Welcome Back!

The trees on Prospect Street are starting to change color. The NSO horde has descended upon campus, tasked with welcoming over a thousand new students. Jack the Bulldog is on his way home from a restful summer vacation in Turks & Caicos.

In other words, the start of a new school year is here.

View into a typical apartment/dorm room the night before classes start.

We’ve been away for a while, so 4E has placed several investigative journalists on the scene to inform you, our readers, about the current state of life at Georgetown.

1.  Late Night Leo’s is back. This reporter got eyes on a top-secret Dining Committee meeting in which, praise be, it was confirmed that Leo’s will be both extending its evening hours AND its daily breakfast hours. Things are really looking up. How to take advantage of this upgrade: take your significant other on a romantic date in the sensual ambiance of post-9pm O’Donovan’s on the Waterfront.

You back on your “Eat, Pray, Leo’s” bulls***.

2. Senseless construction projects continue to reign supreme. This reporter has gathered several receipts on the noisy, bothersome operations that disrupt the usually mediocre idyllic standard of life at Georgetown. From the Hospital Pavilion to the perplexing gated area in front of Regents, prepare yourselves for a year of getting woken up early by drill sounds.

“A Quiet Place” but the monsters are construction workers disturbing your drunken slumber.

3. Coming Soon: Big Mouth Season 2. 4E’s favorite Hoyalumni, John Mulaney and Nick Kroll, have been killing it with their stand-up specials, Broadway shows and overall hilariousness. The former GU Improv duo made puberty the ~butt~ of many jokes with Netflix’s Big Mouth. Lucky for us, more is supposedly coming our way this fall. Be sure to binge watch instead of studying for midterms. Its what John and Nick would have wanted.

Freshmen using their fakes at Opera for the first time.

4. Rats. They’re everywhere. Returning students are generally desensitized to the presence of rodents on campus, but it feels like they’ve come back with a vengeance this year. This reporter was personally victimized by several SCREECHING critters on the way back from LXR last night. Just throwing it out there—there’s no shame in taking a SafeRide from ICC to Vil A to avoid them.

Walking out of Lau at 2 am like…

5. LIL DICKY is coming to town. Not ~technically~ a Georgetown-specific event, but if you haven’t bought tickets yet for his November 6th show, GET THEM NOW. I’m totally not writing this so I can DM him and tell him that I personally sold tickets on his behalf, causing him to fall in love and have beautiful Jewish babies with me.

 

Honorary AEPi member

6. Kirstjen Nielsen. While most of us were topping off our tans and drinking vodka lemonades, this Georgetown grad spent her summer separating families and interning children in “tender-age facilities.” I can’t *smh* enough about the work of Kirstjen and her fellow #guilty alum, Mr. Paul Manafort.

What is tax fraud anyway, though?

7. Midterms! I’m not talking about the ones that give you a temporary ulcer and make you question the purpose of higher education. DC is about to be torn apart in a storm of political divisiveness, so hurry up and get yourselves Hillternships ASAP so you can watch it happen. Caveat emptor: you have to actually vote in order to participate.

Oprah for the House, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson for the Senate.

8. You’re still playing yourself. Georgetown may be one of the top schools in the country, but even great intellect can’t stop smart people from doing stupid things. Locking yourself out of your room for the third time in three days really makes you question the teachers who told you to dream big back in high school. Here’s to a year full of dumb mistakes…

You can always drink away the embarrassment.

Best of luck everyone! Hoya Saxa.

 

Sources: giphy.com, theanthemdc.com,

Best of Amazon Reviews: Gummy Bears of Death

Banner - Gummy Bears

Gummy bears are nothing more than a harmless treat, right? Wrong. According to many customer reviews for one specific brand of these gelatin treats, Haribo Sugar-Free Bears®, gummy bears are a death sentence. In order to understand the hardships one may experience when consuming them, we at 4E have found the best snippets of the reviews. We hope you find them ~easily digestible~:

rumble

“It all began when I saw an Internet article that pointed me to these reviews, how I rue that day. I laughed for at least an hour at the ridiculous stories; sure they were entertaining, but these so-called “hell-bears” as so many reviewers refer to them couldn’t live up to the hype. So, I naturally did what any curious, doubtful person with a lot of free time on his or her hands would do: I ordered a 5 lb. bag.”

Upon receipt of these non-descript and innocent-looking gummy bears, I formulated my plan: 25 down the hatch every 30 minutes, until I dutifully reached 100. These things tasted good; quite good, actually. I, however, knew the clandestine nature of these bad boys based off the other reviews so I was wary. All was well after the first, second, and third ingestion and then…

“I was out in the city walking under the hot Brazilian afternoon sun, the kind of heat that bears down on you with actual weight. To keep from wilting, I had been downing a lot of water. My stomach’s been churning the last few minutes. The bears aren’t sitting well. I’m aware I’ll need to find a bathroom soon, but no worries.

anticipation

“I immediately started to walk like I was trying to hold a golf ball between both knees. I ran into the nearest store and waddled to the back isle all the time praying I could keep my sphincter closed long enough. About this time I spied another pair of doors marked employees only and pushed my way inside. I saw a small bathroom for employees and went straight to it, all the while a stock boy is trying to stop me and tell me I can’t use it. I stiff arm him from my football days and say in what must have sounded like a demonic voice from hell  ‘I’m sick, back off.’

“To my immediate relief I got the door shut and locked just in time for Mt. St Helen’s to blow.”

“I quit trying to stay hydrated hours ago, everything I drink comes out the other end violently and ceases to stop.”

baby crying

“I spent almost 2 hours, in various positions in, around, and above the toilet, and managed to double the normal monthly water and sewage bill of the store in that same period. I also can attest to the stench. I am not a chemist by education but have concluded that the Taliban-formulated sugar substitute utilized in these bears somehow instantly combines and interacts at the molecular level with existing intestinal contents to create a foul odor that no human, or Lord of the Rings character, would ever have reason to experience. I would suffice it to say that 2 months later my nose hair refuses to grow back and I am unable to discern between the smell of roses and acrid smoke rising from burning oil.”

shaking no

“Thanks to Haribo I have a better understanding of what the meaning of life is, and how to approach success in the face of adversity. I would not say that I’m a better man, but I am better prepared for life’s little games.”

“I am sending a bag of these to every member of Congress to show my deepest gratitude.”

 

Thanks to the reliable customers of Amazon for providing the comic relief! Now you readers of 4E have a great holiday gift idea for that special someone!

 

Photos/Information/Gifs: amazon.com, businessinsider.com, giphy.com