Best of Amazon Reviews: Gummy Bears of Death

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Gummy bears are nothing more than a harmless treat, right? Wrong. According to many customer reviews for one specific brand of these gelatin treats, Haribo Sugar-Free Bears®, gummy bears are a death sentence. In order to understand the hardships one may experience when consuming them, we at 4E have found the best snippets of the reviews. We hope you find them ~easily digestible~:

rumble

“It all began when I saw an Internet article that pointed me to these reviews, how I rue that day. I laughed for at least an hour at the ridiculous stories; sure they were entertaining, but these so-called “hell-bears” as so many reviewers refer to them couldn’t live up to the hype. So, I naturally did what any curious, doubtful person with a lot of free time on his or her hands would do: I ordered a 5 lb. bag.”

Upon receipt of these non-descript and innocent-looking gummy bears, I formulated my plan: 25 down the hatch every 30 minutes, until I dutifully reached 100. These things tasted good; quite good, actually. I, however, knew the clandestine nature of these bad boys based off the other reviews so I was wary. All was well after the first, second, and third ingestion and then…

“I was out in the city walking under the hot Brazilian afternoon sun, the kind of heat that bears down on you with actual weight. To keep from wilting, I had been downing a lot of water. My stomach’s been churning the last few minutes. The bears aren’t sitting well. I’m aware I’ll need to find a bathroom soon, but no worries.

anticipation

“I immediately started to walk like I was trying to hold a golf ball between both knees. I ran into the nearest store and waddled to the back isle all the time praying I could keep my sphincter closed long enough. About this time I spied another pair of doors marked employees only and pushed my way inside. I saw a small bathroom for employees and went straight to it, all the while a stock boy is trying to stop me and tell me I can’t use it. I stiff arm him from my football days and say in what must have sounded like a demonic voice from hell  ‘I’m sick, back off.’

“To my immediate relief I got the door shut and locked just in time for Mt. St Helen’s to blow.”

“I quit trying to stay hydrated hours ago, everything I drink comes out the other end violently and ceases to stop.”

baby crying

“I spent almost 2 hours, in various positions in, around, and above the toilet, and managed to double the normal monthly water and sewage bill of the store in that same period. I also can attest to the stench. I am not a chemist by education but have concluded that the Taliban-formulated sugar substitute utilized in these bears somehow instantly combines and interacts at the molecular level with existing intestinal contents to create a foul odor that no human, or Lord of the Rings character, would ever have reason to experience. I would suffice it to say that 2 months later my nose hair refuses to grow back and I am unable to discern between the smell of roses and acrid smoke rising from burning oil.”

shaking no

“Thanks to Haribo I have a better understanding of what the meaning of life is, and how to approach success in the face of adversity. I would not say that I’m a better man, but I am better prepared for life’s little games.”

“I am sending a bag of these to every member of Congress to show my deepest gratitude.”

 

Thanks to the reliable customers of Amazon for providing the comic relief! Now you readers of 4E have a great holiday gift idea for that special someone!

 

Photos/Information/Gifs: amazon.com, businessinsider.com, giphy.com

Mike Radice

Mike Radice

Mike is 4E's Senior Editor. Hailing from the misunderstood state that gave you Chris Christie and trashy TV's finest stars, Mike is a senior in the SFS. He enjoys winning poke wars, pretending to know how to get places in the ICC and complaining about SaxaNet.
Mike Radice

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