Notice: Front Page Fakeout is back, ladies and gentlemen! FPF is a parody post in which a 4E writer takes a story from The Hoya and puts an exaggerated and entirely false spin on it. Genius, we know. Front Page Fakeout uses invented names in its stories, except in cases where public figures are being blatantly satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
Jack the Bulldog may not frequent Verizon Center anymore due to his retirement, but that doesn’t mean he needs to stop being an all-star. Contrary to popular belief, Jack has found new stomping grounds, new ways to have fun and new crazy friends. In other words, he’s having a rollicking good time. But is it too good?
With Jack’s career coming to an end, the Hilltop needed a puppy replacement, pronto. Along came John B. Carroll, our new baby mascot. Jack’s first thought when he was notified of his long-awaited replacement was indubitably, TURN DOWN FOR WHAT? It was time for him to let loose.
Many university officials and Jack-insiders have said that since retirement, Jack still loves playing with other students. This is the understatement of the century. Jack has been “hanging out with the students” more than ever. He’s been spotted at Rhino, Malmaison, Brown House and even Rí Rá, despite only owning a vertical ID. Apparently, he’s quite the dancer. And allegedly, the Jumbo Slice workers in Adams Morgan have already made him his own tab.
That’s not to say Jack is wasting away his retired weekends boozing. Jack always drinks responsibly, like all Hoyas over 21 and also like the Dos Equis Man suggests. (He and Jack are friends, obviously.)
Jack also has fun staring at fountains, reflecting in the Jesuit fashion and contemplating whether to jump in said fountains. Sometimes — to Fr. Steck’s dismay — he even goes skinny dipping, only to streak around campus minutes later.
And you should see the way he’s been hitting the club scene throughout the District. He has his own personal table at Opera, and one worker there even commented that Jack “is constantly seen with models and other celebrities.” Basically, Jack lives life to the fullest. Rumor has it he’s even DJ-ing this week at the 9:30 Club.
Jack is getting older, but he just doesn’t seem to want to slow down. He has been described as having a diva personality and, as we all know, there is no stopping a diva.
According to one Hoya, “Jack really seems to be going crazy in retirement. Apparently he blew off a press event with the Butler bulldogs so he could go party with Drake.”
Some students question what wild situation Jack will get himself into next. Here at 4E, we can only guess. But one thing is for sure: Though his mascot career may have ended, there seems to be no end in sight for Jack’s rowdy retirement.