It’s officially winter, my fellow Hoyas*. You know what that means: finals, Christmas and, of course, being freezing at all times. Here are some tips and tricks from your friends at 4E to help you stay warm over the next few months:
*Yes, I know winter doesn’t officially start until December something, but when it starts getting dark outside before I’ve eaten lunch, I consider it winter and so should you.
1. Invest in a Nice Jacket
I mean nice but not too nice. If you purchase either a Canada Goose or a Barbour, I can guarantee it will mysteriously “go missing” from a chair in the corner of some Henle party within a month — s/o to GUPD Chief of Police Jay Gruber.
2. Stop Drinking Iced Coffee.
It’s disgusting even when it’s actually hot outside. There is absolutely no reason to order iced coffee while wearing a scarf. Ice doesn’t belong in coffee. Just order it hot and stop being so weird.
3. Eat a Hot Chick From Wisey’s
Haha, get it? Because it’s “Hot.” Also, your stomach will hurt so badly afterward that you’ll forget all about how cold you feel!
4. Run (From the Rats on Campus)
There are So. Many. Rats. On. This. Campus. You’ll be plenty warm in no time once you start sprinting away from the ones that have started nesting directly outside your apartment!
5. Get a Significant Other
Cuffing Szn, amirite #ladies? 70 percent of Hoyas date other Hoyas!*
*and end things the minute it finally gets warm enough to darty again.
6. Ghost Everyone in Your Life Who Lives in Burleith.
In these frigid temperatures, it’s just not worth the walk. Sacrifices must be made.
7. Take a Bird Scooter Everywhere
The less time you have to spend outside, the better. To get where you’re going faster, Bird everywhere. Bird to class. Bird to Leo’s. Bird to Lau. Bird in Lau. The relatively high risk of accidentally “running into someone” or “getting run over by a car” is definitely worth cutting three minutes out of your commute.
P.S. If you Lime, Skip or — God forbid — Lyft anywhere on this campus, I hope you get stuck behind a slow walker on a narrow path.
8. Stop Going to Class.
You can’t get cold if you don’t go outside. Literally stop leaving your dorm/apartment/house for any reason. The semester is basically over anyway; you’ll be fine.
9. Start Smoking Cigarettes.
In light of the recent, shocking revelation that Juuls are bad for your health, try the fun alternative that looks cool, tastes great and, most importantly, keeps your fingers warm!*
*This is sarcasm. There are already way too many people contributing to the cloud of carcinogens I have to walk through before entering Lau each day. Please do not become one of them.
Nothing warms your face faster than a steady stream of stress-induced tears. Finals season is right around the corner to help you out with this one.
Many years ago, the mere thought of writing this article would have been absurd. There was once a time when school spirit was high, lottery picks roamed the Hilltop and students needed no convincing when it came time to buy basketball season tickets. But that was a lifetime ago.*
*I’m actually referring to as recently as 2013. You read that right. Just five years ago, Georgetown basketball finished first in the Big East, was ranked as high as fifth in the AP Poll and star guard Otto Porter was selected third in the NBA draft. Everyone needs to calm down (looking at you, @EveryAlumnusWhoGraduatedInThe1980s). We’re going to be fine.
But I digress. We are gathered here today to discuss the current state of Georgetown basketball as it exists in 2018. And I’m here to tell you why — despite what you may have heard from disgruntled seniors — buying season tickets is well worth the money.
So here we go:
I’ll admit it: I spend far more time scrolling through Daily Mail Online than I do reading The New York Times. And based on how many of you waited in line for hours to see Bradley Cooper speak in Gaston Hall, I’m guessing you’re just as obsessed with celebrities as I am.
So, even if you couldn’t care less about basketball and will spend the entire game staring at your Instagram feed instead of glancing at the court, you should still buy tickets. Why? It’s simple: Famous people might show up.
Don’t believe me? See below:
Think of how it will feel being left out when all your friends start sharing those coveted Obama selfies on Insta.
2. Less Time On Campus
Literally any day I do not have to spend stuck on this moldy, rat-infested, construction-filled campus is a day well-spent. I say this out of love, but also, please do something, @JohnJDeGioia; none of the sinks work, and the buildings are literally infested with living snakes. Search @georgetown.hotmess on Instagram for specifics. The Verizon Center Capital One Arena is nice and does not use tulips to cover its glaring problems.
3. Heyyyyyyy Baby
Even during the worst losses, the pep band plays that song that goes “Heyyyyyyyy-yyyy Baby, I wanna knoooooooow if you’ll be my girl (*dun dun dun dun*)” and everybody sings and sort of dances along to it. It’s really fun and a nice break from the routine of “Mr. Brightside.” Also, if you don’t know what song I’m talking about, just sing the words I wrote and Shazam it.
In the recent, infamous words of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named AKA Less Attractive Matt Damon AKA Are You Kidding Me @Joe Manchin: “I liked beer, I still like beer.” Capital One Arena has beer.
Disclaimer: Students must be 21 or older to drink aforementioned beer.
Chick-Fil-A is available at the games, and it’s honestly faster to Uber over to the arena, order and eat your meal than it is to wait in line at the Leavey Center location.
6. Slam Dunk
Have you ever seen somebody dunk a basketball in person? It is so cool. How do they jump so high? And make the ball go in the basket while jumping? This alone is worth the price of admission. Mac McClung, do us proud this year. Also, if you’re reading this, follow me back on Instagram.
7. The Memes
When the meme page was first born way back in the early days of 2017, the memes almost exclusively referenced a man they called “JT3”. And it was these very memes that single-handedly ended JT3’s reign and brought St. Patrick into our lives.
For you youngsters out there, this was a dark time, but an important one nonetheless. Those who do not remember history are doomed to repeat it. You must go to the games so that you can recognize the warning signs. If things ever get that bad again, it is your responsibility to make the next generation of memes. The fate of the Hilltop depends on it.
8. The Capitals
Fun fact: Capital One Arena is also home to the current Stanley Cup champions, the Washington Capitals! For the unfamiliar, the Capitals are the hockey team that locals pretend to like because all the other D.C. sports teams are bad. Also, their team captain partied at the Georgetown waterfront with the cup this summer and then jumped in the fountain. Based on the Snapchats I saw, it looked pretty fun. So maybe he’ll show up to one of our games! Fun!
Most of the fans at these games are alumni over the age of 40 who are eager to loudly remind you that school spirit “isn’t what it used to be” (and also that there was once “a pub in the basement of Healy.” Seriously, they will talk about that damn pub for hours if you don’t stop them. Like, there is no way it was that fun.)
Now I know “irate Hoya baby boomers” might not sound like a recipe for a good time, but think of it in terms of networking. It’s simple. These people love Georgetown basketball, and they’ll love you too if you tell them that you also love Georgetown basketball (see: the Transitive Property of Hoya Saxa). Get them reminiscing about the good ol’ days for five minutes in the popcorn line and the next thing you know, boom: You’ve somehow secured that elusive Goldman internship. All you MSBros do not want to miss this opportunity.
Listen up: This is my senior year, and I do not want to spend the remainder of my glory days sitting in a mostly empty arena on a Tuesday night. These memories have to get me through the rest of what will probably be a pretty boring life, so they better be good. Just buy tickets, show up to the games, get some beer, cheer and make the most of it.
Go get your tickets at wearegeorgetown.com
Disclaimer: Patrick Ewing is NOT paying me to write this article, but if you’re reading this, Coach Ewing, can you please grant me access to the Thompson Center in exchange for this free publicity?? I won’t even use any of the equipment, I just want to get a cool pic for my Insta story so I can lord it over the peasants at Yates. Email 4E if this is cool.
My time at Georgetown has not been without its fair share of tragedy.
Hillary lost the election. Quick Pita closed. Chi Di (allegedly) shut down. Leo’s has (somehow) remained open. My GoCard picture turned out terribly. Hot Chick/Chicken Madness lost the other election. JT3 was allowed to coach a Division I basketball team. I once accidently made eye contact with a professor on a weekend. And Jack the Bulldog has straight up ignored me every single time I’ve asked to take a picture with him. To say the least, it’s been a rough three years on the Hilltop.
But none of these calamities could have prepared me for the news that broke on June 26th, 2018. As I’m sure you know by now, our beloved Wingo’s has burned down, and its soon-to-open new location is much further away. My first inclination was to write a eulogy that encapsulated what this little restaurant meant to a certain young Hoya who possessed a special love of both chicken wings and the ability to eat chicken wings at 2:00 a.m.; however, I had to abandon that plan when my tears started making it too difficult to see the laptop screen.
But because I am a professional journalist, I will work through the profound pain of this loss in order to write the type of hard-hitting article I know our readers have come to depend on from 4E. So, without further ado, here is a definitive guide of Places to Eat at 2:00 A.M. Now That Wingos is Gone.
If you love the feeling of hating yourself in the morning, Epi is the place for you. Their famous quesadilla is a classic choice, and the fries and onion rings are solid options as well, but I am also a big fan of “accidentally” stealing somebody else’s order and just eating whatever it is they decided to get.
(Technically only open until 1:00 am but whatever you get the point)
If you don’t die from walking downhill to get there, Snaxa is a pretty solid late night choice. Nothing says “Thank God my parents don’t know what their tuition money is really going towards” quite like using your GoCard to buy Cool Ranch Doritos and Cucumber Juul Pods in the early hours of the morning.
Do you remember that time freshman year when you DFMO’d at a Henle party and then the next week you started feeling gross and tired all the time and then you started panicking because you couldn’t get an appointment at student health for over a month? Have you ever wanted to relive that exact experience but while eating food at 2:00 am? Well look no further than Mono Diner. Located across from the CVS on Wisconsin, Georgetown’s newest 24-hour diner looks pretty good from the outside, but I just do not understand the name choice. Eat with caution.
(Open until 4:30 am)
Muncheez is a conundrum. Much like GUSA or attending a Georgetown basketball game, it has the potential to be great, but always ends up being disappointing in reality. It’s fine. Not good. Not awful. Just fine.
Delicious (of course), but now that Chi Di is gone, you’ll probably never have a reason to walk on Prospect Street at 2:00 a.m. ever again. Delivery is fine I guess, but it doesn’t run as late and cheesy bread is really meant to be eaten at those blue plastic tables in the store. Why does The Neighborhood of Georgetown find a way to ruin everything we love?
(Open until 4:00 a.m.)
Do you like spending more money for pizza that is less delicious and less filling than Dominos? Take the stroll down to Wisconsin Avenue for an overpriced rectangular pie at &pizza.
(Open until 2:00 a.m.)
Do you like waiting an hour and a half for cold mozzarella sticks? Then Bulldog Tavern is the place for you!
(Sadly only open until 11:30 p.m.)
It is absolutely baffling to me that Wisey’s closes at 11:30. p.m. It has a prime location near campus and its sandwiches are tailor-made for those whose standards have been lowered after consuming a few adult beverages. If anybody reading this has enough influence to change Wisey’s (’s ?) hours (@JOHNDEGIOIA, @BILLCLINTON, @THEWISEYSRAT) please contact 4E ASAP. I really need for this change to happen in time for my senior year.
So there you have it. A few late-night options to fuel your late-night shenanigans.
This Article is in Loving Memory of Wingo’s (2002-2018). Gone too soon. RIP to the GOAT.
You are DONE. Finally. This finals season was the worst one in recent memory, but don’t get too comfortable just yet: You still have Move-Out Day. Though not quite as bad as the infamous Move-In Day, it’s still pretty unpleasant. So whether you’re bidding farewell to Harbin or Henle, 4E has got you covered with a step-by-step guide on what to do to make moving out a little less stressful.
1. Hide the Evidence
We know it’s been a while since you’ve interacted with them, but remember, your parents still think you go to Dahlgren Chapel on Sundays — and I am willing to bet that the current state of your room does not lend much support to that idea. So, before your beloved mom and/or dad show up to kindly help you move out, be sure to dispose of all remaining alcohol containers, “controversial” posters and anything you may have acquired from the H*yas for Choice table throughout the year. Move-Out Day is stressful enough as is; don’t make it any worse by having to awkwardly explain to your parents what a “Juul” is and why you currently have one sitting on your desk.
2. Attempt to Clean
Look around: You’ve been living in a literal cesspool for months. Forget romaine lettuce; it’s honestly a miracle that this place didn’t kill you. Every surface is inexplicably sticky. Your floor is covered in crushed Utz chips, empty Chick-Fil-A sauce cups and the remains of that Wingo’s order you dropped on Georgetown Day. At some point during the year, your trashcan became an amorphous “trash corner,” and now you’re really paying the price. Grab some Lysol wipes, rent a vacuum from the nearest RHO and get to work. We all know it won’t really make that much of a difference, but we also know that University President John J. DeGioia isn’t going to spend any of his Tulip money on tackling the campus rodent problem this summer, so a few minutes of tidying up is the least you can do for the sake of next year’s residents.
By “pack,” we really mean lie down on your bed and scroll through Instagram while your roommate or mom does most of the work involved in actually packing. If you have a minute to spare between figuring out what’s been going on with the whole Khloe/Tristan situation and getting caught up on whatever that Walmart-yodeling kid is doing these days, you can maybe put some folders in a box or throw some clothes into a backpack. These damn millennials! Lol amirite @EveryoneOverTheAgeofForty?? #lol #juul #relatable #PleasePayMeToWriteAnOpEdAboutThisHipTopic
4. Stress-Cry and/or Get Into an Argument With Your Mom
This is inevitable. Tensions are running high. No one involved in this process is in a good state of mind. You’re exhausted from having to take that “Problem of God” final, and your mom is exhausted from having to put up with you for the past two decades. Something as simple as taking the sheets off your bed or looking for a missing shoe can quickly escalate into complete pandemonium. Godspeed.
5. Say Goodbye
Even though your living space was absolutely disgusting, and you spent the last two weeks exclusively stress-crying in this place, it’s still sad to look around and see it look so empty. You had some good times in [insert residence hall name here]. So, goodbye, rats! Goodbye, black mold! Goodbye, neighbors who blared their terrible “Mr. Brightside”-themed playlist on a never-ending loop for an entire semester. You will be missed.
Get #hype, Hoyas, because Hollywood is coming to Georgetown! Kind of.
On April 17th, Joshua Malina and Bradley Whitford, former stars of the television classic The West Wing, will be making an appearance in Gaston Hall to record a podcast about what it was like to work with someone as handsome as Rob Lowe on the set of an ~iconic~ political drama. For many of you, I know this is a BFD (s/o Joe Biden) because Josh Lyman was, like, 90% of the reason you decided to pursue a PoliSci degree. For those of you who are less familiar, The West Wing was that show you had to watch in high school when your AP Gov teacher didn’t feel like doing a real class that day. So whether you’re old a longtime fan or a relative newcomer, it’s sure to be a good time and you should definitely stop by!
And in the meantime, we thought this would be the perfect opportunity to review the very best of what D.C.-themed television has to offer. Look no further for an insightful and comprehensive guide to the pros and cons of the shows that qualify as true #DCTV.
Bonus: Watching any of the following shows is a great way to pretend like you’ve left the Georgetown Bubble this semester without all the inconvenience of actually figuring out how to use the Metro!
The West Wing (1999-2005)
Allows us to believe that extremely beautiful and smart people like Rob Lowe and Allison Janney would willingly choose to live in D.C. and work for a government salary. Optimistic!
The West Wing on The West Wing is lead by a rational, intelligent, and not-morally-bankrupt President. Martin Sheen does not attempt to build a wall or have an affair with an adult film actress at any point in this show. Wholesome!
The President’s daughter (Elisabeth Moss) is a Hoya. They even film a graduation scene on campus at one point. Fun!
Show creator and head writer Aaron Sorkin went to Syracuse. Yikes…
Has apparently convinced a generation of Georgetown undergrads that they physically and/or intellectually resemble Rob Lowe’s character. Inaccurate!
Olivia Pope (Kerry Washington) attended Georgetown Law!
Makes working in D.C. seem cool and sexy, rather than sweaty and soul-crushing.
Brenda Song was a character on the show for a hot minute
Shonda Rhimes. Enough said.
If I ever saw someone even half as beautiful or stylish as Kerry Washington walking around D.C., I would go into cardiac arrest. Extremely misleading portrayal of life here.
The camera-snapping noise that plays between scenes. Irritating.
A lot of crossover between Grey’s Anatomy characters. Distracting. What is Meredith’s dad doing in the White House??
House of Cards (2013- present)
Robin Wright. Nothing but respect for MY President.
That scene where Kate Mara gets pushed in front of the Metro is my primary reason for spending so much money on Ubers. Thanks for letting me justify my laziness by citing safety concerns!
Kevin Spacey. Gross. Wya, Christopher Plummer??
Depressing and dark content. But not in a fun, Black Mirror way.
No important characters attended Georgetown. Sad!
Madam Secretary (2014- present)
I have never actually seen this show, but the Wikipedia page is very informative.
The husband of the main character (Madam Secretary) teaches at Georgetown! I am now picturing him as a Kroenig lookalike. Please let me know if this is accurate.
When I started writing this article I guess I thought that Madam Secretary and The Good Wife were the same thing, and I was only going to write about it because I remembered that Big from Sex and the City is the main character’s husband on The Good Wife. I was very disappointed to find out that I confused the plots of these two vaguely-Hillary-Clinton-inspired TV dramas. Big from Sex and the City has yet to make an appearance on this show. Poor casting choice.
Veep (2012- present)
Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Iconic actress, amazing human being, and one of the rare women who could actually pull off a perm back in the day.
Buster from Arrested Development.
Mean, but in a witty and fun way. It’s like The Office, but if all the characters were as comically narcissistic and rude as Jim. (See: my future article on how Jim Halpert is actually a terrible person).
Need an HBO account to watch it. Fellow Hoyas, please help a girl out and email 4E with your account password ASAP. I promise I need it for article research purposes and not just to binge watch Sex and the City.
One time on a plane I tried to watch an episode over the shoulder of the guy sitting next to me. He saw me and turned the screen away. If you’re reading this, rude stranger, please email 4E with a formal apology. I had clearly forgotten to bring my own earbuds, the GoGo internet access didn’t work, and that flight was like five hours long. You could have shown some compassion.
So there you have it, Hoyas. A complete and objective guide to television shows about ~The District~. Coming up next week: a guide to the very best of New York-themed TV (Spoiler: Sex and the City is featured very prominently).
It’s official: March Madness is upon us. I’m told by some alumni that there was once a time when the Georgetown basketball team was part of this tournament, but much like the stories of the days when students allegedly “went to games” and “could name a player on the team,” I’m pretty sure this is just a rumor. Regardless, we here at 4E (AKA the ~real~ sports section of The Hoya) have come up with some helpful advice for building that perfect bracket.
Consider Picking Schools That Have Jack-Like Mascots
The real tragedy of us missing the tournament is that the world will be deprived of seeing our beloved Jack the Bulldog ride his skateboard or drive his car around the court. But luckily, March Madness will still have some canine representation. Here are some possible picks you should consider based on their potential for adorableness:
Their “dog” is named Spike. It’s just a guy in a suit. No actual dog. Disappointing. 2/10.
Their dog is named Blue. He’s no Jack, but at least he’s an actual dog. Overall, pretty cute. Nice smile. Would definitely pet. 7/10.
UMBC (University of Maryland, Baltimore County) Retrievers:
The dog is named “True Grit”. Creative choice. Unclear if the mascot is “officially” just a guy in a suit, but according to Google Images, they seem to frequently have a plethora of live retrievers present at many events. I endorse this. Reminds me of Air Bud. 9/10.
Stay Away From the Big East
As many of you may know, many of the other teams in the Big East were very mean to the Hoyas this season. They often (very rudely) chose to score a lot of points and also frequently prevented us from scoring some points of our own. Very inconsiderate! Karma will not be kind to them in the tournament — stay away!
Also, Providence has this horrifying mascot. We can’t pick them knowing this thing will be there.
Remember Your Jesuit Values
The Arizona State Sun Devils? The Duke Blue Devils? Not today, Satan! These squads are clearly trying to tempt you into straying from your Jesuit values. March Madness is no time for such sinful endeavors, my fellow men and women for others. We suggest you play it safe and stick with the Penn Quakers — based on what little information I remember from my sixth-grade social studies class my extensive research, Quakers and Jesuits are essentially the same thing.
Also, remember that Penn once kindly took Ivanka off our hands, further proving their charitable nature (#NotMyFirstDaughter #WhyIsGeorgetownAssociatedWithSoManyTrumpChildren #TiffanyActuallySeemsOkThough). With all this in mind, Penn is pretty much a surefire pick for the Final Four.
Don’t Pick Michigan State.
This one may seem both arbitrary and contrary to popular opinion, but remember this: current star player and probable future lottery pick Jaren Jackson Jr. chose Michigan State over Georgetown. Yes, way back in 2016, the highly touted recruit included Georgetown among his final five school choices and then somehow didn’t pick us. Wyd Jaren?? Didn’t the tour guides tell you about new Leo’s? Were you not impressed by Lau? Did the rats scare you off??
Whatever the reason, to quote the internship rejection emails I keep getting, we’ve unfortunately “decided to go in a different direction” on this one and cannot recommend that our readers pick Michigan State. And if you’re reading this, Jaren Jackson Jr., please consider forgoing your lucrative NBA career in favor of transferring to the Hilltop next year. Patrick Ewing is really cool and some students will probably show up at a home game at some point. Also, we have a Chick-Fil-A now!
Do Not Pick Syracuse
We hope you have fun this month, and remember: next year will be better! We look forward to seeing you all at the Arena Formerly Known as the Verizon Center for the one game you’ll attend before leaving early to go to Rocket Bar.
It’s officially February, and you know what that means: studying for midterms, distracting fellow Hoyas with your nonstop coughing in class and, of course, planning for Valentine’s Day! Valentine’s Day is the perfect opportunity to finally make your move and we here at 4E have come up with some surefire ways to make your date night a total success. Check out our definitive list of ~The Most Romantic Valentine’s Day Movies of All Time~ to impress your future Hoya spouse:
Yes, Leonardo DiCaprio has sadly gone from “certified heartthrob” to “creepy guy who asks you how old you are at the homecoming tailgate,” but it’s easy to ignore that precipitous decline when you see him on screen in this late-90s classic. Celine Dion? Drawing people like French girls? Drowning? Could it be any more romantic? (Yes, that was a Chandler reference — be sure to do that exact impression at some point during your date to keep up the whole 90s theme.)
Call Me By Your Name
Armie Hammer? Timothée Chalamet? Say no more.
When Harry Met Sally
This one scores big on the Romance Scale for the simple fact that Harry is played by the same guy who voices Mike Wazowski. That’s really going to set the mood you’re looking for. You’re welcome.
Gone With the Wind
This movie is a great way to let your potential bae know that you’re “majoring in English and minoring in Film”. Alternatively, if you’re still trying to keep up the whole “I’m going to land a Goldman internship” charade, we suggest you watch something else.
St. Elmo’s Fire
A Georgetown Classic. Rob Lowe’s character is 100 percent the kind of Hoya who gets way too into Jersey Night and exclusively communicates using the phrases “u up?”, “wyd” and “come to New South”. Demi Moore is also there, along with 3/5 of The Breakfast Club cast. Fun. Diverse. Romantic!
She’s the Man
The greatest movie of all time? We think so. If your date doesn’t understand “how they don’t just realize that Amanda Bynes is clearly a girl”, she’s too young for you, bro.
Also, if anyone has any idea where Amanda Bynes is these days, please contact the staff here at 4E ASAP. We are very concerned and miss her terribly.
Fun fact: When he was 39, Jerry Seinfeld dated a 17-year-old who attended GWU. Seriously, google it. What a classic #DC romance! This is the perfect movie if your date is a much older sitcom star.
*[Insert Wisey’s Rat joke here]
**Yes I know Stuart is technically a “mouse” and not a “rat”, but let’s be honest, you’d still call facilities if you saw that thing anywhere near your apartment.
Spy Kids 2
Spy Kids 2? I know what you’re thinking. Yes, itmust be Spy Kids 2, not Spy Kids 1. This one has Steve Buscemi AND Emily Osment. And if you’re date has the audacity to suggest you watch Spy Kids 3? Get out of there before it’s too late. Also, the girl who plays Carmen is now married to Carlos from Big Time Rush and the guy who plays Juni is engaged to Meghan Trainor. Be sure to mention this to your date so they know you keep up with all the latest political news.
So there you have it, kids. You can’t go wrong with a single one of these movies this Valentine’s Day. Good luck, Hoyas!
You’re Finally Done. Thank God. You made it through an entire semester of Bib Lit without ever actually opening a bible. You recognized more than a generous 50% of the words on your Spanish exam. Was your final CPS essay good? Not really, but you met the word count, submitted it on time, and most importantly, you’ll never have to talk to your unreliable graduate-student TA ever again! So say goodbye to that Lau cubicle, shove some random clothes and your Juul charger into a duffel bag, and call an Uber to Union Station: it’s officially ~break~.
Showering without flip-flops in a bathroom without black mold? Eating a meal that doesn’t involve ramen noodles or flamin’ hot cheetos? Stepping outside and not being greeted by at least a dozen large rats? They should call you King Felipe VI of Spain (G ’95), ‘cause this Hoya is living like royalty. You never knew you would miss suburbia this much. No imminent deadlines, stolen borrowed quizlets, or panic attacks induced by SaxaNet. You have all the time in the world to lounge around the house, send snapchats of your dog, and debate whether or not it’s still ok to binge watch House of Cards (Editor’s note: It’s not. Stick to Friends. David Schwimmer is our last hope).
You meet up with your high school squad at the local Applebee’s and reminisce about GonzagaDelbarton your totally unique alma mater. At the wise old age of 20, you fondly look back at the shenanigans of your youth. Remember when you prank called your Calculus teacher? Remember when you stole a beer from your dad’s fridge in the basement? Remember when you said you had “senioritis” but actually continued to try very hard in school because you wanted to go to Georgetown? Haha! Good Times! You weren’t lame at all!
Ok, it’s been a week and you’ve realized why you were so eager to leave home in the first place. There are no Ubers or places that stay open past 10 pm here. Your parents have an incessant need know where you’re going, who you’re going with, and “is there going to be alcohol there?”. And when you do go out, you have to constantly remind people that you go to Georgetown, not GW and then pretentiously explain why THEY ARE VERY DIFFERENT SCHOOLS. You miss procrastinating on Lau 2 with your friends. You miss saying hi to The Wisey’s Rat. You even find yourself missing New Leo’s (not really, but we’ll pretend for the sake of this article). It’s officially time to go back to the Hilltop.
You tear up as you see Healy from across the Key Bridge. It’s been too long since last you met. You bask in the glow of a new semester, telling yourself that this is the year you finally get it together. No more going out on Tuesday nights or skipping every class that meets before 2 pm. No more eating Wisey’s cookies for dinner or convincing yourself that walking up Lau steps counts as a workout. Yes, you’ll abandon this attitude completely within the next two weeks, but it’s nice to enjoy the “new and improved 2018 you!” while it lasts. You’re reunited with your squad, you’re wearing the one cool piece of clothing you got for Christmas, and you’re ready for Syllabus Week. Hoya Saxa, it’s good to be home.
College is a time of great uncertainty. Everyday, we ask ourselves: “What will I do with my life?” “Who will I be when I grow up?” “Why did I decide to major in English?”
We know these questions might seem scary, but 4E is here to help you procrastinate writing that essay for another five minutes discover who you really are. Take this quiz, and finally find an answer to the timeless question:
As you may have heard, Georgetown’s very own prodigal son is returning home to the Hilltop this week. And as cynical as we usually are here at 4E, this is actually a pretty cool thing. After all, since the events of the past year have forced us to acknowledge that Eric Trump, Steve Bannon, and Paul Manafort are technically alumni, we need to celebrate the Hoyas who didn’t collude with Russia have made a positive impact in the world now more than ever.
But as you prepare to camp outside Gaston to hear his speech, many of you who were born in the late-90s may be asking yourselves, “Who is Bill Clinton?” We know from eavesdropping on Blue and Gray tours that he certainly attended Georgetown, but is he really a Hoya? If he were a student today, would he regularly attend Jersey Night? Would he mourn the loss of Quick Pita? Would he post in the meme group? And more importantly, would his memes be dank? To try to answer some of these pressing questions, we here at 4E briefly skimmed carefully read and took diligent notes on Bill Clinton’s autobiography, My Life, and came to the following conclusion:
Bill Clinton is a true Hoya.
Take a look at our reasoning below:
1. He Loves Wisey’s
The Quote: “At Wisemiller’s Deli, just across Thirty-sixth Street from the Walsh building where I had most of my classes, I got coffee and two donuts for twenty cents every morning”
Our Analysis: Like all good Hoyas, Bill Clinton both loves Wisey’s and eats there way too much. He definitely would have voted for the Hot Chick/Chicken Madness ticket back in the infamous GUSA election of 2016, and is surely a strong supporter of our unofficial school mascot, The Wisey’s Rat™. So the next time you feel guilty about eating Wisey’s cookies for breakfast as you walk in 15 minutes late to your class on the fourth floor of Walsh because the elevator was taking forever, just remember that you will probably grow up to be the President of the United States.
2. He Never Leaves Campus
The Quote: “In my first two years, I rarely ventured beyond the confines of the University and its immediate surroundings”
Our Analysis: For a true Hoya, Burleith is as exotic as it gets. Yes, just like a vast majority of Hoyas, Bill Clinton fell victim to the Georgetown Bubble. And yes, we know D.C. is a world-class city full of renowned food, art, and culture, but the whole Metro system is confusing and not a lot of places take GoCard. True Hoyas stick to complaining about the lack of options at Leo’s and only venture beyond M street once a semester for Instagram-related purposes. Also “immediate surroundings” is definitely code for Chi Di. We’ll see you there on Thursday, Bill. Hopefully you have a good ID though, they’ve been pretty tough this year.
The Quote: “My most memorable class sophomore year was Professor Walter Giles’s U.S. Constitution and Government… By the time I got to his class I had embraced my lifelong affinity for sleep deprivation and had developed the sometimes embarrassing habit of falling asleep for five or ten minutes of class”
Our Analysis: Same, Bill Clinton. Same. Does it even qualify as a Georgetown class if more than half its students are awake at any given time? Whether it’s in a lecture hall, on Healy Lawn, or in the middle of a professor’s office hours (it happened once), falling asleep at inappropriate times is what we Hoyas do best. Honestly, Bill Clinton, props for doing this well in an era before you could try to stay awake by scrolling through memes on Facebook while the professor thinks you’re taking notes. Side note to any of my professors who accidentally clicked on this article: I love your class! Keep up the good work!
4. He Has a Capitol Hill Internship
The Quote: On interning for Arkansas Senator William Fulbright, “It was easy to fit the job into my daily schedule, partly because in junior year only five courses were required instead of six, partly because some classes started as early as 7 a.m.”
Our Analysis: If you hadn’t already guessed, Bill Clinton was in the SFS. This quote confirms it. I can practically hear this quote telling me he’s a STIA major and that he has to go study for MAP. Even today, when Bill Clinton meets new people, I guarantee you that he finds some way to mention the SFS. This guy is a Hoya.
5. He Loves The Tombs
The Quote: “My favorite haunts in Georgetown were the Tombs, a beer hall in a cellar beneath the 1789 restaurant, where most of the students went for beer and burgers”
Our Analysis: Bill Clinton’s Tombs Night was definitely lit. But not too lit, like where you had to call GERMS and the whole night was ruined. It was just the right level of lit, like where everybody danced to “In Da Club” by 50 Cent when the clock hit midnight, and then Bill Clinton got a great Instagram pic of his forehead being stamped by the Tombs bouncer. Every Hoya since John Carrol has made some of their greatest memories at the Tombs. Need we say more?
So there you have it: Bill Clinton is a Georgetown Hoya. Our diligent research has definitively proved it. We hope you all have fun accidentally falling asleep learning a lot at his speech on Monday- and huge props to the team over at #GUPolitics for making this happen! No disrespect to the time you got Martin O’Malley to play his guitar in McShain Lounge, but this is definitely much cooler than that.
Sources: My Life by Bill Clinton, Tombs.com, Facebook.com, giphy.com, Georgetowndc.com, georgetown.edu