Other Things at Georgetown That Should Be Fired

We were beginning to think change was impossible. That was, of course, until it happened yesterday. Coach John Thompson III was not able to answer the question “Who Do You Know Here?” and was denied entrance at the door to another season at the helm of Georgetown basketball.

While the announcement was certainly shocking, if completely justified, it was more than just someone getting fired. This means that change is possible at Georgetown. Let’s ride the wave and get rid of the people at Georgetown responsible for other grave injustices:

  1. FIRE the person in charge of sending GUPD updates. What ever happened to the emails about drunk people waking up in the wrong bed and punching someone? Then there was the time when someone was kidnapped and we didn’t even hear about it. Change is needed.

    Pictured: current reputation of GUPD
  2. FIRE SNAPS. Do you have nothing better to do on a Friday night than break up a party that probably wasn’t good in the first place? Our tuition dollars are literally being spent to reduce the party scene.
  3. FIRE the architect of Lau. This is probably somewhat irrelevant, but just as a preventative measure, his or her professional license should be confiscated. Our skyline would have been so perfect if it weren’t for a building that is as soul-sucking as it looks.

    NO!
  4. FIRE the people who don’t pick up their omelets. All we can ask for at a Leo’s dining ~experience~ is to be lucky enough not to see a mouse and a timely produced omelet. Nobody likes long lines. Help make this a reality.
  5. FIRE the founder of Instructional Continuity. Who in John Carroll’s name ever signed off that this was a good idea? I dare the administration to put out a survey about students’ and teachers’ satisfaction around this perversion of the education system.
  6. FIRE professors that don’t round grades up. It’s not even about common courtesies; it’s about properly representing numbers. One rounds 8.6 to 9.0 so why isn’t an 86 an A-?
  7. FIRE Saxanet. If I lose my progress while working on something one mor..

Photos/Gifs: tumblr.com, giphy.com, memecrunch.com, Rachel Skaar/The Hoya

What Does Your Drunk Food Say About You?

After a night of drinking, we all crave that midnight, or rather, early morning snack. What does you go-to drunk munchie say about you? Let’s find out.

1. Pizza

Dog GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

You are a lazy, yet consistent, drunk eater. You attack a slice of street pizza head on, no knife or fork; just you and your cheesy mess. Or maybe you call your local pizza place for delivery. This place knows the sound of your voice and probably already has your order programmed. You think you’re friends with these guys, but don’t be fooled. Remember, Tony the Pizza Guy just wants your money, not your friendship.

2. Wrap/Sandwich/Burrito/Gyro

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You are a sophisticated drunk. You know where the OPEN late night food is and you guide all your friends to its deliciousness. You have also mastered the art of eating with both hands while intoxicated. Sometimes you may even advance to the next level: eating and walking while intoxicated.

3. Fries 

You’re a sharer. Maybe not by choice, but certainly by your order. When you ordered fries you agreed to the silent promise to allow everyone “just one fry.” Ordering fries comes with a lot of positives too. You often escape the feeding frenzy cleaner than you were before and probably with new friends!

4. Cereal 

You have either made the responsible decision to cut back on drunk food spending, cut back on your waistline, or your actually trying to go to bed before 1 AM. We all know that drunk food adds up in dollar signs, calories or an extra hour to your night out. Whether you’re saving money, avoiding greasy late night food or trying to get some shut eye, you’re taking the Drunk High Road. Congrats!

5. Healthy Food 

Get out! Healthy food doesn’t even count. Did you even go out? Or did you just have a glass of wine? Either way, you have enough wits and self-control to make yourself a healthy late night snack like carrots and hummus. Your friends may give you the stink eye when you decide to head home and eat an apple, instead of stumbling to that late night diner. However, you’re the real winner as you will probably wake up the next day with only a mild headache and a healthy stomach.

images/gifs: giphy.com 

What to Do After Getting Rejected from Piano Bar

After everyone’s favorite grimy bar got raided a few too many times and decided to be a whole lot pickier about who they let in, a lot of underage Georgetown students are left wondering – what next? Where else can I spend my Wednesday nights partying? Is there another spot I can flock to on a typical dead Georgetown Friday night? While no one has come up with a perfect solution yet, here are 4E’s 7 alternatives to Piano Bar.

  1. If you’re still looking to go out and have a good time, try Chi Di! What’s one rejection when you can have two in one night? Have you gotten a little too comfortable with your fake? Definitely give it a go despite multiple texts reporting cops surrounding the club.
  2. A rejection from Chi Di not enough to kill your party mood? The next move is a random club in downtown DC. You’re guaranteed to meet people almost twice your age, and if you wait in line long enough, you might even get to realize that Ultra is not nearly as large as they make it out to be. 
  3. However, if you’re a homebody and trying to stay near campus, why not try CVS on Wisconsin? I’m not kidding; this place is a goldmine. They have everything from snacks, to makeup, to Donald Trump shot glasses!
  4. Why not make it an early night at Epi? Sometimes Epi is more lit than the party (or in this case, Piano) itself. You’re guaranteed to see at least one person you know (and you know you wanted that quesadilla more than you wanted to be sweating it out on the dirty dance floor of Piano anyway).
  5. If you’re the typical Georgetown student who likes to talk about how much work they have, but never actually does it, why not spend the extra time studying? I hear (but don’t know from personal experience) Lau is open 24 hours a day. You can probably get some quality work done, considering your of age peers will be enjoying the bar you couldn’t get into. 
  6. Go to bed. Literally every single time I ask someone how they’re doing, they say tired. Instead of taking laps around Piano and waiting for the bartender to notice you until 2 AM, why not get some quality sleep in? Maybe the next day you won’t have to ban your roommate from drying her hair so that you can nap (sorry, Chiara!). 
  7. Stay in! Why risk it? It’s much safer to be caught partying by your RA than by the police. Grab some friends and have a good old sleepover filled with rounds of “Never Have I Ever” and “Truth or Dare.” I promise you’ll learn more about them that way than shouting over Piano’s sometimes cringey, sometimes decent music. These are just a few ideas for what you can do after being rejected from Piano, but feel free to explore other alternatives. Whatever you decide, 4E hopes you stay safe out there in this newly dangerous Georgetown bubble.

Gifs: giphy.com

YouTube Hits of the 2000s

Feeling nostalgic on this snowy D.C. day? If you’re curled up on your couch with a steaming cup of cocoa like me, I suggest you revisit remnants of warmer, happier days. These YouTube videos were all the rage back in the 2000s, and I’m sure they’ll bring out your best middle school self in no time.

Potter Puppet Pals: The Mysterious Ticking Noise

“DUMBLEDORE!”

Charlie the Unicorn

Candy Mountain. ‘Nuff said.

Muffins

This dude is super creepy, am I right? “Blood muffins.” Ok. I wonder what he’s up to now.

How to trick people into thinking you’re good looking

This is Jenna Marbles at her absolute prime. I revisit this video every few months just for a giggle.

The Gummy Bear Song – Long English Version

As of March 14, 2017, this video has 931,812,066 views on YouTube.

The Duck Song

“Hey. Got any grapes?”

David After Dentist

“Is this real life?” Yes, David, it is. And you’re a star!

Zombie Kid Likes Turtles

Personal hero.

Videos: YouTube.com

Judging You, Judging Your Laptop Stickers

Remember decorating lockers in middle school? Laptop stickers are the college version of this timeless activity.  But now, instead of decorating a metal cubby that you once saw in a photo from 1973 , you’re decorating an expensive computer that you’ll rely on for at least 4 years. What do your stickers (or things that you thought would make you seem cool, let’s be real) say about you?

But first, the basics:

  • No stickers? Congrats, you’re a full-blown adult. We’re all proud. Stop reading this and go back to The Wall Street Journal.
  • Stickers on a laptop case? Just like me with my constantly changing major, you’re unwilling to commit.
  • Stickers on the laptop? Bold. Determined. Committed to your ideals. Really sorry, but you might not be the next President after all.

The stickers themselves:

  • Hamilton-related: Yep, you’re part of the problem. Good job, liberal elite.
  • GoPro: How was your last ski vacation? I’m sure that you looked super cool with that camera on your helmet. Can I see the video? Was there a soundtrack?
  • H*yas for Choice: We’re all fans. But are you really in the club? Thinking that the answer is no.
  • Anything “The Office”-related: Congrats on loving such an obscure show!

  • GUAFSCU/GUSIF: You’re impressive. I understand. You crushed that application and business professional attire.
  • “Oh, Kale Yeah!”: Are you vegan? LMK. @vegans_at_leos.
  • Hillary Clinton campaign: Leave that one up until it fades to nothing, please.
  • Patagonia, or a variation on their logo:  Thank you for supporting this grassroots company, you’re really helping them get off the ground and make a difference in society. Also, it’s super cool that the logo was modified to fit the mountain that you visited recently, how unique!
  • Hometown sticker: Home is where the heart is! Which right now, realistically, is in your laptop, so this fits!

Photos/gifs: giphy.com, flickr.com

15 Extreme Things to Give Up This Lent

Lent is here and you know what that means: the classic forfeit of chocolate, the avoidance of french fries and the (unpromising) theory of exercising more often.

Chalk it up to one word? Boring!

Instead of the old, dull suggestions of the past, why not try some innovative ideas that call for real sacrifice? Here are some of our proposals:

1. Give up peeling bananas.

Sound hard to you? Exactly. How are you going to open it? A friend? A knife? Are you going to avoid bananas the entire Lenten season? Let us know.

2. Give up smiling awkwardly at people you sort-of know when you walk past them.

I know it’s hard, but that’s the point of Lent. Keep a straight face, avoid eye contact or run away! Whatever is easiest, really.

3. Give up opening your mouth when you laugh.

      Chuckle softly, or not at all!

4. Give up wearing socks.

Whether you opt for sandals or challenge yourself with sneakers, this will definitely keep you on your toes. (Get it?!)

5. Give up eye contact altogether. 

      Shyly bat your lashes toward the ground to let people know you’re avoiding eye contact. They should catch on pretty quickly!

6. Give up all candy flavors except for grape. 

    Relish in the incredibly medicine-like taste of grape, a feeling you won’t know you can stand until you are forced to.

7. Give up sleep between the hours of 3:15a.m. and 4:45a.m.

    Set an alarm and keep your body constantly alert to change!

8. Give up contacts, glasses or any other aids to your vision. 

    Whether you’re mildly impaired or actually blind, this is a challenge to not only you but the people around you!

9. Give up the use of your hands. 

      Pick up items with the strength of your toes if you have dropped something. Otherwise, kindly ask an acquaintance to do literally everything for you!

10. Give up Piano Bar. 

      Hmm…too soon?

11. Give up stopping for pedestrians.

      Got a car? Make a point! Though dangerous, this Lenten promise will really challenge you!

12. Give up the letter “E.”

    Paprs, -mails, and prtty much any tchnological communication may b slightly mor difficult, but if you put your mind to it, you can do anything!

13. Give up the temperatures between 70 and 78 degrees. 

    Often the comfortable temperatures for a generally cold person, give up familiarity and either shiver or sweat yourself to sleep!

14. Give up opening doors.

    Trying to get out of your classroom? Let someone else help you out. Trying to get into a car? Just let that Uber driver know you need his assistance. How about a way out of your dorm room? Kick it down like Jack Bauer or loudly cry until a concerned neighbor comes to your aid.

15. Give up turning left. 

Live on the wild side and avoiding turning left at all costs. It’ll hurt your brain and annoy your friends, but it’s sure to keep you occupied during Lent!

Gifs: giphy.com

How to Prepare for Spring Break

Spring! Break! Spring! Break!

Maybe you love Georgetown more than life itself. Is your phone background a super original picture of Healy Hall? Did you finally learn the words to the fight song and now find too many opportunities to ask your friends what time it is? Has a majority of your wardrobe been purchased at the bookstore? Have you Instagram-ed a pic with the caption “37th and hOme”? Regardless of how much you bleed blue and gray, 4E bets you’re feeling a bit overdue for a break from the Hilltop.

Whether your plans for break include getting as burnt tan as possible, exercising those #JesuitValues and going on a service trip, or spending seven days straight in a bed that isn’t lofted and approximately three feet wide, here are some tips for how to prepare for the (hopefully not too wild) week ahead:

1. Email the professors who seem to have forgotten that Georgetown gives its students a spring break.

Pull up that angry email draft that you (hopefully don’t) have lying around waiting for your professor who plans on giving a midterm the Tuesday after spring break. While writing haikus about photosynthesis is DEFINITELY more important than providing medical services in Honduras, hopefully your professor will make an exception to extent the deadline just this once.

2. Make that last pilgrimage to Leo’s.

Realizing that you will be away from your beloved Leo O’Donovan’s for an entire week is almost making you have second thoughts about heading to Cancun with your girlfriends. Use all of your meal swipes this week to mitigate the understandable Leo’s separation anxiety that you’re having. Money not spent at Tombs this week is money spent on refreshing beverages (read: lemonade) next week.

3. Power Pose to bring your confidence to full beam!

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You haven’t been following a “nothing but cucumbers” diet? Leo’s vegan brownies are too good to pass up? You live in close proximity to ~8,000 other people and want to spare the Georgetown community from your hangry wrath? Spring break dieting (and dieting in general) is dumb? 4E is in FULL support of this line of thought. Some reminders: bikini + body = bikini body, beauty is within and your worth is wholly dependent on whether or not you have been featured on @hoyas_eatin_naners.

4. Wrangle all of your favorite, polyester triangles (triangls?)!

Will you actually be swimming? Are your spring break outfits Mom ApprovedTM? Maybe … not. Regardless, be sure to throw more sunscreen than you think you need into your suitcase along with that tangle of swimwear.

5. Packing is a skill that, as a college student, you must master.

If your travels are taking you to that underrated place called home, don’t forget to stuff your winter coat, sweaters and Bean Boots into that suitcase. With this incredible 75 degree weather that we’re having (in February), you shouldn’t be needing them anytime soon. Also, you do not want to have to navigate through the Reagan security line in May wearing the five layers of clothing that wouldn’t fit into your suitcases.

Enjoy your well-deserved break! Have fun, make good decisions, and don’t make those Instagram captions too cheesy.

We’ll see ya in a week, John Carroll!

Images: giphy.com

125 Substitutes for Season Tickets

New year, new team? Maybe not, but we can only hope for the best when it comes to our men’s basketball team. The team has had a long road. From winning to NCAA championship in 1984 to not even making the tournament in recent years (yet still beating ‘Cuse #score), it’s safe to say that it’s been quite a ride.

Through all these ups and downs, the student section has always had a decent, if not excellent, turnout compared to other schools. Although we showed signs of life in a few games, the loss to ProvidenceVanillaNoFunSetonHallDePaulNeedISayMore crushed many fans’ confidence in the team. Let’s just say that there are definitely a lot of students who are, ah, dissatisfied with the performance this year.

Now, I love basketball as much as the next guy. I genuinely enjoy going to the Verizon Center for games, even if the team loses. However, it’s no secret that many students are reconsidering buying season tickets next year. It’s depressing, but what can you do? $125 is a lot to spend on game tickets when you don’t even enjoy going.

Saving money, something which I always applaud, for other activities is important. Fortunately for you, I collaborated with Senior Blog Editor Ally Puccio to create some creative uses for this newfound cash. Here are just a few different ways to spend $125 next year (if you’ve given up on our team).

    1. 40 PBRs at Rocket Bar, located just across the street from the Verizon Center.
    2. 35 Uncle Sams from MUG, located in the ICC. Best Corp coffee shop, best drink.
    3. Depending on your liquor store of choice (RIP Dixie), $125 can buy you anywhere from seven to 11 handles of Burnett’s. See previous posts for guidance in that area. Or don’t, and just buy the wrong flavors. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
    4. Around 12 Sweetgreen salads.
    5. Probably around eight to 10 meals at Chipotle.
    6. Seven or so meals at Mai Thai. Personally, I’m a fan of Panang Curry, which is almost the same price.
    7. 35 loads of laundry. God knows we all need extra money there since prices continue to rise.
    8. Around 10 cases of Natty Lite. NOW we’re talking.
    9. An aquarium’s worth of goldfish.
    10. Brunch! You don’t have to spend all $125 on one meal, but it’s certainly an option if you like to ~treat yourself.~ Try Mr. Smith’s for a good time, or Boqueria if you want higher quality food.
    11. A fake ID…?
    12. Put it toward spring break.
    13. Or, you could just go home for a weekend with that money.
    14. 12 Long Island iced teas at Piano (assuming you can get in these days).
    15. If you can’t get in, use the money to bribe the bouncer!
    16. Or you could bribe your accounting teacher. Accounting is really, really hard (or so they say).
    17. 25 Captain Morgan drinks on a Friday night at Tombs (I know this because I work there).
    18. 40 bourbon drinks on a Monday night at Tombs.
    19. 12 pitchers of beer at Booey’s.
    20. 12 orders of mozzarella sticks, delivered by Tapingo from Wingos. Definitely recommend.
    21. Probably a dozen shot glasses. Boost that collection.
    22. 3 Swell water bottles (just in case you lose one).
    23. 20 orders of chicken fingers from Quick Pita. Oh wait…
    24. $125 is about two years worth of Spotify Premium.
    25. If you still have a flip phone, you could buy an iPod.
    26. On that note, it’s probably around 125 songs on iTunes.
    27. All those fundraisers at Chi Di cost either $5 or $10, so you get drink specials anywhere from 12 to 25 nights at Chi Di.
    28. The cover charge at Decades is something like $10, so you can go for 12 nights.
    29. Go to a strip club!
    30. Dinner at 1789. Just once though. Not including tip.
    31. Tickets to see The Chainsmokers!
    32. Buy “Closer” 125 times on iTunes.
    33. A new TV.
    34. A lot of condoms (unless you support H*yas for Choice #free)
    35.  Gamble! Lose that $125 in a new way!
    36. Several loaves of plain white bread.
    37. Semester passes at Yates. Get fit!
    38. A table on Lau 2 during finals. Finding one is similar to The Hunger Games.
    39. Pay for a friend’s or your own parking ticket.
    40. It might even cover half a used textbook!
    41. Mold remover.
    42. Mouse traps (now we’re just listing the essentials for Georgetown housing).
    43. Blood samples.
    44. Drugs.
    45. Bleach (to drink while watching the game).
    46. 75 percent of a GoPro.
    47. This Antique Victorian Fainting Couch on Craiglist.
    48. Probably a cat.
    49. Give it to a homeless person and make someone’s day.
    50. Cash out the $125 in singles and just throw your money in the air.
    51. Disco ball.
    52. Donate it to cancer research.
    53. Find a GoFundMe page and help someone rebuild their house after a fire.
    54. One month of yoga at CorePower.
    55. 125 vanilla cones at McDonalds.
    56. Get a new funky haircut. Then get another one. And another one.
    57. Get a Yeezy T-shirt.
    58. One LeBron sneaker. But not both. Just one.
    59. Teeth whitening strips, plus a new toothbrush, toothpaste and veneers.
    60. Five bikini waxes at Polished on Wisconsin.
    61. One Amazon Tap.
    62. 25 jars of Nutella.
    63. Five wine and painting Groupons at Uncork’d Art in Adams Morgan.
    64. You can buy Instagram followers if you’re that desperate.
    65. Two N*Sync bobblehead sets on eBay.
    66. One ticket to a Broadway show.
    67. Go on a date to Outback Steakhouse and get two Bloomin’ Onions.
    68. Four Soul Cycle classes (yikes).
    69. Probably could score some recreationally legal-in-the-District-of-Columbia drugs.
    70. Did you know people are giving away hot tubs for free on Craigslist?
    71. Are there any fortune tellers in Georgetown?
    72. Oh, you could probably get a small tattoo!
    73. Or a piercing! Get wild. College, baby.
    74. Pay your bills on time this month.
    75. Buy a friend a gift!
    76. Have a field day at Trader Joe’s.
    77. Invest in Baked & Wired.
    78. Treat yourself to a Georgetown Cupcake 35 days in a row.
    79. Jump in the Potomac just for fun, and then pay your ambulance bill afterwards!
    80. Get a massage. We need to treat outrselves here. Way too stressed out.
    81. Pay a private investigator to follow around that one sketchy friend we all have for an hour.
    82. Get a tent, and then pitch it on Healy Lawn.
    83. 31 months of The New York Times at the student subscription price.
    84. Invest in cloning research to replicate Jack the Bulldog.
    85. Bribe a member of the Jack Crew into letting you in the exclusive circle.
    86. Crock Pots are pretty cool. I bet they don’t cost $125.
    87. I don’t want you to buy Crocs with your newfound $125, but who am I to judge?
    88. If you leave Friday, you can pay for half of a one-way ticket to Vancouver.
    89. Four ice-skating lessons at The National Gallery of Art.
    90. How much do you think those Big Bus Tours of D.C. are?
    91. I’d like to play some competitive bingo somewhere.
    92. You can buy 10 packages of 12 wine tastings each at Great Barrell Oaks in Virginia.
    93. Doesn’t a wig party sound really fun? You could buy six wigs on Amazon.
    94. I’d really like to learn how to salsa dance. Wouldn’t you, Charlie?
    95. Forget salsa dancing, take hip-hop lessons. Or breakdancing lessons.
    96. Pub crawl through the District.
    97. Escape The Room.
    98. 25 of the 99 Days at Tombs.
    99. A classy party accessory. Shot roulette wheel, beer pong table, etc.
    100.    Probably 100 Wisey’s cookies
    101.   Buy a nice keg! Or, be cheap and buy two low-quality kegs!
    102.    Maybe even TWO açai bowls at Hilltoss. They’re expensive.
    103.    Have an arch nemesis? Hire a hitman. Boom.
    104.    On that note, maybe you could also hire a bodyguard for a day?
    105.    A ukulele.
    106.    Upgrade to Tinder PLUS.
    107.    A used surfboard.
    108.    Two years of Amazon Prime Student.
    109.    Rush a fraternity/sorority and pay your dues.
    110.   An Amazon Kindle.
    111.   Become a sugar daddy/mommy for a day.
    112.   Firewood.
    113.   A silverware set.
    114.   40 gallons of milk.
    115.   Skis or a snowboard.
    116.   Six Uber rides to Union Station.
    117.   A copy of the Declaration of Independence.
    118.   A dope Halloween costume.
    119.   Posters for your room.
    120.    Go skydiving.
    121.   A date with someone in 4E (jk, we’re priceless).
    122.    Just donate the money to us, we’ll take it!
    123.    Six trips to Pinstripes.
    124.    Season tickets for WOMEN’S Basketball #feminism.
    125.     Literally anything else.

The point is, friends, you can do so much with $125 that you shouldn’t feel obligated to attend basketball games that make you feel depressed. We’ll see how things look next year but in the meantime, Hoya Saxa! And, more importantly, #BEATNOVA(?)!

Photos/gifs: giphy.com, gettyimages.com

Five Unbelievable Kitchen Appliances

It is time to step up your game (your kitchen game, that is). The microwave is no longer the cool kid on the block and it’s time to invest in some unbelievable gadgets that will let you eat like the queen that you are.

1. Pineapple Slicer

Pineapples are definitely the cheapest and most underrated fruits of the century. Unfortunately, with the excessive amount of time you need to actually carve one, it is no wonder why college students don’t eat more pineapples. But, this awesome slicer literally takes all of the difficulties out of getting to the meat of the fruit. Next time when you’re checking out that one friend’s travel post, you can feel a little more tropical by feeding yourself some spiraled pineapple slices.

2. I Could Eat a Horse

Unless you’re a mathematician or a magician, I don’t see how you can possibly estimate how much pasta to make. I always make too little and end up eating snacks because boiling water twice is too much hassle. Well, take the math away and use this measurer which bases the amount on whether you’re hungry enough to eat a horse or not. The answer is always yes.

3. Giant Vegetable Pencil Sharpener

You are straight up lying if you tell me you don’t want one of these to ease the laborious activity of actually peeling vegetables. Plus, you can make decorative shavings to add onto your own salads and skip the overpriced ones at Sweetgreen.

4. One Click Butter Dispenser

I love butter. I can eat a tube in three days. As a self-proclaimed butter lover, it is really a big pain when you have to cut slices for yourself and the wrapping is already greasy from the last time you used it. It’s also hard to resist the urge to eat the whole tube. Why not use this dispenser and take the hassle away from buttering up your life?

5. Cinnibird Pen

We’ve all seen the cheesy latte art photos on Instagram and rolled our eyes at it, secretly wondering how we can gain this amazing skill. Well, wonder no more. The Cinnibird allows you to use cinnamon and other spices to draw on your lattes. No more $20 cushy coffees just for the photo op.

Sources: giphy.com, amazon.com, brit.co, oliarts.com, pcrichard.com

Make Sightseeing Great Again

In these tumultuous times, the District may seem like a less attractive tourist destination. However, if you properly ignore a certain orange presence, you’re sure to enjoy checking out America’s most treasured monuments and museums, which, believe it or not, are still standing after the election!

So, if you’re disheartened and still a little confused by the events of November 8th, 2016 and you have friends coming in from out of town or you’re just looking for a cool museum to explore by yourself (#foreveralone), 4E’s got you covered!

The Gear

The most important aspect of being a D.C. tourist is looking the part. Sure, you go to Georgetown, but you shouldn’t walk into the National Gallery of Art wearing Vineyard Vines if you want to be a real D.C. expert. That’s why 4E recommends purchasing a classy American flag fanny pack for your trips into the center of our nation’s capital. Aside from being stylish, a fanny pack such as the Freedom Fanny Pack with Six-Pack Drink Holder Extension is a convenient option for storing beverages for yourself and whoever’s crazy enough to walk around with you. The fanny pack can be accompanied by American flag leggings or a pet bald eagle.*

*Note: Bald eagles cannot be legally kept as pets in the United States. 4E is in no way encouraging readers to attempt to domesticate bald eagles and thus holds no responsibility for bald eagle attacks. But also, you do you.

The Top 5 Tourist Stops

Washington Monument

The Washington Monument is a 555-foot obelisk built to honor George Washington. Construction of the monument was completed in 1888 and it is to this day the tallest structure in D.C.

Unfortunately, the National Park Service is currently working on the monument’s elevator so the obelisk’s famous viewing deck is currently closed to the public. As the National Park Service is at this moment engaged in a Twitter war with our commander in chief (you just can’t make this stuff up), it seems extremely unlikely that the monument will be open to visitors before its expected completion date of 2019. On the other hand, the Trump presidency’s expected completion date is 2020. We are very much hoping this is a liberal estimate.

National Gallery of Art

Before the National Endowment for the Arts is defunded by our president, it’s worth taking a trip to the National Gallery of Art where you can impress friends and family by pretending to know about art history. Was Picasso the one that cut his ear off? Was Joan Miró a man or a woman? What kind of horrible parents name their child Rembrandt Harmenszoon van Rijn? Don’t worry! Just pull a Kellyanne Conway by making some stuff up and laughing it off if anyone questions you. If you’re really stuck, just yell “alternative fact!” until people forget whatever ridiculous thing you said in the first place.

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

Just don’t.

This used to be an historic monument but it’s currently being desecrated by an oversized cheeto and his friends.

Even once he’s gone, visiting will be a bit like going into a bathroom stall when someone just came out and said “Hey, I wasn’t feeling so good so you might wanna wait a while before you go in there.”

Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. (Unless you’re a Russian hacker, in which case, pat yourself on the back and go collect your pay before he sues you).

Supreme Court

If you’re a bad hombre or a nasty woman, this stop will be one of your favorites!

Hidden behind the Capitol Building, the Supreme Court is where our country’s most significant judicial decisions are made by nine justices. Well, most of the time it’s nine. It’s kind of complicated at the moment. We won’t get into it. (Love you @merrickgarland)

More importantly, the Supreme Court is the workplace of America’s favorite grandma and 4E’s biggest fan, Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

National Air and Space Museum

For those days when you’ve gotten seven CNN News Alerts about Trump’s executive orders, tweets and absurdly long neckties, and you just feel like you can’t handle living on Earth any longer, put your phone on silent and take a break at the National Air and Space Museum!

This museum has on display the Wright brothers’ plane, the Friendship 7 capsule that John Glenn flew as the first American to orbit Earth and even the Apollo 11 module that was responsible for the moon landing. If you consider the moon landing to be fake news, feel free to skip that part.

If these exhibits still seem a little too close to all our planet’s insanity for your liking, the museum even has an IMAX movie about future travel to Mars. We know moving to Canada seems like a drastic option — after all, even though they have an awesome (*cough cough hot cough cough*) prime minister, Canadians eat snow off the street and apologize for everything. That’s why we recommend exploring the Mars One website (www.mars-one.com) which will tell you all you need to know about being a Mars colonist. You might want to upgrade your fanny pack for that trip though.

Sources: giphy.com, twitter.com, tumblr.com