Secret Service Champagne Conspiracies

Banner - Secret ServiceIf you’ve ever walked down one of Georgetown’s many enchanting streets, you may have noticed one or two black Chevrolet Suburbans parked along O Street a few blocks from the main gates. While the people inside these cars aren’t as friendly as the guy in the white van nearby who always gives me free candy after I help him look for his dog, I wanted to know more. My freshman SFS self last year was astonished to learn that they are actually government officers who protect Secretary of State John Kerry, who happens to be a long time resident of Georgetown:

shocked

Naturally, I was curious and wanted to stalk learn more about them, so when the opportunity to walk along this street presented itself, I took it, and walked by 3322 O St NW. Let’s just say I did some undercover work; I ~disguised~ myself as a “lost college student”:

spying

I waited on the side of the street opposite from Secretary Kerry’s house for about five minutes. And then it happened. A officer gets out of the driver’s seat side of the car and begins stretching:

rabbit stretching
Looked something like this…

I wasn’t sure what was going to happen next (and absolutely had to see what was to transpire), so I pretended I lived at the house across the street by sitting down on the stoop and taking a ~very important phone call~. The stretching officer was then approached by a second officer from a separate car; I vaguely overheard this second officer ask the first if he was “ready,” and then they went towards the trunk of the car sitting closest to the house. Out of the trunk, they pull out a silk bag:

popcorn

And out of this silk bag, they then pull a bottle of champagne. A MASSIVE bottle of champagne.

champagne

They then both went into Kerry’s house. At this point my ~very important phone call~ ended and I unfortunately had other places to be (read: the call of an Epi quesadilla was ringing loudly). So, 4E has come up with some conspiracy theories as to what was going on during that fateful night.

  1. Dip Ball was being held here. Considering that Secretary Kerry is the head of all US diplomacy, it is quite possible that they were having their own dip ball and were using the champagne to celebrate. Clearly, the officers weren’t dressed appropriately, though…
  2. It was actually a bottle of wine, sent from none other than the wine connoisseur himself, Donald Trump. We all know how ~successful~ his winery is, and he was just sending a special gift to Kerry, whose presidential campaign Trump supported in past years.
  3. Secretary Kerry was having a moving away party; his house will be up for sale and rumor has it, Georgetown is buying it and will be offering it up in the housing selection process for next year.
  4. As part of the Iranian Nuclear Deal, Secretary Kerry negotiated to get a lifetime supply of champagne. Given his advanced age, this came down to just one large bottle.
  5. They were preparing for their own, debaucherous anti-Dip-Ball.
  6. Secretary Kerry was preparing to imitate this gif:

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, encyclopedia.com, thefederalist.com

Mike Radice

Mike Radice

Mike is 4E's Senior Editor. Hailing from the misunderstood state that gave you Chris Christie and trashy TV's finest stars, Mike is a senior in the SFS. He enjoys complaining about SaxaNet, roasting people with meme tags, and winning preregistration odds every time.
Mike Radice

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