How to Become a GAAP Weekend Celeb

Dear4E_GAAP

It looks like word of 4E’s wealth of knowledge has spread to the class of 2019. This week we received an email from a senior in high school looking for some advice as he hopes to make the Hilltop his home next year. Seeing as how we’ve all been through this exciting chapter of our lives, we decided to lend this future Hoya a helping hand as he navigates the trials and tribulations of GAAP weekend…

Hey 4E,

I’m currently a senior in high school and was just accepted into Georgetown. Like 90% of other Hoyas I’m from the Dirty Jerz, so it’s safe to say that I think I’ll fit in pretty easily. I also play varsity lacrosse for my high school so I definitely have somewhat of a reputation throughout New Jersey and various parts of the east coast as a total bro. I’m planning on majoring in finance so that I can finally graduate from being a generic high school bro to full on MSBro. Basically, I’m psyched to leave high school behind and move onto the big leagues in college. 

Anyway, my mom is making me go to this GAAP weekend for admitted students in a few weeks and I’m in need of some advice. Everyone knows that Gtown students definitely work hard but for sure play harder. I really want to make a lasting impression during my GAAP weekend so people will still be talking about me when school starts in the fall. How can I make sure that I get an invite to a dope party, and what can I do to crush my GAAP weekend?

— Prescott Sterling III, Beer Pong Extraordinaire 

Dear Prescott Sterling III,

As you’ve probably guessed, GAAP weekend is a pretty big deal. How you act and present yourself throughout its entirety definitely has the potential to dictate how you’ll be spending the greatest four years of your life on the Hilltop. With that being said, securing an invite to a siiiick party and consequentially making a lasting impression is really dependent on several basic criteria.

First off, how you dress will really set the pace for your weekend. Everyone knows that all Georgetown students have incredibly preppy wardrobes, so holding back on your favorite pairs of pastel Vineyard Vines shorts and American flag Chubbies won’t be necessary. Just remember you want to look somewhat put together but still give off the vibe that you’re there for a good time. For real fashion inspiration just take some cues from your dad’s current wardrobe.

The next crucial part of your GAAP weekend that you’ll want to ace is your on campus tour. This will likely be your first opportunity to impress an actual student, so it goes without saying that messing it up will result in you tarnishing your reputation for the next four years. A lot of future Hoyas go into the tours thinking, “Wow, I can’t wait to ask questions about all the neat study spots on campus!” Clearly they’re not doing it right. You want to make an impression on your tour guide, so what better way to do so than by asking some hard-hitting questions? Make sure to ask your tour guide about things like the easiest route to Brown House and the chill to pull ratio of the various frats on campus. Showing your tour guide how cool you are will likely lead to an exclusive party invite, which leads to our next criteria.

After acing your tour and scoring a party invite you’ll be faced with the ultimate challenge: your first college party. Initially you’ll want to blend in with all of the Georgetown students. In order to do so mention relevant things like how bummed you are that Chief Ike’s Mambo Room just closed. The upperclassmen will totally be impressed with how much you already know about D.C. nightlife so you’ll likely earn their respect quickly. Next, after you establish yourself as a real Georgetown bro, you’ll want to up the ante by separating yourself from the run of the mill college students. This step requires some planning as you’ll need to remember to bring your own ping pong balls in order for it to work. Every time you pass a group playing beer pong obnoxiously scream “CELEB SHOT” before using your own pong ball to make a sweet shot. If anyone challenges your actions just flip the table, it’s a total power move.

All in all, if you follow these guidelines you’ll be guaranteed to have the greatest GAAP weekend of your life. You’ll likely create a reputation for yourself before you even arrive on campus in the fall. Legen-wait for it-dary.

Much Respect,

4E

Photos/Gifs: gifilike.com, imgur.com, http://honors.utah.edu/

A Guide to Crushing Valentine’s Day

college-advice

It seems as though 4E is starting to get somewhat of a reputation as being a highly regarded dating guru. After addressing the issue of what a DFMO entails, emails began pouring in from lovestruck Hoyas across campus begging for some words of wisdom.

We recently received an email from yet another freshman in need of some help with his dating debacle. With Valentine’s Day quickly approaching, we decided to lend him a helping hand and offer him a logical solution to his problem.

Hey 4E,

I saw your article a few weeks ago where you gave some pretty great dating advice, so I figured I’d give it a shot and ask for your opinion. There’s a girl who lives on my floor in New South, I’ll call her Sarah, and she’s pretty chill. She was in my ethics discussion last semester, but I was way too nervous to talk to her. Instead I just pretended to ignore her anytime she said hi to me in passing because I definitely didn’t want her to think I was too into her. I mean it’s all in the subtlety, right?

Anyway, I decided over winter break that I needed to make my move with Sarah this semester. The other day I ran into her in the hall on my way to the showers. Even though I was wearing a towel and carrying a shower caddy, I knew this was my time to shine. As I passed her I just blurted out “Hey Sarah, we should do something Saturday night.” She seemed kind of surprised, but it was casual because she agreed to hangout.  

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m really psyched Sarah wants to hangout this Saturday, but apparently that’s also Valentine’s Day. I’m not really into celebrating that holiday and I definitely have no clue what she’s expecting. My question for you, 4E, is how can I crush the Valentine’s Day game and really impress Sarah?

— Helpless in New South

Dear Helpless in New South,

Let me preface my advice with a question: what’s one thing all freshmen have in common? An eternal love for meal plans, of course! That’s why you should definitely make the most of yours by planning a special Valentine’s Day date at O’Donovan’s on the Waterfront. I mean nothing says romance quite like the sound of a dinging bell while someone screams “COME GET YOUR OMELETTE”, right? Right. Plus Sarah will be completely impressed with your ingenuity and regard for creative date ideas.

Now I know what you’re probably thinking, what could possibly be so great about Leo’s on Valentine’s Day? Well, a lot. Especially if you’re willing to put in the extra effort to make it a truly memorable dining experience. Just follow these simple guidelines and you’re sure to have the best Valentine’s Day ever!

When you get to Leo’s you may be tempted to offer to swipe Sarah in. DON’T DO IT. Seriously, it’s a huge trap. Today’s dating conventions are all about empowering everyone because #YesAllWomen (and more importantly, #YesAllMealPlans…gotta use those swipes somehow). After you swipe yourself in just start walking into Leo’s, she’ll get the idea and really appreciate how much you value her independence.

Next, find an extremely large table upstairs and commandeer it for your date. Pull a  tablecloth and some candles out of your backpack to help create some ambiance. Trust me, it’ll be totally effective. Insist that you each sit on opposite ends of the massive table and speak loudly the entire time to ensure that she can hear you. If she questions this seating arrangement, let her know it’s because it makes it easier to stare into her eyes.

Ask her what she wants to eat and tell her you’ll go get it for her. This will make her think you’re considerate. Completely ignore whatever request she makes and concoct the most disgusting mix of foods you can find. This will make her think you’re spontaneous. Continue to creepily stare at her as you eat as quickly as possible, and when you’re finished get up and leave. You’ll establish a sense of mystery which Sarah will definitely find intriguing, it’ll leave her wanting more. You’ll inevitably leave Leo’s thinking your date went so well that love must be in the air (fair warning: it’s actually Leo’s lingering scent).

Love 4Ever,

4E

Disclaimer: This article also does not express the views of any freshmen. The advice is still valid though.

Photos/Gifs: imgur.com; http://the-toast.net/

DFMO or Dating?

datingadvice

We here at 4E excel at a few things… like channeling our inner Beyoncé, partaking in debauchery and giving dating advice, allegedly.

Word of that last area of expertise seems to have reached our readers, as we received a letter from a seemingly distressed freshman in desperate need of our guidance. Hopefully our response will be enough to help her navigate the many trials and tribulations of being a freshman looking for l-o-v-e, love.

Hey 4E,

I’m writing to you because I need your advice, like really badly. So there was this guy, let’s just call him “Steve”, in my Problem of God class last semester who I totally liked. He definitely looked like Bradley Cooper combined with Ryan Reynolds, but he was also super sensitive like Ryan Gosling. Anyway, I think he was super into me too because he used to sit next to me in class every time we had a reading quiz. I’m pretty sure he really wanted to talk to me, but he was definitely just too shy to make a move.

So fast forward to last weekend. I decided to go out with about 15 of my closest friends because we heard this crazy party was going on at Brown House. We made sure to get there around 10:30 p.m. so we could get in before it got way too crowded. All 15 of us got in no problem though because my roommate’s sister’s friend was the bouncer and was totally psyched to see us at his party. The party was so much fun and so #college that I had to document as much of it as I possibly could on my SnapChat story. I was trying to take a selfie with all my friends (should have brought my selfie stick, rookie mistake) when I saw Steve across the room. “Shake It Off” started playing, and I knew this was my chance. Long story short, things got super crazy because Steve and I totally DFMO’ed at Brown House!

Now, here’s my problem. I’m really into Steve and clearly he’s really into me, what should I do?! I just feel like we need to talk about what happened and define this relationship. My friends think I’m overreacting to this DFMO, but I think Steve could be the one … especially because my tour guide told me 60% of Hoyas marry other Hoyas.

Please help me 4E!

Lovestruck Freshman

Dear Lovestruck Freshman,

First off, your friends are obviously crazy because you’re definitely not overreacting! In fact, you might even be under-reacting. If you really think Steve could be the one, then you’ll definitely want to define things before he finds another girl to DFMO with next weekend.

There’s a few things you can do to ensure that your relationship is defined before it gets to that point. First off, I suggest you send him a Facebook relationship request as soon as you can. Nothing clears up ambiguity quite like this direct approach, plus Steve will really appreciate your willingness to take control of the situation.

While you wait for him to inevitably accept your request you should take it upon yourself to stalk him on every form of social media back to 2007. Bonus points if you can find his old MySpace page! You’ll want to know everything you possibly can about Steve to prove just how dedicated you are to making this relationship work. Try not to get jealous when you see old posts about his 7th grade girlfriend, she was so 2008 anyway. Next, figure out which dorm Steve lives in and where he has class so you can casually wait around for him and ask why he hasn’t responded to your Facebook relationship request. Let him know that you really want to clear things up regarding your Brown House DFMO and make sure he knows that you really see a future for the two of you.

If this approach doesn’t work and Steve ends up thinking that you are certifiably insane, then he obviously isn’t worth your time. Go ahead and cry over a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, because they’re the only boys you need in your life anyway!

Love forever,

4E

Snooki_hair_flip

Disclaimer: This letter is entirely fictional and does not reflect the views of any Georgetown freshman. Also, we’re really bad at giving advice.

Photo/Gif: imgur.com; affordablepsychicreadings.com

Revengenda: Student Clubs

Club Rejection

“Club season,” as some (by some, I mean me) have dubbed it, is almost over at Georgetown. Like my mother astutely commented, applying to clubs at Georgetown is “almost like reapplying to college.” First, let’s acknowledge that there are some great clubs that do not require you to send applications. Here’s to you GIVES, GUGS and many more.

Secondly, one of the reasons clubs can be very competitive at Georgetown is that we Hoyas are generally a great group of kids. It’s almost unfair, am I right? Still, no matter how formidable the competition was, rejection can be tough. We at 4E understand and are here to help. One of my personal idols, Mindy Kaling, once said, “You should know I disagree with a lot of traditional advice. For instance, they say the best revenge is living well. I say it’s acid in the face — who will love them now?” In that spirit, here is 4E’s guide on how to get back at clubs that have rejected you.

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  1. People say, “The enemy of my enemy is my friend.” So, next semester, why not apply to the one club that is in friendly – or not so friendly – competition with the club that rejected you?
  2. Keep reapplying. Not just next semester, but reapply every semester for your entire time at Georgetown. If nothing else, you’ll annoy them to death.
  3. Take a note from Mean Girls and create your own burn book. Just don’t let it fall into the wrong hands…
  4. Go all Taylor Swift and write a chart topping song about the club. “I knew you were trouble when I clicked send.”
  5. Listen to Destiny Child’s “Survivor.” Don’t question it. Just trust me, it works.
  6. Have a little party with your good friends Ben & Jerry. tumblr_n5fiymEeUs1tqs1heo1_500
  7. Start your own club. You are a Hoya, which means you are intelligent, creative and (insert adjective of choice). Use this as inspiration and create something amazing!
  8. Don’t worry! On a more serious note, I myself can list several clubs I did not get into or have already reapplied to more than once. Opportunities besides student clubs are always coming up for Hoyas here on the Hilltop. Don’t let one decision get you down, never forget to keep trucking and doing you!

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Photo: copyblogger.com; Gifs: Buzzfeed.com, Tumblr