4E’s Declassified Freshman Survival Guide: How To Not Seem Like A Freshman

So you’re a freshman, huh? Big fish in a little pond? Think again, young Hoya.

A visual representation of you as a freshman

Being a freshman at Georgetown isn’t always the easiest. On a campus where your worth is sometimes measured by GPA and the clubs you are or aren’t a part of, you may sometimes have trouble keeping your head above water.

Lucky for you, though: The Fourth Edition is here to help! We’ve compiled a list of the ~best~ tips to help you avoid looking like that typical lanyard-wearing freshman on campus. Take a look:

    1. Don’t wear your lanyard. If you’re able to make it to Georgetown, this hopefully goes without saying. It’s totally OK to have your key on your lanyard in your pocket, but please don’t wear it around your neck. I wouldn’t be saying this if I didn’t actually see it.
    2. Ask “Who do YOU know here?” This just may be the most common saying at Georgetown. Essentially, its 10:34 p.m. on a Friday night, and after cramming into New South 215 for a pregame of epic proportions, you and your freshman squad roll up to a Village A apartment that seems like its pretty awesome. Unfortunately, you can’t seem to locate the friend-of-a-friend’s-brother that said he would let you in to the party, so you get asked “Who do you know here?” Turn it around and ask the question back to them. It’s never been done. If that doesn’t get you in, just give up.
    3. Know your memes. If you want to really learn about something, textbooks just don’t cut it. Knowing the memes are necessary. This means joining Georgetown’s one-and-only meme page on Facebook. Don’t have a Facebook? Don’t even. Take a look at an one of the page’s more notable posts:
    4. Know the terminology. Memes aren’t enough, since Georgetown has its own lingo. If you learn it early, you should have no problem navigating around campus. You’ll even increase your chances of getting into a party and may not get lost in the ICC coming from HFSC after when you’re studying for a BSFS in IPEC in the SFS! If all of these acronyms are foreign to you, for a not-so-complete list of some of the key terms you should use flashcards to memorize before the fall semester arrives, check here.
    5. Do get lost in the ICC. It may sound strange, but this is sort of a tradition, so much so that even as a senior having had a class every semester but one in the ICC, I still manage to turn the wrong way or get lost in this perplexing building every time I (attempt) to enter or exit, and I can confidently say I am not alone. Getting lost in the ICC is a tradition Georgetown students celebrate from the moment they get on campus till the day they graduate, so why not start early?
    6. Sit by yourself in Leo’s. As an upperclassman, I can say that there is nothing worse than the food at when our beloved dining hall is clogged with swarms of freshmen taking up every chair so the entire floor can eat together. You probably won’t end up talking to any of these people anyways in just a few short weeks, so why don’t you try something new, and sit by yourself? Upperclassman won’t be able to immediately identify you as part of that flock of freshman from VCW 6.
      Your entire floor does NOT need to eat together
    7. Do not stand in front of Village A rooftops between the hours of 9 p.m. and 11 p.m. on Thursday through Saturday. Perhaps the most identifiable freshman breeding ground, this locale is nothing but trouble for any upperclassman that happens to pass through. My memory of this area is characterized by several things: salmon shorts, GUPD, vomit, squashed cans of Natural Light and swarms of awkward freshman. Don’t associate yourself with this memory. Stand elsewhere when you’re looking for something to do.
    8. Don’t sit on the statue. Georgetown was founded to honor Leo O’Donovan with a waterfront restaurant for the pursuit of knowledge, not the pursuit of your Snapchat stories. The lighting is never just right for a photo on old John Carroll’s lap, so don’t even waste your time. Plus, getting up there is harder than it looks, so especially in the wee hours of the night, it is just never a good idea.

Granted, these tips won’t work for everyone. On a more serious note, if you’re still struggling with something, chances are, there is someone to help you with that! Take a look at some of the resources Georgetown has to offer.

Catch 4E’s latest student tips in next week’s edition of 4E Declassified Freshman Survival Guide!

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, facebook.com, nick.com

Things My Internship Taught Me

So… you just finished your summer internship. Or maybe you didn’t have a job this summer because the idea of working a full-time, unpaid job that your dad’s friend-of-a-friend who knows that one guy from his high school who I guess is running for Congress now hooked you up with, just didn’t appeal to you. In which case, good for you. But for the rest of us who just finished lighting three months of our lives on fire, it’s time to do some reflecting. Looking back now, it’s hard to separate the time between March, when I was desperately trying to find a summer internship that I could proudly add to my LinkedIn profile like a Boy Scout badge, and the times I spent exiting out of Instagram and looking at my computer screen intently anytime my boss walked by my desk.  After some deep contemplation, however, I was able to come up with the most important things my summer internship taught me:

1.  My boss doesn’t know my name

Honestly, if you were lucky like me, then you basically got paid to be alive for 2.5 months. In fact, I’m pretty sure it would’ve taken anyone at my office longer than 2.5 months to notice I was dead and I probably still would’ve received my stipend for the summer term. So yeah, basically, if your boss doesn’t care to learn your name… it’s a win-win. Internships aren’t for learning, they’re for finessing and stealing time. 2. The importance of Happy Hour (for those 21+)

I never really understood why thirty and forty somethings loved happy hour so much. The thought of going to the P.F. Chang’s bar at 5:17 p.m. on a Tuesday for a half-priced Mai Thai used to seem really sad to me… until… I was forced to sit (read: scroll Facebook) in a cubicle for eight hours a day (read: for as little time as I could get away with). Now I get it. Without $5 chicken skewers and $3 long-island iced teas, there’s nothing else to look forward to… except my impending  and inevitable death, upon which I will be relinquished from the prison that is my office e-mail. 3. The Value of Money (lol jk)

I can’t be the only one who started off June declaring my intentions to save all of the money I would make this summer so that when the fall semester came I would have money for the occasional (read: twice a day) $28 smoothie from SouthBlock or, idk, just put the money away in savings? Well, that didn’t happen. I LEGIT spent all of my money on bi-daily coffee runs and now all I have left is regret and seven extra pounds I gained from all the scones I ate and I don’t even know how I’m going to burn them off because I can’t afford $30 work out classes anymore.  Like, what am I supposed to do? Go to Yates? *rolls eyes*  4. I look really good in a pencil skirt

Work wear is usually super gross, but I managed to push my office dress code to the very outer “Do I really need to wear a bra with this white blouse?” limits. Yes, I missed all of the best tanning hours and I don’t have Louboutin stilettos (YET, read further down), but — I did learn that if you’re ever in doubt about whether your outfit is work appropriate, just wear it. Yeah, Karen on the fourth floor will probably send an office-wide passive-aggressive e-mail out, reiterating the dress code, but if anyone confronts you directly you can just play the “I’m-a-dumb-but-cute-intern” card. Frankly though, you shouldn’t care: you choose what to wear, not your boss (and deffo not Karen with her ergonomic shoes and Chicken Alfredo Lean Cuisine.)  5. I don’t want to work

Yeah, I don’t want to work at all really. For some people, internships validate a certain career path or industry. For me, my internship made me realize that if I have to work a 9-5 job in a freezing cold office and wear a headset, I will retire at about the age of 25. Working just isn’t for me, which is kind of a huge problem, because I love money. Which brings me to my next realization… 6. I need a Sugar Daddy

You can interpret “Sugar Daddy” however you please and I’ll leave my own definition Jesuit-Ambiguous (TM) for purposes of keeping this up to Cura Personalis standards. IT DOESN’T HAVE TO MEAN WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS. But I’m from Las Vegas, so let’s be realistic. Things didn’t work out with my boss unfortunately (refer to lesson #1) so now I’m back to the drawing board. I only have one more year left in Georgetown and only a few years left of my Sugar Baby prime to make it happen. But it needs to happen pretty soon, because Sweetgreen is expensive and it’s not like I can wear off-brand (read: anything except Lululemon) leggings on campus… so…

Hopefully, the adult world will work our better for you than it has been for me. For now, I’m off to update my seeking arrangement profile. Stay sugared Hoyas!

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, unomaha.edu

4Eats: Falafel Inc. Debrief

Quick Pita died and has risen again in a new and improved form. While no Georgetown establishment will ever truly take its place, Quick Pita’s successor, Falafel Inc., sure does justice to our need for a delicious and frugal late-night spot. 4E went full Guy Fieri mode to give you a rundown of what you need to know about this new spot.

Here’s a quick guide to everything you care about:

  1. Prices: 10/10. You’d be hard-pressed to find a cheaper, more filling meal. There are plenty of bougie options in Georgetown, but this isn’t one of them. The price for the value is the best around. Both the main selections (falafel bowls and sandwiches for $4 each) and the sides ($3 each) are well-priced.
  2. Food (Variety): 8/10. While there aren’t many options on the menu, you can easily customize your order with the plethora of add-ins that are traditionally included for free (such as cabbage slaw, tomatoes, etc.). They also have some Middle Eastern specialties you’d have difficulty finding easily elsewhere, such as Barbican, a non-alcoholic fruit and malt soda.
  3. Food (Taste): 9.5/10. Definitely blows any other falafel I’ve ever had in D.C. out of the water. While a falafel sandwich is a pretty basic concept, Falafel Inc.’s execution is pretty close to flawless, and they put a unique blend of toppings that make the mundane falafel sandwich tasty and exciting.
  4. Food (Sauces): 9.5/10. There is just something spectacular about being able to smother a falafel in their garlicky habibi sauce. I don’t know what’s in it, and they probably wouldn’t tell me if I asked, but make sure to try this out (and all of the others, which are equally tasty) when you go.
  5. Ambience: 8/10. The inside of this place harkens to a refugee camp, and for good reason. The dimly lit, plywood walls truly create a unique atmosphere directly emulating the falafel shops in refugee camps. The only thing that would make it better would be more seating, but the lack thereof gives it a more authentic feel.
  6. Staff: 9/10. Very friendly people who work hard to get the food out quickly and correctly. It’s just hard not to think back to Quick Pita’s staff and wonder what ever happened to Sammy.
  7. Hours: 5.5/10. This is probably the only let-down, though the hours aren’t truly bad by any means. We’ve all been itn dire need of a piping hot pita around the wee hours of the night, and unfortunately Falafel Inc. closes at 11pm, making it a great lunch and dinner spot, but not so much a late-night post-game spot.
  8. Bonus: +0.5 for being FTR (For the Refugees). For every $10 spent, the shop feeds a refugee for a day by donating part of its revenue to the World Food Programme, so you can feel even better about having tahini drip down your face as you stuff yourself with falafel.

Final Rating: 9/10

While we all dearly miss Quick Pita, Falafel Inc. is more than worth a try (or several).

Photos/Gifs: washingtoncitypaper.com, giphy.com

How To: CHARMS

Is it time for you to find your first ever college roommate? Get excited for a year (or four) of pillow talks, impromptu dance parties, sexiling and shared bathrooms! Finding/having a roommate is nothing to stress out about. In my opinion, you can have three outcomes: A. You may find and get to live with a newfound BFFL; B. Your freshman year roommate will be someone that you can get along with well enough (not the future best man in your wedding, but trustworthy and good for a couple of 2am heart-to-hearts); or C. Getting through the year may require some Facetime-enabled venting to your parents, but you’ll emerge (mostly) unscathed with some great stories to tell about your miscommunications.

Many of you will find your roommate using CHARMS (Campus Housing Roommate Matching System….CHRMS?), which is perhaps better understood as the college-roommate-version of Tinder. CHARMS has a curiously high success rate. Is it a match made in heaven? It’s actually more like a  match made by virtually dating other eligible roommate-seeking baby-Hoyas after comparing room temperature preferences and how messy neat you are. Using this bewilderingly successful forum is as much a rite of passage as Club Lau, getting lost in the ICC, DFMOing with a stranger on a Vil A rooftop and learning how to order an Epi quesadilla. In order to help you with this signature Georgetown experience, here are some tips and tricks to hopefully help make your CHARMS adventure a little ~easier~.

1. Use Facebook It is much easier to communicate via FB Messenger than on the CHARMS site itself. Using Facebook saves you from logging on to the Starrez Housing Portal to check messages and lets you see when someone has read your message. Additionally, friending your potential roomie on Facebook allows you to do some ~wholesome investigation~ to make sure that they were just as weird (and good at Photo Booth) in seventh grade as you were. Plus, this allows you two to tag each other in the comment sections of some stellar memes – objectively the most effective means of determining your compatibility.

2.  Be Honest

This is my biggest piece of advice. There are roughly 2000 people in your grade, so don’t worry about revealing yourself to not be 100% compatible with one of the ~three people that CHARMS initially matches you with based on your Living Preference Questionnaire (a series of mostly arbitrary questions) answers. Don’t claim to be the world’s most organized person if, in fact, a greater percentage of your clothing is lying on your floor rather than neatly hanging in your closet. No need to disclose the exact number of empty water bottles currently in your bedroom, but come clean (#notsorry) about some of your messier tendencies and find a roommate who will understand (rather than resent) your system of putting your dirty clothes on the floor when your laundry basket is full of clean clothes that haven’t been put away yet.

3. Some Helpful Translations

“I’m in the McDonough School of Business” I won’t have classes on Friday. I have an extensive collection of Vineyard Vines polos. In my free time I enjoy cracking open a cold one with the MSBros. “I’m pre-med” I have early morning lectures. Aesthetic: goggle lines post-three-hour chem lab. Celebrity crush: Neil deGrasse Tyson. “I’m kind of a NARP” Direct translation: I’m a Non-Athletic Regular Person. More accurate interpretation: I have little intention of ever setting foot in Yates Field House (Field Dungeon?), but might be persuaded to go to SoulCycle if we can get acai bowls at South Block after. “I LOVE The Office” I will tag you in an endless stream of Michael Scott memes. You better understand my frequent references and respond appropriately, and also support my “Prison Mike” Halloween costume.

4. Plan ahead, but be realistic!

Coordinating some logistics with your roommate ahead of time is a good idea. Figure out what items you might want to have, what will be shared and who is bringing/buying a mini-fridge, a clothes drying rack, cleaning supplies, etc. Just remember that most freshmen dorm rooms are on the smaller side. I was particularly lucky to score what seemed to be a glorified closet of a freshman dorm room—great for some roomie bonding, less great for housing two humans and too many Bed Bath and Beyond purchases. Bill Clinton did it and you can too, but don’t plan on buying a couch or bringing your pet elephant. Best of luck finding a roommate! Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, theodysseyonline.com

The Stages of Losing Your GoCard

Who knew a tiny, ugly piece of plastic would mean so much to us? If you’re a Georgetown student, you’ve probably lost your GoCard before. And if you’re like me, you lose it almost every week. How do we cope? Well, the first step is knowing what you’re in for. If you’re not already familiar with the many feelings that come with losing that little card, here’s a reminder.

1. Denial

You lost it. Again. Again?! How did you lose it again? You’ve checked literally all the pockets of all your pants,  the entirety of your now-messier room and retraced your steps of the past few hours. It’s over. It’s gone. You can’t go to Leo’s, you can’t print, and you can’t get into your dorm without awkwardly waiting outside for a stranger to swipe you into the building. Great.

2. Anger

    It’s Day 3, and this whole losing your GoCard thing is ruining your life. You can’t do your laundry, and it might not be the best idea to ask your friend to borrow their GoCard for the 7th time.

3. Bargaining

    Here’s how you explain your situation to the swipe-in security officers: “Hi, I lost my GoCard. I’m sorry. I don’t — is that — okay? It might be upstairs, I don’t know. Okay great, yes, next time. I live here, I promise!”
    Here’s how they respond: They shrug, wave you along, maybe utter a soft “K” or “You’re fine…”

4. Depression

    Another day, another fruitless search for the GoCard. You’re sad. You’re confused. Do you keep looking for it? Do you even care at all?

5. Acceptance

Fine. It’s time for that trek up to the infamous GoCard office. You usually only go up to this location for late-night Epi runs, so this is new for you. But it’s time – it’s been time. You may be losing $25, but hey, at least you can try to get a better GoCard picture this time.

Photos/gifs: newstudent.thehoya.com, giphy.com

What to Do on GAAP Weekend: Prospective Student Edition

Dear Class of 2021, and so on and so forth,

WELCOME to the Hilltop. D.C. or, as both the cool kids and the geotag call it, “the District,”  is breathtakingly beautiful and the Georgetown bubble (aka my happy place) is nestled in a cozy corner of this vibrant and inspiring city. Home to an ambitious and driven student body, professors for whom one is willing to spend hours studying on Lau 4 and one well-loved bulldog, Georgetown is well worth visiting. Sign up to have a Blue and Gray tour guide escort you along patios strewn with empty beer cans the Vil A rooftops and point out where Bill Clinton lived in Harbin Hall, before he left communal bathrooms and his cluster for a marginally-more-upscale White House residence. Additionally, please make note of following important “Do’s and Don’ts” of visiting our campus.

Don’t try to join the meme page

Please don’t pretend that you’re a non-conforming Jesuit teen. Prep school has not prepared you for this type of meme mastery. One ~incredibly persuasive~ reason to attend this university and surround yourself with peers who also did quite well on the SAT, is the high caliber of meme quality that you will find here. However, seeing as you don’t go here (yet), you probably won’t be able to fully appreciate our self-deprecating jokes. Additionally, by bemoaning the state of Leo’s, Lau and the basketball program, the meme page fails to highlight the many things that make Georgetown so wonderful, and we don’t want you to get the wrong impression.

Don’t disrespect Leo’s

What are the odds that Leo’s will look like the Hogwarts’ Great Hall after the remodel? (unfortunately slim..)

To the hordes of red-sweatshirt clad minions getting WAY too excited about the weird ice cream flavors and groups of parents concernedly poking at salads, I don’t really understand why you are here. First of all, it’s O’Donovan’s by the Waterfront, to you. You are not allowed to poke fun at Leo’s mysterious lack of forks, soggy scrambled eggs, or constant abundance of gross Rum Raisin ice cream unless you have spent 14-18 meals a week in this fine establishment, and Kim Kim knows you by name. Second, while Georgetown is truly an incredible place, our on-campus dining options are not the reason that my future children’s first words will be “Hoya Saxa.”

Don’t brag about going to Georgetown “Frat Parties”

I would like to help you make the important distinction between a “frat party” and a party (or awkward, sweaty gathering) thrown by a frat in a cramped and dimly lit Henle apartment. I suppose I am powerless to stop you from putting a video of yourself singing along to Closer on your Snapchat story or taking a shot of Vanilla Burnett’s (Disclaimer: teen drinking is very bad, and also illegal). Just know that you’re not as cool as you think you are.

Do bask in the glory of Healy Hall

Does looking up at the Healy clock tower give you chills? Copley Lawn, peppered with Hoyas studying on blankets, throwing frisbees and laughing with their friends, feels so perfectly collegiate. The idyllic-ness of the hundreds of color-coordinated tulips gently swaying in the breeze by the front gates (almost) justifies the exorbitant cost of arranging such botanical displays. Can you resist taking a picture with John Carroll? Of course not. He is the GOAT, and you probably won’t get in if you don’t document meeting him (in statue form). Please note, this is not all too good to be true. I can assure you that one year later, when I am hammocking with my favorite people on the front lawn, it still feels just as magical.

A few additional points of clarification:

  • If you got the impression on your tour that The Corp rules this campus, this intuition is quite correct.
  • Jack the Bulldog and I are in an exclusive relationship. Take as many pictures with him as you would like, but he and I have already booked a date for our Dahlgren Chapel wedding.

Photos/gifs: msfs.georgetown.edu, giphy.com, facebook.com

Travel Ideas for Your Ramen-Noodle Student Budget

With Spring Break coming up and summer only a couple of weeks away, 4E has compiled a list of budget travel destinations for all of those students whose great-uncle’s friend’s son could not secure them an internship at Goldman Sach’s this summer. Enjoy!

1. IcelandAverage flight cost from D.C. : $250-$340
Airbnbs are, apparently, incedibly affordable here. (Another thing that all these Northern European countries have over us!). No, but seriously, Iceland has been increasing in popularity with the college students for its unique outside experiences such as their Northern Lights, hot springs, waterfalls, and modern cathedrals. If you book your ticket early enough, tickets can cost as low as $200 round-trip!

2. Chicago

Average flight cost from D.C.: $110-$180
Ahhh….Chicago. Known for their 1500 calorie deep-dish pizzas and this weird looking thing up there. Chicago is a cultural hub for art, music, and comedy. Activities include: The Rolling Stones exhibition at Navy Pier, Millenium Park, Shedd Aquarium, Art Institute of Chicago, Jurassic World: The Exhibition at The Field Museum, and Adler Planetarium. Only con is that prices for hospitality can be a little higher in rates depending on your proximity to central city.

3. Backpacking

A couple friends and I went backpacking at Lake Tahoe last summer, and I  could not recommend it more! We flew into Reno, Nevado (~$250 from Newark, New Jersey) and took a bus to our camp site from there. Backpacking can be a little pricier if you need to splurge on gear, but you can get ~thrifty with a lot of it (#InnovationNation). Some great backpacking places include the Grand Canyon, Yosemite, Yellowstone, and Glacier National Park. If you’re looking for a guided trip, however, prices can get steep fast.  Here’s a link to refer to if you’re considering it as an option: https://www.rei.com/adventures/trips/backpacking

4. New York

Average flight cost: $130-$360
if you haven’t checked it out already, New York’s Museum of Sex is one of the city’s most popular sites right now due to its bold coverage of ~doing the dirty~. Other popular places in New York include its Momofuku Milkbar in SoHo, The Met, the Museum of Ice Cream, and Midtown East’s Greenacre Park where there is an actual waterfall in the middle of Manhattan at 217 East 51st Street.

Pro-Tip : At most museums in New York entrance fees are only suggested prices. So instead of paying the $25 to the Met, you can pay as low as a dollar since it’s all considered a donation. The Museum of Sex, however, is excluded from this.

5. Camping/Hiking Trips

If backpacking is a little out of range physically, mentally, or financially, simpler hiking trips are great and less intense trips. Locate some trails near you or some camping sites and pack a lighter backpack. If you’re trying to ~”Glamp” try the Poconos where you get an Airbnb for cheap and get a good night’s sleep before hitting the trails.

6. Montreal

Average Flight Cost: $180-$380
Montreal is cool for its French culture and old-city vibes in a growing  metropolitan area.  Shop downtown, visit Chinatown, go to brunch, try different drinks at themed bars and even white-water raft!

Bonus: the legal drinking age in Montreal is 18.

Downside:  this also means, you could be clubbing with 16 year olds. It’s definitely an interesting, and all-in-all very fun place!

Happy traveling!

Citations: https://techcrunch.com/tag/chicago/, http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7377/10590831585_a96efe2490_b.jpg, https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&ved=0ahUKEwjq5PbpypDTAhUF6yYKHTzADTcQjhwIBQ&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.quipmag.com%2Ffighting-for-grub-on-the-go-montreal-street-food-ban%2F&bvm=bv.152174688,d.eWE&psig=AFQjCNHaA2wFze2z9ghnnvDBOOMK1Bhx7Q&ust=1491594122312410&cad=rjt, http://arrowheadpoconorental.com/state-parks-and-hiking/, http://purpleroofs.com/gay-travel-blog/2015/02/new-yorks-museum-sex.html

SWUG Life 101

As an underclassman at Georgetown, I heard the term SWUG for the first time and I told myself I would never become one during my senior year. Alas, here I am, senior year, drinking a bottle of wine in my sweats with my friends doing The New York Times crossword puzzle on a Saturday night. This is not the first time this has happened.

What is a SWUG, some of you may be asking? A SWUG is an acronym that stands for Senior Washed Up Girl. You may experience a SWUG sighting at Tombs on a Wednesday night or at an all you can drink brunch in Dupont. As an experienced SWUG myself over the past 7 months, I have decided to help 4E in order to create a SWUG guideline if you will.

SWUG Life 101

Have a designated booth at Tombs.
On a 1 to SWUGiness level, this is a 7.

Have the ability to recollect everything that happened on this past season of The Bachelor.
On  a 1 to SWUGiness level, this is a 5.

Do Nick and Vanessa still even like each other?

Do not leave your house unless absolutely necessary, like making a wine or food run.
On a 1 to SWUGiness level, this is a 6.5.

Exceptional knowledge of every happy hour in the DC Metro area.
On a 1 to SWUGiness level, this is a 8.5.

Saying “I have no motivation” at least three time a day.
On a 1 to SWUGiness level, this is a 9.2.

Senior year in a nutshell.

Invest in a New York Times crossword puzzle subscription.
On a 1 to SWUGiness level, this is a 10.

Because Saturday’s puzzle is super hard.

Images: giphy.com

What Should You Binge-Watch Next?

This time of year, we all get a little burnt out. Take it from someone who has been binge watching reruns of How to Get Away with Murder since August. Netflix is more than a streaming service, it’s a lifestyle choice. Sometimes however, opening the Netflix home page to millions of choices just seems too overwhelming for the stressed-out sleep-deprived college student. Even worse, in a few months Netflix plans to get rid of ratings on its shows! So today, we present you with the definitive 4E Guide to Netflix Binge-Watching. We know. Grab a jar of Nutella and a spoon and thank us later.

Stranger Things 

Rating: 5 hours more of procrastination on that PST paper

A borderline-schizophrenic mother, creepy background music from the 80’s, and aliens (I still don’t know) dominate this genuinely weird show. I have no idea why this is as entertaining as it is, but somehow it just works. Also the cast is woke so you can feel good about watching it.

Santa Clarita Diet

Rating: Three human hearts and a leg.

In this Netflix original, Drew Barrymore is a vampire/zombie/otherwise-undead being that teams up with her husband to kill and eat practically everyone who annoys them. This show also includes inordinate quantities of vomit and lots of references to Medieval Serbia. Not for the easily queasy.

Black Mirror

Rating: Too problematic

This series of unrelated episodes is intellectually mind-boggling in its most intense form. This show has everything: time-traveling lesbians, a urinating bank robber, the Prime Minister of the U.K. having sex with a pig (although I’m not sure that one isn’t real…*cough cough David Cameron cough cough*), and more. Try watching more than two episodes in a row and not doubting everything you know and love.

Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events

Rating: One burned-down mansion, three genius children and an evil actor

Neil Patrick Harris? Need I say more?

Seriously, this Netflix original puts its movie, and even the books it was based on, to shame. Beautifully whimsical sets are filled with surprise after surprise, each more depressing than the last. Metaphor, allegory and wit abound in a show that casts children as geniuses and adults as absurdly inept.

The show’s theme song tells you not to watch it, that the show is too depressing and nothing good will come from it.

I would agree you shouldn’t watch it, but for a different reason–you won’t get out of bed until you’ve watched the entire first season.

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Rating: 5 mole women

Produced by Tina Fey and some of her colleagues from 30 Rock, Kimmy Schmidt is a hilariously self-aware satire of pop culture. Everything from the stupidity of reality TV to discussion of race relations falls in the writers’ scope, which usually provides lots of laughs while delivering biting criticisms of modern society à la Colbert.

A warning for my friends and family: Don’t expect to see me May 19th, the day the third season of Kimmy Schmidt comes out. I won’t leave my room for food or water and I probably won’t even get up to go to the bathroom until I’ve finished all the episodes.

Photos/gifs: giphy.com, thepennyhoarder.com

What to Do After Getting Rejected from Piano Bar

After everyone’s favorite grimy bar got raided a few too many times and decided to be a whole lot pickier about who they let in, a lot of underage Georgetown students are left wondering – what next? Where else can I spend my Wednesday nights partying? Is there another spot I can flock to on a typical dead Georgetown Friday night? While no one has come up with a perfect solution yet, here are 4E’s 7 alternatives to Piano Bar.

  1. If you’re still looking to go out and have a good time, try Chi Di! What’s one rejection when you can have two in one night? Have you gotten a little too comfortable with your fake? Definitely give it a go despite multiple texts reporting cops surrounding the club.
  2. A rejection from Chi Di not enough to kill your party mood? The next move is a random club in downtown DC. You’re guaranteed to meet people almost twice your age, and if you wait in line long enough, you might even get to realize that Ultra is not nearly as large as they make it out to be. 
  3. However, if you’re a homebody and trying to stay near campus, why not try CVS on Wisconsin? I’m not kidding; this place is a goldmine. They have everything from snacks, to makeup, to Donald Trump shot glasses!
  4. Why not make it an early night at Epi? Sometimes Epi is more lit than the party (or in this case, Piano) itself. You’re guaranteed to see at least one person you know (and you know you wanted that quesadilla more than you wanted to be sweating it out on the dirty dance floor of Piano anyway).
  5. If you’re the typical Georgetown student who likes to talk about how much work they have, but never actually does it, why not spend the extra time studying? I hear (but don’t know from personal experience) Lau is open 24 hours a day. You can probably get some quality work done, considering your of age peers will be enjoying the bar you couldn’t get into. 
  6. Go to bed. Literally every single time I ask someone how they’re doing, they say tired. Instead of taking laps around Piano and waiting for the bartender to notice you until 2 AM, why not get some quality sleep in? Maybe the next day you won’t have to ban your roommate from drying her hair so that you can nap (sorry, Chiara!). 
  7. Stay in! Why risk it? It’s much safer to be caught partying by your RA than by the police. Grab some friends and have a good old sleepover filled with rounds of “Never Have I Ever” and “Truth or Dare.” I promise you’ll learn more about them that way than shouting over Piano’s sometimes cringey, sometimes decent music. These are just a few ideas for what you can do after being rejected from Piano, but feel free to explore other alternatives. Whatever you decide, 4E hopes you stay safe out there in this newly dangerous Georgetown bubble.

Gifs: giphy.com