The mixture of confidence, political-mindedness and neurosis within Georgetown men is a veritable Molotov cocktail of personality traits, which can be triggered to explode by both academic debate and debauched social gatherings.
Before you accuse me of misandry, a disclaimer: #NotAllMen.
Especially not Armie Hammer and his spectacular dance moves.
Some guys at Georgetown are absolute diamonds — ladies, if you find them, hold on tight. However, some Hoya boys (henceforth known as “Boyas”) are still in a little more of a “coal” phase.
Donald Trump attempting to dig up an alibi, 2017 (colorized).
Love them or hate them — and usually it’s a confusing mixture of both — Boyas are a group to watch.
Since 2018 is sure to be another year of, like, realizing stuff, please consult this guide to educate yourself on how to spot a Boya, both at a distance and up close.
Side note: Welcome to the world, Stormi!
Without further ado:
1. When he uses the Jesuit values to justify late-night booty calls.
2. If his room has a distinctly “fiscally conservative, socially liberal” aesthetic.
3. When he asks you for your NetID.
Okay, maybe you’re doing a group project together, but ladies, we all know what this guy wants. Sliding into your Gmail is the ~ultimate~ Boya move.
4. If every time you text him “what’s up?” he replies, “at Yates 💪🚨💯.”
5. If he wears his Patagucci like it’s a uniform.
6. When Chad is the name and ghosting is the game.
7. If his party attitude can best be described as “hit it and quit it.”
There’s nothing Georgetown students love to hate more than The Corp. Yet sometimes, when Leo’s just doesn’t cut it, even the most anti-establishment SFSers will succumb to their consumerist urges and support the capitalist temptress that is The Corp — those apple cinnamon muffins are just too good. But there are some of us whose Flex Dollar accounts seemingly runneth over and, thus, frequent Corp storefronts more than others. To anyone still stinging from their freshman fall Corp rejection, this one’s for you.
Hilltoss — the bougie student’s Crop Chop and the lazy student’s Sweetgreen. While some of us may balk at the prices — $12 for a salad the size of my palm?— the cost is no problem for your international friend whose parents are either diplomats or “international businessmen” (aka CIA operatives). This Moncler-sporting expat summers in the south of France, skis in the winters at their chalet in Switzerland and is way overdressed for your 9 a.m. “Problem of God” class. They like Hilltoss because it’s sooo much less processed than the rest of the food in the United States; after their refreshing, organic salad they are known to enjoy a cigarette break outside the HFSC.
This ~citizen of the world~ can find kinship in the laptop-sticker-loving social justice warrior waiting behind them in line. Likely a JUPS or WGST major, this person hails from Long Island or a wealthy Jersey suburb, probably spells their name weirdly — you’re not fooling anyone, Maddisynne — and used to love infinity signs and WeHeartIt but now has deleted all social media so they can be more “in touch with nature.” Though the rest of us may term them “granola,” they prefer to be called “sustainable” or “ecological.”
This artsy coffee snob was definitely deciding between Wesleyan, NYU, and Georgetown. They have a Crosley record player and listen exclusively to the Velvet Underground and Nirvana. UG is the perfect place for them to drink some ~real~ coffee while journaling or writing poetry in their Moleskine. Something about the album cover wall art and deliberately disheveled decor really gets their creative juices flowing and the “accidental” coffee rings on their papers make them feel authentic.
This ICC holy grail serves students of all kinds, from all backgrounds and in all schools, but there is one they serve the most — the over-caffeinated SFSer who just has SO MANY core requirements, three State Department internships at once, is learning their fifth language and really wants you to know they’re in the SFS and that their workload is harder than yours. One of the few breeds on campus able to navigate the labyrinth of the ICC, this student can often be seen running from “Map of the Modern World” to Arabic with a Corp coffee cup in hand. The best course of action is to get out of their way and get them their coffee as fast as possible — they’re in the SFS after all, so they need it more than you.
Most people who enter this glorified broom cupboard are under some sort of influence, be it exhaustion, alcohol or some other ~controlled~ substance. It takes a lot for someone to willingly shove themselves into a closet stuffed to the brim with likely expired drugstore candy and very few do so completely sober. The typical Snaxa-goer is a Southwest Quad sophomore looking for a lighter and some Cheetos to aid in their cannabis-related endeavors. They probably are in Ultimate Frisbee and are majoring in Econ or OPIM. This classic Hoya bro is definitely sporting head-to-toe Georgetown athletic gear despite not having been on a sports team since 10th grade — unless FIFA counts.
This person is that friend who never goes to lecture, writes papers drunk and still manages to make the Dean’s List. Whatever they lack in work ethic they make up for with determination, nerve and coffee. This highly caffeinated Hoya is an avid Redditor, with a taste in memes you don’t understand and a passion for conspiracy theories like, “Jack the Bulldog is actually a robotic surveillance device deployed by the Soviets during the Cold War, and that’s why you can never pet him.” You can find this person on Lau 2 at 11 p.m. the night before an essay they haven’t started is due, watching “Illuminati Confirmed” videos.
Nearly everyone goes to Vittles, but none more so than the sleep-deprived MSBro — or, I’m told, people getting ready to throw a Henle rager. Desperately in need of some Nutella or Red Bull to patch their life back together after scrolling through Facebook videos instead of studying for three hours, what this person really needs is a hug. Yet, all they get is a giant pack of oddly flavored potato chips they didn’t want because Vittles was out of what they really wanted.
Let’s be honest: Georgetown isn’t exactly known for its food. (Fun fact: Niche.com ranked us 1,017 out of 1,384 schools in its 2017 rankings for the “Best College Food in America”).
Nevertheless, with the renovation of an upper level of Leo’s that only flooded once this year and the addition of Chick-fil-A, we shouldn’t be complaining too much. And with all these new eateries come new types of people. Here are all of the different types of hungry Hoyas you’ll see throughout the Hilltop.
Probably an ex-boarding school student, this person is a veteran of Chinese takeout, constantly ordering the chicken fried rice, egg rolls and fried pork dumplings. Perhaps 5 Spice isn’t as luxurious as Shanghai Lounge, but with limited flex dollars you gotta ball on a budget with those meal swipes and make the most of it. You’ll probably never see this person actually eating in Leo’s — they’re most likely munching away at their sesame chicken while playing League of Legends or watching the basketball game on their laptop.
One of the most annoying eaters, a Sazón lover is that person screaming when “Despacito” comes on in a sweaty Henle. This person probably studied abroad and applied to live in a Spanish LLC after getting an A- in Intermediate II. Oh, and did they mention they studied abroad? The yellow rice from Sazón must have cultured them and ingrained both some ~diversity~ and ~perspective~.
This one’s a joke. Does anyone even eat here? Although I’ve never seen a line here, I imagine a Bodega lover is the type of person you’d see on a Georgetown brochure — organized, studious, disciplined and never puking off a Vil A rooftop on Georgetown Day.
Found in a Moncler coat and some hipster glasses, the standard Olive Branch customer is either a faux Italian or an expat who believes a ham, feta and spinach pizza really reflects their ~international status~. You’ll often find this person hanging out with the same three people every single day. Catch them at Sax or some bourgeois club away from us plebeians who don’t have cool accents.
You should always eat with this person, as they probably have zero standards for food and therefore will never complain about your cooking. The typical Downstairs Leo’s customer has both a large heart and stomach and probably complains about the small portion sizes at 5 Spice while defending the integrity of Georgetown mice — “They’re not even that bad.” These people are the least uptight and most carefree people you’ll meet in your life — a nice change of pace from the SFS kid who reminds you of his internship every day in class or that one freshman who claims she needs to live in a Henle or Vil B next year.
“Did I tell you I don’t eat complex carbs?” A regular Crop Chop fanatic will often be found ordering a kale salad inundated with a sour vinaigrette dressing. You can often spot Crop Chop lovers in Lululemon leggings on the way to Yates. If they don’t remind you they’re vegan or complain that “greasy” upstairs Leo’s promotes college obesity and unhealthy living, consider yourself lucky.
You should envy this person. How does someone have so much time to wait 30 minutes in line for a turkey and cheese sandwich? God forbid this person be found in Lau. Lauinger? Never heard of her. You’ll only spot them in the bourgeois resorts of Regents or working arduously in the MSB.
And of course, we mustn’t forget the majority of Hoyas who will be found drunkenly ordering Insomnia Cookies or Wingos in the late hours of the weekend. Good luck on your exams and happy eating!
Mercury is entering retrograde. Are you ready? Find out below in 4E’s weekly horoscope.
It it is your time to shine, Aries. Although Mercury is entering retrograde, it won’t stop you in your zodiac season. This week you will embark on a treasure hunt of passion and connection. Be prepared this weekend, as the stars will align and someone special will enter your sphere of love!
Stubborn Taurus will run into trouble this week as Mercury will create interpersonal conflict with those you most care about. Try to endure and boast your strong skills in patience. This week may not be your best but fear not — good times are on the horizon.
Gemini, you have had a tough couple weeks, but it’s time to let loose and have some fun! Shed your nervous skin, as Mercury will usher in a new period of blooming friendships and romance for you. Keep an eye out for that special someone this Saturday!
Sensitive moon child, it is time to let go. You have not been able to shake the past, but retrograde marks a fresh start for you. Throw away your insecurities and suspicions; they only bring negative energy. Be social, work hard and have fun this weekend. A big surprise awaits you on Friday!
I hope your bags are packed, because this week commences a journey of spiritual and physical discovery. Take time to think about the past and envision the future you desire. Your stubborn, inflexible side will be challenged as retrograde presents some complications along the way, but such is life!
This week is all about you, Virgo! Take time for self care and personal reflection. This Thursday, you will be tempted to return to bad habits — be cautious. Your strength on Thursday will be rewarded on Saturday with a night of friendship.
Child of Venus! After months of reflection, it’s time to show everyone why you’re led by the goddess of beauty! If you’re confident and keep a positive attitude, you shall surely reap the rewards. This week’s retrograde will bring up feelings of the past. Be careful, Libra — dwelling for too long can revert all the progress you’ve made.
Control is key, Scorpio. With retrograde swirling your emotions into a frenzy for the next few weeks, you will need to keep your cool. This time of chaos can be difficult for you, as it disrupts routines. Just think positively, and keep those hotheaded emotions in check! I fear an emotional blowup ahead if you cannot keep the passion to a minimum.
Look forward to flexing those sociable skills, adventurous one! This week may be your time to shine, Sagittarius. Despite the retrograde, you stay strong in times of uncertainty. Embrace this radiating energy — others will find you irresistible, so be on the look our for similarly irresistible new partners. You will be successful in romantic endeavors.
Play time is over, Capricorn! After weeks of fun, you need to bring your focus back to self-betterment. Instead of painting the town red on a night out, Netflix and chill alone instead! With the communication chaos of this week’s upcoming retrograde, try mending your most important relationship — with yourself.
Be ready to be tested, Aquarius! As a sociable sign, I know it’s disappointing to hear there are academic and professional challenges ahead. Don’t expect any straight A’s or pay raises — you’ll have to put in work first. Stay grounded, and study up!
It is a bittersweet week, Pisces! The season of your sign is over. Keep note of your finances; after getting all that birthday money, you should spend it wisely. You’ve been a bit casual with your finances lately, and there’s no need to take this into the retrograde. Keep note of any other financial opportunities this week, Pisces.
Children of the universe, that’s all the stars have for us for now! See you next week!
St. Patrick’s Day is this weekend, which means it’s one of those rare times when Georgetown students finally have some fun. There’s nothing better than putting on that one green shirt you never wear and eating and drinking as much as you possibly can. But for those people who are tired of the traditional St. Paddy’s Day celebration, here are some ideas to spice up your party this weekend.
St. Natty’s Day
What combines St. Paddy’s Day and college more than having a party where you only drink Natty Lights? Who cares that it’s not an Irish beer? We’re in the United States anyway.
St. Fratty’s Day
Just pretend Georgetown has a large Greek life presence on campus and throw a frat party complete with beer pong, bros and backwards hats. So frat!
St. Daddy’s Day
This party can go two ways. You can throw down with everyone’s biological father or celebrate with your real ~daddy~ ;).
St. Caddy’s Day
Time to bring out the Vineyard Vines and polo shirts, and turn your Henle into Georgetown’s most lit and most exclusive country club.
St. Ratty’s Day
This one is for all the important rats in our lives. We can officially party in celebration of the Wisey’s Rat™. Chicken Madnesses for everyone!
It’s official: March Madness is upon us. I’m told by some alumni that there was once a time when the Georgetown basketball team was part of this tournament, but much like the stories of the days when students allegedly “went to games” and “could name a player on the team,” I’m pretty sure this is just a rumor. Regardless, we here at 4E (AKA the ~real~ sports section of The Hoya) have come up with some helpful advice for building that perfect bracket.
Consider Picking Schools That Have Jack-Like Mascots
The real tragedy of us missing the tournament is that the world will be deprived of seeing our beloved Jack the Bulldog ride his skateboard or drive his car around the court. But luckily, March Madness will still have some canine representation. Here are some possible picks you should consider based on their potential for adorableness:
Their “dog” is named Spike. It’s just a guy in a suit. No actual dog. Disappointing. 2/10.
Their dog is named Blue. He’s no Jack, but at least he’s an actual dog. Overall, pretty cute. Nice smile. Would definitely pet. 7/10.
UMBC (University of Maryland, Baltimore County) Retrievers:
The dog is named “True Grit”. Creative choice. Unclear if the mascot is “officially” just a guy in a suit, but according to Google Images, they seem to frequently have a plethora of live retrievers present at many events. I endorse this. Reminds me of Air Bud. 9/10.
Stay Away From the Big East
As many of you may know, many of the other teams in the Big East were very mean to the Hoyas this season. They often (very rudely) chose to score a lot of points and also frequently prevented us from scoring some points of our own. Very inconsiderate! Karma will not be kind to them in the tournament — stay away!
Also, Providence has this horrifying mascot. We can’t pick them knowing this thing will be there.
Remember Your Jesuit Values
The Arizona State Sun Devils? The Duke Blue Devils? Not today, Satan! These squads are clearly trying to tempt you into straying from your Jesuit values. March Madness is no time for such sinful endeavors, my fellow men and women for others. We suggest you play it safe and stick with the Penn Quakers — based on what little information I remember from my sixth-grade social studies class my extensive research, Quakers and Jesuits are essentially the same thing.
Also, remember that Penn once kindly took Ivanka off our hands, further proving their charitable nature (#NotMyFirstDaughter #WhyIsGeorgetownAssociatedWithSoManyTrumpChildren #TiffanyActuallySeemsOkThough). With all this in mind, Penn is pretty much a surefire pick for the Final Four.
Don’t Pick Michigan State.
This one may seem both arbitrary and contrary to popular opinion, but remember this: current star player and probable future lottery pick Jaren Jackson Jr. chose Michigan State over Georgetown. Yes, way back in 2016, the highly touted recruit included Georgetown among his final five school choices and then somehow didn’t pick us. Wyd Jaren?? Didn’t the tour guides tell you about new Leo’s? Were you not impressed by Lau? Did the rats scare you off??
Whatever the reason, to quote the internship rejection emails I keep getting, we’ve unfortunately “decided to go in a different direction” on this one and cannot recommend that our readers pick Michigan State. And if you’re reading this, Jaren Jackson Jr., please consider forgoing your lucrative NBA career in favor of transferring to the Hilltop next year. Patrick Ewing is really cool and some students will probably show up at a home game at some point. Also, we have a Chick-Fil-A now!
Do Not Pick Syracuse
We hope you have fun this month, and remember: next year will be better! We look forward to seeing you all at the Arena Formerly Known as the Verizon Center for the one game you’ll attend before leaving early to go to Rocket Bar.
Urban Dictionary defines a snake as: “someone who you think is sincere and really nice, but then turns out to be a backstabber.” To people of Georgetown who have slightly inconvenienced me: welcome to your tape.
Security Guards at Lau – They let in homeless people but make me get out my GoCard. I go to Lau 1 at least three times a day.
People that don’t hold the door for you at Leo’s – Do you know how hard it is to open those heavy doors? Help a weak girl out here.
Tired Corp employee on a Sunday – I know you’re hungover, but can you at least look up at me while taking my order?
Freshman RAs – My study abroad application still lists my first week of school write-up as a disciplinary sanction. Did my noise complaint really disturb the peace of New South?
Professors who take off points after the third absence – I know this is all of them, but three absences really aren’t too many.
People who wear glasses and don’t need them, but just want to look smart and trendy – I’m essentially blind, so please don’t appropriate my culture.
Whisk guy who takes food orders – Stop taking 10 orders at once, forgetting them all, and then asking everyone their order again! It’s not an efficient system!
THAT ONE LXR SECURITY GUARD – You all know the one. We all have beef with her. Avoid this one at all costs.
The Walsh Building – It’s always blasting heat, the elevator takes forever, and the bathrooms are gross and have graffiti all over them. Students of the humanities truly do suffer.
People who press “Door Close” in an elevator when they see someone coming – You’re petty.
Jack the Bulldog’s walkers – I swear these people think they run the school. Once I was denied petting Jack because it wasn’t his “petting time.” I’m still not over it.
Well Hoyas, it’s that time of year again: St. Patrick’s Day.
A day where we all come together to celebrate Irish culture, beer, the color green and, of course, the life of a great saint.
Prepare yourself using these steps and you too could have the best St. Paddy’s Day of your life.
Wear something green
Look through your closet. Look through your friends’ closets. Swing by TJ Maxx on your way home from yoga. Whatever you do, find something green to wear. Don’t be that one party-pooper who is not wearing green because he “doesn’t own anything green” or “couldn’t find anything.” You’ve had a whole year to prepare for this. When Saturday rolls around, those excuses just aren’t going to fly.
Brush up on your Saint Paddy’s Day history
Wait, who even is St. Patrick? Some random Irish dude? Something about snakes and four-leaf clovers? It’s probably been a while since you learned about St. Paddy in your second-grade CCD class. Take a few minutes to read St. Paddy’s wiki. Come Saturday, you’ll be able to bust out some knowledge that would impress even your 80-year-old Irish grandma.
Color your culinary palette
From green eggs and ham to green Jell-O shots, take this opportunity to add some festivity to your plate. With some green food dye and some Bailey’s, you can make anything magically delicious.
Work on some dance moves
You may not be able to win a World Irish Dance competition, but that shouldn’t stop you from busting some moves on the big day! Try looking up some tutorials on YouTube. You can even gather up some friends and choreograph a routine. Everybody loves a good Irish jig.
Practice your Irish accent
Watch a movie with Irish people in it (like the Disney Channel Original classic “The Luck of the Irish” for example). Practice your accent in front of the mirror, in front of your friends — even in front of your professors if you’re feeling bold. By the end of the week, no one will even be able to tell you’re not even a little bit Irish.
Set a leprechaun trap
Sort of like the mouse traps that are already under your bed, but this one might actually work! Take the necessary precautions and you too can sleep soundly knowing you won’t be the subject of any pranks, tom-foolery or practical jokes. All that s–t is for April, not March.
Take a chance on your luck
Go ahead! Shoot your shot! Send that risky text! St. Paddy’s day is the perfect time to see whether all that superstitious, four leaf clover, lucky charms stuff is true or not. If you’re lucky, you could end up with something way better than a pot of gold. If not, well…
Enjoy St. Paddy’s Day your way
As one of the greatest holidays, St. Paddy’s Day is all about having fun. On this day you can finally purge all those leftover emotions from Valentine’s Day, make the greatest spring break comeback of all time and really prep yourself for the last few weeks before summer. Whatever your plans, make sure you gather up all your friends and enjoy every second of your St. Paddy’s Day this year.
It’s time to ditch the Charles Shaw. Here’s a list of some potential new favorites (if you’re 21, of course)!
Blue Fin Chardonnay & Pinot Noir, $3.99
Chardonnay is a pale straw gold color with aromas of lime, melon and some faint oak. It tastes of pears, warm oak and a touch of cinnamon and is finished with a mellow oakey pear taste.
Secco Mango Mangocini, $4.99
It comes to us from Germany, where they begin with Trebbiano grapes. The supplier makes a slightly effervescent wine from those grapes and adds mango juice and mango flavor to create a fizzy, fruity beverage that’s ideal for the hot days and nights of August and early September.
Green Fin Grenache Rosé, $4.99
This selection has a Bright medium reddish amber color and features Lively, fruity, earthy aromas of cherry-berry, dried wild strawberries, dusty oak and lemon zest with a crisp, dry full body and a warming, complex, breezy finish with fruit tannins and no oak.
Rebuttel Chardonnay, $7
tastes like caramel apples and fresh air — basically an apple picking day trip in a bottle.
Albada Viñas Viejas Garnacha, $6.99
This choice features Raisiny, saucy aromas that are slightly volatile. A wide, saturated palate comes up short on focus and acidity, while a mix of raisin and green-herb flavors lands on a heavy finish.
Incanto Prosecco, $12
This Prosecco is the perfect choice for anyone who doesn’t want a sweet wine but likes bubbles.
19 Crimes Red Blend, $7
if sweeter red wines aren’t your thing, this one probably isn’t your wine. Still, it’s hard not to be impressed by the fantastic marketing, as each label harbors a photo of an actual convicted criminal and each cork is labeled with one of the 19 crimes that could get you sent to prison in Australia.
2010 Casone Toscana, $10.99 (13%alc)
This one begins with a pleasant aroma of black cherry, strawberry, spice, some balsamic notes and a little mint.
2014 Pine Ridge Chenin Blanc Viognier, $9.99 (12.5%)
This selection has pleasant aromas of grapefruit, melon, and pear, along with honeysuckle and other floral notes.