10 Reasons You Should Buy Basketball Season Tickets

Many years ago, the mere thought of writing this article would have been absurd. There was once a time when school spirit was high, lottery picks roamed the Hilltop and students needed no convincing when it came time to buy basketball season tickets. But that was a lifetime ago.*

*I’m actually referring to as recently as 2013. You read that right. Just five years ago, Georgetown basketball finished first in the Big East, was ranked as high as fifth in the AP Poll and star guard Otto Porter was selected third in the NBA draft. Everyone needs to calm down (looking at you, @EveryAlumnusWhoGraduatedInThe1980s). We’re going to be fine.

But I digress. We are gathered here today to discuss the current state of Georgetown basketball as it exists in 2018. And I’m here to tell you why — despite what you may have heard from disgruntled seniors — buying season tickets is well worth the money.

So here we go:

1. Celebrities

I’ll admit it: I spend far more time scrolling through Daily Mail Online than I do reading The New York Times. And based on how many of you waited in line for hours to see Bradley Cooper speak in Gaston Hall, I’m guessing you’re just as obsessed with celebrities as I am.

So, even if you couldn’t care less about basketball and will spend the entire game staring at your Instagram feed instead of glancing at the court, you should still buy tickets. Why? It’s simple: Famous people might show up.

Don’t believe me? See below:

Former President Barack Obama sitting courtside, cheering on the Hoyas with that guy from the memes.
Obama thanking loyal fans who bought season tickets.

 

The dad from “Are We There Yet?” AND the second-best detective from “Law and Order: SVU”

 

Mr. Hailey Baldwin

Think of how it will feel being left out when all your friends start sharing those coveted Obama selfies on Insta.

2. Less Time On Campus

Literally any day I do not have to spend stuck on this moldy, rat-infested, construction-filled campus is a day well-spent. I say this out of love, but also, please do something, @JohnJDeGioia; none of the sinks work, and the buildings are literally infested with living snakes. Search @georgetown.hotmess on Instagram for specifics. The Verizon Center Capital One Arena is nice and does not use tulips to cover its glaring problems.

3. Heyyyyyyy Baby

Even during the worst losses, the pep band plays that song that goes “Heyyyyyyyy-yyyy Baby, I wanna knoooooooow if you’ll be my girl (*dun dun dun dun*)” and everybody sings and sort of dances along to it. It’s really fun and a nice break from the routine of “Mr. Brightside.” Also, if you don’t know what song I’m talking about, just sing the words I wrote and Shazam it.

4. Beer

 In the recent, infamous words of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named AKA Less Attractive Matt Damon AKA Are You Kidding Me @Joe Manchin: “I liked beer, I still like beer.” Capital One Arena has beer.

Disclaimer: Students must be 21 or older to drink aforementioned beer.

5. Chick-Fil-A

Chick-Fil-A is available at the games, and it’s honestly faster to Uber over to the arena, order and eat your meal than it is to wait in line at the Leavey Center location.

6. Slam Dunk

Have you ever seen somebody dunk a basketball in person? It is so cool. How do they jump so high? And make the ball go in the basket while jumping? This alone is worth the price of admission. Mac McClung, do us proud this year. Also, if you’re reading this, follow me back on Instagram.

7. The Memes

When the meme page was first born way back in the early days of 2017, the memes almost exclusively referenced a man they called “JT3”. And it was these very memes that single-handedly ended JT3’s reign and brought St. Patrick into our lives.

For you youngsters out there, this was a dark time, but an important one nonetheless. Those who do not remember history are doomed to repeat it. You must go to the games so that you can recognize the warning signs. If things ever get that bad again, it is your responsibility to make the next generation of memes. The fate of the Hilltop depends on it.

8. The Capitals

Fun fact: Capital One Arena is also home to the current Stanley Cup champions, the Washington Capitals! For the unfamiliar, the Capitals are the hockey team that locals pretend to like because all the other D.C. sports teams are bad. Also, their team captain partied at the Georgetown waterfront with the cup this summer and then jumped in the fountain. Based on the Snapchats I saw, it looked pretty fun. So maybe he’ll show up to one of our games! Fun!

9. Alumni

Most of the fans at these games are alumni over the age of 40 who are eager to loudly remind you that school spirit “isn’t what it used to be” (and also that there was once “a pub in the basement of Healy.” Seriously, they will talk about that damn pub for hours if you don’t stop them. Like, there is no way it was that fun.)

Now I know “irate Hoya baby boomers” might not sound like a recipe for a good time, but think of it in terms of networking. It’s simple. These people love Georgetown basketball, and they’ll love you too if you tell them that you also love Georgetown basketball (see: the Transitive Property of Hoya Saxa). Get them reminiscing about the good ol’ days for five minutes in the popcorn line and the next thing you know, boom: You’ve somehow secured that elusive Goldman internship. All you MSBros do not want to miss this opportunity.

10. Me

Listen up: This is my senior year, and I do not want to spend the remainder of my glory days sitting in a mostly empty arena on a Tuesday night. These memories have to get me through the rest of what will probably be a pretty boring life, so they better be good. Just buy tickets, show up to the games, get some beer, cheer and make the most of it.

Go get your tickets at wearegeorgetown.com

Hoya Saxa.

Disclaimer: Patrick Ewing is NOT paying me to write this article, but if you’re reading this, Coach Ewing, can you please grant me access to the Thompson Center in exchange for this free publicity??  I won’t even use any of the equipment, I just want to get a cool pic for my Insta story so I can lord it over the peasants at Yates. Email 4E if this is cool.

Sources: giphy.com, pinterest.com, genius.com, sbnation.com, fansided.com, facebook.com

5 Questions to Ask Bradley Cooper Today

If you’ve walked by Healy at some point during the past 24 hours, you — like those at 4E — would know that Georgetown’s own Bradley Cooper is coming to campus today. And even though Bradley somehow rooted for Villanova in the NCAA tournament two years ago, we are very excited about this news. So, in preparation, we here at 4E have created a list of potential questions for our readers to ask Bradley. Look no further for some creative ways to get his attention (and possibly steal his heart):

1. Hot Chick or Chicken Madness?

Obviously, Bradley will be able to end this debate once and for all. (Editor’s Note: it’s Chicken Madness. Not even close.)

2. Will you come with me to DipBall?

Bradley turned someone down for this same question in 2010, but maybe second time’s the charm?

3. Do you know the location of the Wisey’s Rat?

(If anyone knows the location of the Wisey’s Rat please contact 4E ASAP. We have some questions.)

4. How do you feel about NUG?

Bradley was at Georgetown when the OG UG opened, so we’re sure he’ll have an opinion about its revamp.

5. Who is your favorite Hoyalumni?

We just want to know.

Hopefully, Bradley will give us the ~tea~ today.

Sources: giphy.com, pinterest.com 

March Madness Advice

It’s official: March Madness is upon us. I’m told by some alumni that there was once a time when the Georgetown basketball team was part of this tournament, but much like the stories of the days when students allegedly “went to games” and “could name a player on the team,” I’m pretty sure this is just a rumor. Regardless, we here at 4E (AKA the ~real~ sports section of The Hoya) have come up with some helpful advice for building that perfect bracket.

When you see that Syracuse somehow made it in

Consider Picking Schools That Have Jack-Like Mascots

The real tragedy of us missing the tournament is that the world will be deprived of seeing our beloved Jack the Bulldog ride his skateboard or drive his car around the court. But luckily, March Madness will still have some canine representation. Here are some possible picks you should consider based on their potential for adorableness:

Gonzaga Bulldogs:

Their “dog” is named Spike. It’s just a guy in a suit. No actual dog. Disappointing. 2/10.

Butler Bulldogs:

Their dog is named Blue. He’s no Jack, but at least he’s an actual dog. Overall, pretty cute. Nice smile. Would definitely pet. 7/10.

UMBC (University of Maryland, Baltimore County) Retrievers:

The dog is named “True Grit”. Creative choice. Unclear if the mascot is “officially” just a guy in a suit, but according to Google Images, they seem to frequently have a plethora of live retrievers present at many events. I endorse this. Reminds me of Air Bud. 9/10.

      

 

Stay Away From the Big East

As many of you may know, many of the other teams in the Big East were very mean to the Hoyas this season. They often (very rudely) chose to score a lot of points and also frequently prevented us from scoring some points of our own. Very inconsiderate! Karma will not be kind to them in the tournament — stay away!

When someone says Villanova is going to win it all this year

Also, Providence has this horrifying mascot. We can’t pick them knowing this thing will be there.

It’s gonna be a no for me, dawg

Remember Your Jesuit Values

The Arizona State Sun Devils? The Duke Blue Devils? Not today, Satan! These squads are clearly trying to tempt you into straying from your Jesuit values. March Madness is no time for such sinful endeavors, my fellow men and women for others. We suggest you play it safe and stick with the Penn Quakers — based on what little information I remember from my sixth-grade social studies class  my extensive research, Quakers and Jesuits are essentially the same thing.

Also, remember that Penn once kindly took Ivanka off our hands, further proving their charitable nature (#NotMyFirstDaughter #WhyIsGeorgetownAssociatedWithSoManyTrumpChildren #TiffanyActuallySeemsOkThough). With all this in mind, Penn is pretty much a surefire pick for the Final Four.

When God sees you filling out your bracket

Don’t Pick Michigan State.

This one may seem both arbitrary and contrary to popular opinion, but remember this: current star player and probable future lottery pick Jaren Jackson Jr. chose Michigan State over Georgetown. Yes, way back in 2016, the highly touted recruit included Georgetown among his final five school choices and then somehow didn’t pick us. Wyd Jaren?? Didn’t the tour guides tell you about new Leo’s? Were you not impressed by Lau? Did the rats scare you off??

Whatever the reason, to quote the internship rejection emails I keep getting, we’ve unfortunately “decided to go in a different direction” on this one and cannot recommend that our readers pick Michigan State. And if you’re reading this, Jaren Jackson Jr., please consider forgoing your lucrative NBA career in favor of transferring to the Hilltop next year. Patrick Ewing is really cool and some students will probably show up at a home game at some point. Also, we have a Chick-Fil-A now!

Bet you thought all my advice was going to be based solely on mascots, didn’t you? #insightful

And finally….

Do Not Pick Syracuse

Enough said.

We hope you have fun this month, and remember: next year will be better! We look forward to seeing you all at the Arena Formerly Known as the Verizon Center for the one game you’ll attend before leaving early to go to Rocket Bar.

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, pinterest.com, golfdigest.com, kentuckysportsradio.com

Most Romantic Valentine’s Day Movies

It’s officially February, and you know what that means: studying for midterms, distracting fellow Hoyas with your nonstop coughing in class and, of course, planning for Valentine’s Day! Valentine’s Day is the perfect opportunity to finally make your move and we here at 4E have come up with some surefire ways to make your date night a total success. Check out our definitive list of ~The Most Romantic Valentine’s Day Movies of All Time~ to impress your future Hoya spouse:

Titanic

Yes, Leonardo DiCaprio has sadly gone from “certified heartthrob” to “creepy guy who asks you how old you are at the homecoming tailgate,” but it’s easy to ignore that precipitous decline when you see him on screen in this late-90s classic. Celine Dion? Drawing people like French girls? Drowning? Could it be any more romantic? (Yes, that was a Chandler reference — be sure to do that exact impression at some point during your date to keep up the whole 90s theme.)

When you stand on the edge of the LXR Rooftop

Call Me By Your Name

Armie Hammer? Timothée Chalamet? Say no more.

When “Mr. Brightside” comes on

When Harry Met Sally

This one scores big on the Romance Scale for the simple fact that Harry is played by the same guy who voices Mike Wazowski. That’s really going to set the mood you’re looking for. You’re welcome.

You vs. the guy she tells you not to worry about

Gone With the Wind

This movie is a great way to let your potential bae know that you’re “majoring in English and minoring in Film”. Alternatively, if you’re still trying to keep up the whole “I’m going to land a Goldman internship” charade, we suggest you watch something else.

Ya idk I’ve never actually seen this movie

St. Elmo’s Fire

A Georgetown Classic. Rob Lowe’s character is 100 percent the kind of Hoya who gets way too into Jersey Night and exclusively communicates using the phrases “u up?”, “wyd” and “come to New South”. Demi Moore is also there, along with 3/5 of The Breakfast Club cast. Fun. Diverse. Romantic!

Smile if you got into GUASFCU!

She’s the Man

The greatest movie of all time? We think so. If your date doesn’t understand “how they don’t just realize that Amanda Bynes is clearly a girl”, she’s too young for you, bro.

Also, if anyone has any idea where Amanda Bynes is these days, please contact the staff here at 4E ASAP. We are very concerned and miss her terribly.

The Meryl Streep of our generation

Bee Movie

Fun fact: When he was 39, Jerry Seinfeld dated a 17-year-old who attended GWU. Seriously, google it. What a classic #DC romance! This is the perfect movie if your date is a much older sitcom star.

???? I don’t understand the appeal

Stuart Little*

*[Insert Wisey’s Rat joke here]

**Yes I know Stuart is technically a “mouse” and not a “rat”, but let’s be honest, you’d still call facilities if you saw that thing anywhere near your apartment.

So they…adopt the mouse? Like instead of adopting an actual child who needs a family??

Spy Kids 2

Spy Kids 2? I know what you’re thinking. Yes, it must be Spy Kids 2, not Spy Kids 1. This one has Steve Buscemi AND Emily Osment. And if you’re date has the audacity to suggest you watch Spy Kids 3? Get out of there before it’s too late. Also, the girl who plays Carmen is now married to Carlos from Big Time Rush and the guy who plays Juni is engaged to Meghan Trainor. Be sure to mention this to your date so they know you keep up with all the latest political news.

Nothing but respect for MY Presidents

So there you have it, kids. You can’t go wrong with a single one of these movies this Valentine’s Day. Good luck, Hoyas!

Photos/Gifts: giphy.com, vanityfair.com, ew.com, amazon.com, misucell.com

The Mysteries of 2017: A Recap

As 2018 begins, leaving 2017 in the dust, we here at 4E want to make sure you remember all the mysteries past. Don’t forget all the unsolved questions that made 2017 so special!

1. Is Kylie pregnant?

2. Did The Wisey’s Rat™ successfully make its escape from Georgetown? Are it and its four children ~thriving~ ?

3. Does Royal Jacket serve breakfast for a meal swipe? Or is this one just a me problem?

4. Will anyone ever find a quick way to the new Uncommon Grounds (preferably no stairs)?

5. How many more devastating losses will Georgetown men’s basketball have this season?

6. What happened to the @hoyas_eatin_naners account?

7.  How much longer will “Mr. Brightside” be THE Georgetown party song?

8. What new meal will Remy, the Leo’s mascot, cook for us next?

9. Will Bulldog Tavern ever become efficient?

We here at 4E sincerely hope that some of these mysteries will be solved in 2018. See you never @2017!

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, attitudemag.com

Georgetown Basketball: Season Predictions For The Non-Sports Inclined

Amid finals season, the promise of this year’s basketball team under newly appointed head coach Patrick Ewing may be something to look forward to. Or perhaps not…

You, colorized, ca. 2017.

As someone whose GPA would suffer tremendously if athletics were part of the core requirement, you don’t really know what to make of the hype around this season. You were convinced to buy student season tickets by the incessant emails , but you’re not sure you made a wise investment. You once played basketball during eighth period P.E. in middle school, but your goal was primarily to jump and grab onto the net rather than to score. You honestly just want to get on the DanceCam. While it can be overwhelming for someone like you to understand at all what’s going on within 10 miles of the Verizon Center Capital One Arena, there is hope. You are ~not alone~. To help people like you, 4E presents our season predictions for the non-sports inclined:

  • Patrick Ewing will continue to look like a stock photograph for memes. While many are wondering what the former Hoya and NBA superstar will bring to the table as we head into conference play, one thing is certain: His meme potential is astronomical.

    Exhibit 1
  • The student section will continue to look like we’re constantly in the middle of finals season. From the mumps outbreak to the never-ending midterms season to the existential crisis to be an #academic, it appears Hoyas are staying at home in increasing numbers.

 

  • Jack the Bulldog will lose his job to robots. As technology continues to leave humans jobless, what’s to say that this trend won’t spread to man’s best friend? Certainly, a robo-dog would be even better at riding a skateboard than an obese bulldog that pants at the thought of moving.
  • Rocket Bar will continue to be the main highlight for going to a basketball game. Honestly, when is this place not the main draw?
  • Hoya Blue will continue to make us look bad on national television. It seems as though the same six people sit in the front row at every game, looking confused and hopeless and realizing they made a grave mistake by buying another year of season tickets. Hopefully, the major television networks that make the mistake of broadcasting our games will pan to the empty parts of the stands, which present a better ~aesthetic~.
  • Capital One Arena’s chicken tenders will continue to outshine the new Leo’s. It’s unfortunate when $14.99 chicken fingers can outshine anything, but these babies do just that to our beloved only dining hall.

As the season gets into full swing, you’re now prepared to be ~on top of your game~! See you not at the game!

Photos/GIFS: giphy.com, yahoo.sports.com, seatgeek.com

What Famous Hoya Are You?

College is a time of great uncertainty. Everyday, we ask ourselves: “What will I do with my life?” “Who will I be when I grow up?” “Why did I decide to major in English?”

We know these questions might seem scary, but 4E is here to help you procrastinate writing that essay for another five minutes discover who you really are. Take this quiz, and finally find an answer to the timeless question:

What Famous Hoya Are You?

 

Photos: tumblr.com

 

A Guide To Homecoming

Yes, it’s sadly still midterm season, which means that you’re probably reading this article on Lau 2 while simultaneously crafting a last-minute email to your professor begging for an extension. But now it’s time for you to take a break from the stress and completely ignore all your responsibilities, because #HoyaHomecoming is officially upon us. In honor of the one day a year we can kind of act like a state school, we here at 4E have complied a helpful guide to make sure that your Homecoming experience is a success.

#HoyaHomecoming 2017, colorized.

Remember: It’s a Marathon, Not a Sprint

Look, we’ve all been there: You and 20 of your closest friends are crammed into a 12×15 foot dorm room. You’re looking ~fresh~ in your very original, one-of-a-kind, totally unique Georgetown basketball jersey. Your signature song (“Hips Don’t Lie” by Shakira) is playing, and that cutie from your Econ class is definitely taking notice of your impressive dabbing ability. Needless to say, the pregame is ~lit~. And at some point, this level of “litness” will likely inspire you to “go all out” for #HoyaHomecoming and do one of the following: A) Take way too many shots of Fireball B) Take way too many shots of Lime Burnett’s or C) Chug an entire can of Four Loko.

As you consider your options, 4E is here to give you some friendly advice: DON’T DO IT. Under the florescent lights of that sweaty dorm room, we know it may seem like a good idea, but trust us, in a few hours, you will come to the painful realization that it was not. The key to a successful Homecoming is to pace yourself. Unlike a normal night out, you will be expected both to stay awake for more than four hours and to functionally interact with actual adults in a non-Piano-Bar-setting. Neither of those things will be possible if you achieve maximum “litness” at 9 a.m. And as you make your decisions about how much to drink throughout the rest of the day, just remember that while Homecoming may be temporary, Snapchat screenshots are forever.

Love Thy Neighbor.

If you remember anything from last year’s homecoming, you’ll remember that our neighbors literally hate us. And noise. And alcohol. And anything even remotely resembling fun. So despite the fact that they knew ~Georgetown~ University was located here when they made the decision to move to ~Georgetown~, they will not hesitate to call the feds S.N.A.P.S on us if they catch the slightest whiff of Burnett’s or hear even the faintest hint of “Mr. Brightside” coming from a townhouse. Unfortunately for many of our readers out there, what this means is that most of your upperclassman friends will probably not be cool with you and every other member of Darnall 5 crashing their party.

But don’t worry! Getting rejected from and/or getting kicked out of at least one party is basically a #HoyaHomecoming rite of passage. And there are still plenty of other fun ways for you to spend your day! You can wander aimlessly around the neighborhood and engage in some classic Georgetown traditions, such as sprinting away from GUPD cars, getting yelled at by old people who may or may not be John Kerry, and searching for half-empty cans of Natty that have been discarded on the street.

Back on campus, you can easily sneak into pay for a ticket to the tailgate on Regents lawn- here you can do some cool stuff like get a sunburn and make awkward small talk with alumni while you wait in the food line for 20 minutes. And of course, if all else fails, we’ll always have the Vil A rooftop. Nothing says #HoyaHomecoming quite like gazing out at that beautiful Arlington skyline as you watch  your classmates come dangerously close to falling over the railing.

Georgetown residents upon seeing even a single red solo cup

Water. Food. Rest. Repeat.

Remember what I said earlier about pacing yourself? I can already tell that you didn’t listen to me. Now you’re exhausted, your phone is dead, and you’re sitting on the floor of a New South bathroom, wondering where it all went wrong. You’ve managed to lose both your dignity and your GoCard- and it’s still only noon. Bet you don’t feel so “lit” anymore, huh? But don’t despair – 4E is here to save you! First, you need to walk/crawl to the nearest vending machine/sink/Dahlgren Fountain, and HYDRATE. You are in desperate need of H2O. Drink up.

Next, you need to eat something that will help counteract the consequences of that last Natty you ~regrettably~ decided to shotgun. If you can’t talk your way back into the tailgate to acquire some free pizza, we recommend you stick with what you know and head on over to Wisey’s. After all, the best Chicken Madnesses are the ones you don’t remember eating.

Finally, your phone isn’t the only thing that needs to recharge. Whether it’s in your own bed or in the middle of Healy Lawn, you need to take a power nap. Find a spot, tell a friend to wake you up in an hour and pass out. Don’t worry, the Vil A rooftop isn’t going anywhere. There will be plenty more opportunities to embarrass yourself when you wake up.

You at Homecoming if you ignore my advice

Make Memories

As a distinguished member of the class of ‘85 drunkenly yelled at me during Homecoming last year once told me, college is the best four years of your life. I know this may not seem true as you stress-cry while writing a paper on Lau 2 at 4 a.m., but Homecoming gives you the perfect opportunity to rediscover why you first fell in love with Georgetown all those year(s) ago. So don’t be afraid to belt out the (probably wrong) lyrics to the fight song when someone inevitably starts up a bad acapella rendition in the middle of a party. Don’t be afraid to make valuable future business connections new friends as you wait in line for food at the tailgate. Don’t be afraid to break your wrist from falling off of the John Carrol statue while trying to take that perfect #HoyaHomecoming Instagram.

Because we here at 4E want to let you in on a secret: our sources can confirm that the real world is a scary place. Apparently, once you turn 23, it is suddenly no longer acceptable to sleep until 2 p.m. every day, or eat chicken fingers for every meal, or religiously attend an event called “Jersey Night” every Wednesday. And so, my fellow students, be sure to enjoy every moment of your time here on the Hilltop. And to all the alumni out there reading this guide with a mix of shock, nostalgia, and anticipation, we leave you with the immortal words of Saint John Thompson Jr: “If I can’t go to Heaven, take me back to Georgetown.”

See you soon, and Hoya Saxa.

P.S: Please actually make good choices! And remember that GERMS can always be reached at 202-687-4357.

Sources: giphy.com/ Lauinger Library

The 5 Parents You Will Meet During Parents Weekend

Take a break from rationing your remaining flex dollars and crying at the thought of having to eat at New Leo’s, because Parents Weekend (a.k.a. Beg Your Parents to Buy You Food Weekend) is upon us. And while it’s certainly nice to see the ‘rents (s/o my fellow #millennials), there are always some moms and dads you should be on the lookout for. To help you out, we’ve complied a list of the five parents you will meet during Parents Weekend:

1. The “Alumnus”

This parent answers the hypothetical question, “What if Jersey Night was somehow a dad?” Get ready for a weekend full of some definitely-not-exaggerated stories about those “wild nights at The Tombs” and how he/she totally used to “party with Patrick Ewing” “back in the day”. The “Alumnus” can usually be found reminiscing about how “the drinking age used to be 18” or how “the basketball team used to be good,” while staring wistfully at Healy and telling you about the time his/her roommate fell out of a New South window. Should you have to interact with one of these parents over the course of your weekend, our best advice is to continually reassure the “Alumnus” that you too love the movie St. Elmo’s Fire, while casually hinting how “cool” it would be if someone could buy you a case of Natty.

The “Alumnus” “Back in the Day”

2. The “Empty-Nester”

This parent is still having a hard time accepting that the baby of the family is off at college. The Empty-Nester will spend the weekend doing the child’s laundry and thanklessly trying to replicate a home-cooked meal in the middle of a VCW common room. If your parent is the “Empty-Nester”, be sure to blatantly lie reassure them that you are making good choices, exercising regularly, and studying diligently every night before going to sleep promptly at 10 p.m. If you come into contact with someone else’s “Empty-Nester” mom or dad, be sure to nod sympathetically and mention how your own parents have simply replaced you with a dog.

The “Empty-Nester” at Parents Weekend

3. The “Well, MY Son/Daughter Doesn’t Drink”

This parent is hopelessly out of touch with reality. When meeting other parents, this mom or dad will immediately assert a (false) superiority by saying some variation of “Well, my [insert child’s name] isn’t much of a partier” or “Well, my [insert child’s name here] is too busy studying to really go out much”.  Nine times out of ten, this parent’s beloved child is the same child you once found passed out next to an empty can of Four Loko in a bathroom on a Tuesday night. If you meet one of these parents, resist the urge to show off all those incriminating Snapchats you’ve screenshotted, and simply go along with the naïve charade. Someday, likely in the form of a hospital bill after [insert child’s name here] is GERMSed from falling down the Vil A rooftop steps, the truth behind all those alleged “nights in Lau” will come out. But Parents Weekend is not that day.

Interacting with The “Well, My Son/Daughter Doesn’t Drink”

4. The “Is This Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend??”

This parent will spend the entire weekend launching a full-scale, Spanish-Inquisition-style investigation into his or her child’s dating life. This will include asking every carbon-based lifeform that comes within ten feet of New South, “So…you and [insert child’s name] are…friends?” If this is your parent, expect a weekend of having your room discreetly searched for evidence, and continually being asked “whom are you texting?” and “is there anything you want to tell me?” as you walk around campus. If you find yourself in a situation where this is one of your friend’s parents, we suggest you remove yourself from this situation as quickly as possible, unless you want to become the next contestant on a never-ending Jeopardy episode where every category is just “Are You Dating My Son???”

We have all met this mom

5. The “Trump Supporter”

This one goes out to you, Hoyas from Michigan, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania. So step away from the “H*yas for Choice” table and rip that “Feel the Bern” sticker off your laptop, because all your friends are about to find out that your parent(s) are wholly responsible for the horrible and embarrassing end of American Democracy as we know it voted for Donald J. Trump. If you want to keep some semblance of familial cordiality and make it through the weekend on speaking terms, follow some of these helpful tips and tricks:

  • DO NOT mention what happened when Jeff Sessions spoke at the Law School a few weeks ago.
  • DO NOT mention that Hillary spoke in Gaston last year.
  • DO NOT mention anything about her famous Hoya Husband either.
  • DO mention that Steve Bannon and Paul Manafort are alumni? (#notmyhoyas).
You, when your “Trump Supporter” parents talk to your friends

So there you have it: The five parents you will meet on parents weekend. From all of us here at 4E: be safe, have fun, and enjoy putting off that midterm paper in favor of getting brunch with the #rents.

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, wisegeek.com

6 Things I Learned About Georgetown While Abroad

Did I mention I studied abroad?

Step off of the Hilltop and outside of the Georgetown Bubble, and you will find many things to learn, do and see. The decision to “study” abroad was undoubtedly one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life.  Even so, the Hilltop certainly had me homesick: Georgetown has so many incredible things to offer; from expert faculty to your first New South pregame.

One of the strange parts about being abroad was learning about Georgetown. In fact, there are many things about my home university that I only realized after going to Milan. Some were good things, and others, not so much…

  1. We all like to poke fun at and react excessively to the swarms of  students smoking outside of Lau. Emerging from Lau, you may find yourself in a situation like this:Instead, the EXACT depiction of what students do in Europe is below. They are the real smokers: they don’t just do it to look cool, but they actually like cigarettes. Get ready for secondhand smoke.In reality, we don’t have much to complain about as non-smokers at Georgetown, since it seems most smokers here don’t fall into the latter category. We are nowhere near as threatened by secondhand smoke at Georgetown as we complain we are.
  2. Our coffee on campus is TERRIBLE. Paying at minimum $3.00 for burnt and stale coffee is not ever justifiable. I don’t even know if stale is an appropriate way to describe coffee, but I shouldn’t have to wonder. Case in point: my abroad university in Italy had vending machines that made better coffee than our campus baristas. Just another thing that machines do better. Since caffeine is such an important part of the student experience in college, its time to up our game.
  3. We need to give more credit to how beautiful and put-together our campus is. Campuses in the states are exceptional; from the manicured lawns, to the behind-the-scenes campus planning, to the sense of ownership the students take, it’s hard to not appreciate how much we’ve got. Instead, even my (nice and relatively expensive) Italian university had graffiti and was not managed nearly as well as Georgetown. Construction definitely gets old on campus, but it’s always for the better (except maybe the Thompson Center and the architectural disaster that is Lau).

    A tulip endowment is good for ~something~.
  4. You’re much more likely to feel supported at Georgetown than anywhere else. While we like to complain about stress and sub-par faculty at many points in our academic careers, try having a class whose syllabus doesn’t even tell you who your teacher is or where your class meets. At least we have capable (i.e. non-tenured) faculty that know what they’re doing. I complain about preregistration results as much as the next person, but try having not one, but two of your classes cancelled for good two weeks into the semester. How do students at a university that does that function (answer: they don’t)?
  5. WE HAVE SO MUCH MORE WORK. European academics are in fact whack. In all cases, I had just one assignment for each one of my classes: an oral final exam. At Georgetown, we have countless tests, multiple midterms, homework, essays, group projects (the list goes on).
    @everday during months-long midterm “season”

    The moral of the story is that Georgetown is perhaps harder than it really needs to be.

  6. Our campus and neighborhood is even less lit than we realize. Doesn’t need much explanation.

    The ONLY establishment with the name “bar” in it within a mile of Georgetown.
Alcatraz Club, a Milanese mainstay, doesn’t even need people to be lit.

Did I mention I studied abroad?

 

Photos/Gifs: tumblr.com, giphy.com, otnemea.com, flickr.com, residentadvisor.net