The New Year’s Resolutions You Won’t Keep

It is that time of the year again. A time of new beginnings, new memories, new laughs, and, most importantly, new resolutions. With each new year comes a new set of promises we Hoyas make to ourselves to make this coming year even better than the last. The thing is, however, we know we probably will not keep them. Here are some New Year’s resolutions you probably made to yourself that you know won’t make it to 2018.

I am going to eat healthy and go to Yates every day.

You get home for Christmas break and weigh yourself for the first time since August. You subsequently endure the 5 Stages of Grief. You promise yourself to live a ~healthy lifestyle~ in the spring semester. Three weeks into January you find yourself sitting in front of a plate of chicken fingers on a Thursday with no recollection of the last time you made it to the gym but also with no ragrets.

“Ohana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind.”

I will not drink Natty Lite or Burnett’s. 

After spending some time at home and drinking some classy wine and craft beer with your family (if you are 21 of course) you decide you are just too good for Natty and Burnett’s. I mean, what are you, a peasant? But, when you return to the Hilltop and take a look at the balance in your bank account you remember that you are indeed a peasant and quickly return to everyone’s drink of choice–whatever is cheapest.

I will do the readings for all my classes.

You coasted through the fall semester without doing the majority of the readings for the majority of your classes convinced you were gonna ace the class only to find a not so pleasant surprise on your final grade report. You think, “I probably should have done all those readings,” and you promise yourself this semester will be different. That is until you have to read 300 pages for tomorrow and its 11 pm all you have accomplished is taking one buzzed quick to find out what character from The Office you are based on your zodiac sign.

I am going to spend less money. 

Last semester you spent a little more than you should have, but this semester that is going to change. Who needs to eat out when you have Leo’s? Who needs to Uber when you can walk? Who needs Corona when you can have Natty? Oh wait…you do.

In all honesty, 4E wishes you all the best with your New Year’s resolutions. Lord knows we all need it.

Photos/gifs: giphy.com

Holidays and Hurling: A Guide to Your Hangovers

HangoverIt’s safe to say that the last month has been a whirlwind. The end of Thanksgiving break, all those formals, finals, finally coming home all in the holiday season, Christmas and New Year’s Eve has been a lot to handle. Amidst all the chaos, however, you probably still had time to go out and have fun with your friends. One or two nights (or maybe even all of them, if you’re ambitious) between that first study day and your first final probably looked something like this:You probably had an unbelievable night dressed as some holiday-related getup and posted the most basic picture of all time on Instagram. Meanwhile, you might have woken up the morning after and looked something like this:The mad rush to finish the fall semester ~with a bang~ included formals, sweaty Henle parties, trips to Chi Di, trips to Piano Bar (after getting rejected by Chi Di) and just relaxing evenings at Booey’s with friends. Most, if not all, of these experiences had you feeling down in the dumps the next morning or even later that night.

However, the holiday season has taught us at 4E that not all hangovers are the same. Maybe you woke up with just a slight headache one morning, but then the next morning you woke up feeling like death and slightly sick from all the Quick Pita food you had at 3 AM. So while 4E once told you how to survive those day-afters, I have composed a guide to classify what type of hangover you might be feeling as part of the Sunday Scaries.

  1. The Classic Beer Hangover– You wake up with nothing more than a pounding headache and the warm, delightful taste of Natty Light (read: you also smell like this, which makes you feel slightly queasy). This type of hangover probably came from a trip to Booey’s or the aforementioned sweaty Henle party. You’ll typically experience this throughout your time at Georgetown. The positive side of this experience? An easy remedy is to pop a few Advil and head to Leo’s.
  2. Death by Burnett’s– The other side to a typical party: a handle of some flavor of Burnett’s being passed around. Although you know this never ends well, you decide to go with the flow and deal with the consequences later. You wake up feeling ill. You feel sick and achy, but you manage to get up, clean yourself up, and then head out for the day. If you head to Leo’s brunch, this hangover is sure to be a thing of the past.
  3. The Aftereffects of Various Alcohols– The pregame started at 10 and you lasted until 2 AM. You had it all: beer, Burnett’s, some sort of juice and a sip of water at Epi (because that helps with the hangover, right?). Rumor has it there were even a few ~special~ ingredients in the jungle juice you had at that Vil B. Combining the aspects of the last two hangovers, your hangover makes you feel like death. Even after a shower, Advil and eating  the best of Leo’s brunch leaves you feeling hollow and just not your best. Unfortunately, the only way to get through this is to wait it out; by the end of the day, you’ll feel well enough to go out again and repeat the process.
  4. Post-Blackout-Mortem– Similar to the previous topic, you drank a hodgepodge of everything. You went from apartment to apartment to bar to bar, and made the most of every stop. Although you can only remember so much of it, you know you drank a lot since you wake up in the same clothes with some sort of orange liquid staining the front of said clothes. Is it a drink from last night or…? You don’t want to know, and you probably won’t find out unless your friend shows you the pictures that you wish didn’t exist. In the meantime, you focus on getting out of bed, because you can only think about one thing right now and even that takes every ounce of strength. Let’s just say that brushing your teeth, which is supposed to feel good, turns into a nightmare.
  5. Continuing Drunkenness– You wake up NOT HUNGOVER and feel like you’re on top of the world. You congratulate yourself on a job well done and figure what you can do next time to repeat the experience. As you begin to ponder this, however, your head starts to slightly throb until it feels like you’re being repeatedly thrown down the Lau steps. You start to feel sick and realize that your hangover is starting later than expected. Why? Because you were still drunk when you woke up. Although this may seem concerning, have no fear! Your options include accepting defeat or you could just keep it going! Either way you’re going to have a rough day. Nevertheless, you push forward.
  6. …Not Hungover?– Against all odds, you wake up truly not hungover and go about your day per usual. Either you didn’t drink that much or it’s just your lucky day. Although this is rare, it does happen. If it happens to you, congratulations! You can only go downhill from here.

So readers, take this as a guide for when you’re feeling under the weather on those Saturday/Sunday mornings of 2017. Happy New Year and, most importantly, stay responsible!

Photos/gifs: giphy.com, viralchakra.com

4E’s Guide on How NOT to Repeat 2016

20162016 was one for the books…well a book we’d like to close, throw in the fire and watch burn. Yeah, 2016 may not have been the best but luckily, with the New Year, 4E is looking at the glass half full. We may have lost Harambe, our Democratic credibility as a nation and as of late, our beloved Princess Leia, but it’s time we put all of that in the past and concentrate on a better future. So, 4E has put together a quick guide on how to make 2017 a great year…and make sure 2016 will never be repeated.

Avoid anything having to do with the Kardashians.
Yes, I understand that the cover photo of this article stars Kim K, but can we just take a minute to discuss why the Kardashians should remain in 2016. Kim K was tied up by robbers in Paris, Kanye had a mental breakdown and then, met with President-elect Trump (I had so many questions but no answers) and Kylie’s lips only got bigger. Don’t even get me started on Blac Chyna and Rob. The Kardashian curse is a thing for a reason people!

The answer is no.
The answer is no.

Become more skeptical.
I am specifically addressing the recent hype and quick disappoint of the iPhone 7 release. I know Apple is always trying to be ahead of the curve, but Steve Jobs has to be rolling in his grave. Where did my headphone jack go and more importantly, where are these “AirPods” you have been promising? Apple, we were not and are still not ready for this, so with that, 4E advises you to become more skeptical when it comes to hype.

Spend less time on social media.
2016 seemed to be the biggest year for social media yet! While we may have stepped up our meme game, we also spent wayyyyy too much time scrolling through our Snapchats, Instas, Facebooks and Twitters. The whole thing can get quite exhausting. I also can’t handle one more Harambe post, it just hits too close to the heart.

Stop dabbing.
This 2016 ritual should stay in 2016. I’m not usually superstitious, but I believe that the whole dabbing thing brings some bad mojo. So, please…let’s just not.

While this past year has been getting many negative reviews, it is important that we remember all of the wonderful things 2016 has given us. 2016 gave us more Netflix hits (Stranger Things!), more memes and more Pokémon. But let’s be real, we are so happy it’s over!
Happy 2017 Hoyas!

Images: giphy.com, buzzfeed.com

How Donald Trump Stole the Election

Trump RevisedIt’s that time of year again, the time when “All I Want for Christmas is You” is all we hear playing across the nation. It’s also that time when all the old-time films of our childhood, such as Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Elf, come back on ABC Family Freeform. Let’s just say it’s the most wonderful time of the year.

However, this holiday season is a bit different due to the shock that electrified the nation on November 8: Donald Trump, against all odds, won the presidency. Some Americans even refused to believe the media when the news broke.
Nevertheless, it was true: Trump turned out to be our future president. There are many reasons that explain why Trump became president, namely that many Americans refused to admit to their preferred candidate.

However, just as there were whispers of Hillary burning ballots, 4E brings you a new conspiracy theory: Donald Trump conspired to steal the election. In the holiday spirit, I will compare Trump’s campaign to Dr. Seuss’s beloved holiday story How the Grinch Stole Christmas to show how Trump accomplished this unprecedented feat.“Every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot, but the Grinch, who lived just north of Whoville, did not!” Prior to this election, many (but definitely not all) Americans were content with society. However, Donald Trump was apparently NOT. Just as the Grinch sat on the top of Mt. Crumpit, brooding about Christmas, Trump sat at the top of Trump Tower, lamenting the situation of our country. But soon, he realized not all was lost.Trump got the idea to steal the election and ~Make America Great Again!~ Was it because his heart was three sizes too small? Biologically speaking this is humanly impossible. On the other hand, people once said it was impossible for Trump to win…Regardless of your politics, it’s clear that this election taught us that anything can happen. So, Donald set off on a quest to steal the election. Just as the Grinch donned his Santa suit and helped Max to be his reindeer, Donald did his hair and employed Melania, Ivanka and others to help him sweep the carpet out from under Hillary’s feet. As he raced ~down the slope~ toward Election Day, Trump had a wild time of campaigning in critical areas and also bullying other candidates (Read: @JebBush, @nastywoman). Just as the Grinch made himself out to be Santa, Donald made himself out to be the one who would save our country from corruption. Interestingly, Melania also made herself out to be quite a public speaker, but we all know where that came from.For the Grinch, Christmas Eve was the day of reckoning. Would his plan work? He proceeded to sweep all the decorations and food from the Whos’ houses and sneak out. Similarly, Trump swept through key states such as Florida, Wisconsin and Pennsylvania as Election Day progressed. However, as he continued to run away with the election, he encountered his version of Cindy Lou Who: Hillary herself. Just as all Cindy Lou wanted was presents, all Hillary wanted was to be president (but like really badly).She probably didn’t personally ask Trump why he was stealing her election, but she also didn’t have to; it was all part of Trump’s scheme to make this country great again. Soon enough, he was racing back up the electoral scale until the vote was finally over. Just as the Grinch triumphantly reached the top of Mt. Crumpit, Trump emerged from the election victorious at around 2 AM the next morning. And just as Trump heard Hillary’s supporters still pledging allegiance to her, the Grinch heard the Whos’ singing voices the next day.As we all know, the Grinch’s heart grew three sizes that day. Did Donald’s do the same? Maybe, considering he has called for unity among Americans. On the other hand, has he joined hands with Americans and sung Christmas carols? Evidently not, because the media would already have had a field day. On that note, let me leave you with one sobering thought: due to the similarities between these two stories, is it possible that Dr. Seuss actually wrote How the Grinch Stole Christmas in order to predict Trump’s election? Who knows, but like I said, anything is possible.

Photos/gifs: giphy.com, images.google.com

Secret Santa on a Budget

secret santaHappy Holidays Hoyas!!! Amid studying for your final exams and attempting the impossible task of assembling the perfect course schedule for next semester, you are dead set on getting in the holiday spirit. Your (ugly) Christmas sweaters have made their appearance in your wardrobe, a fake Christmas tree has been erected in your room, peppermint flavored beverages (like hot cocoa) have been purchased and you and your friends are having a Secret Santa gift exchange!

With Corp Gala tickets, other Christmas shopping, impending textbook purchases and the general lack of monetary funds that accompanies being in college, 4E knows that purchasing a reindeer may not be in the cards for you this year. Fear not! Here are some tips for being the best secret Santa, on a budget.

Christmas socks

Is your dorm room heating system not quite working properly? Want to take your socks and sandals game to the next level? Gifting festive holiday socks is a foolproof way to make sure that your friends are broadcasting their holiday spirit properly, thus fulfilling your Secret Santa obligations. These footwear essentials don’t need to be personally hand knit or made of Tibetan llama wool. Your Secret Santa buddy has surely lost a fair share of socks in the laundry room this semester and will gladly welcome any red and green additions to their collection.

Homemade cookies

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Take over the common room kitchen and bake some holiday cookies! Whip out frosting, sprinkles, cookie cutters, icing, edible pearls — whatever you need to make your best edible Christmas trees, Santa Clauses, and dreidels. Bonus points for cleaning common room kitchen as a gift to all of your floor mates (who may or may not have embellished their organizational tendencies on CHARMS).

A Personal Christmas Carol Serenade

Ambush this person in a public place. 4E recommends Leo’s, Red Square or one of the quiet floors of Lau; serenade them with a lovely rendition of all of your favorite Christmas carols. Bonus points for a personal interpretation of the Mean Girls “Jingle Bell Rock” performance.

Other Pro Tips

Dress up like Santa and deliver your gift via chimney to make this experience as realistic and meaningful as possible for your Secret Santa buddy. No worries if your Secret Santa buddy’s dorm room doesn’t have a fireplace; the fireplaces in HSFC were surely designed with Christmas eve present delivery reenactments in mind. Is it really Secret Santa if there are no Santa costumes involved? 4E doesn’t think so either and expects you to act accordingly.

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Gifs: giphy.com

How To Throw A Holiday Party As Told By Michael Scott

how to throw a holiday party

It’s that time of year again. A time when you need to choose between spending more time perfecting that final paper or perfecting that hilarious Secret Santa gift. While it may be difficult to manage it all, 4E is here to help you make this season a bit less stressful. Here are five tips on how you can throw the perfect Christmas/Holiday party. Oh, and we got a little help from our old friend, Michael Scott.

  1. Give your holiday party a theme.

    It’s Santa Bond.
  2. Decorate. Decorate. Decorate. 
  3. Get the proper libations (if you’re 21 of course) or drinks to get the party started. 
  4. Take your Secret Santa to the next level. 
  5. Make sure you have proper holiday music to continue the party! 

While it may be daunting to throw a holiday party during this hectic time, we hope that our five tips give you the boost you need. And let’s just take a minute to remember why we are celebrating in the first place.

World’s Best Boss

Images: giphy.com, http://theofficescreenshots.tumblr.com/page/6

4E’s Recommendations for Awkward Holiday Questions

holiday dinnersHi honey! How’s school going? Do you have a major yet? What are you planning on doing with the rest of your life? What about this summer? Tell me a lot of very personal things about your personal life! Shall we discuss our conflicting political opinions in an emotionally-charged conversation while the turkey, ham or whatever else you have for holiday feasts cooks?

You love your fam and you love the holidays, but sometimes catching up with outspoken and unabashed Great-Aunt Martha leads to questions and conversations that you could do without. More importantly, time spent answering uncomfortable questions is time not spent eating the cornbread that your uncle only makes once a year.204

Here are some tips from 4E about how to respond to the familial assault of well-intentioned questions:

Dab

This is a good way to respond to just about any situation, but is particularly useful here. Many of your relatives may not understand (or fully appreciate) your artistic rendering of the iconic dance move. While they are momentarily overcome by confusion, you take the opportunity to hide under the dining room table. Foolproof.

Stop, drop and roll

There are so many hot takes coming your way that you are metaphorically on fire. Following the standard fire department-sanctioned procedure seems only appropriate and also allows you to inconspicuously escape the situation.

Take a big ‘ole bite of pumpkin pie

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And then another. Don’t stop eating pumpkin pie. Ever. The perk of this option is that we know you would be doing this anyway, so now you’re just multi-tasking. Can you say time-management skills?

Turn to Kermit the Frog

Quickly review the Kermit the Frog memes you have saved on your camera roll to try and remember what your subconscious might advise you to do in situations such as this one.

Happy Holidays, Hoyas!! 4E is grateful for you wonderful people (and your blog views). Eat a lot of food, enjoy your family and remember to leave your textbooks at home! We’ll see you in Lau when you get back for another lovely semester.

Gifs: giphy.com

4E’s Guide To Black Friday Shopping

Banner - Black FridayThe holiday season is right around the corner. Soon you’ll be sprawled about on a couch, wondering how it is humanly possible to still be alive after eating that much food. Soon after, you’ll be hit with a harsh dose of reality: you still haven’t bought any gifts for your friends and family. While this can be stressful, Black Friday, your last opportunity to get the best deals, can be even more stressful. 4E can make Black Friday the best Friday of the year with just several simple steps:

  1. Sleep late. If you’re going to be running around all day, you’re going to need a lot of energy. Eating so much yesterday probably took a lot out of you, so you’ll need some extra Z’s to feel refreshed.
  2. Wear a ski mask. You definitely don’t want to run into any of your high school ~friends~ when back in the home town. A nice ski mask will prevent awkward encounters and also keep you warm (darker colors = more sunlight absorbed)!
  3. Lie on the ground in front of Wal-Mart. In order to get the most incredible deals, like a refurbished low-grade tv that hopefully works for FREE, you’ll need to stake out your territory. Sprawling out across the ground is the best way to fend people off.
  4. Drive aggressively in the parking lot. There’s no hope in ever being able to find a parking spot if you’re not really willing to go for it at any cost. Reckless driving gets you a ticket, aggressive driving doesn’t.
  5. Don’t ask for help. You really can’t trust anyone. Everyone else vying for those clothes doesn’t care about you: not the store employees, not your friends, not even your family. Go it alone and don’t tell anyone your plans if you know what’s good for you.

    Trust NOBODY when it looks like this!

In the end, there’s always Cyber Monday. Happy shopping!

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, telegraph.co.uk

Thanksgiving FAQs

thanksgiving faqsIf you’re anything like us, you’re probably #hyped to be heading home for Thanksgiving. This is the perfect time to sleep in, eat some home-cooked meals and try not to think about how you’ll be back to eating Pringles out of the vending machine on Lau 2 at 3 AM in a few weeks.

But most of all, Thanksgiving is the perfect time to catch up with your family. To make sure your dinner table conversations with your relatives go as smoothly as possible, we’ve prepared some helpful Do’s and Don’ts for answering those fun Thanksgiving FAQs:

1. “So, do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?”

Do: Laugh casually and say something along the lines of “I’m too focused on my schoolwork to have time for a girlfriend” as you try not to think about the fact that you’re supposed to submit an essay you haven’t started yet by midnight.

Don’t: Mention the guy you met on the Vil A rooftop on Halloween. Don’t mention the guy from that Henle party the weekend before either.

2. “How about that election?”

Do: Change the topic as quickly as humanly possible. “Grandma, have you seen these hilarious Joe Biden memes?”

Don’t: Ask your relatives who they voted for. There’s a good chance that those of you in Wisconsin, Michigan, and/or Pennsylvania won’t like their answer.

Don’t: Think about the next four years. Your crippling anxiety is sure to put a damper on dinner.

3. “Are you eating/sleeping well?”

Don’t: Mention that you ran out of Flex Dollars two weeks into the semester and have resorted to signing up for clubs that you have no interest in for the sole purpose of getting free pizza at their meetings.

Don’t: Draw attention to the fact that you’ve gained the Freshman 15 despite the fact that you’re a junior.

Do: Say “O’Donovan’s at the Waterfront is an enjoyable and delicious dining experience. I frequently eat things other than chicken fingers there.” and “The fourth floor of New South is a quiet and relaxing place to sleep. Our RA does a great job of enforcing the noise rules.”

4. “How are classes?”

Do: Throw around some complicated-sounding buzzwords you’ve picked up from your IR class. “Hegemonic stability theory” and “Neoliberalist perspective” are two of my personal favorites. This is a great way to reassure your parents that you’re actually learning things and your tuition is money well spent.

Don’t: Mention that you haven’t actually gone to IR lecture in weeks and you’re less than 60% sure of what your TA’s name is.

5. “What’s a Hoya?”

Don’t: Worry about the fact that it’s been three years and you still don’t have a good answer.

Do: Just say any random sentence that combines the words “Stonewall” “Latin” “Greek” “a long time ago” and “Jack the Bulldog”.

So there you have it: some simple Do’s and Don’ts to make sure your Thanksgiving is a great one. From all of us here at 4E, safe travels and Happy Thanksgiving!

Gifs: giphy.com

Thanksgiving Pro-Tips

thanksgiving pro tips

It’s about that time again….FOOODD!!!!

…and, you know, spending time with family and giving thanks, I guess. With all the anticipation that comes with Thanksgiving dinner, you may forget the other things you have to deal with on this holiday. Don’t worry, we’ve got you covered. Here’s a list of pro-tips that’ll help you through this Thanksgiving.

1. Simultaneously make yourself two plates of food so your lazy future self doesn’t have to get up for seconds.

2. Continually whisper shady things about the desserts so that no one feels compelled to eat them except you. Let your family members know that “these desserts look super expired” or “I licked the entire pumpkin pie before this”.

3. Wear sweatpants, festive pajamas, or a loose-fitting outfit to dinner. Comfy-casual is essential…something that says, “I’m dressing formally to respect my family, but I also want to be comfortable when I gain 10 pounds”.

4. To avoid college questions from extended family members, simply stare at them as if you heard nothing. If they persist, promptly crawl under the table and assume the fetal position. It’ll throw them off for sure!

5. Bring a flask and make a Thanksgiving drinking game for you and your favorite sibling. Not only will it make the food better, but you can drown out the humdrum details of your little cousin’s 4th grade classes, too!

6. Dress your dog up like a turkey so you can laugh and distract yourself when that crazy extended family member starts one of their offensive rants again.

7. If you feel threatened by the appetites of others, steal a large piece of turkey and keep it in your pocket for later.

8. If a family member asks you your position on politics, fear not. Just divert their attention by hurling the bowl of mashed potatoes at the wall and reporting that you had seen a spider.

9. Finally, when asked to help cook the meal, gracefully explain that you have broken both your hands and are physically unable to contribute. Take your lie to the max by wrapping your hands in gauze and telling everyone you “wrote too many essays at school” and that your professors have “physically and mentally exhausted you”. Works every time!

Happy Turkey Day Hoyas!

Images: www.giphy.com, www.salon.com