I did attend a later GAAP weekend, and of course I posted about that too:

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Ok so these posts are getting slightly excessive I know. But can you blame me? I clearly have important things to share, and lots of thoughts on my mind!

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Because that’s going to make people think I’m unspoiled and down to earth
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Pretty sure they saw this and didn’t let me in
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I already hated pre-registration
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And was disillusioned by the Hoyas, if only I could have foreseen FGCU

I also had a lot of pressing questions for upperclassmen:

gap12

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Clearly I was very considered about my academics. Where did all that effort go!

While these are a select few of my posts in the Georgetown 2016 GAAP Group, they are far from all of them. While I am slightly ashamed by the fervor with which I posted before coming to Georgetown, I have #noregrets.

In honor of GAAP weekend I challenge you to backstalk yourself in your own GAAP group. (Or better yet, do it to your friends) You’ll uncover the awkwardness you thought you’d blocked out and relive what it was like before coming to campus.

Photos: Facebook.com; blogspot.com