Make Sightseeing Great Again

In these tumultuous times, the District may seem like a less attractive tourist destination. However, if you properly ignore a certain orange presence, you’re sure to enjoy checking out America’s most treasured monuments and museums, which, believe it or not, are still standing after the election!

So, if you’re disheartened and still a little confused by the events of November 8th, 2016 and you have friends coming in from out of town or you’re just looking for a cool museum to explore by yourself (#foreveralone), 4E’s got you covered!

The Gear

The most important aspect of being a D.C. tourist is looking the part. Sure, you go to Georgetown, but you shouldn’t walk into the National Gallery of Art wearing Vineyard Vines if you want to be a real D.C. expert. That’s why 4E recommends purchasing a classy American flag fanny pack for your trips into the center of our nation’s capital. Aside from being stylish, a fanny pack such as the Freedom Fanny Pack with Six-Pack Drink Holder Extension is a convenient option for storing beverages for yourself and whoever’s crazy enough to walk around with you. The fanny pack can be accompanied by American flag leggings or a pet bald eagle.*

*Note: Bald eagles cannot be legally kept as pets in the United States. 4E is in no way encouraging readers to attempt to domesticate bald eagles and thus holds no responsibility for bald eagle attacks. But also, you do you.

The Top 5 Tourist Stops

Washington Monument

The Washington Monument is a 555-foot obelisk built to honor George Washington. Construction of the monument was completed in 1888 and it is to this day the tallest structure in D.C.

Unfortunately, the National Park Service is currently working on the monument’s elevator so the obelisk’s famous viewing deck is currently closed to the public. As the National Park Service is at this moment engaged in a Twitter war with our commander in chief (you just can’t make this stuff up), it seems extremely unlikely that the monument will be open to visitors before its expected completion date of 2019. On the other hand, the Trump presidency’s expected completion date is 2020. We are very much hoping this is a liberal estimate.

National Gallery of Art

Before the National Endowment for the Arts is defunded by our president, it’s worth taking a trip to the National Gallery of Art where you can impress friends and family by pretending to know about art history. Was Picasso the one that cut his ear off? Was Joan Miró a man or a woman? What kind of horrible parents name their child Rembrandt Harmenszoon van Rijn? Don’t worry! Just pull a Kellyanne Conway by making some stuff up and laughing it off if anyone questions you. If you’re really stuck, just yell “alternative fact!” until people forget whatever ridiculous thing you said in the first place.

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

Just don’t.

This used to be an historic monument but it’s currently being desecrated by an oversized cheeto and his friends.

Even once he’s gone, visiting will be a bit like going into a bathroom stall when someone just came out and said “Hey, I wasn’t feeling so good so you might wanna wait a while before you go in there.”

Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. (Unless you’re a Russian hacker, in which case, pat yourself on the back and go collect your pay before he sues you).

Supreme Court

If you’re a bad hombre or a nasty woman, this stop will be one of your favorites!

Hidden behind the Capitol Building, the Supreme Court is where our country’s most significant judicial decisions are made by nine justices. Well, most of the time it’s nine. It’s kind of complicated at the moment. We won’t get into it. (Love you @merrickgarland)

More importantly, the Supreme Court is the workplace of America’s favorite grandma and 4E’s biggest fan, Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

National Air and Space Museum

For those days when you’ve gotten seven CNN News Alerts about Trump’s executive orders, tweets and absurdly long neckties, and you just feel like you can’t handle living on Earth any longer, put your phone on silent and take a break at the National Air and Space Museum!

This museum has on display the Wright brothers’ plane, the Friendship 7 capsule that John Glenn flew as the first American to orbit Earth and even the Apollo 11 module that was responsible for the moon landing. If you consider the moon landing to be fake news, feel free to skip that part.

If these exhibits still seem a little too close to all our planet’s insanity for your liking, the museum even has an IMAX movie about future travel to Mars. We know moving to Canada seems like a drastic option — after all, even though they have an awesome (*cough cough hot cough cough*) prime minister, Canadians eat snow off the street and apologize for everything. That’s why we recommend exploring the Mars One website (www.mars-one.com) which will tell you all you need to know about being a Mars colonist. You might want to upgrade your fanny pack for that trip though.

Sources: giphy.com, twitter.com, tumblr.com

Andrew Boas

Andrew Boas

Andrew, extreme Potterhead and J.K. Rowling disciple, is a sophomore in the SFS from Miami, Florida. He apologizes for the existence of his state. His hobbies include drinking obscene quantities of orange juice, cleaning his constantly dirty glasses, and complaining about random things in Yiddish. He is proudest of his ability to say the Welsh town name “Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch” in one breath, which he demonstrates for pretty much everyone he meets.
Andrew Boas

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