Georgetown Bars Now and Then

Have you ever heard the rumors of Georgetown’s bustling nightlife and bar scene in the 1980’s, 1990’s and early 2000’s? Have you wondered where these bars went? Or have you accepted the fact that M Street is an eerily too similar replica of your hometown mall? Here at 4E we asked these questions and did the research into Georgetown’s bar history, and no this is not a shameless plug for my final research project. But if it was, I would suggest that you check out this website to learn more. So if finals have you feeling down, take a walk with 4E down memory lane and peer into the past with our Georgetown Bars Now and Then. 

3401 M St NW, Washington, DC 20007

Then: Poseurs

Now: The Running Company

This bar created Georgetown’s punk rock scene. It was the first bar in Georgetown that integrated music videos into the bar! It closed in 1989 and is now the Running Company. However, Poseurs loyal followers hosted a 30-year reunion, so check out their event on Facebook Event.

3477 M Street, NW Washington D.C. 

Then: The Cellar Door

Now: For rent

This building used to house The Cellar Door, a live music club that played host to famous artists such as Jimmy Buffet, Patti Smith, Carole King and many more from 1965-1981. Since then the location has been a sandwich shop but currently remains for rent.

3295 M St NW, Washington, DC 20007

Then:  Rhino

Now: Club Monaco

This location has been a bar since 1952 when it was first the Shamrock. It transitioned to Winston’s Pumphouse in 1972, and then in 1996 it became Rhino–a popular if not beloved Georgetown University bar. It was closed in 2015 due to high rent and is now Club Monaco, a clothing store.

3259 M St NW, Washington, DC 20007

Then: Crazy Horse

Now: Coach

Now a Coach retail store, Crazy Horse was a local bar popular with both Georgetown students and young adults from the DMV area.

1238 Wisconsin Ave NW, Washington, DC 20007

Then: Carriage House, followed by Tramps

Now: Zara

This location was first the Carriage House, a dining room frequented by many important social and political figures of the District. Then it was taken over by the famous disco club Tramps, run by Washington Playboy Mike O’Harro. This establishment was a left over remanent of the 1970s disco scene. Unfortunately, in 1982 it stopped “Staying Alive” and closed its doors. It is currently a Zara clothing store.

1218 Wisconsin Ave NW, Washington, DC 20007

Then: The Third Edition

Now: El Centro

This popular bar was dubbed the “the quintessential Georgetown saloon” by Zagat. It was at the center of the Georgetown neighborhood on the corner of Wisconsin and M. This bar wasn’t only a place to drink from 1969-2009; it also played host to a weekly Q&A Cafe, which brought together tourists, neighbors, politicians and notable Washingtonians.

3104 M St NW, Washington, DC 20007

Then: Mr. Smiths

Now: Fine Retailer

Mr. Smiths was arguably the second oldest continuing bar in the Georgetown neighborhood as it was founded in 1962. In 2014 it was forced to move from its M Street location to K Street, where it replaced longstanding bar Chadwicks due to rising rents. Now, it’s location is filled in with “Fine Retailer” (whatever that means).

3111 K St NW, Washington, DC 20007

Then: Bayou

Now: AMC Theatre

Currently the AMC Theatre, the Bayou was the go-to music scene from 1953 to 1998. Check out this website to learn more!

3003 M St NW, Washington, DC 20007

Then: Garret’s Railroad Tavern

Now: I-Thai

Garrett’s Restaurant and Railroad Tavern shut its doors for the last time on a Monday in 1979. It was described as “not simply another restaurant closing but rather the loss of a popular community hangout loved and frequented by locals, students, employees, and tourists.” It has since been replaced with a Thai restaurant. Here is another article discussing Garret’s closing.

1206 Wisconsin Ave NW, Washington, DC 20007

Then: Champions

Now: The Sovereign

Champions closed their doors in 2002. It was a dubbed “the original sports bar” and was a favorite with the Georgetown student body, visiting college students, tourists and residents of the DMV area. The bar was bought and converted into an upscale Belgium restaurant called The Sovereign.

Check out the website Booze to Bougie to learn more:

Photos/gifs: trophyhomes.com, images.google.com, boozetobougie.wordpress.com

GTFO: Hidden Study Spots, Finals Edition

As you begin to recover from the aftermath of Georgetown Day, we regret to inform that it’s officially Finals Season. And if you can’t stand the thought of spending the next two weeks studying in hell Lau, fear not: we here at 4E have got you covered with some of the best hidden study spots on this side of the Potomac.

1.  The Library of Congress

Located in the heart of D.C., the Library of Congress is the perfect place to reenact scenes from National Treasure get some serious and productive studying done! Visiting the Library of Congress is a great opportunity to try to finally figure out the whole GUTS bus/Metro system, get frustrated after three minutes, and resort to calling an Uber like you always do.  Once you get there, be sure to blatantly ignore the library rules and take plenty of pictures of your beautiful surroundings- you can send some to your parents as proof that your college experience also involves some non-Burnetts-related activities !

4E Fun Fact: My own Library of Congress card has the unique distinction of being the only picture of me in existence that is worse than the one on my GoCard.

Actual footage of a Georgetown student Snapchatting his friends at the LoC.

2. The Aisles of Vital Vittles

If you’re too lazy to venture more than five minutes from campus looking for something a little closer to your Hilltop home, there are still plenty of options. One of Georgetown’s best study spots is located in the aisles of Vittles. This is exactly what it sounds like: just grab your backpack, go sit on the floor of the campus grocery store and get to work! Trust us, all the cool kids are doing it. As you study, you can enjoy the questioning stares of your fellow Hoyas while munching on one of the snacks you settled for because they were inexplicably out of your top five snack food choices.

4E Bonus Tip: If you’re feeling really adventurous, go study in the lone aisle of Snaxa.

3. VCE

Home to sophomores who skipped every “What’s a Hoya?” and freshmen who weren’t told this was even an option during their GAAP weekend, Village C East is truly a hidden treasure. Frequently forgotten and perpetually overlooked in favor of its better-known sibling to the west, VCE is basically the Jeb Bush of Georgetown dormitories. So while it may be “low-energy,” sometimes that’s exactly what you need after another wasted night spent in the distraction-filled mosh pit known as Lau 2 during finals. I personally recommend grabbing a spot at the tables in the laundry room, mostly because it reminds me of a simpler time, during freshman year, when I actually did my laundry on a regular basis instead of wearing the same pair of jeans for a week straight and hoping no one notices.

Remember when people were worried about him becoming president? We were so young…

4. The ICC Bathrooms

We’ve all been there: your professor assigns you a “collaborative final project” and everyone in your group is a total stranger. You’re probably freaking out- group projects are soooo awkward! But luckily, we here at 4E have found a quick fix to your problem: the ICC bathrooms. Spending time in uncomfortably-close physical proximity is a surefire way to get to know each other. And what better place to build this camaraderie than in the inexplicably-tiny restrooms of the Edward B. Bunn S.J. Intercultural Center? Just think of all the built-in conversation starters that will help break the ice: “Why are we working in a bathroom?” “This is so weird”- you’re sure to be best friends in no time! And best of all, you won’t have any of that pesky “reliable wifi access” to distract you from the task at hand.

4E Bonus Tip: If you’re really looking to get close with your peers, head on over to the White-Gravenor bathrooms, which have the cool added bonus of being extremely small and extremely old.

5. John Kerry’s House

Now that the Secret Service agents outside of his house are gone, this basically means we all have an open invitation to go hang out with Johnny K whenever we want. Though I personally have never actually been inside his home, I’m assuming it’s extremely classy (John Kerry is pretty much as #bougie as it gets- here’s a picture of a him on a yacht with JFK) and it also probably has pretty decent wifi, because we all know how much former Secretaries of State like to send emails!

Disclaimer: Yes, I know that joke was terrible, but I got yelled at for writing too many articles roasting Trump, so just consider this my attempt at being bipartisan). Additionally, the Kerrster can totally help you study for your IR final, and will almost-definitely be down to walk across the street with you for a Wingo’s study break

*Side Note: If anyone ever actually sees John Kerry at Wingo’s, please alert me immediately.

The Internet was made for moments like this.

So there you have it- five ways to shake up your study routine this finals season. Best of luck from all of us here at 4E, and please remember to keep procrastinating by reading our articles!

Photo source: jfklibrary.org; Gif source: giphy.com 

Health Code Violations Georgetown Students Have Ignored

We’ve heard the rumors. We’ve seen the health code signs. But for all our favorite Georgetown restaurants, students are very much willing to forgive and forget their health code violations. To commemorate our most notorious health code offenders, 4E has rounded up all our favorite food establishments and their health code violations! We also realistically understand you’ll read this article and then go grab a bite to eat. See you there!

1. Dean and DeLuca, 2017

Not the first time its been closed for rodent infestation. But then again who in Georgetown can escape the rodent infestation?

http://wjla.com/news/local/dc-dept-of-health-closes-dean-deluca-in-georgetown-due-to-reported-rodent-infestation

2. Sweetgreen, 2013

Closed for “six critical violations of food code regulations, including an inaccessible hand-washing sink, a broken refrigerator, fruit flies and an expired business license.” Rough.

http://www.thehoya.com/sweetgreen-reopens-after-food-code-violations/

3. Mai Thai, 2017

Closed for apparent “drainage issues in the kitchen during maintenance work,” and mold in the ice machines. But real question how does their food come so fast???

https://www.washingtonian.com/2017/02/10/mai-thai-in-georgetown-closed-by-the-dc-health-department/

4. Whole Foods, 2017

Closed for violating “the District of Columbia food code regulations, which presents an imminent health hazard to the public.” But the only real hazard to our health is Whole Foods prices.

http://www.nbcwashington.com/news/local/Glover-Park-Whole-Foods-Closed-for-Food-Code-Violations-413385753.html

5. Booeymongers, 2013

Closed for unclean food preparation, “mold on the ice machine and employees failing to use gloves during food preparation.” But let’s be honest: Most of us come for something that doesn’t need preparation and comes straight from a tap.

http://www.thehoya.com/after-2013-violations-local-eateries-adjust/

6. Wingos, 2012

Closed for violation of “improper holding temperatures, lack of proper date labels and improper food separation.” I mean, most of us eat Wingo’s at improper temperatures, with unknown dates, and no separation…it’s called the next morning.

http://www.thehoya.com/after-2013-violations-local-eateries-adjust/

7. Johnny Rockets, 2007

According to a health department report, health inspectors discovered “evidence of recent rodent activity,” including “gnawed hamburger buns.” The report said that improper disposal of trash and food debris had caused the rat infestation. The department closed the restaurant…” Maybe just get a milkshake?

http://www.thehoya.com/doh-shuts-down-johnny-rockets-for-health-violations/

8. Chipotle

I think we all ignored the Chipotle E. coli outbreak and we lined up for our burrito bowls the day they reopened. Just saying.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/to-your-health/wp/2015/11/02/chipotle-closes-43-restaurants-following-e-coli-outbreak/?utm_term=.ca6e3b1a7c89

9. Epicurean, 2009

Who knew our favorite late night eater was up to so much? I guess we were all a little too “busy” *cough* to notice. Here are Epi’s violations:

  • Food was not properly “segregated, separated, [or] protected.” At the sushi station, eggs were stored in a way where they might contaminate other foods.
  • The restaurant was cited for unclean and unsanitized food contact surfaces.
  • The restaurant’s food marking and disposal methods were cited.
  • Food and non-critical surfaces were not properly maintained. The restaurant was cited for improper “dishware washing sanitation, and frequency methods,” which includes silverware. The final rinse temperature of the dishwasher was not hot enough.
  • Hot and cold foods were stored at improper temperatures.
  • There was no consumer food advisory for raw or under-cooked food displayed at the sushi bar or on menus

https://blog.georgetownvoice.com/2010/03/15/epicurean-leos-tombs-and-bangkok-were-high-risk-violators-of-d-c-health-code-in-2009/

10. Leos, 2005, 2008, 2009, 2012

Are we even surprised?

http://www.thehoya.com/doh-hits-leos-with-seven-violations/

https://blog.georgetownvoice.com/2012/09/13/leos-health-inspection-reports-six-violations-third-level-risk-category/

Don’t worry we love you guys anyways!

images source: google images

Dating App: Bio Do’s and Don’ts

Have you heard? Dating apps are in. And, we here at 4E are into it.

While older generations and predominant coffee-shop narratives of first sight romance might be disturbed by the rising persistence of online dating, we see the perks:

1. Safety

YES, safety.  Despite your Mom’s concern that dating apps are creepy because ~strangers~, meeting someone online often allows you to validate the person’s existence through mutual friends, Facebook, even Linkedin, before meeting them in person. On the other hand, the guy that chatted you up on the street could be the type of dangerous that is straight out of a pyscho-killer-thriller movie.

2. Efficiency

While spontaneous human connection can be fun and romantic, dating apps give you a chance to determine whether or not you find a person attractive and nice, before agreeing to commit an entire lunch to them.

**This of course not always 100% effective and does not guarantee that the date won’t be horrible, but it has marginal benefits.

3. Opportunity

Whether you love to hate or hate to love our fast-paced technology-infused modern world, dating norms are shifting from away traditional courtship. This is, in part, because we are busy, and often driven by our own goals and pursuits that can make finding time for genuine connection hard. Dating apps can help you fast forward to seek out whatever type of human connection it is that you’re after.

**This is starting to sound like we are entering an era of robots and commodified intimacy, which is horribly concerning.

Anyway, for those of you looking to dabble in the online dating world or those already knee-deep, you may be wondering what to put in your profile. This is tricky, indeed. It is the opportunity to make a wonderful first impression or turn someone away immediately.

For your reference, we have compiled a list of “Profile Types” and categorized them as Dislike (AKA swipe left), Like (AKA swipe right), and for the Tinder goers, Superlike (We 10/10 would recommend).

Dislike

The Recycler

To all of the Michael Scott fanatics out there, we get it. And, we’re with you. But observation (unsupported by real data) has it that 80% of you use this line. What are you trying to say, anyway? You want us to take the shot and message you? Be more creative.

This series of references, too, is rather overused. We appreciate the creativity, and honesty, but this additional information is just not going to sway our decision to give you a shot. Put it away.

The Honest and Arrogant Type

Does this ever actually work?! We appreciate the honesty, but even if another person is also not interested in your ex and is too, mainly on Tinder for the opportunity for physical intimacy, we don’t think this is the turn on to motivate that encounter. Try again.

The Poorly Produced Pick-Up Line Guy

Pick up lines can be charming, but texting and driving is reckless. Do better.

The Weird, in a Bad Way Dude

Do you get it? We don’t. Regardless if  this is a song lyric, the image of mayonnaise in not inspiring us to pursue an introduction.  

The Cringe-Worthy

We respect your hard work, but we’re not here for your dolla bills. Well, most of us.

Like (Not great, but not a deal-breaker)

The Short and Sweet One

Not a super clever bio, but no red flags. And, just enough information to make inquiries without feeling like there is nothing left to get to know about this person.

The Genuine Guy

This boy gets points for being a good grandson and a sweetie. He states his motives, provides hints of personal information and is friendly.

The Combo

So maybe he’s a bit of a recycler, but he combined his references with some genuine information. Worth a shot.

The Aspiring Stay at Home Dad

 Again, he’s okay. Enough information to have an inkling about his character. However, to all the girls and guys out there that care about height… (eye roll) this one always brings out the attitude.

Super like
(If we were on the fence before, this sealed the deal)

Clever and Concise 

Okay, neither of these are stellar- but, a good sense of humor and a to the point message are rarely a deal breaker.

Other ideas: The real rare gems are those that take effort, creativity, and commitment. Two examples include: the dating resume and the date application. More to come on how to go above and beyond creating these, in a later post!

Editor’s note: The author apologizes that this post takes a very heteronormative and gender conforming approach to personal branding: these suggestions are limited to the profiles of men looking for women. 

Gifs: giphy.com

Travel Ideas for Your Ramen-Noodle Student Budget

With Spring Break coming up and summer only a couple of weeks away, 4E has compiled a list of budget travel destinations for all of those students whose great-uncle’s friend’s son could not secure them an internship at Goldman Sach’s this summer. Enjoy!

1. IcelandAverage flight cost from D.C. : $250-$340
Airbnbs are, apparently, incedibly affordable here. (Another thing that all these Northern European countries have over us!). No, but seriously, Iceland has been increasing in popularity with the college students for its unique outside experiences such as their Northern Lights, hot springs, waterfalls, and modern cathedrals. If you book your ticket early enough, tickets can cost as low as $200 round-trip!

2. Chicago

Average flight cost from D.C.: $110-$180
Ahhh….Chicago. Known for their 1500 calorie deep-dish pizzas and this weird looking thing up there. Chicago is a cultural hub for art, music, and comedy. Activities include: The Rolling Stones exhibition at Navy Pier, Millenium Park, Shedd Aquarium, Art Institute of Chicago, Jurassic World: The Exhibition at The Field Museum, and Adler Planetarium. Only con is that prices for hospitality can be a little higher in rates depending on your proximity to central city.

3. Backpacking

A couple friends and I went backpacking at Lake Tahoe last summer, and I  could not recommend it more! We flew into Reno, Nevado (~$250 from Newark, New Jersey) and took a bus to our camp site from there. Backpacking can be a little pricier if you need to splurge on gear, but you can get ~thrifty with a lot of it (#InnovationNation). Some great backpacking places include the Grand Canyon, Yosemite, Yellowstone, and Glacier National Park. If you’re looking for a guided trip, however, prices can get steep fast.  Here’s a link to refer to if you’re considering it as an option: https://www.rei.com/adventures/trips/backpacking

4. New York

Average flight cost: $130-$360
if you haven’t checked it out already, New York’s Museum of Sex is one of the city’s most popular sites right now due to its bold coverage of ~doing the dirty~. Other popular places in New York include its Momofuku Milkbar in SoHo, The Met, the Museum of Ice Cream, and Midtown East’s Greenacre Park where there is an actual waterfall in the middle of Manhattan at 217 East 51st Street.

Pro-Tip : At most museums in New York entrance fees are only suggested prices. So instead of paying the $25 to the Met, you can pay as low as a dollar since it’s all considered a donation. The Museum of Sex, however, is excluded from this.

5. Camping/Hiking Trips

If backpacking is a little out of range physically, mentally, or financially, simpler hiking trips are great and less intense trips. Locate some trails near you or some camping sites and pack a lighter backpack. If you’re trying to ~”Glamp” try the Poconos where you get an Airbnb for cheap and get a good night’s sleep before hitting the trails.

6. Montreal

Average Flight Cost: $180-$380
Montreal is cool for its French culture and old-city vibes in a growing  metropolitan area.  Shop downtown, visit Chinatown, go to brunch, try different drinks at themed bars and even white-water raft!

Bonus: the legal drinking age in Montreal is 18.

Downside:  this also means, you could be clubbing with 16 year olds. It’s definitely an interesting, and all-in-all very fun place!

Happy traveling!

Citations: https://techcrunch.com/tag/chicago/, http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7377/10590831585_a96efe2490_b.jpg, https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&ved=0ahUKEwjq5PbpypDTAhUF6yYKHTzADTcQjhwIBQ&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.quipmag.com%2Ffighting-for-grub-on-the-go-montreal-street-food-ban%2F&bvm=bv.152174688,d.eWE&psig=AFQjCNHaA2wFze2z9ghnnvDBOOMK1Bhx7Q&ust=1491594122312410&cad=rjt, http://arrowheadpoconorental.com/state-parks-and-hiking/, http://purpleroofs.com/gay-travel-blog/2015/02/new-yorks-museum-sex.html

Peek at Peak Blossoms

It is that time of the year again; the time where Hoyas can shed off their twenty pound Canada Goose parkas; the time where every weekend, students are double fisting at darties not in Village A but on Village A.

It is finally spring.

Yet, as any D.C. resident knows, it is not truly spring until the cherry blossoms actually, well, blossom. Unfortunately, if you are like the rest of us internet folk/Georgetown students, you will be missing the 5 minutes of beauty for midterms, essays, and HRC’s visit (nbd).

So us, lovely folks, have decided to bring the beauty to you, through the internet, because we are internet folks.

You’re welcome!

And if you feel slightly bitter that you are at Lau and not there, just remember that you live in the greatest city in the world, and near three cupcake stores.

Gifs/Photos: giphy.com, instagram.com (duh)

Exclusive Movie Ticket Giveaway

Enter to win one of ten admit-2 passes to see “T2 Trainspotting!” 
These Run-of-Engagement Passes are good at any Landmark theater in the DC area, valid Monday through Thursday, beginning Monday, March 27.
Please email guide@thehoya.com with “T2 ROE Pass Giveaway” as the subject line to enter. 

Don’t know much about “T2 Trainspotting?” Read on!

First, there was an opportunity. Then, there was a betrayal.

Twenty years have gone by since the original “Trainspotting” release.

Much has changed, but just as much remains the same.
Mark Renton (Ewan McGregor) returns to the only place he can ever call home.
There, they are waiting for him: Spud (Ewen Bremner), Sick Boy (Jonny Lee Miller), and Begbie (Robert Carlyle).
Other old friends are waiting too: sorrow, loss, joy, vengeance, hatred, friendship, love, longing, fear, regret, diamorphine, self-destruction and mortal danger. They are all lined up to welcome him, ready for him to join the dance.
Face your past. Choose your future. T2 Trainspotting.
Rated: R | Opening in Washington, DC theaters on Friday, March 24.
Check out the trailer at https://youtu.be/wfEImq47Jpw
Photos/gifs: giphy.com

What to Do After Getting Rejected from Piano Bar

After everyone’s favorite grimy bar got raided a few too many times and decided to be a whole lot pickier about who they let in, a lot of underage Georgetown students are left wondering – what next? Where else can I spend my Wednesday nights partying? Is there another spot I can flock to on a typical dead Georgetown Friday night? While no one has come up with a perfect solution yet, here are 4E’s 7 alternatives to Piano Bar.

  1. If you’re still looking to go out and have a good time, try Chi Di! What’s one rejection when you can have two in one night? Have you gotten a little too comfortable with your fake? Definitely give it a go despite multiple texts reporting cops surrounding the club.
  2. A rejection from Chi Di not enough to kill your party mood? The next move is a random club in downtown DC. You’re guaranteed to meet people almost twice your age, and if you wait in line long enough, you might even get to realize that Ultra is not nearly as large as they make it out to be. 
  3. However, if you’re a homebody and trying to stay near campus, why not try CVS on Wisconsin? I’m not kidding; this place is a goldmine. They have everything from snacks, to makeup, to Donald Trump shot glasses!
  4. Why not make it an early night at Epi? Sometimes Epi is more lit than the party (or in this case, Piano) itself. You’re guaranteed to see at least one person you know (and you know you wanted that quesadilla more than you wanted to be sweating it out on the dirty dance floor of Piano anyway).
  5. If you’re the typical Georgetown student who likes to talk about how much work they have, but never actually does it, why not spend the extra time studying? I hear (but don’t know from personal experience) Lau is open 24 hours a day. You can probably get some quality work done, considering your of age peers will be enjoying the bar you couldn’t get into. 
  6. Go to bed. Literally every single time I ask someone how they’re doing, they say tired. Instead of taking laps around Piano and waiting for the bartender to notice you until 2 AM, why not get some quality sleep in? Maybe the next day you won’t have to ban your roommate from drying her hair so that you can nap (sorry, Chiara!). 
  7. Stay in! Why risk it? It’s much safer to be caught partying by your RA than by the police. Grab some friends and have a good old sleepover filled with rounds of “Never Have I Ever” and “Truth or Dare.” I promise you’ll learn more about them that way than shouting over Piano’s sometimes cringey, sometimes decent music. These are just a few ideas for what you can do after being rejected from Piano, but feel free to explore other alternatives. Whatever you decide, 4E hopes you stay safe out there in this newly dangerous Georgetown bubble.

Gifs: giphy.com

Who Says You Can’t Wear White After Labor Day? Congress is Doing it.

4E here with some unbeknownst fashion advice.

You can wear white after labor day.

Turns out that this silly little rule stems from fashion-elite-stas of the 1900s who reserved white for their summer vacays, which apparently lasted from Memorial Day all the way to Labor Day (Is this not America, people?! We werk.).

Goodness forbid that in the months before and after this extended vacation, they wear these clothes in the real world (not to mention the other ~rules~ regarding white like the “purity” trope, wedding dresses and all other things generated by social constructions like implicit gender roles, the patriarchy, etc.).

So what about black? These days, white is in. In a nod to suffragists, the members of the Women’s Working Group brought out their ivories, creams, and off-whites last night at President Trump’s address to Congress. 

Turns out white is the new statement piece.

AND it’s a non-partisan trend. If Hillary and Ivanka can sport it, everyone else that falls between the left, right, straight, backwards and undefined can too.

 

Photos: CNN, US News and US Magazine

Make Sightseeing Great Again

In these tumultuous times, the District may seem like a less attractive tourist destination. However, if you properly ignore a certain orange presence, you’re sure to enjoy checking out America’s most treasured monuments and museums, which, believe it or not, are still standing after the election!

So, if you’re disheartened and still a little confused by the events of November 8th, 2016 and you have friends coming in from out of town or you’re just looking for a cool museum to explore by yourself (#foreveralone), 4E’s got you covered!

The Gear

The most important aspect of being a D.C. tourist is looking the part. Sure, you go to Georgetown, but you shouldn’t walk into the National Gallery of Art wearing Vineyard Vines if you want to be a real D.C. expert. That’s why 4E recommends purchasing a classy American flag fanny pack for your trips into the center of our nation’s capital. Aside from being stylish, a fanny pack such as the Freedom Fanny Pack with Six-Pack Drink Holder Extension is a convenient option for storing beverages for yourself and whoever’s crazy enough to walk around with you. The fanny pack can be accompanied by American flag leggings or a pet bald eagle.*

*Note: Bald eagles cannot be legally kept as pets in the United States. 4E is in no way encouraging readers to attempt to domesticate bald eagles and thus holds no responsibility for bald eagle attacks. But also, you do you.

The Top 5 Tourist Stops

Washington Monument

The Washington Monument is a 555-foot obelisk built to honor George Washington. Construction of the monument was completed in 1888 and it is to this day the tallest structure in D.C.

Unfortunately, the National Park Service is currently working on the monument’s elevator so the obelisk’s famous viewing deck is currently closed to the public. As the National Park Service is at this moment engaged in a Twitter war with our commander in chief (you just can’t make this stuff up), it seems extremely unlikely that the monument will be open to visitors before its expected completion date of 2019. On the other hand, the Trump presidency’s expected completion date is 2020. We are very much hoping this is a liberal estimate.

National Gallery of Art

Before the National Endowment for the Arts is defunded by our president, it’s worth taking a trip to the National Gallery of Art where you can impress friends and family by pretending to know about art history. Was Picasso the one that cut his ear off? Was Joan Miró a man or a woman? What kind of horrible parents name their child Rembrandt Harmenszoon van Rijn? Don’t worry! Just pull a Kellyanne Conway by making some stuff up and laughing it off if anyone questions you. If you’re really stuck, just yell “alternative fact!” until people forget whatever ridiculous thing you said in the first place.

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

Just don’t.

This used to be an historic monument but it’s currently being desecrated by an oversized cheeto and his friends.

Even once he’s gone, visiting will be a bit like going into a bathroom stall when someone just came out and said “Hey, I wasn’t feeling so good so you might wanna wait a while before you go in there.”

Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. (Unless you’re a Russian hacker, in which case, pat yourself on the back and go collect your pay before he sues you).

Supreme Court

If you’re a bad hombre or a nasty woman, this stop will be one of your favorites!

Hidden behind the Capitol Building, the Supreme Court is where our country’s most significant judicial decisions are made by nine justices. Well, most of the time it’s nine. It’s kind of complicated at the moment. We won’t get into it. (Love you @merrickgarland)

More importantly, the Supreme Court is the workplace of America’s favorite grandma and 4E’s biggest fan, Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

National Air and Space Museum

For those days when you’ve gotten seven CNN News Alerts about Trump’s executive orders, tweets and absurdly long neckties, and you just feel like you can’t handle living on Earth any longer, put your phone on silent and take a break at the National Air and Space Museum!

This museum has on display the Wright brothers’ plane, the Friendship 7 capsule that John Glenn flew as the first American to orbit Earth and even the Apollo 11 module that was responsible for the moon landing. If you consider the moon landing to be fake news, feel free to skip that part.

If these exhibits still seem a little too close to all our planet’s insanity for your liking, the museum even has an IMAX movie about future travel to Mars. We know moving to Canada seems like a drastic option — after all, even though they have an awesome (*cough cough hot cough cough*) prime minister, Canadians eat snow off the street and apologize for everything. That’s why we recommend exploring the Mars One website (www.mars-one.com) which will tell you all you need to know about being a Mars colonist. You might want to upgrade your fanny pack for that trip though.

Sources: giphy.com, twitter.com, tumblr.com